BtVS and How I Met Your Mother do not belong to me. Spoilers:
BtVS through Season 7, and all of HIMYM, just to be safe.Summary:
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar... A/N:
Day 2, Take 2. Sorry about the previous post. I didn't realize that fanfiction was not allowed for that particular author. I'm really bummed, too, since I loved that ficlet. Oh well.
The sections in italics are the voiceovers from the show. :)+++Kids, I wasn’t going to tell you about this, but something... strange happened one night when we were sitting in MacLaren’s.
“Hey, what’s the deal?” Ted asked, nodding to the crowd around the bar as he sat down at their table in MacLaren’s.
Marshall shut the book he had been reading with a snap. “Three hot chicks,” he shrugged.
Eyes lighting up with interest, Ted craned his neck to see, but there were too many guys crowding around the girls. He turned back to Marshall with a wry grin.
“I’m surprised Barney isn’t here yet—” he began.
“Where are they?” Barney wheezed as he sprinted up to their table. Immediately spotting the crowd at the bar, he straightened his tie, his breathing completely under control. “Sit back, boys, and watch a master at work.”
He made a beeline for the crowd, so focused on his target that he didn’t see Lily and Robin enter the bar.
Lily gave Marshall a kiss as she sat down next to him. “What’s up with him?” she asked.
“Three hot chicks,” Marshall explained.
“Of course,” she replied, rolling her eyes. “I should’ve known.”
Robin looked at Ted in amusement. “And you’re not trying to get in on this?”
Ted grinned. “Oh, I am. I’m just waiting,” he explained. As Robin started to ask for what, he held up his hand. “For... this
Just then, Barney tapped one of the guys at the bar on the shoulder. As soon as the guy had turned around, Barney put on an exaggerated look of surprise.
“What’s that? They’re just giving
away free porn right around the corner?” he exclaimed loudly, just shy of shouting.
There was a brief silence in the bar. Then, slowly, the crowd around the girls began to thin as some of the guys snuck out.
It was just enough to give Barney a path to the girls – or at least, to the redhead sitting closest to him.
“Well, hello there,” he murmured into her ear. He put on his most charming smile as the girl turned toward him.
That’s when all the color drained from Barney’s face as his knees gave out. Without another word, he half-stumbled, half-sprinted back to the table, all while glaring at Marshall accusingly.
You set me up, disguising Lily as a hot chick... Oh, hey, Lily,” he said, finally noticing that she was sitting there, too. Then he did a double take, his head whipping back and forth between Lily and the redhead at the bar. “But—you— over there—”
Confused, the gang looked over to the bar.
There was a collective gasp.
Ted was the first to turn toward Lily. “You have two dopplegangers,” he said in a loud stage whisper, completely stunned.
“You doppleganger slut!” Robin exclaimed in mock disgust.
Lily opened her mouth to reply, but just then, the crowd parted even more, finally giving them all a glimpse of the doppleganger’s friends.
Barney immediately made the sign of the cross and looked up to the ceiling. “A gorgeous blonde, a sexy brunette, and a feisty redhead? My God, it’s the Holy Trinity,” he whispered reverently.
He looked back at the girls – only to see the redhead checking out another girl’s ass.
Barney clutched at his chest. “And one of them is into chicks. Ted!”
Ted shot to his feet. “Wingman reporting for duty!” he saluted.
The two made their way toward the girls. Marshall, Lily, and Robin watched them go in amusement. Mostly.
“I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, who wears leather in the middle of the summer? Right? Right?” Robin snorted as she looked the girls over. At Marshall and Lily’s knowing looks, she groaned in defeat. “This is worse than when the female bartender worked here.”
“Are you kidding me?” Marshall exclaimed. “This is awesome!”What Uncle Marshall failed to tell us was that he had noticed these three hot—
lovely, intelligent — women as soon as he had first walked in before the rest of us had arrived and before the place got crowded – which meant he could hear every word they said, loud and clear.~30 minutes ago~
Marshall walked into McLaren’s with a smile on his face and a spring to his step. The rest of the gang would be meeting him here shortly, and their usual table was free.
Total awesomeness. As usual.
He dropped his stuff off at the table and walked up to the bar to order a beer. He absently noted that, aside from the few people at the bar, the place was pretty empty.
“Hey, man,” he said, trying to catch Carl the bartender’s eye.
