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He's a saber what now?

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Summary: Halloween takes a turn for the weird after Xander gets a different military costume.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Sabrina the Teenage WitchCrazyDanFR1825,5772111116,71716 Aug 118 May 12No

Chapter One

Buffy the Vampire Slayer was created by Joss Whedon. Sabrina the teenage witch was created by George Gladir and Dan DeCarlo. This is a piece of fanfiction and not made for profit. Unless you count amusement as a positive gain. If so, I hope this story generates.... interest.


September 20th, 1997
Westbridge, Massachusetts... (Just outside of Boston).....

It was a sunny morning in Westbridge, Massachusetts as a peppy teenager came down the stairs to get some breakfast before heading off to school.

That was until she got to the next to last step of the stairs.

“Where did all this junk come from?” Sabrina Spellman wondered as she stared at the hoarder's wet dream that had somehow appeared in the living room. “Aunt Zelda! Aunt Hilda! Something's happened downstairs!” She called.

“Did Salem knock over the coat-rack again?” Aunt Zelda responded before coming down the stairs herself. “Oh my! What on Earth?”

“Who's stuff is this?” Sabrina asked as she stared at the sorted piles of clothes, weapons, magazines, furniture and vinyl records.

“I think I know.” Aunt Hilda said as she stared at one of the piles of clothes. “Salem!”

“What?” Salem, their 'pet' cat said as he came downstairs. “Oh. I knew I forgot to do something.”

“You forgot to pay the bill for your Other Realm storage space didn't you?” Aunt Hilda demanded. “We've been through this. You may be a cat but you still have limited access to the Saberhagen family trust. You have enough to cover this.”

“There was sale on Cat Christmas sweaters on the Home Shopping Network last month.” Salem protested. “I can't help it, I'm weak.” He said before he started sobbing.

“So what do we do with this stuff? Can we just rent another storage space for it?” Sabrina asked.

“No.” Aunt Zelda said with a shake of her head. “The Other Realm storage places are very particular if you live in the Mortal Realm. Even if we rent under a different name, they'll know. If we try to, they'll send all of this stuff and it's owner to the Infernal Realm and you really don't want to go there.”

“Infernal Realm?” Sabrina asked. “What's that?”

“Well, Witches like us and most of the Gods and some of the Monsters, the civilized ones anyways, come from the Other Realm. The real pieces of work and the truly irredeemable evil entities come from the Infernal Realm. It's a host of layered realities that most mortals would call... 'Hell'.” Aunt Zelda explained.

“Hell is really real?” Sabrina asked, surprised. She'd never read of this in the family book.

“It is, after a fashion.” Aunt Zelda said with a nod. “Most of the demons that live on this planet are the gentler ones. We Witches and those of the Other Realm sealed off the more powerful ones. We couldn't let that trash litter one of our favorite vacation spots after all.”

“So what can we do with this.... can I call it crap?” Sabrina asked.

“Hey, this is the accumulation of my life here!” Salem protested. “Well... pre-punishment anyways.”

“I know!” Aunt Hilda said as she perked up. “Yard Sale! We can make a killing on some of this stuff!”

“Hey!” Salem protested.

“Well, we're not keeping this here for the next seventy years.” Aunt Zelda said. “Hilda's stuff is already cluttering up our storage spaces here.”

“But... if we sell all this, I'll be naked when I become human again.” Salem said.

“So? Nudity might be in again.” Aunt Zelda said with a shrug. “I'll place an ad in the local papers.” She walked down the last step and promptly tripped as she knocked over a pile of magazines. “A big ad.”



A week later.....

“Hmmm....” A man said as he examined a bust of Janus, the Roman god of Beginnings and Transitions

“Twenty bucks.” A blonde woman said as she walked up next to the visitor.

“Fifteen.” He countered. His accent was faded, but still very British.

“Tell you what if we make it fifty, I'll throw in this whole rack of genuine antique clothing.” The blonde said as she gestured at the clothing cart that was full of old looking dresses and various military uniforms. This is the last of the lot. What do you say?”

“You've got a deal.” The man grinned. “I have a feeling some of this is going to come in handy in the near future.”



Inside the house, Salem sneezed.

“What is it?” Sabrina asked him.

“I think someone just repressed the urge to laugh maniacally.” Salem said as he stopped himself from hissing. “Is Zelda selling my clothes rack? My uniform was in that!”

“Your uniform?” Sabrina asked.

“What they arrested me in.” Salem told her. “I thought I was being careful. The uniforms had spells on them. You could only read what was on them if you were wearing one of them.”

“What did yours say?” Sabrina asked, her curiosity getting the better of her.

“Salem Saberhagen. Overlord.” Salem said proudly.

