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Summary: How Ted finally met the mother of his children and Barney didn't get his heart broken.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > How I Met Your MotherShulikFR1525,8622103,03118 Aug 1118 Aug 11No

Chapter One


How I met your mother is a situational comedy owned by Carter Bays and Craig Thomas.
BtVS belongs to Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Some lines taken out of the episode: The Pineapple Incident

I'm just playing.


Fluff, crack. You have been forewarned.

A/N: I'm reposting this because apparently the urge to play in this universe has not left me despite everything else I've written, so prepare for a lot of smushy Ted, slayers being emotionally obtuse and Barney doing grand things in the name of love.



Willow leaned over the table, green eyes glittering excitedly. “Do you see her?” she breathed out.

Buffy rolled her eyes good naturedly but did as she was asked. Ever since they had found out that Willow had been adopted at the age of two, it had been a constant struggle to deal with the wicca’s flip flopping moods. It was good to see her excited again.

Even though Ira and Sheila Rosenberg had never been particularly good parents to Willow, she was still disappointed and depressed when she found out that they weren’t her biological parents.

It had been Dawn who had come up with the solution, barging into their redheaded friend’s room a week after the ‘Incident’ as it came to be known.

“I found her!” she exclaimed, flopping onto Willow’s bed with the enthusiasm of a woman much younger than her twenty two.

“Ugh,” Willow grimaced, blinking as she tried to get away from the harsh light of day and burrow further into her blankets, “who’d you find?”

“Your sister,” Dawn grinned and brandished a stack of documents in Willow’s view.

“What?!” Willow yelped, trying to jump up from the bed and getting tangled in her sheets at the same time. She made an ‘Oof’ sound as she toppled over the side of the bed.

“I have a sister?” she finally disentangled herself, grabbing at Dawn’s hand with her usual enthusiasm.

“Yup,” Dawn beamed proudly, “you have a twin sister.”

From then on, it had been a rush to find out as much as they could about Willow’s twin. It might have been abuse of Council resources but everyone was really curious to know more about Willow’s background and her only sibling. Her name, they found ,was Lily Aldrin, she was a kindergarten teacher, had lived all her life in New York and she had been in a relationship with the same man since college.

It had taken a little creative finagling with a locator spell but they had found out that Lily usually spent her Friday nights at a bar called McLaren’s in New York city.

“I see her Will,” Buffy smiled at her friend who was practically vibrating with excitement, “she looks really happy.”

The other redhead did look happy, she was sitting at a table populated by three more guys, one of which had his arm around her shoulders. Buffy guessed that this was Lily’s guy. One of the guys, cute with a kind of preppy air to him, was doing shots- five in a row as Buffy counted.

“Do you think I should go over and say hi?” Willow fretted, tangling with the hem of her shirt. “I mean,” she looked to her side where Kennedy was rubbing her shoulder in soothing circles, “would it be too weird?”

“No, baby,” Kenney murmured, dropping a kiss on Willow’s temple, “but maybe we should just observe for a little while, whadd’ya say?”

Thankfully, they had thought about what would happen if Lily Aldrin or someone she knew accidentally saw an exact replica of her and had decided to have Willow wear a glamour. She was still a petite redhead, but her features were slightly altered and her clothes were very different from what she’d normally wear.

Faith, who was busily tipping back shots of her own, chose that moment to chime in “Ken’s right, Red. We should just check out the sitch before going in.”

The guy who had done all the shots had by this time turned on the jukebox, jumping on top of one table and going on a rousing rendition of some song.

“Oh my god,” Kennedy snorted, laughing into Willow’s shoulder, “check out the idiot your sister’s friends with.”

“I don’t know,” Faith leaned back, eying the dancing guy with amused interest, “I think he’s cute.”

“You think so?” Buffy scrunched up her nose. “But he’s so preppy-“

She was interrupted by the guy overbalancing and falling off the table in a tangle of limbs. He made a satisfying thump! as he landed and Buffy winced, knowing how much it would hurt for a normal to land like that.

“You guys,” Willow straightened her collar, looking at the table where drunk guy’s friends, including her sister were helping him recover his dignity, “I don’t think I can talk to her today. I’m not ready.”

A shadow fell over their table, it was one of Lily’s friends- the blonde one in a suit, wearing an almost sleazy sort of smirk on his face.

“Daddy’s home,” he beamed at them widely.

Buffy couldn’t help it, she had to laugh at that. Though she knew that most girls would have slapped him, there was something about the boyish enthusiasm he exuded that appealed to her. He was trying so hard to be cocky and bastardly that she felt an extra strong pang of missing Spike. He was like a little boy, trying to play dress-up in an adult’s costume.

“Does that ever work?” she smirked, crossing her arms as she regarded him.

