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This story is No. 5 in the series "My Name Is Legion". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Bon appetit, Xander. No. 5 of the My Name is Legion series. August Fic-A-Day 2011 entry.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
DC Universe > Legion of Superheroes(Current Donor)ManchesterFR1311,165261,8485 Aug 115 Aug 11Yes
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and DC Comics characters are the property of their original owners.

Making a desperate dive onto the mall floor, Buffy landed on her stomach and slid forward far enough so that the Slayer’s outstretched arms and hands caught the tossed rocket launcher just before that U.S. Army anti-tank device hit the ground. In a single, smooth motion, the young woman bounced to her feet, only to freeze when she aimed the weapon at the Judge. This unstoppable demon armored in a blue exoskeleton was at present holding in its immensely powerful grip a fruitlessly struggling Xander Harris, snatched up a mere instant before, with that action sending this high-school student’s stolen rocket launcher flying through the air as a result.

Hearing a gloating roar of malevolent mirth coming from behind the Judge, Buffy promptly shifted her aim past this demon, only to hesitate again when she saw the all-too-familiar fanged face of her love, who’d changed into an even bigger monster than the azure-colored fiend continuing to incuriously regard the human twisting in its clutches. Gleefully calling to Buffy across the distance separating them, Angelus crowed, “So, who’re you going to shoot, darlin’? Us--” (at that word, the Irish vampire waved a languid hand around in a gesture that took in himself, a smirking Spike, and a vacant-eyed Drusilla standing together a few dozen yards away in the mall court that had rapidly evacuated itself of the other human bystanders a few minutes ago) “--or that fine fellow in blue there?”

Pointing an index finger right at the Judge still studying its captured victim, a hugely amused Angelus, who hadn’t had this much fun since the last time he massacred an entire orphanage, went on in his supremely mocking tone, “Of course, if you destroy the Judge, you’ll also be blowing to pieces his newest pet, but if you decide to target us instead, it’s hardly likely you’ll get us all -- and the Judge will then kill poor little Xander anyway! Oh, Spike, even you have to admit this is one of my best schemes ever to torment the Slayer!”

Rolling his eyes at his detested grandsire’s latest boast, the blond vampire reluctantly admitted, “Aye, not bad at all, but can we soddin’ well get on with it? You’re the one who told us to save the gloating for later, so let’s just start with the slaughter before those kiddies over there come up with some sort of surp-- Mmmph!”

Faster than humanly possible, the dark-haired master vampire had grabbed Spike by the chin, wrapping his hand over that demon’s mouth before he could finish speaking. Yanking the undead Englishman nearer, a furious Angelus hissed into Spike’s wide-eyed features, “Don’t throw my own words back at me! And don’t you ever dare to slight or interfere with my plans--”

This time, it was Drusilla who interrupted the older vampire, as the insane seer now screamed loudly for no evident reason at all. Shuddering on her feet for a few moments before falling to her knees on the mall floor, Drusilla clapped her hands to the sides of her head, to then start wailing, “Wild, wild, wild magic! It comes from far, from beyond time, from imaginary tales painted in bright colors for the little ones! Get away, get away! The youth born on the pink planet, he shall devour us all!”

Everyone there -- the Scooby Gang, the two male vampires, and even the Judge -- stared in puzzled disbelief at the whimpering seer after she’d stopped speaking. At last dismissing that incomprehensible babble from the unbalanced demoness, the Judge turned its massive head back, about to begin its finishing judgment upon the fate of humanity, starting with ending the life of the inconsequential member of that species in its arms which had been captured a few minutes before. However…

Still firmly held in the Judge’s grip, an entirely different person instead now calmly stared back at the surprised demon.

Trying to understand this totally unexpected event, a quick review of the last few moments offered no useful clues to how this was even possible. The Judge had no recollection whatever of releasing its original captive and then acquiring a new prisoner. It was also unfeasible for that ordinary human to have escaped on its own while next replacing in the Judge’s arms yet another individual varying in both facial appearance and attire.

Still maintaining his placid expression, the human held hostage in the Judge’s arms opened and closed his mouth several times, as if he’d just said something. Thinking that this speech had been too quiet to be easily heard, the Judge pulled in his arms to bring his captive closer, until the pair’s faces were nearly touching. As if he’d been waiting for exactly this, the human spoke again, uttering a very short and concise statement:

“I bet you taste like chicken.”

Right after that, Matter-Eater Lad leaned forward, and he bit off the Judge’s nose.

Thoughtfully chewing on his latest meal, the native known as Tenzil Kem of Bismoll, a world in the 30th Century which had its humans evolved to be able to consume all forms of matter (which apparently included the supernatural kind), now finished his mouthful, swallowed this, and then nonchalantly called out without turning his head, “Hey, Buffster, I got this taken care of, courtesy of Ethan’s latest bit of Chaos magic from Halloween. Why don’t you deal with Larry, Curly, and Moe right now?”


After the ensuing thunderous explosion, the triple howls of pain coming from behind the Judge unfortunately indicated to Xander that the rocket launcher hadn’t completely fulfilled its purpose. Oh, well, guessing from Buffy’s exasperated growl and the sound of her quickly departing footsteps, she was already going after the Scourge of Europe once this trio of vampires had their own big hope known as Blue Boy here turning out to be a major disappointment. Right now, Angelus, Spike, and Drusilla were probably carrying out a tactical retreat, better known as running like hell. Considering how things could’ve turned out otherwise, Xander was willing enough to accept a draw for today.

Besides, he had his own chore to get started on with here, anyway. Not that his new body with the attributes of a certain member of the Legion of Super-Heroes was going to find it all that difficult. More likely, totally easy, given that Matter-Eater Lad had teeth harder than diamond, jaw muscles capable of sending these mandibles crunching through depleted uranium, and a digestive system which could effortlessly dissolve Wolverine’s adamantium claws.

As he relaxed in his captor’s motionless grip while taking another big, delicious chunk out of that demon’s cheek, Xander smirked over his busily-working mouth into the frozen look of horror permanently displayed upon the Judge’s features, as the still-conscious monster experienced once again the unique saliva of Tenzil Kem, which was more than capable of rendering any being whatsoever -- alien or demon -- totally paralyzed as they became lunch.

The End

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