Sabrina laughed.

“What​? I'll have you know that term was almost never in use back then. I would have been the world's first!”

“Have you even read the Evil Overlord list?” Sabrina asked him.

“The wha?” Salem asked, intelligently.

“Let me show you. I found this one day when I was bored.” Sabrina told him as she pulled up the webpage on her a computer a few minutes after she managed to sign on.

“Wow! This is sheer gold!” Salem exclaimed before giggling. “Scroll down.”

Sabrina rolled her eyes before doing so.



October 30th......
Sunnydale California....
Ethan's.....

“I need a military outfit.” Xander Harris said as he walked up to the counter.

“You seem a little upset.” Ethan said as he took in the teen's body language.

“You could say that.” Xander said with a quick nod. “Turns out my mother decided to donate some clothes to a local shelter, including my costume.”

“I take it she doesn't normally do that.” Ethan surmised.

“Yeah.” Xander agreed. “So what have you got?”

“How do you feel about a Castro style outfit?” Ethan asked him.

“How much?” Xander asked.

“How much have you got?” Ethan grinned.



Halloween night....

Sunnydale....

“Showtime.” Ethan Rayne said with a grin as he felt Janus' power flow through him and outward through the town. He felt a huge rush at the end of it and nearly passed out as something else flowed through him.

“What was that?” He gasped. “And why did it taste like Tuesday?”



Westbridge Massachusetts.....

“Aww... Salem's tuckered out.” Sabrina said as she started cleaning up from the unexpected Halloween party.

“I think he might have gorged himself on the eruption of Candy Corn.” Aunt Zelda said as she noticed the snoozing cat.

There was an explosion in the kitchen, causing the three witches to jump.

Salem didn't even twitch.

“I'll go see what that is.” Aunt Hilda said as she started to rush to the kitchen.

“Something from the Other Realm?” Sabrina asked.

“Maybe. Someone always tries something on Halloween. One year someone even brought the Sanderson Sisters back to life.” Aunt Zelda said. “Those three had their lifelines reduced for messing with mortals but that wasn't enough. They were part of the reason for the Witch hunts in Salem.”

“Huh.” Sabrina said. “You know, there's a lot I still don't know about Witch History.”

“Well there is a lot of it. We live a long time, that leads to a lot of grudges and mayhem.” Aunt Zelda told her.

“We've got trouble.” Aunt Hilda said as she rushed in from the kitchen. “According to the message we got, Salem's magic is missing from the Magic depository.”

“The what now?” Sabrina asked.

“It's one of the most secure facilities in the other realm It's where the magic of the most hardened criminals is kept.” Aunt Zelda explained. “No one short of a deity can get in there.”

“So... who did get in there?” Sabrina asked.

“We don't know.” Aunt Hilda said. “It's still being investigated. I still don't know how this could have happened.”

“I have a few ideas.” Aunt Zelda said. “But that level of magic is far beyond what any normal human could channel.”



Sunnydale...

“Free at last, I'm free at last!” Salem Saberhagen shouted as he conjured a horse. “Tonight, I ride!”

“Did you think it would be that easy?” A voice called from one of the darkened areas nearby.

“Drell.” Salem said as he froze, mid mount.

“That's right. I know the Saberhagen's have a habit of being two faced but partnering with Janus?” Drell smirked. “Really now.”

“Well... it's an old family thing.” Salem stated nervously. “You're not going to turn me into a cat... again are you?”

“No. That would harm the body you're inhabiting. I am going to end the spell though. We'll take it from there. You do know this town is one of the portals to the Infernal Realms right?”

“That's why I smelled Tuesday earlier.” Salem said in recognition. “Wait. The majority of the people on the portals that live as long as this body tend to have.....”

“The Witch Hunter Gene.” Drell said with a nod. “It doesn't do much here, it just increases their chances of making it past puberty. Add in the magic of a decently powerful warlock like yourself.... well we'll have to wait and see.”

“Hey... this isn't exactly what I had planned as an escape route.” Salem admitted. “This sort of just happened. All I did was start to enjoy having a body again.”

“Well... it's one avenue that won't be open again after this.” Drell told him. “We're going.” Drell said as he snapped his fingers, destroying the bust of Janus from several miles away.

“Wha.” Xander said as he returned to himself.

Drell pulled a Tupperware container from his jacket pocket and snapped his fingers once again. A purple mist came out of Xander and flowed into the container.

Xander stared at the figure before muttering “Bastard” and passing out.

Drell examined the teen before sighing. The paperwork for this would be ludicrous. “I need to get out of the Council. I'm getting too old for this shit.” He said before using his magic to transport himself and the teen to the Other Realm. This was going to be a doozy.