His grin grew wider as he saw her smile. “No,” he admitted easily, “but I had to try, didn’t I?”

“I can give you points for bravery,” Buffy conceded, ignoring the sly looks that Faith and Kennedy were shooting her along with the slightly alarmed glares coming over from Willow.

“I’m Barney,” the guy extended his hand.

Buffy knew that she should be worrying about Willow’s situation but this was one of Lily’s friends. He could help them get an inside scoop.

“Buffy,” she smiled, shaking his hand. He smelled really nice, sort of spicy and clean at the same time.

Barney looked like he was about to say something else when he glanced back at his table where his drunk friend was now engaged in trying to steal someone’s cocktail umbrella. “I should go,” he grinned ruefully and took a step away.

Buffy was about to dismiss him when he stepped back.

“Listen,” he flushed darkly and stuck his hands into his pant pockets, a gesture that she was sure was foreign to him, “can I call you sometime?”



They had decided to come back another Friday or maybe even try and make an appointment with Lily to see her outside a bar. Instead, they had chosen to just stay and relax, hang out a little. With everything that they did within the Council, they rarely had opportunities to really let things go for an evening.

Lily and her friends had taken off earlier and the Council women were amused and not a little surprised to see Barney giving Buffy a little wave as he sidled after his friends.

Things had gone downhill from there.

Currently, Kennedy and Faith were trying to drink each other under the table.

Buffy, who had never had a liking for alcohol, especially after her freshman year in college was giggling with Willow and texting someone from time to time.

Faith thought that it could have possibly been the suit-clad guy from earlier, though it was strange- Buffy usually went for the tortured types, not the sunnily jerky ones.

Whatever though, it was just good to see her out there.

“Give it up Senior Slay,” Kennedy taunted, throwing back another shot of tequila, “you’re going down.”

“Oh my god,” Faith stared at her, “are you actually this lame?”

Even though they had more or less accepted Kennedy as Willow’s girlfriend, there were still some issues there between the young woman and the Scoobies. She resented them for knowing Willow a whole lot longer than her, and they resented her for being a whiny bitch.

Lily’s drunk friend from earlier chose that moment to barrel back in the bar, shouting at the top of his lungs “I’m back, baby! Who loves me?”

A drunk group near the exit gave a big round of applause and the cute, bald bartender narrowed his eyes at the guy.

“Check it out Red,” Faith laughed, “your sister’s got some hardcore friends.”

“Oh shut up,” Willow hissed, poking the side of Faith’s torso.

“I feel so molested,” Faith whined in return and shot a slyly dark look over at Kennedy, “it’s not my fault that Junior Slay can’t keep you satisfied.”

The poor drunk guy lunged towards the bathroom and Faith took that opportunity to flick Kennedy’s ear as she hopped over the table. “I’m gonna go check that he doesn’t kill himself in there,” she told them and trotted off, swaying slightly in the direction of the ladies’ bathroom where she had seen the guy disappear.

She could hear him banging around in the back stall as she came inside, so she took out her lip gloss and began coating her lips in layers of the stuff. By the time he made it out of the stall, Faith’s lips were looking so shiny and slick that she thought about getting a spatula to scrape off the gunk.

“What are you doing in the men’s room?” the guy demanded dizzily.

Faith grinned. He really was cute, in a very wholesome way that only recently started appealing to her. After her breakup with Robin, she found that she really missed having the safety and security of a monogamous relationship. As strange and horrifying as it sounded, but the wild child was finally ready to settle down.

“Wait,” he stopped and glanced around, probably looking for the urinals, “what am I doing in the ladies’ room?”

She had to laugh at that. “I liked your earlier performance,” Faith decided to compliment him, a compliment that was true since she did like the singing and the sordid hip swiveling that he had done on top of the table before falling on his ass.

“You’ve got guts, I’ve gotta give you that,” she grinned and closed off her lip gloss, slipping it into the hidden pocket of her tight jeans.

No matter how nice he may have looked, he was still a man, and Faith was terribly amused to see his eyes trying to avoid looking at her ass. She couldn’t blame him, really.

“It was stupid,” he waved her off.

“Nah,” Faith shook her head and jutted one hip out, again watching as he tried to keep his eyes off her body, “I’ve had a pretty rough week. I feel like doing something stupid.” Man, the alcohol must have been affecting her brain more thoroughly than she thought if she was talking about doing something ‘stupid.’

The guy grinned, showing his dimples as he swayed towards her, “I’m something stupid.” He beamed proudly, “Do me.”

This time, the laughter was genuine. He reminded Faith of Xander, with his corny pick up lines and his boy-scout good looks. Xander before Caleb and before Anya, while they were still more innocent and before she had gotten her hands on him.

