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He's a saber what now?

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Summary: Halloween takes a turn for the weird after Xander gets a different military costume.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Sabrina the Teenage WitchCrazyDanFR1825,5772111117,22916 Aug 118 May 12No

Chapter 2

Buffy the Vampire Slayer was created by Joss Whedon. Sabrina the teenage witch was created by George Gladir and Dan DeCarlo. This is a piece of fanfiction and not made for profit. Unless you count amusement as a positive gain. If so, I hope this story generates.... interest.

Chapter 2:

“I can't go back can I?” Xander asked as he tried on a few different outfits with a couple of snaps of his fingers.

“Nope.” Salem said as he twitched his tail. “I liked the one with the cape.”

“Blasted Hellmouth.” Xander muttered. “I'm monitored?”

“Heavily.” Salem agreed. “Still you can call them. You just can't break the news of your Warlock status. The Other Realm's dictates are still in place.”

“Can I send them weapons?” Xander asked Salem. “Anything to give them an upper hand?”

“We'd have to check the books on that. I'm good at getting around some of their stuff but we'd have to research it.” Salem told him.

“Ahh... research. We're old friends.” Xander muttered as he finally decided on an outfit. Black pants, Chuck Taylor's and a black and red bowling shirt. “So... am I enrolled in school here?”

“Yeah. Hope you like being a Sophomore again.” Salem told him. “You're in Sabrina's classes.”

“Sophomore?” Xander muttered. “Well at least I've got time. When does my aging start to slow down?”

“How old are you now?” Salem asked him.

“Seventeen. I'll be eighteen in about six months.” Xander told him.

“You already have.” Salem told him. “Well, in theory anyways. Your magic is new. It may take a while for it to settle.”

“I'm not going to blow anything up am I?” Xander asked his 'father'.

“Not intentionally.” Salem smirked. “Most of the time.”

“Oh. Well then.” Xander said. “Is it the weekend? Cause I'd really like to get to know the town and all.”

“You know it's not going to go that way.” Salem told him. “Prepare for Pineapples.”

“Seriously? That old.... chestnut?” Xander snorted. “Fine fine. Lead the way... Pops.” Xander said as he removed the bars from his door with a snap of his fingers.

“Man... I wish I had your level of confidence when I was a teenager. It took centuries for me to grow into my machismo.” Salem said with a shake of his head. “Still. When you got it.”

“Flaunt it.” Xander smirked as he stepped out of his new room. “This place looks just like you remembered. Though it kinda makes me feel like a giant.”

“Yeah well. Cat's eye view and all.” Salem snarked. “Seventy years to go.”

“With good behavior.” Xander reminded him.

“Something I haven't seen lately.” Zelda Spellman said as the two came downstairs.

“Zelda, lovely to see you for the first time.” Xander grinned. “Where's the impressionable young Sabrina?”

“Out with friends.” Zelda said with a frown. “You aren't going to be corrupting my niece are you?”

“Depends. Is she the evil one? Cause if she is... well no promises.” Xander winked.

“It's still hard to tell.” Zelda told her. “It wasn't like with Jezebelda and me.”

“All right.” Xander shrugged. “But I won't be held responsible for any possible corruption. If you want I could share time with Sabrina and Katrina? You know even things out?”

“No.” Zelda said with a shake of her head. “I trust Sabrina, mostly. We can't reveal the family secret to her and having you share time would put that in jeopardy”

“Well there goes that twin fantasy.” Xander muttered.

“Ah the dreams of youth.” Salem sighed.

“You know, we can still get you fixed.” Zelda warned Salem. “Maybe if we do your son will get the message.”

“Fine. She's off limits.” Xander said with a nod. “At least until after the trial.”

“Were you this bad when you were his age?” Zelda asked Salem.

“No. I was too shy.” Salem said before he started crying.

“Now he's too emotional.” Xander grinned. “So... what is there to do in this town? Salem's memories are unsurprisingly not very helpful for mortal things to do.”