The Spellman Household....

“Salem, what happened?” Aunt Zelda demanded.

“I was a man again. Someone used my old uniform in a chaos spell.” Salem explained. “I was about to make my escape in a dashing manner when Drell showed up and spoiled my fun.” Salem said with a thump of his tail. “Though there may be consequences from this.”

“Like what?” Aunt Hilda asked.

“The boy I possessed had the Witch Hunter Gene. No one has any idea what happens if a Witch Hunter actually has magic.” Salem explained.

“Witch Hunter?” Sabrina asked. “Someone want to clue me in?”

“A small section of humanity have a gene that makes them sensitive to magic. They'll instantly dislike any Witch they meet. There's generally an odd resonance effect. If a Witch Hunter calls you a Witch, your magic reacts and turns you into a mouse for a century.” Aunt Zelda explained. “An interesting but dangerous phenomena.”

“So... what happens now?” Sabrina asked.

“We wait. Even if we didn't mean for this to happen,we technically aided the escape of a prisoner. I knew yard sales were dangerous but this is a little extreme.” Aunt Zelda told her.

“Well... that's just great!” Sabrina said before storming upstairs to her room and slamming her door.

“I'm with her.” Aunt Hilda said to her sister.

“I know.” Aunt Zelda said with a nod. “In the future, we're going to have to be much more careful with our belongings. Passive magic can be just as dangerous as active.”

Both witches turned when they heard the tell-tale sound of their toaster.

“I'll see what it is.” Aunt Zelda said before heading for the kitchen.

“What is it?” Aunt Hilda asked as she followed her sister into the kitchen a few moments later.

“I've been summoned by the Witches Council. They want me to study someone.” Aunt Zelda said as the notice she'd been sent vanished in a puff of smoke.

“Who?” Aunt Hilda asked. “Who?”

“Who do you think?” Zelda said with a tired sigh. “The things I do for science.”



The Other Realm, several hours later...

“What are your findings, Zelda Spellman?” Drell asked as she approached the Council's table.

“He has magic. According the indicators, his magic is inextricably linked to the Saberhagen line. Aside from his appearance he is all but the son of Salem Saberhagen in the eyes of magic.” Zelda said with an air of finality.

Drell pinched the bridge of his nose. He knew this was going to be trouble. “Exactly what does this entail? Is his Witch Hunter Gene still present?”

“No. From what I can tell it's been replaced by pure magic. This may be a singular case, but if enough of those with the gene are exposed to large amounts of magic over time... they might become Witches on their own. After several generations of course.” Zelda Spellman stated. “It is my firm belief that someone that can be trusted to remain discreet should monitor the populations over the portals. If this can happen once, it could happen again. It's in my report under the 'Janus Effect'.”

“The matter will be investigated. If anyone starts to be able to develop their own well of power outside of what they can draw from the portals, we will intervene.” Drell said solemnly. “Now, as to how to deal with the newest Saberhagen. Have you been able to gauge his personality at all?”

“I've only been able to do cursory tests. For now,he's going to sleep until his body adapts to having magic. He should awaken in a few days.” Zelda stated. “Being in remotely familiar surroundings should help when he revives.”

“I see where you're going with this.” Drell stated. “I would have recommended it anyways. You have the room. Keep an eye on him. You will be compensated for your time.”

“Are my family in any way going to be punished for the unintentional escape of the criminal known as Salem Saberhagen?” Zelda formally asked.

“You already are.” Drell smirked. “I will be checking up on his progress from time to time. I'll expect you to file your reports on him along with Sabrina's development.”

Zelda nodded. So far the reports on Sabrina and Katrina were neck and neck. It was rare but they had still not been able to determine which of the two witches was the evil one.

Being teenagers didn't help the girls' judgment so it was still fifty-fifty. Both were prone to mistakes and lapses of common sense.

Zelda just hoped adding a teenage male with an imprint of Salem's psyche in his mind wouldn't tip the scale in Katrina's favor. She rather liked Sabrina.



Sunnydale.... the next day....

“Has anyone seen Xander since whatever that was last night?” Giles asked Willow and Buffy as the two teens explained what had happened in that half hour of chaos that had happened the night before.

“Nope.” Buffy said. “Do you think he got hurt?”

“It's hard to say. With everything that goes on here after dark... well anything is possible.” Giles said as he took off his glasses. “Anything.” He said with a sigh. “If he doesn't show up tomorrow... well after that he's either missing, dead or turned.”

“But... it's Xander.” Willow sniffed.

“Get me something of his. I can attempt to do a scrying spell.” Giles sighed. “But those spells aren't always effective.”

Willow nodded before running off to Xander's locker to get his favorite pen.