She missed that Xander.

“I’m Ted,” the guy grinned at her and extended a hand.

“Faith,” she smiled back, feeling her own dimple come out. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” Ted’s hand was large, calloused for some reason, like he did a lot of work with his hands.

“I’m going to head back,” she nodded over at the door, “before my friends start freaking out.”

She took a step towards the door when Ted called her back, “Hey Faith?”

“Yeah?” she couldn’t help but smile as he shuffled in place. He was really too cute and she could tell that he didn’t drink like this often. He was just so damn awkward.

“Can I call you?” he tilted his head and the adorableness factor doubled right then and there.

Willow was probably out there, freaking out about her sister and Buffy was texting some guy that they met only two hours ago- Faith knew that she should say no. But hell, when was she ever known for her restraint?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, “sure.”

Ted was swaying a little too wildly as he tried to type in her number and so she put it in herself. “Here Ted,” she grinned and gave him one last wave before walking out of the washroom and probably out of his life, “you have a good night, kay?”



They rushed into the washroom where they could hear the sound of a phone ringing. Lily was getting a really bad feeling about this.

Marshall ripped the bathtub curtain back, revealing Barney relaxing in their tub, still in his suit with a blonde girl sleeping soundly on top of him.

“Hey guys,” Barney whispered with a huge grin.

“Barney! What are you doing in the bathtub?” Lily couldn’t help the note of hysteria escaping.

“Shh,” Barney shushed her urgently, “she’s still asleep!” He nodded down at the girl on his chest. When they all shut up and looked at her, only to see her snuffle and burrow into Barney’s suit further- Lily exhaled and repeated herself, this time in a whisper.

“The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling,” Barney explained looking like it was just another normal thing in his life, falling asleep in his friends’ bathtubs. For all Lily knew, it probably was.

She had another horrible thought, “Oh my god, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night?”

“Don’t worry,” Barney grinned, “we slept through it.”

Lily’s eyes were glued to Barney’s hand, stroking the blonde’s hair with almost, dare she say it, affection.

Barney started giggling, “I totally didn’t sleep through it!” He looked over at Lily with an appraising eye, “And boy, for a little girl, you’ve got a big tank!”

His giggling must have startled his companion because the girl started moving, blearily opening her eyes as she tensed and jumped off Barney and out of the tub like a scalded cat.

“What the hell is going on here?” she demanded, keeping everyone at a safe distance. “Who are you people?” She stared at Lily, narrowing her eyes as she rubbed her temple, “Willow?”

“Um,” Barney chose that moment to stand up in the tub, “hi Buffy! Remember me?” He gave her a cheery grin, tempered slightly by the fact that she still looked like she was about to run off on him.

It was just the kind of thing that Lily would notice in the heat of the moment, but it was true, the back of Barney’s suit did stay impressively neat while his front was wrinkled. Probably from his nighttime companion.

“Oh my god,” Buffy groaned, widening her eyes, “Barney?”

“Hi,” Barney got out of the tub, “how’re you feeling?”

“Like crap,” Buffy said succinctly, dropping the defensive stance as he neared her. She eyed him warily, “We didn’t do anything last night, did we?”

“No, no,” Barney shook his head with disappointment, “you were really drunk and I had tripped when we carried Ted upstairs.” He grimaced, “I think I pulled something,” he turned to Ted, “you should think about going on a diet.”

Ted, who was looking more and wider eyed by the turn of events chose that moment to speak, “Hey guys? I’m glad that we’ve figured out who Barney’s friend is. Now can we think about who the girl in my bed is?”

“You’ve got a girl in your bed?” Barney exclaimed delightedly. “No way!”

Marshall’s grin was wide and unholy as he nodded, “Way.”

Barney almost slipped on the floor as he hurried to see the girl in Ted’s room, zooming into the living room like a demented ostrich.

The group trotted after him, everyone still curious to see the other result of this drunken night of debauchery.

Lily, somehow found herself walking next to their new blonde friend, “Hey, I’m Lily.”

“Buffy,” she shook her hand, “sorry about that thing back there.” Buffy indicated with her head towards the washroom where she had gone all ninja on them. “I got startled.”

“It happens,” Lily shrugged philosophically. Everyone had their own way of dealing with new situations, who was Lily to judge her?

Buffy sat next to Lily and Marshall on the couch as Barney came running back in, “Oh my god,” he panted, looking gleeful as he poked at Ted’s shoulder “you’ve got a girl in your bed!”

“Yes, I know,” Ted rolled his eyes, “but who’s the girl?”

The door to Ted’s room opened and a brunette about their age sidled out of there. Lily gaped. She was pretty, sure, but what was really shocking were the leather pants she was sporting. And was that a tattoo on her arm?

