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Wax On, Wax Off, Xander-San

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This story is No. 9 in the series "My Name Is Legion". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: This is the Hellmouth. Nothing is too ridiculous. No. 9 of the My Name is Legion series. August Fic-A-Day 2011 entry.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
DC Universe > Legion of Superheroes(Current Donor)ManchesterFR1311,353032,1149 Aug 119 Aug 11Yes
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and DC Comics characters are the property of their original owners.

No matter how good you are at your work, sooner or later something will go wrong. The Scooby Gang became aware of that simple fact late one night in a Sunnydale cemetery while being completely surrounded by their demonic enemies.

The usual post-apocalyptic season lull had continued longer than usual during the summer, vastly helping the small group of humans trying to defend their world from the vicious creatures of the dark infesting the Hellmouth, all without having Buffy Summers, the Slayer, on their side. After the tragic events which had ended the whole Acathla situation, this young woman had fled from the small California city, unable to bear her horrible memories of sending Angel to hell. Over the next couple of months, nobody had heard a single word concerning Buffy, forcing Giles, Xander, Willow, Oz, and Cordelia to patrol nightly together in a dangerous gamble that they’d be able to keep things under control in Sunnydale on their own.

Tonight, it’d appeared that this gamble had at last failed. Standing back-to-back while holding ready their crossbows and other hand weapons, nobody spoke among the Scoobies, as they resignedly waited for the end in a gleeful charge by their smirking enemies encircling the small band of humans. Instead, the four teenagers and one mature man listened with growing irritation to Spike the vampire, who’d returned to Sunnydale several weeks ago without Drusilla.

Standing well to the rear of the crowd of other monsters he’d gathered up tonight to wipe out those soddin’ pests for once and all, the English demon continued to loudly boast of his cleverness at finally realizing Buffy was missing in action. Just as Xander was about to sarcastically respond with a biting rejoinder this vampire’s sudden and totally surprising flash of insight was due only to becoming aware that he hadn’t had his ass kicked lately by a tiny girl, a shimmer of white light abruptly illuminated the cemetery.

Recovering from their collective flinch at that utterly unexpected event, the entire group of vampires and other demons stared in total disbelief at one specific member of the Scooby Gang handing over his crossbow to a flabbergasted Cordelia at his side. Continuing their dumbfounded gawking, the malevolent mob watched as Xander Harris took a few steps forward, and then halted, to next make a smooth, short, martial arts bow towards his opponents.

Right after that, the carnage commenced.

Gaping in their own total bogglement at the tornado of destruction in his white and gold gi outfit handily dispatching a fiendish foe with every blow while Xander worked his circular way along the face of the demonic crowd, the other Scoobies numbly held their weapons on guard against any creature of the night deciding to seek easier prey. This never happened, since their dwindling enemies soon either wanted to make a desperate escape away from that incredible fighter, or get their clawed hands on somebody more than a match for them in combat.

Not taking their fascinated gazes away from numerous vampires puffing into dust or more durable demons suffering the effortless removal of their heads, limbs, and various body organs, the small band of humans soon heard from a confounded Giles totally at a loss, “How is this even possible?!

Beginning to jump up and down in relieved glee, Willow kept on watching her best friend since kindergarten dispatch two demons at once with a jumping split kick. As this pair of inhuman corpses slumped to the cemetery grounds and started dissolving into goo, the red-haired girl happily answered without taking her eyes away, “Xan’s the Karate Kid now, Giles! I recognize his costume from that Legion of Super-Heroes prop he got from Ethan’s costume shop!”

Four attacking vampires became extinct consecutively, one after the other, when chest hammer-blows shattered ribcages and sent bone splinters plunging through unbeating hearts, ending the magic that kept these vile blood-drinkers intact, all while Giles was feebly protesting, “I meant the, the other thing, Willow!”

The Scooby Gang then witnessed how Spike, now the only demon still in one piece, instantly performed his usual humiliated dash at full speed into the other direction after losing yet another fight. Xander went in hot pursuit of the vampire, except the martial-arts master was still losing ground to someone with a lot more bleedin’ incentive to make tracks. Groaning in disgust at seeing their most annoying adversary succeeding in escaping once more, Willow went on to absently respond to the British librarian with absolutely no clue about DC Comics characters. “Oh, that 30th century superhero with the name of Val Armorr became such a master of karate and other bare-handed combat that he could even go one-on-one against Superboy. So, just a bunch of demons isn’t going to give him all that much trouble--”

Cordelia showed she’d finally had enough for tonight by exploding, “He wasn’t talking about that! Or did you actually manage to miss what else Xander turned into tonight, you idiot?!”

Glaring at her long-time enemy, Willow felt a gentle hand fall upon her shoulder, as Oz spoke in his quiet voice for the first time all night: “Maybe it’s just because Ethan, Janus, Chaos magic, the Hellmouth, and the entire universe find it really funny to play practical jokes on Xander.”

“That…is an actual possibility,” allowed Giles in a very cautious tone. Placing his crossbow atop a handy gravestone, the older man pulled out a handkerchief from the front pocket of his tweed suit, and he began meditatively polishing his glasses, clearly thinking it over. A few seconds later, the Scoobies heard footsteps coming their way through the cemetery, and they all soon saw Xander trotting out of the darkness towards his friends.

Just barely suppressing her attack of the giggles, Willow called out, “Did you get Spike, Xan?”

Stopping in front of the four humans as he glumly shook his triangular-shaped head with the short horns protruding from the top of his skull, the white-furred goat remained standing upon his hind legs while then bringing up his forelimbs with their black hooves in an embarrassed shrug that plainly expressed without speaking, “Better luck next time.”

The barnyard animal created by tonight’s Chaos magic now brought down his upper limbs to brush against the sides of his Karate Kid uniform, which was the only thing besides his newfound incredible martial arts abilities otherwise matching his DC Comics character. Rolling his yellow eyes in utter exasperation at the beginning snickers of Willow and Cordelia now finally able to find the humor in it all, Xander bleated through his muzzle a sneering, “Neeehhhhh!” towards these two girls, who promptly collapsed together, holding each other up as they simultaneously screamed with laughter.

A minute or so later, the sudden look of alarm that flashed over the hairy face of the horned animal caused even Giles and Oz to start chuckling. Warily backing up a step or two on his hooves, Xander then stopped, to wait in utter resignation for whatever Cordelia and Willow were planning, now that these young women had stopped laughing to straighten up, let go of each other, and purposefully stride towards him. Each of the females had the identical devilish gleam of wicked delight in their eyes as they came nearer.

In the meantime, Giles took the opportunity to lean over and confide into Oz’s ear, “I truly doubt that this could happen to anyone else but to that lad there. Who but Xander could manage to pick the most favorable moment to illustrate the Oxford English Dictionary definition of a kid as a young goat?”

Keeping his features absolutely deadpan except for the faintest wry twist of agreement at the corners of his mouth, Oz placidly watched his girlfriend and Cordelia both using their hands to stroke Xander’s fur. As the teenage boy in his latest manifestation created by Chaos magic (obviously having a lot of fun tonight) blissfully closed his eyes, the entire cemetery heard a happy chortle from Cordelia:

“He’s sooooo soft and fuzzy!”

The End

You have reached the end of "Wax On, Wax Off, Xander-San". This story is complete.

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