A Marvel/BTVS crossover....
The X-men were created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. The other characters that are part of the Marvel Universe were created by others and Marvel is now owned by Disney. Buffy the vampire Slayer was created by Joss Whedon.
This is a piece of fan-fiction and is written for fun, not for profit. All characters within belong to their rightful owners. We're all here to have fun so.... nobody lawyer up. You'll just spoil it for the rest of us. ; )
Ted's Apartment, aka.... 'The Safehouse'.
“...And then we got some nachos.” Xander finished his simplified tale of his time with Deadpool.
“Can you say that all again?” Giles asked Xander as he felt a headache forming. “We've only been hiding here for about two hours. How did.... nevermind. I don't think I'll like the answer to that.”
“Two hours? We were gone for like two weeks! We were using his personal teleporter so we could bury parts of the mayor on different continents. Maybe....” Xander said as he scratched his head.
“Ooh!” Willow piped up. “Maybe something went wrong! You could have moved through time and space instead of just space.”
“That would explain a few things.” Xander said with a nod. “We did a lot of stuff in those two weeks.”
“Like what?” Oz asked.
“Well... We kept visiting different parts of New York for one.” Xander said as he scratched the side of his head. “I even sang once on a stage.... Now that I think about it... that might have been Woodstock.”
“Shut the front door.” Joyce said in surprise.
Xander looked behind him and raised an eyebrow. He did shut the front door so he didn't see the problem.
“Wait... are you the Unknown Roadie?” Oz asked Xander.
“The who?” Xander asked Oz.
“Well they were involved. Someone at Woodstock got both Jimmy Hendrix and Janis Joplin to give up drugs and they got Roger Daltrey to be their 'Sponsor' along with the rest of the members of The Who.” Oz said. “It was one of the strangest things to happen in music history.”
“Couldn't you have talked to Morrison?” Giles asked Xander.
“I did. That guy was a jerk.” Xander shrugged. “After there we buried another piece of the Mayor in England.” Xander told them with a grin. “While were were there we ran into this blond woman wearing a white leather corset or something. Wade.... Well he just walked up right to her and shoved his face into her cleavage. Turns out she was part of the people that were holding his Slurpee machine hostage. It was hilarious.”
Giles paled. He knew of some people who dressed like that in public and none of them were nice people. If Xander had crossed the White Court of the Hellfire Club.... He shuddered.
“Well after that we ended up back in New York.” Xander said with a laugh. “Central Park of all places. There was this bald guy in a wheel chair being chased by some gigantic lunatic wearing a huge metal helmet. Wade laughed as he watched and told me to come up with a way to get the helmet off.”
“You didn't.” Giles paled. The Juggernaut....
“Well... Central Park is patrolled by the mounted Police force so there was a fair bit of manure handy if you know where to find it. I found some and a few lucky shots later... the helmet came off. The bald guy did the rest.” Xander explained.
“Where else did you go?” Giles asked as he felt his headache growing.
“Well we buried a few parts here and there and the last piece we buried in Colorado. There Wade did something he called a 'Montage from Hell'. Let's just say that while I've mastered most of my powers, I'll never look at 80's rock songs the same way ever again. After that... we got some nachos.”
“Oh dear lord.” Giles muttered. “You can't do anything normally can you?”
“Why? That would be boring.” Xander grinned. “I also got loads of carved replicas.”
“Replicas of what?” Buffy asked.
“You know, stuff.” Xander said as he patted his satchel. “So... now what?”
“I guess we finish High School.” Willow said as everyone calmed down.
“Meh. Sounds boring.” Xander muttered.
“Agreed.” Buffy and Oz said together.
“So... who's up for phoning it in?” Xander asked.
Everybody except Willow raised their hands.
“All right. Majority rules.” Xander grinned.
“Phooey.” Willow sighed.
“So... we should probably tell the rest of the band.” Oz told Xander.
“About our... 'conditions'?” Xander asked. “Sounds like a good idea. Think Tim and Eric are going to be okay about it?”
“They've been pretty cool so far.” Oz shrugged. “If not.... We'll manage. They're musicians first. Everything else comes second for them.”
Xander nodded. “So... the others still hanging back?”
“Yeah. You changed dude. That Deadpool guy... He rubbed off on you. A lot.” Oz told him.
“Eh.” Xander shrugged. “I had fun. I feel like getting some waffles. You in?”