“Sabrina can and will show you around. Later.” Zelda told him. “ I need to do some more scans to make sure you've fully stabilized. Have you been doing any magic since you woke up?”

“Yep. All purple sparkles too.” Xander grinned as he rubbed his index finger and thumb together. “If you want to test me, get me a quizmaster so I can get my license already.”

“The paperwork will take time for all of that.” Zelda told him. “Two months at the earliest.”

“Well shit.” Xander muttered.

“Language.” Salem scolded.

“Fine. Manure. Happy?” Xander asked as he rolled his eyes.

“Not really.” Salem said. “Still a cat.”

“You're not going to let this go are you?” Zelda sighed.

“I was human, for all of ten minutes. I want that again.” Salem said. “I may have gained a son out of the whole situation but I want my body back. Magic or no magic.”

“The punishment will stand Salem. You know it's the standard punishment for your actions.” Zelda frowned. “You can petition the council but it will be ignored like all your previous petitions.”

“Well... I never.” Salem said before storming off.

“He's... not very stable.” Zelda sighed before looking at Xander.

“You don't need to tell me that.” Xander grinned. “Magic or not, his brain is squished into a cat's skull.”

“Cranial Compression syndrome?” Zelda muttered. “That has some potential.” She said before shaking her head. “But first things first. We need to test your magic.”

“Fine.” Xander said. “Let's go make some pineapples.”


“Xander? You're Alive!” Willow exclaimed after answering her phone. “You are alive aren't you?” She asked hesitantly. “Vampire Xander would sound a lot like living Xander.” She said into the phone. “I am not a Poopy head. Nuh-uh. I know you are but what am I? I am not! You're where? Why? No really, why?” She demanded. “What do you mean you can't tell me? You can't Spell it out either? What? Fine, I'll talk to you later.” She said before hanging up the phone.

“Spell it out for me?” Willow muttered. “Of course, he can't come back because something happened because of the spell! But what? I need to talk to Giles.”

The Spellman Household.....

“Nice touch.” Salem said as Xander hung up the phone. “You could have been a little more cautious though.”

“Dude, we live at the Spellman household. Even normal folks can tell there's something 'odd' here.” Xander grinned. “I didn't outright say I was a Warlock or anything else about the Other Realm. Or telling them I had become a wielder of true Magic. I violated no rule, treatise or law. I am in the clear.”

“So... law school later?” Salem asked.

“Maybe.” Xander laughed. “Maybe. You know you're looking a little pudgy. You up for joining me in an exercise routine? My access to the Saberhagen family trust should be enough for me to buy the appropriate equipment for both of us.”

“Ugh. Not you too.” Salem grumped. “I'm a cat. I'm allowed to be lazy.”

“You know the when you get turned human again, you'll be in proportionate shape to what your cat body is right?” Xander asked. “Good habits formed now will carry over to later.”

“I've got time.” Salem said as he twitched his tail.

“Mm..hhmm.” Xander said. “So... you don't want the kitty version of the Slam Man?”

“Okay fine.” Salem sighed. “But you're paying for my kitty sweats.”

“Why would you.... never mind.” Xander muttered. “Sure.”

“Dinner!” Hilda Spellman called.

“You heard the lady.” Salem said. “Time to meet Sabrina.”

“Yeah. I really hope she's the evil one.” Xander grinned.

“Ah hope. I remember it well.” Salem said with a nod. “Let's get some grub!”

The Dining Room.

“Mmm.... Ham.” Xander said as he sat at the table.

“So... you're Salem's.... son?” Sabrina asked. “You're taller than I thought you'd be.”

“I get it from my mom.” Xander smirked.

“Ah, Amazon women in the mood.” Salem said with a wistful sigh. “I miss Snu-Snu”

“Who's Snu-Snu?” Sabrina asked.

“It's not a person and you'll learn about it when you're older.” Zelda told her niece. “Much older.”

“I could show you.” Xander offered as he waggled his eyebrows.

“No.” Zelda and Hilda said together.

“Spoilsports.” Xander said as he snapped his fingers to teleport his food from the serving platters to his plate. He snapped his fingers again and a smaller portion appeared on Salem's plate.

