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Summary: House has a puzzle to solve. Thirteen's new friends make him look normal. Cuddy has a secret and Wilson's been friends with House way too long.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > House, M.D. > General(Past Donor)pinkhairedharryFR151011,218510135,1118 Aug 1116 Mar 12No

An incredibly Xander thing to do

Disclaimer: I own nothing. BtVS and House M.D. are owned by their respective creators.


About twenty minutes after the pirate had walked off with Thirteen they returned with another woman. Wilson had also joined the group while Remy had been gone. The new woman gave one smoldering look around the room then smirked. She managed to give the entire team hard-ons with nothing more than a look. She appeared very satisfied with herself like the cat that got the canary.

“Hiya Blondie,” winked Faith. Chase just grinned back.

“Well that explains why Chase looked like he got thoroughly fucked when he walked in here,” commented House “Who are your friends Thirteen?”

“The one who slept with Chase is Faith and this guy’s Xander” replied Thirteen agreeing with House’s observation.

“So why did the pirate kidnap you earlier?” asked House.

“I was bored. It seemed like fun. My girlfriend told me to stay out of trouble. I like messing with people. The voices in my head told me to. Faith’s a bad influence. Take your pick,” answered Xander before Remy could. Faith, House and Wilson laughed out loud. Apparently years of being House’s friend had warped Wilson’s sense of humor.

“Definitely a bad influence Boytoy,” added Faith grinning smugly.

“What’s the story behind the nickname?” inquired House.

“Popped his cherry back in high school,” stated Faith as if that explained it all.

“Blunt and sexy if you hadn’t slept with Chase earlier I would ask you to a sleazy motel tonight,” commented House.

“No you wouldn’t. Cuddy would murder you if you did,” argued Wilson.

“Too bad I don’t fuck other people’s boyfriends anymore. I’d a given you a ride gimpy. I do like’em as emotionally retarded as you seem to be,” commented Faith.

“I remember Want Take Have,” snorted Xander. “You made me walk home across town in my boxers during the middle of the night. I don’t think Dawn’s forgiven you for that. According to her you’re the reason I’m as emotionally retarded as I am and the reason I left the patron saint of scorned women at the alter during our wedding day. Not the fact that I’m a member of the male species and only think with my penis. Or my fucked up adoptive parents and unknown birth parents examples of running away, but hey the girlfriend is always right.”

Cuddy having entered the office in time to hear all of Xander’s ramblings asked, “Who are you two and what are you doing in here? And Why the hell have I been receiving complains about Chase having sex in a supply room with a brunet woman?”

Xander nearly jumped out of his skin in surprise. As it was, the injuries he had been managing to ignore until that moment violently protested his movement. He held his protesting ribs. He felt one of his cracked ribs pop completely breaking. He had also managed to reopen the wound Dawn had carefully sewn up last night.

“Shit X, did you just pop your stiches?” asked Faith as she ran over to check Xander.

Xander gave a slight half shrug and wheezed, “I’m… fine.”

“Clearly you aren’t Pirate. You’ve already started to bleed through your shirt. Take it off and sit down before I have Faithie hold you down and cut it off myself. I’ll just re-stitch you. You big baby,” commanded Remy.

“Hey Cuddy, how’s it feel to scare a pirate into injuring himself???” teased House causing Xander to laugh and further hurt himself.

“She… jus…t sur…pris...ed me… is all... I’m… fine Re…my stay… the hell a…way from… my shir...t,” wheezed Xander dodging behind Cuddy and away from Remy and Faith. Cuddy joined in trying to catch Xander before he injured himself more.

“Is it bad that I find this amusing?” asked Wilson. Chase and Foreman exchanged a look then nodded. “Come on Xander the injured pirate is being chased by two really hot female doctors and the sexy brunet he brought with to visit Dr. Hadley.”

“Actu…ally I… need…ed her… to dri…ve so… she… brought… me” gasped Xander dodging behind House.

“I got to hand it to him. He’s probably got some broken ribs, he’s losing a lot of blood, he’s embraced his pirate-ness, he’s dodging three different women with only one eye and he’s still wisecracking. I may just have to add him to my friend column,” announced House.

“Shut up and help us before he goes into shock form blood loss!!!” yelled Cuddy.

“Hey Boytoy if you stop and let the Docs’ fix you up me and Remy will ask little D and Red to have an orgy,” announced Faith. Xander stopped with a dreamy expression on his face just like she had figured he would. Cuddy and Remy both grabbed a hold of him before he could gather his wits and run away again.

“That was just cruel getting his hopes up without meaning it,” remarked House after the three had man handled Xander up onto the table. Faith was sitting on his legs so he couldn’t escape.

“Who said I didn’t mean it? Boytoy’s an excellent fuck. I still have wet dreams about the thing he does with his tongue. Convincing little D to share will be the hard part,” defended Faith.

“He’s a lucky guy to have a friend like you,” commented Taub.

“Almost all his friends are hot chicks so he either the manliest gay man I’ve ever met or he’s ridiculously good in bed,” added Remy teasingly.

“Me… li..key…the… va…gi…na… and …the… boo…bies” wheezed Xander causing Chase, Wilson and House to laugh. Foreman and Taub smirked. Cuddy even cracked a smile until Remy finished taking Xander’s shirt off. His right side was bruised so badly it was almost completely black and blue. There was also a ten inch gash in the middle of the bruise. The gash had clearly been professionally stitched before he reopened it. That wasn’t even the worst of it. She could clearly see older and more dangerous looking scars. He had two visibly ropy scars that spread across the left side of his chest starting at his heart. There was no evidence of any stitches or medical care provided for those two scars.

“WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU???” yelled Cuddy.

“Got…att…acked…by…a…rino” gasped Xander with a smirk on his face.

Faith chuckled because she doesn’t giggle and smacked his thigh “Shut it you. Let the Docs’ work in peace.”

“Says…the…girl…th…at…wa...lk…her…self…out…the…hos…pit…al…the…day…she…woke…from…an…eight…mon…th…long…co…ma” wheezed Xander in protest.
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