Disclaimer: I own neither Buffy the Vampire Slayer, How I Met Your Mother, nor any other characters referenced in this story.
“Check out the dude in the eyepatch,” Robin said, pointing towards the door of MacLaren’s.
Marshal and Lily raised their heads as Ted and Barney both turned to see a well built brunette man wearing a patch over his left eye take a seat at the bar.
“Hey, he’s been reading my blog!” Barney cheered, recognising the patch from one of his many plays.
“Or maybe he’s really a pirate!” Marshal whispered conspiratorially.
“I can’t believe he’s actually doing the eyepatch thing,” Ted laughed, “That’ll never work.”
“Au contraire, my socially challenged friend,” Barney said, “The eyepatch trick works, however I doubt that the young man at the bar will pull it off, I mean, he’s wearing plaid for crying out loud!”
“I don’t know,” Lily mentioned casually, “He kinda pulls it off.”
“I know what you mean,” Robin agreed, “The eyepatch kinda works for him, you think it might be real?”
“Not a chance in hell,” Barney replied coolly, “I’d bet anything he doesn’t even have a believable war story for how he ‘lost’ his eye.”
“Let’s find out,” Robin said, “Lily, let’s go.”
Ted, Barney and Marshal watched from the booth as Lily and Robin went up to the pirate at the bar, where they introduced themselves. The guys watched as the three of them conversed amiably for several minutes, until the pirate reached a hand up to touch his patch with a grim smile. The girls returned to the booth not long after as the pirate returned to his drink.
“Well?” Marshal asked desperately, “Is he a pirate or isn’t he?”
“No, Marshal,” Lily replied, “But he said he knows my doppleganger!”
“He admitted that he knows Stripper Lily?” Ted asked incredulously as Barney did a spit take, “Wow, not too bright is he?”
“Actually,” Robin corrected, “It turns out that Lily has a second doppleganger, Xander says he’s known her since they were kids.”
“There’s another doppleganger?”
“Yep, and you’re gonna love this part, Barney,” Robin announced, “She’s Lesbian Lily!”
“I know,” Lily smiled, “Can’t you just imagine her getting together with Lesbian Robin? And maybe Stripper Lily gets in there as well... ooh... What?” She asked, noticing the odd looks she was getting.
“Anyway,” Barney moved on, “What did he say about the eyepatch?”
“He wouldn’t say,” Robin admitted, “He told us that it was a painful time and that it was something he’d rather forget.”
“Ahh, clever,” Barney praised, before launching into explanation, “Fake emotional pain to inspire the nurturing instinct in women, then shroud the story in mystery with enough vagueness to allow their fragile minds to construct something far better than anything he could come up with himself. It’s genius!”
“Or disgusting,” Ted offered, “What did you think, Robin?”
“I don’t know, he seemed honest, then again so does Barney when he gets going,” she replied.
“Tricks of the trade,” Barney proudly, “It’s all about the confidence.”
“So he really is a pirate?” Marshal asked hopefully.
“Whoa, hot girl just came through the door...” Barney announced as a leather-clad brunette entered the bar. Turning back to face the group, he immediately called “Dibs!”
“Uh, I think your a bit late for that, Buddy,” Robin calmly told him, pointing back to the bar, where the brunette was now sitting with the man in the eyepatch.
“What? No! That’s impossible! He’s wearing plaid!”
“Well, at least we’ll get to find out if he’s one of Barney’s followers or not,” Ted shrugged.
“How?” Robin asked.
“Easy, we’ll ask the girl what he told her about the eyepatch. If it’s the same thing as he told Robin and Lily, he’s legit, if it’s some ridiculous tall tale, he’s Barney’s apostle.”
“No apostle of mine would be caught dead wearing anything less than a suit! And they would honour the noble right of dibs!” Barney hissed, sullenly mourning the loss of Hot Girl #237.
“But, why would Xander change his story?” Lily asked.
“Easy,” Barney jumped in, suddenly over his mourning period, “You and Robin were clearly too intelligent to fall for some fake story, so he kept it vague enough so you couldn’t call him out on it. That girl over there is clearly into tough guys though, so if he wants to sleep with her then he’ll give her an explanation that makes him seem both heroic and violent.”
The group got their chance when Xander left for the bathroom, leaving the brunette woman alone at the bar.
“Hi,” Robin greeted her with Ted right behind her, “I’m Robin.”
“Faith,” the girl answered, “You want something?”
“Yeah, we were wondering what the story is about that guy you’re with,” Ted asked, “What’s the deal with the eyepatch.”
“Dude got between a psycho preacher and the teenage girls he was trying to kill. Got his eye gouged out by the nut job’s thumb,” Faith answered easily.
“Thanks,” Ted smiled as he and Robin returned to their table.
“He’s a player,” Robin announced to the others, “Told the bimbo up there that he lost an eye rescuing some girls from a murderer.”
“Wow, some girls will believe just about anything,” Lily said.
“I know,” Barney smiled, “Isn’t it great? But seriously, I’ve gotta try that some time, it’ll be legen... wait for it...”
“Hey, Xan,” Faith said as he returned to the bar, “See that group over in the booth? The one with Straight Willow?”
Xander turned to follow her gaze and nodded, “Yeah, what about them?”
“Show’em what’s under the patch, will ya?” Faith asked, she had heard what they’d said about her and Xander, and so had decided to show them the truth.
“Why?” Xander asked, confused, “Are you still upset about the whole ‘Cheerleader Faith’ thing? Cause I don’t think inciting nausea in Willow’s doppleganger is going to change anything.”
“Just do it, Boytoy,” she ordered, suppressing the urge to shudder at the memory of her own doppleganger.
“Fine,” Xander muttered, “I don’t see what the problem was anyway, Cheerleader Faith is a hell of a lot better than Rapist Xander."
“...dary,” Barney finished.
“Uh, guys? Look,” Robin pointed back to the bar, where Xander had removed his eyepatch and was looking straight at them, exposing the mess of scar tissue where his eye should have been, while Faith smirked behind him.
“Whoa,” Ted breathed, as the pair got up to leave, Xander having returned his eyepatch to its usual position, “That’s messed up.”
“Do you think that means he was telling the truth?”