“My name’s Faith,” the girl said in a husky voice. Her demeanor changed as her gaze fell upon Barney’s new friend, “B?!” she exclaimed. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Buffy blushed a tomato red and scratched at the back of her neck. “Not the same thing you are,” she narrowed her eyes at a line of hickeys going up Faith’s neck.

“Too bad,” Faith grinned and cracked her back, “you really needed to loosen up.”

Ted’s cell rang at that moment and he seemed distracted as he talked, keeping his eyes on the line of Faith’s stomach as she cracked her vertebra.

“Who was that?” Marshall inquired with a really amused look in his eyes.

Lily was happy to see that her baby kept his eyes firmly away from the new girl, showing off her abs in a stretch that was taking way too long.

“Uh,” Ted mumbled, still staring at Faith unblinkingly.

“Ted!” Barney snapped his fingers in front of Ted’s face, giving everyone an evil grin.

“Sorry,” Ted shook off his stupor, “that was Robin, she’s coming over to talk about the phone calls.”

Everyone fell silent as they watched Ted process what he just said.

“Oh crap!” he yelled, flying up into the air and trying to keep the weight off his injured ankle at the same time, “Robin’s coming over!” He ran to Faith, “Hide,” Ted urged the black clad girl, “please.” He tried to shuffle her off into his bedroom.

Lily had to admire his bullheadedness. The girl, Faith, just raised an eyebrow at Ted’s desperate gestures. “You’ve got a girlfriend?” she drawled, crossing her arms and looking mighty intimidating for someone that came up to Ted’s shoulder.

“Babe,” Marshall whispered into Lily’s ear, “this is better than any soap opera.”

“No,” Ted shook his head, looking more panicked by the second, “she’s not my girlfriend.”

“Wife?” Faith’s stare got a little more steely as she sneered at Ted.

“No,” Ted shook his head even more frantically, “she’s not my wife.”

“Then,” Faith flopped down in the empty lounge chair and settled in with an impressively quirked eyebrow, “no way am I hiding,” she declared and stared at Ted with a challenge in her eyes.

Lily kind of liked her. For so long, Ted had been getting complacent with the women around him. He was a nice guy who dated nice girls and the relationships usually broke up in really nice ways. Faith, who was not a nice girl by any means, looked like she wouldn’t taking Ted’s usual bullshit.

Somebody knocked on the door.

“Oh god,” Ted shot one more hunted look at Faith, who had the nerve to look amused and challenging even as she sat still, and trotted off to open the door.

“Hi Robin,” he mumbled nervously as Robin stepped into the apartment.

“Hey Ted,” Robin gave him a wide smile before seeing the large group of people watching her with avid interest.

Marshall and Lily were holding hands as they gazed serenely back at their friends, Faith had crossed her legs in the lounge chair and looked like a determined cat, while Barney- most surprisingly, was sitting with Buffy in his lap and whispering something probably indecent into her ear.

“What’s going on?” Robin frowned as she took in the half naked state of the brunette woman in the chair, Barney’s new cuddle-bunny and the fact that Marshall had still not blinked since she walked in. “Who are these people?”

“Um,” Ted hedged, “I can explain?”

There was another knock on the door and Ted quickly made his way around Robin, looking extremely grateful for the opportunity to avoid the line of questioning for a few more minutes.

When he swung the door open though, everyone’s jaws dropped even more.

Lily’s doppelganger walked in, holding hands with a glaring young brunette in jeans and a leather jacket.

“Hi Willow!” Buffy chirped from where she was still perched on Barney’s knees, “You’re just in time for the party!”

“Meep,” the doppelganger tried to hide behind the other girl and Lily felt faint, recognizing the exact shade of red that the impostor turned as her very own.

“Who the hell are you?” she demanded as she stood up, swayed and then the world went black.



Now kids, you know that I’ve always talked about the dangers of alcohol and this story is probably the worst story I could tell you on that subject.

But alcohol is not the lesson here.

The lesson is friendship and taking chances.

If your aunt Willow hadn’t taken a chance and come to New York, then she never would have met your aunt Lily.

If aunt Buffy had decided that uncle Barney was just another jerk out for a good time, then your cousin Joyce wouldn’t exist.

And if Faith had never agreed to come back and do something stupid with me at McLaren’s, then none of this would have been possible.

It took us about two years, time enough for us to become friends and grow closer, for me to find out all the walls that Faith had and how to break them down and for her to feel safe with me. I still needed to properly screw my head on after your aunt Robin and Faith was more or less getting over her ex-boyfriend who, surprisingly, was named Robin too.

It took a lot of time, kids, and a lot of effort- but this is the true story of how I met your mother.

Oh and p.s., it was your mom who stole that pineapple. She did it on a dare.
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