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Other Kind Even Worse

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This story is No. 20 in the series "My Name Is Legion". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: What should have been the proper response to “Beer Bad.” No. 20 of the My Name is Legion series. August Fic-A-Day 2011 entry.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
DC Universe > Legion of Superheroes(Current Donor)ManchesterFR1311,376031,37120 Aug 1120 Aug 11Yes
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and DC Comics characters are the property of their original owners.



“Aw, c’mon! Not now!

Hastily backing out of the men’s restroom she’d just stepped into, the young woman with strawberry-blonde hair looked around at the back of the college bar in her growing panic. Happy noises of a crowd of UCS students occupying the main room beyond, all of them determined to have a good time no matter what, drifted from up the building corridor, which was currently deserted except for the girl in the close-fitting blue costume. Knowing this momentary privacy wouldn’t last, Xander Harris, in his latest manifestation as a member of the Legion of Super-Heroes as a result of that rat-bastard Ethan’s Halloween magic years ago, thankfully spotted a phone alcove at the far end of the corridor. It even had a folding noise shield across the open front, which made up Xander’s mind for him at once.

Scuttling down the corridor, Xander squeezed himself into the alcove, immediately slid shut the wooden screen which had a small glass panel at head level, and sat down upon the provided seat. Taking the phone off the hook and pretending to carry on a conversation into this, the young woman crossed her legs, and she desperately tried to hold it. He would damn well wait until the last possible second, in the faint hope his current form would manage to shift back to his normal gender right away, ‘cause if there was any way to avoid it, he’d really like to keep from having to use the women’s restroom. The sensations coming from her bladder and whatever else was down there wrapped around that lower body organ were already weird enough.

“Please, please, please,” moaned Xander in his newly-acquired higher pitched voice for the next few moments, until two things occurred. A sudden shimmer of white light appeared over Xander’s presently female form, and this illumination vanished a second later, to reveal a nineteen-year-old male sitting in the phone alcove. Not for long, though. In a burst of pure speed, Xander transported himself into the proper restroom for him, hands fumbling with his jeans zipper along the way, as the door swung shut to hide in decent privacy somebody about to experience blessed relief.

Naturally, Xander wasn’t even bothering to think about what else had just transpired in the phone alcove.

Feeling at peace with the entire world a minute or so later (he’d really needed to go, okay?), Xander strolled out of the back corridor into the main room of the bar, only then realizing it was dead quiet, with the entire crowd of other college students standing stock-still in front of Xander. Going on tip-toe to worriedly peer over someone’s shoulder, Xander saw how Buffy was in the center of the room, a clear space around her, as that short blonde woman with a very angry face was effortlessly holding high in the air with just one dainty hand around the throat of a struggling barkeep.

A half-hour later, after the guy who’d been found to have tampered with everybody’s drinks had been taken away in handcuffs by the called cops, Xander was listening to Buffy excitedly chatter as they walked back to her dorm. “It was seriously bizarro, Xan! I was in the middle of the first swallow of my beer, and it changed on my tongue right then and there! My Slayer senses caught the nasty stuff the jerk back there spiked it with, so I didn’t finish it, just going right after the guy!”

“Good for you, Buffster,” congratulated Xander. He added a bit virtuously, “Looks, like I had the right idea of sticking to Coke for tonight, considering I’ve had more than enough experience with booze in my family, anyway.”

Buffy gave her friend a sympathetic glance, but before she could actually express her condolences over Xander being the son of two drunks, this young man went on to say, “Hey, before I forget, I had another one of my weird Legion episodes when I went to see a man about a horse. Didn’t last all that long, luckily.”

Her eyebrows rising in curiosity, Buffy asked, “Why? Which guy did you turn into this time?”

“She wasn’t a guy.”

For a much too sustained period, Xander glowered at where Buffy was leaning against a shop front, howling with laughter after hearing this. Finally getting herself somewhat under control, the Slayer gasped, “So, who was she, anyway?”

With a very stiff face, Xander started to dourly explain, “She’s called-- I don’t believe it!

Blinking at what she’d just been told, Buffy stared at Xander himself looking off in the distance, sheer incredulity written upon his features. Worriedly regarding her friend, Buffy then risked, “Uh, isn’t that a kinda strange name for a comic book character?”

“What? No!” yelped Xander, his attention drawn back to a puzzled Buffy standing next to him. Sighing, the young man tried to again explain, “I was, uh, pretty busy at the time, but thinking it over, I’m sure I used her power just before I returned to my normal body, Buffy. What really made it a perfect Hellmouth moment was the fact it wound up keeping you from drinking that spiked booze!”

“I don’t remember anything happening around me then that looked like comic-book stuff, Xan,” doubtfully commented Buffy. “No ray guns, sound effects, guys in underwear over their clothes.” Shaking her head in a firm negative, Buffy then glanced over where Xander had been a second ago, only to see an empty space there. “Xan?”

Looking around the sidewalk, Buffy found Xander was now in front of another shop and he was slowly beating his forehead against this building wall. Rolling her eyes, Buffy marched forward, and stopping behind her friend, she poked him hard with a stiff index finger against his shoulder. “Listen, mister, you start talking, or else!”

Groaning under his breath as he reluctantly turned around, Xander rubbed at his aching forehead, to then start dolefully muttering, “This has got to be the wonkiest example of Chaos magic on me yet! See, in the DC comics, Ayla Ranzz is the twin sister of Garth Ranzz, and they got the identical powers of controlling lightning, which resulted in them being called Lightning Lad and Lightning Lass--”

Folding her arms across her chest, Buffy grumbled, “Do we really need to go through the entire life story of what’s-her-name, or can’t you knock off the geek references and just get to the point?!”

“You asked, you listen,” snorted Xander, bestowing upon the unimpressed girl a very cold eye. When Buffy huffed in evident exasperation but still otherwise remained silent, Xander took this as permission to continue. “Ayla had her powers change to something else entirely different later on. The new power is the one I used, only in the most totally nutso way that wasn’t anything like she could really do! I’m telling you, it’s all the fault of the damn Hellmouth! That dimensional portal is probably laughing-- YEEP!

Buffy had caused the interruption of Xander’s beginning rant by reaching out with a hand to grab his collar and yank his upper body down to her eye level, as the annoyed Slayer indicated her patience had finally run out by a hissed, “Spit it out, you idiot!”

“The girl I changed into, she had the name of Light Lass, because she could control gravity!” At Buffy’s blank look, Xander hastily clarified further his opening babble. “That is, she made things super-light, like a ton of lead could weigh less than a feather!”

Still holding Xander right in front of her face, Buffy had a mystified expression appear on her beautiful features, as she objected, “But that didn’t happen! I didn’t feel any lighter--”

Nearly nose to nose with Buffy, Xander’s weary sigh sent a puff of air across the Slayer’s skin, as he sadly informed his friend, “Not you, honey. I told you, this is another wacky Hellmouth special. What Ayla did was to turn all of the beer in your glass and in your mouth -- and I bet she did it to every other single drop of the same kind of alcohol in the whole place -- into light beer.”

The End

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