“Is there bacon involved?” Oz asked.
“Yeah sure.” Xander grinned.
“I'm in.” Oz told him.
With the band.....
“So... Oz is a werewolf and you're a mutant?” Tim asked Xander as he and Eric shared a look.
“Yeah.” Xander said as Oz nodded. To prove his point, Xander picked up one of Tim's drumsticks and caused the tip to glow. “I can channel and shoot energy blasts out of wood.”
“Nifty.” Eric said as he pushed up his glasses. “Well... since we're being honest here.... Tim and I aren't human.”
“You guys are demons?” Xander asked. “What kind?”
“Not demons.” Tim said with a shake of his head. “Aliens. Our fathers were part of an intelligence gathering group that monitored long range communications.”
“Huh.” Oz said before grinning. “What got you?”
“Casey Kasem.” Eric said as his features began to shift. His skin became green, his ears pointed and he assumed a much more reptilian appearance. Tim followed shortly after.
“So... you guys went native because of Earth's music?” Xander asked them.
“Pretty much.” Eric said with a shrug. “Not all of our kind are big on empire building. We used to be a merchant race before we messed up some relations with another species.”
“So what are you guys called?” Xander asked them.
“We're Skrulls.” Tim told them.
“So are you two male or female?” Oz asked.
Tim and Eric shared a look before each of them grew a pair of breasts.
“Gender doesn't mean that much to our race.” Tim told Xander and Oz. “Guys... look at my face.”
“Boobs.” Xander muttered as he tried and failed to restrain himself from poking one of them.
“Dude!” Tim said as he shifted his body back to normal.
“Sorry.” Xander grinned. “That was kind of neat though.”
“So... We still good for touring this summer?” Eric asked them.
“Yes.” Xander and Oz said together.
“We'll just need something to contain me on full moons.” Oz told them.
“Shouldn't be too hard.” Tim said. “We've destroyed most of the equipment that we came with but we can probably cobble something together.”
“So why Sunnydale?” Xander asked them.
“It's one of the few places we could blend in with little to no effort. That and LA was too weird, even for us.” Eric told them.
“Makes sense.” Oz said with a nod. “So... which group should we go with? Clubs in California or Seattle?”
“Doesn't the Seattle one end with a battle of the bands?” Tim asked.
“So it does.” Oz said with a nod. “Radio airplay and a possible record deal as well.”
“But in the short run the LA run pays better.” Eric put in.
“In the short run.” Oz countered. “We were never in this for money.”
“Seattle group it is then.” Xander said with a grin. “You two have any new songs for us to practice?”
“We've got plenty.” Tim said with a grin.
“Guys there's something off here.” Xander said as he looked around the club they were going to be playing at. Most of the other bands had already arrived and the whole event was going to start in two hours.
“Something off how?” Oz asked. “What's up?”
“You know I can get a sense of things locations through sound right?” Xander asked them.
“That echolocation thing.” Tim said with a nod. “What's up?”
“I've got a blind spot. Something is absorbing the sound around it.” Xander told them. They'd encountered some weird stuff on the road but this was... new to say the least.
“Where?” Eric asked as years of his abandoned military training made their way to the surface.
“Ten O'Clock, about fifty feet.” Xander said as the group looked over in that general direction. What they saw was a quartet of women talking quietly to each other.
“Crap.” Xander muttered. “It had to be a girl band.”
“What are you thinking?” Oz asked.
“Mutant of some sort. We'll see what happens later. One of them could also be sound based, or something else entirely.” Xander told them. “You guys ready for tonight?”
“We will be.” Tim said. “Just remember not to sign anything without reading it first.”
“Also, keep an eye out. If anyone here is from Wolfram and Hart.... well they'd better not leave here alive.” Eric added.
Everyone else nodded their heads.
On the road, they'd learned a few things. The group worked well as a demon hunting team but sometimes they had to be extra careful. Like when they were hunting Lawyers. Those were a tricky bunch.
Later that night....
“All right folks! After getting rid of the rabble, we've got two contenders left for the top spot! We have the lovely and talented all girl group 'Dazzler' from New York City and 'The Outcasts' from a little California town called Sunnydale!” The overseer of the event said into his microphone. “We've heard their own original music and I have to admit... not bad. Now it's time for the challenge.... covers!”