Carl didn’t see him, though. He was too busy hovering near some girls at the other end.
Marshall harrumphed. So okay, he didn’t have any cleavage to flaunt, but did that make him any less thirsty?
He turned toward the beverage usurpers – and he almost fainted dead away.
It was Lily, but it wasn’t, which meant...
Lily had another
Marshall began looking around frantically for anyone to share the news with, but he was alone. He pulled out his phone, fully intending to take a photo and send it in a text message, when the girls started talking.
His curiosity got the better of him, and he leaned in to listen, the phone forgotten for the moment.
“Ugh, I’m never dating again,” one girl, an attractive blonde, moaned as she sank onto the bar stool. “I just can’t seem to make it work. Ever. I’m... dating deficient.”
The redhead – or Lily doppleganger #2, as Marshall liked to think of her – patted the blonde’s back sympathetically. “Aw, Buffy, don’t say that. You just need to meet a nice, normal guy, and you’ll get right back up on that horse,” she promised.
The third girl – a brunette who looked like she could eat him and every other red-blooded male in the bar alive, and very possibly a woman or two – snickered. “Or she could just, ya know, ride a horse, get some of the tension out, and then meet a nice, normal guy,” she said, waggling her eyebrows suggestively.
The blonde – Buffy – groaned and banged her head on the countertop. “Uh uh. No way. There will be no riding of any sort. Ever. Again,” came her muffled reply. She peeked up at the brunette. “What are we even doing here, Faith?”
“You said you needed a drink, and this was the first place we saw,” Faith, the brunette, reminded her. “’Sides, we’re all hot and single and in New York. No way we’re staying in tonight.”
Picking her head up, Buffy gave her a dubious look. Faith ignored her, though, and waved to Carl, who, Marshall noted with more than a little bitterness – was already pouring their drinks, as if he were tuned into ‘hot girl’ radio or something.
“Don’t worry, Buff,” Lily doppleganger #2 reassured her. “I’ll hex any jerk that comes near you.”
Buffy looked between the two other girls and sighed. “Okay,” she agreed slowly. “But I reserve the right to make with the violence if anyone gets too handsy.”
A slow grin spread on Marshall’s face. Yup, total awesomeness.~Present~
Marshall had the same grin on his face as he finished telling his tale.
Robin, however, frowned. “So, you’re sending Barney to some witches?” she asked slowly. “Or more specifically, some extremely unstable women with a grudge against all men, since witches don’t actually exist?”
“Uh, of course witches exist, Robin,” Marshall snorted, not seeing the way Lily subtly motioned for Robin to be quiet. “But they’re not witches, so they’re not really going to hex them... even if that would be the coolest thing ever.”
Now it was Lily’s turn to frown. “Wait, how do you know they’re not witches?”
Marshall smiled down at her. “Because there’s no way your doppleganger would do something so evil,” he explained as he squeezed her shoulder.
Robin started gagging so loudly that they barely heard the very familiar “Have you met Ted?” line, but they did.
Marshall eagerly looked over toward Ted, Barney, and the hot chicks. He held his breath as the brunette gave Ted an interested look while Barney wormed his way next to the blonde. To his complete disappointment, however, he couldn’t see what happened after that, because Robin was suddenly blocking his view.
,” she said loudly until she knew she had his attention. “You do know that the very definition of ‘doppleganger’ is the evil version of someone, right? And even if that weren’t true, Lily is hardly an angel.”
Marshall gasped. “How could you say that about your best friend?”
“No, no,” Lily cut in. “That’s fair.”
Robin beamed. “Oh my god, did I just ‘lawyer’ Marshall Erickson?”
Before Marshall could protest, the strangest thing happened. Namely Barney, crashing into the table next to Marshall, Lily, and Robin with so much force that the table shattered upon impact.
Their eyes shot over to the bar, only to see the blonde and the redhead glaring at Barney’s prone form, while the brunette just looked amused, her arm draped over a shell-shocked Ted.
Then Barney slowly got to his feet, and Marshall, Lily, and Robin could only gape at him in disbelief. Kids, I’d like to say that we knew how your Uncle Barney flew through the air like he was a paper airplane, or how he had a pig nose for a few brief minutes, but we had no clue. I’d also like to say that that was the last we saw of the three women, but in reality, it was only the beginning. But that’s a story for another time. I will say, though, that to this day, Uncle Barney cringes whenever he hears Latin.+++