“So... where exactly did you all get your costumes from anyways?” Giles asked Buffy.

“Some new place in town.” Buffy told him. “I think it was called Ethan's.”

Giles resisted the urge to throttle his Slayer and succeeded. Barely.



Westbridge, Massachusetts...
A few days later....

“Hnnnn.” Xander Harris mumbled as bars of sunlight peeked through the window and onto his face.

“Man, I thought I was lazy.” A voice said from inside the room.

“Who?” Xander mumbled as he cracked one eye open. “This isn't my room.”

“It is now.” The same voice said.

Xander rubbed his face and sat up. “Where...” He said as he turned his head and looked at the cat sitting on the desk by the door. “You.” Xander said as he recognized the cat.

“Me.” Salem said with a twitch of his tail.

“So.... now what?” Xander asked him.

“Snap your fingers, see what happens.” Salem said with as much of a smirk as a cat's body could muster.

“Well.. I am hungry.” Xander said as he looked around the room. “This the Spellman's?”

“It is.” Salem said with a nod. “So... what are you going to eat?”

“What else? Pancakes.” Xander said with grin. “You still like soggy bacon?”

“You know it.” Salem said with a nod. “Lock the door and hurry up with the forbidden breakfast foodstuffs already!”

Xander snapped his fingers and the door was locked and barred. “Not bad.”

“Locks are easy. Food's harder.” Salem said as he rose to a sitting position.

Xander focused and snapped his fingers again. A breakfast tray loaded with a large stack of hot pancakes and butter appeared along with some juice and two plates of thick, soft bacon. “Well?” Xander grinned.

“Today, we feast!” Salem shouted happily before hopping on the bed. “Bacon, come to papa!”



Outside Xander the Magnificent's new room...

“They're in there. I can feel it.” Aunt Hilda said as she stared at the door to the new room in the house. “They're eating them, mocking one of our weaknesses.”

“Eating what?” Sabrina asked as she looked at the door and then her aunt. “Am I going to even get to see this guy soon? Is he cute?”

Aunt Zelda sighed. “Sabrina, what do you know about addiction?”

“It's bad.” Sabrina said with a nod. “Very bad. Why?”

“Well... we Spellmans have a tendency to become addicted to a certain breakfast food. One who's name I won't mention. Not while your Aunt Hilda's like this. The last thing any of us need is for one of us to fall off the wagon.”

“I bet they've got syrup on them... with blueberries.” Aunt Hilda muttered as she stared at the door.

“Are you talking about pancakes?” Sabrina asked her Aunt Zelda.

“That's it! I'm going in there!” Aunt Hilda said as he raised her casting finger. She was about to blow the door down when her sister stopped her.

“Come on! You know you want to eat some too!” Aunt Hilda whined.

“I know.” Aunt Zelda said with a nod. “But we can't. It never ends Hilda. We'd be like vampires, but with pancakes.”

“It's that bad? Really?” Sabrina asked. “Wow. What about waffles?”

“Those we can eat.” Aunt Zelda told her. “They're... well they're not quite the same.”

“Is this one of those magic things?” Sabrina asked.

“Yes. Actually, it's one of the Spellman family secrets. We've got quite a few of them.” Aunt Zelda told her. “But that can wait. Hilda! Waffles!”

“Huh?” Aunt Hilda said as she stopped staring at the door to Xander's room. “We're doing what now?”

“Waffles.” Aunt Zelda repeated. “Kitchen. Now.”

“Oh.” Aunt Hilda said. “Right. Sorry.”



In Xander's Room....

“They gone?” Xander asked Salem as the cat listened at the door.

“Yep.” Salem said before jumping back onto the bed. “So... you've got the family magic in you. How much do you remember?”

“I remember enough.” Xander said. “Seriously? World Domination? Do you know how much work that takes for upkeep?”

“In my defense, I was using magic.” Salem pointed out. “It's kind of a cheat.”

“Fair point.” Xander nodded. “So.... what am I? Half-Mortal? Full Witch? What?”

“You're new, but according to the scans Zelda did you're Full Witch. Lifespan included.” Salem told him. “I expect you to look after me in my old age as any dutiful son would.”

“So... smothering or lava?” Xander grinned.

“Lava, most definitely lava. But only after my mind's gone around the bend.” Salem told him with a nod.

“So twenty seven years before now then.” Xander laughed.

“Yeah..hey!” Salem said. “World Domination was the new thing!”

“And it would have worked too, if it weren't for those meddling kids!” Xander snorted.

“Well... it would have.” Salem said. “Darn whistle blowing mystery solvers. Never trust a ginger named Archie. He's always going to end up being your nemesis.”

“I'll keep that in mind.” Xander grinned.

TBC.......
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