The crowd booed.
“But wait there's more!” The Overseer said with a grin. “To make things a little more challenging... both bands are going to play outside their own genre. Adaptability is the key for the next round! Let's see what they'll play when they spin the Wheel of Covers!” The Overseer said as his assistant pulled a sheet off a spinning wheel.
“What's this guy's name again?” Xander asked Tim.
“He said his name was Arcade.” Tim said. “For some reason... that seems a little familiar to me.”
“What's the name of the record label?” Oz asked Eric.
“Mojo records.” Eric told him.
Tim and Eric shared a look before looking at their band-mates. “Trap?” They asked Xander and Oz.
“Trap.” Xander and Oz agreed.
“The question is, for who?” Xander mused.
Arcade spun the wheel and everyone fell down as reality gave way underneath them.
“You know.... I honestly don't know who to blame for this one.” Xander said as he looked around the holding cell he'd been put in.
“Do you know why we're here?” Asked his cellmate. “Or why we're naked?”
Xander glanced at the blonde girl from the corner of his eye and tried not to stare. “Those are both good questions.” He said as he surveyed the cell. It was solid metal walls with a metal door that had a small window in it. It looked well used to say the least. “I'm Xander by the way.”
“Allison.” The blond girl told him. “So... do you really have no idea why we're here?”
“Well... we could have been kidnapped by some insane record executive, or something worse. My vote's on worse.” Xander told her as he paced the cell a little.
“What could be worse?” Allison asked.
“You just had to ask that didn't you?” Xander sighed.
“Welcome to Mojoverse!” A voice said from behind them.
Xander and Allison turned and saw a small screen had appeared on the wall opposite the door. On the screen was an unusual looking creature that looked like a spineless blob attached to a mobile platform.
“Okay.” Xander said as he scratched his head. “What sort of demon are you?”
“Sorry pal, in this dimension you two are the demons here.” The figure on the screen said. “I'm Mojo by the way.”
“Why are we here?” Allison demanded.
“Oh, I didn't mean to kidnap you.” Mojo said. “You were just a side benefit my little mutant.”
“So you're a mutant too?” Xander asked her. “Nice.... wait.... why did you kidnap me?”
“It's pilot season.” Mojo said with a shrug. “We've got an entire channel dedicated to your friend Wade, and well.... somebody pitched a spinoff.”
“That might explain why he routinely waved in random directions and kept saying 'Hi Mom'.” Xander said with a nod. “That or his insanity.”
“A little of both.” Mojo told them. “So... you two have about six hours until the pilot starts. Have fun.”
“Can we get something to eat? And maybe some clothes?” Allison asked.
“The food yes. The clothes can wait until you've been outfitted by wardrobe.” Mojo told them before the monitor winked out of existence.
A tray full of food appeared on the sink of their small bathroom area.
“So.... what sort of power do you have?” Xander asked as he walked over to the food.
“How are you remotely okay with all this?” Allison asked him as she tried to not watch him. There was good naked and bad naked. He wasn't bad looking, but it was a little too well lit in here for 'good naked'.
“Well... I've been through worse. I was naked in front of my entire high school once.” Xander told her as he made a sandwich.
“Bully or dare?” Allison asked him.
“Worse.” Xander told her. “Mutant phenomena where a personal nightmare became reality. It was still better than being chased by the clown.” Xander said with a shudder.
“Wow. I thought I had a weird life.” Allison said as she shook her head. “My powers kicked in with my school's glee club. They got a little quieter and the lights got a little more spectacular.
“So you do absorb sound then.” Xander said with a grin. “You do what, project lights? You didn't have the rig to have the light show you had at the competition.”
“Yeah. I put the dazzle in Dazzler.” Allison said with a grin. “So what do you do?”
“Well... How about we show them how putting you with me is a bad idea?” Xander grinned.
“How are we going to do that?” Allison asked him.
Control room 1.....
“Adjust the cameras in cell 43.” Mojo ordered.
“We did.” One of his minions stated. “All the filters are turned down. It's as dark as we can make it in there.”
“Well phooey.” Mojo said. “Can we still get audio?”
“Yeah. But it's not exactly 'PG'” The minion stated. “We put a member of both human genders in each cell. They're young and full of hormones. This was bound to happen.”
“Run it for our saucy radio broadcasts.” Mojo ordered. “What is it that the young man is singing? It's muffled.”