“Thank you.” Salem said with a nod before digging in happily.

“So... are you as evil as your dad?” Sabrina asked Xander.

“Depends on how evil you want me to be.” Xander grinned.

“So how's Harvey?” Zelda asked Sabrina.

“Oh yes, how is the boyfriend?” Xander asked as he dug into his ham. “He still in the dark about everything?”

“He has to be.” Sabrina said. “Stupid rules.”

“You break 'em you buy 'em” Xander said with a nod. “Well that or the farm. Does she know about the spell limit yet?”

“Spell limit?” Sabrina asked.

Zelda frowned at Xander. “After a certain point, a human can be so overexposed to magic and spells wouldn't work on them anymore. It rarely happens.”

“Oh. Wow.” Sabrina said. “I did not know that.”

“There's a lot you haven't learned yet. Mainly because you haven't been studying like you need to be.” Zelda told her niece.

“Oh relax.” Hilda said with a snort. “She's doing just fine. Classes are a lot more demanding now then when we were her age.”

“Which was when again?” Xander asked with a grin.

Both Hilda and Zelda glared at Xander.

“Right, new topic!” Xander said. “Board games. Boring or not?”

“Depends on the people and the games.” Sabrina said with a shrug. “Battleship could get really intense or boring depending on how many people there are and if someone is cheating.”

“Battleship... there's a movie in that somewhere. Though it won't be a comedy like 'Clue' was.” Xander mused.

“Now that's just crazy talk.” Salem said with a decidedly irritated thump of his tail.

“Maybe.” Xander said. “Maybe.”

“So... things aren't going to be boring are they?” Sabrina asked her aunts.

“It's doubtful.” Zelda said before Xander and Salem started singing 'Maria' from 'West Side Story'.

Sabrina sighed. This was going to be a long couple of years.

The next week....

“Oh god my eyes!” Sabrina exclaimed as she backed out of Xander's room.

“Well at least someone is taking advantage of the fun part of the sixties.” Salem said as he watched his son participate in something really fun.

“I thought everyone in our school was sexually repressed because of the Time Ball?” Sabrina said as she found she couldn't really look away. “Is that pot I'm smelling?”

“Probably.” Salem said. “Not everyone is repressed... I think I see the librarian and two girls from the yearbook committee in there.” Salem said “My boy.”

“Where did you even learn that?” Sabrina asked.

“It's a long story that involved my first strike from the Witches Council.” Salem said. “Go get a camera, this goes in the album!”


“I am never messing with Time Balls ever again.” Sabrina said as she came back into the Spellman household.

“It was tasty.” Salem said. “I'm not apologizing for eating it.”

“What about the chase?” Sabrina asked as the headed upstairs.

“Okay, for that... I'm sorry I didn't make you run more!” Salem said with a laugh.

“Why do I still smell pot?” Sabrina asked as they stopped outside Xander's room.

“Guess.” Salem said with a smirk.

“They're still in there?” Sabrina asked. “Seriously? The first time I kissed a boy he turned into a frog and Xander can sustain a four-way for several days with no consequences?”

“I wouldn't say no consequences.” Salem said. “He's probably pretty thirsty.”

Sabrina sighed. “Why can't I have any fun?”

“There's a story there. But it's not mine to tell.” Salem said. “Still, what he's doing there isn't all fun. There's a whole lot of hard work involved.”

There were several thumps and giggles behind the door.

“And a lot of drugs.” Salem said with a nod.

“Why does he get to do that?” Sabrina asked.

“Because he's blackmailing me.” Aunt Hilda said as she came out of the linen closet/portal to the other realm. “Now come on, we need to distract Zelda for another hour so he can get them all home.”

There was a loud moan from Xander's room.

“Two hours.” Salem translated.

Hilda sighed. “I really need stop leaving my diary out for you and Xander to read.”

“Yes, yes you do.” Salem agreed.


The End?

You have reached the end of "He's a saber what now?" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 8 May 12.

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