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Lilah’s Life

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Summary: This hell was especially gruesome…in her opinion.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > Comedy > Other BtVS Characters(Current Donor)mmoochFR1511,0020893024 Aug 1124 Aug 11Yes
August 24, 2011 – Lilah’s Life
Summary: **Part of the 2011 LiveJournal’s Twisted Shorts August Fic-A-Day** series. This hell was especially gruesome…in her opinion.

Challenge: for the livejournal 2011 August Fic a Day Challenge. And #6471 on TtH.

Timeline: post- season 1 ‘Five by Five’ for AtS.

Warning: mental swearing

A/N: totally off the wall idea here.

Disclaimer: BtVS and AtS characters belong to Joss Whedon / Mutant Enemy. The game Life belongs to Milton Bradley Company. I claim no rights to any copyrighted material. Please do not copy or take this story without my permission.



Start

There was no point in complaining that life was unfair. Or even worry about the hell she found herself in currently. Unlike that hayseed, McDonald, Lilah Morgan knew exactly what she was doing when she signed her contract with Wolfram & Hart.

Lilah was a ruthless bitch and damn proud of it, thank you very much. If Wolfram & Hart hadn’t recruited her, she would have sought them out when she passed the bar exam. And they generally encouraged her particular brand of ambition.

Except when it came to Angel, apparently.

Holland had explained to her and Lindsey that even if the fist-happy Slayer had been successful in killing Angel, they still would be punished for going after him. The junior lawyer – whatever his name was – had simply been killed outright. As rising stars in the company, she and Lindsey had to suffer. Then maybe they could come back to their jobs someday.

Yeah, it should have upset her more than it did that a vampire who fought evil would be more important to her bosses, but in a weird way, she understood. Didn’t agree, but she did understand what a catch he would be if they could turn him.

Because of all her research, Lilah was able to make an educated guess that the Partners had several hells set up for employees who failed to meet their expectations. And that those hells would match the employees’ worst nightmares. Hayseed’s was probably that he never left the farm.

This was certainly her worst nightmare.



College
Immediately…


She wasn’t vain enough to be happy that she was de-aged to a teenager. When asked if she wanted a job or to attend college, Lilah knew what her answer was. After all, she had the memories of a frickin’ lawyer in her head. College wouldn’t be a problem, right?

Wrong.

The vague memories of the years she spent studying were that she struggled to graduate…with whatever it was she was majoring in. But the memories of that didn’t come until she got her career assignment. That was the first sign this would be a very bad hell.

Lilah Morgan, lawyer extraordinaire for one of the toughest law firms in the world, was a secretary. Not even an administrative assistant. She…was…a…secretary!



Career
4 years later…


When she showed up at her job, Lilah didn’t think it could get worse. It was the pre-sexual revolution era and women were not encouraged to be strong and independent. And the company she worked for was full of chauvinists who kept leering at her.

Lilah tried to snap and swear at them, intimidate them like she did at Wolfram & Hart. All that came out was simpering giggling. She wanted to die!

The final straw came when she was putting some papers on her boss’ desk. Her back was to the door so she didn’t see him come in.

But she sure felt his hand grab her ass when he greeted her with a, “Mornin’, darlin’.”

No…fricking…way! Her boss was Lindsey?!?



Marriage
2 years later…


As if her job wasn’t torture enough, she ‘fell in love’ with one of the other losers at Wolfram & Hart; some guy named Gavin Park.

Of course they had to get married, too.

With his mother constantly belittling her for not being a proper Korean girl every five minutes. And the wedding planner asking her thousands of pointless questions like if she wanted the napkins folded as fans or swans. Who the hell cared?!

But of course she couldn’t swear out loud. All she could do out loud was smile stupidly at Gavin and ask him, “What do you think, dearest?” Like Lilah would ever ask his opinion in real life.



Career change
6 months later…


Despite the daily harangues from Gavin’s mother about having children, the next change in Lilah’s life was switching jobs.

If she believed in God, she’d be thanking him for getting her away from Lindsey, who continued to harass her even though she was married. Gavin didn’t even try to stop him, saying that it was normal for a man to appreciate beautiful things.

Well, she would have thanked that God before she found out her new career: elementary school teacher.

Her boss?

Angel.

And he was twice as grabby and condescending as Lindsey had been. “Hey there, sweetcheeks. You’re too sexy to be a schoolmarm.”



Children
1 ½ years later…


Lilah wasn’t sure if she liked the next stage in her punishment.

On one hand, it got her away from Angel because Gavin said, “Her place was at home, raising the children.”

On the other hand, pregnancy sucked big time and the labor for each of her seven children – each born separately – was done without drugs because natural childbirth was how things were done.

And because the children were born one at a time, with anywhere from 18 to 24 months between them, she was changing diapers for over 14 years! The baby of the family wasn’t potty-trained until he was over 3 years old…something Gavin’s mother harped on every time she visited. Apparently Lilah was a bad mother because her grandson wasn’t trained at a younger age. Gavin learned when he was 18 months.



Start
50 years later…


Just when she thought the nightmare was over as she reached the end of the board…and her life, everything shifted. She was back at the beginning again, 17 and needing to decide if she wanted college or a job.



A/N: It was kinda funny to write this.

Tomorrow’s (hopeful) fic: Lindsey/Harry Potter

Poll A/N: Okay, because of a couple last minute character adds – one of which I couldn’t easily swap out for another – I need your help to decide which should be my day 31 fic. The other days/characters are ones I need to do for one reason or another. The remaining two choices are:

1. Willow/Friends
2. Xander/The Santa Clause

The End

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