“Well... if I'm hearing this right... it's 'Sit on my face'.” The minion said as he fiddled with the audio. “It keeps blanking out.”
“Damn.” Mojo muttered. “Guess we shouldn't have paired those two up.”
“Their natural chemistry should help their ratings potential.” One of his minions stated.
“I know that!” Mojo said before pressing a button on his console, causing a weapon to pop up and shoot the outspoken minion. “Make sure the loud one gets his weapons back.”
“What can he do with a bunch of wooden replicas?” One of the minions asked.
Mojo sighed before he pressed a button again. The gun spun and shot the minion.
“Did anyone else not read the information packet?” Mojo asked the room.
Three minions raised their hands.
Mojo slapped his face before sighing. “I need to engineer some slightly smarter minions.” He muttered as he pressed a few buttons on his console. Three exploded heads later he tapped his console in a slightly agitated manner. “Aren't they done yet?”
“I've picked up something from one of the other rooms.” One of the minions said. “These guys are big believers in the threefold rule.”
“Meaning?” Mojo demanded.
“They do their best to give three before getting one of their own.” The minion said.
“What kind of a stupid idea is that? It's sex, not a charity.” Mojo asked.
“Sex is charity. At least from some perspectives.” One of the minions said. “That's what my wife tells me.”
“Plus three for one? Seems fair to me.” Said one of the female minions. “Makes putting up with gas seem almost worth it.”
Mojo sighed. It was going to be one of those days. “Keep monitoring them. They have a few hours until Arcade is ready with the set up. I swear, you offer a human a bunch of non-union workers who can keep a secret and he jumps at the chance to build increasingly elaborate death-traps.”
Backstage of the big event....
“Dude, are you sunburnt?” Oz asked Xander as he looked at his friend.
“I don't want to talk about it.” Xander told him. “Not right now.” He said as he checked his equipment. Everything seemed to be intact. “Any idea what this whole thing is going to be?”
“Survival?” Oz ventured.
“Great.” Xander muttered. “Just great. So... anyone else have fun with their cellmates?”
Nobody said anything.
“Fine.” Xander said. “But once we get out of this, we're all going to have a long talk about where we go from here.”
Xander's band-mates nodded and so did Allison's.
“Okay. I'm a powerhouse here since I've got my weapons. Allison can do a few things and I can act as a power source for her. The rest, stay close. This is going to get hairy.” Xander cautioned.
“I thought that was my job.” Oz chipped in.
“Oh, enough of that.” Xander grinned. “Once we know what these jackalopes want us to do, let's try our best to do the opposite. They want a show? Let's give them one they'll always regret!”
“Doesn't he mean 'they'll never forget'?” One of Allison's bandmates asked Tim.
“No. He doesn't.” Tim told her. “He's kind of not all there. I hope you all can run. I have a feeling we're going to be doing a lot of it.”
“All right folks, coming up next is a special pilot! We've crafted it because you demanded it! Deadpool's newest friend... Xander!” Mojo announced, causing the curtain they were all standing behind to go up.
Xander's left eye twitched as he took in their surroundings.
“Uh oh.” Oz muttered as he gestured for everyone else to step back.
“What is it?” Allison asked.
“The field has got a circus theme.” Tim explained. “Where there's a circus... there's clowns.”
Xander started growling.
“Xander really hates clowns.” Eric said.
Xander drew his bokken and unleashed a wave of destructive energy at the nearest target... a robotic mime.
“Well... there goes the plan.” Oz sighed.
“Now what?” Allison demanded as Xander tore into the entire environment in a berserker like rage.
“We wait for him to calm down.” Oz told her. “And stay away from any greasepaint. He's not reasonable when he's like this. He's the reason we can never eat at McDonald's again.”
The crowd cheered as Xander blew up a Clown car.
“We're going to be here a while aren't we?” One of Allison's band-mates asked. “I knew I should have signed up as tour guide on that jungle cruise ride.”
“Clowns!” Xander yelled, causing two elephant like animals to explode in a mess of gore.
“Yeah. We are.” Oz sighed. “Can whoever it is that absorbs sound shield us a bit? I like being able to hear.”
“On it.” Allison said with a nod. Her reserves were already pretty full, but she'd manage. She'd have to, for all their sakes.
A Mojo and Arcade team up? How can you not?