Author: Anime Ronin
Summary: A simple mistake made with a photo becomes a genuine pain. Now add in the insanity that is the life of a Scooby. Warning, some adult humor.
Crossovers: Many. Some direct, some only in passing and mentioned. If they need to be pointed out, they will be.
Disclaimer: I own nothing and make no money from this.
AN: This is something that Cyclone_Knight and I have been working on for a while now. It started off as an idea of his, evolved somehow when my muses started kicking out snippets of scenes and the like and he expanded on them, then he told me in no uncertain terms that this WOULD get printed at some point in time. As such, I’ve obliged. Beware, there is Crack! In some of this (nature of the story, sadly), but it’s meant in good fun.
1 / ?
“Um, Xander? We have a problem.”
When sentences started off like that, things were generally not going to be all that great. When days started like that, Xander was sorely tempted to drag his sorry ass back into bed and lock the door.
What made him really want to run away was that it was Kennedy who was saying it. She was a lot of things but timid wasn’t one of them. “What is it, Ken Doll?”
Kennedy sat at the table with him and bounced her fingertips off of the wood for a few seconds while her eyes bored into the varnished grain. Xander didn’t prod. He could tell that she was really, really nervous and she’d bolt if he pushed her.
“My parents think we’re involved.”
“Huh?” Quite obviously he was on the ball.
“Do you remember our trip to the Black Sea? You, me and Willow?”
“Yeah, of course. We had all of those days of fun at Willow’s expense because she forgot to lotion up and turned into Lobster Woman. From there we actually ended up going out to dinner all snazzy like. You were in that sequined red dress with the split nearly up to your hip and I had on that tux that you and Willow made me buy. Oh, and then we went to the nude beach without Willow-“
“I remember, Xander.”
“Then what’s the problem? Just tell your parents that we’re not involved. No big deal.”
Xander paused. Pictures? “What pictures?”
Kennedy pulled out her cell phone and showed him a few pictures. It was their first day at the beach, before Willow had burned herself, and they were acting silly. She was in his lap, her legs wrapped around his waist and her leaning back while he was giving a particularly cheesy ‘strong man’ pose. Next was one of her and Willow cuddling under Willow’s beach umbrella. Next was one of him and Willow in a water pistol fight. Next was one of him and Kennedy ganging up on Willow with their water pistols. He smiled. Good times.
“So, what’s wrong with them?”
“Willow put them into a file and sent them to mom and dad.”
“And she put captions.”
Xander blinked, an inkling of what was wrong starting to crawl up his spine.
Kennedy read off one of the captions under the picture. “Sharing a moment with my best friend.”
She turned the phone around and showed him the picture of her and Willow together. Turning the phone back around, she continued with, “Spending a more intimate moment with my soul mate.”
‘Oh no.’ Xander thought to himself as Kennedy turned the phone back to him. It was the pair of them, dressed up and ready to go to dinner. They were in a classic ‘Tango’ pose, one with her leg wrapped around his lower back while his hand was on her lower back, their noses touching and smiles on their faces.
“Do you see the problem?”
“Is it really a problem? I mean, can’t we just go to them and say this was one big SNAFU and get it all straightened out?”
“Well, we can,” she hedged, “but that would involve the pair of us going to the estate and talking to them. Mom and dad can get… swept up into things.”
“How swept up are we talking?”
“Mom’s already hunting down a wedding planner.”
‘Shit,’ Xander thought with a sigh as he looked at his coffee cup. Bourbon. He needed to spike his coffee with bourbon. “Alright, then let’s do it. I’ve got the weekend off from the command center and you’ve wanted to go home, right? We pack Willow into the overhead compartment or check her as luggage and we’re set.”
Kennedy snorted and tried to hide a smile, shaking her head. “Xander, I appreciate this. Really. I mean, mom and dad are good people and all but they still think me being a lesbian is ‘a phase’.”
“Ten years as a phase? I think they’re setting up shop in Buffy’s river in Egypt.”
“Alright, the Scooby’s river in Egypt,” he allowed. It was true, after all. Each of them had their stake in denial.
“Okay. Pack a little more upscale than what you normally do. I’m sure there will be an impromptu party or something we’re going to be invited to.”
“What’s wrong with what I normally wear?”
“Xander, you were dressed like Allan Quatermain when we met the President.” Kennedy pointed out as she vividly recalled the looks of horror Giles and Buffy had worn when he’d walked into the Oval Office.
“And I seem to recall George liking it and asking me where I got my boots,” he pointed back to her. “I also seem to recall how much fun you had at the expense of the Secret Service Agents when I got patted down and they found those knives I had on me.”
“Hey, I’m the one who tried to remind you to disarm when you walked in, remember?”
Xander pointed at her again, saying, “I did disarm, missy.”
Kennedy swatted at the finger he had erroneously pointed at her face. She hated being pointed at and he knew it. “Semantics.”
“Fine. Nice clothes,” he said a few seconds later with a sigh, giving in. Now where had he put those obnoxiously loud prints that he’d picked up on their trip to Oahu?
(Later, at the tarmac)
“You’re… not coming?”
“Sorry, honey,” Willow told her with a kiss to the cheek, “but something’s come up. I’ve got to go to Chicago first but don’t worry. I’ll be there in time to tell your parents that it was just a little SNAFU on my part, okay? It’ll all get worked out.”
“Can we hold you to that, Wills?” Willow gave Xander a dark look but he backed off of his snarky attitude, holding his hands up, “Hold on, oh ginger one, hold on. I’m just saying that if we don’t all show up at once and hit them with our patented three-way babbling, there might be room for doubt. We do not want doubt. We want to be doubtless.”
“It’s just a few hours, Xander. I’ll get to Chicago before you two even land and I’ll be only an hour or two behind you. What can- mmmph!”
Xander and Kennedy’s hands had slapped over Willow’s mouth, stopping her from jinxing them. Both were _sure_ that they’d gotten it in time…
“What have we said about taunting Murphy, honey? What’s Xander’s rules say? ‘Thou shalt not taunt The Murphy’?”
“And remember that the warning for Pearl Harbor was ‘only’ an hour late, too,” Xander pointed out to Willow before he and Kennedy both pulled their hands away from her mouth. “And I’ll thank you to not lick my palm, missy.”
“She licked your palm?” Kennedy pouted, crossing her arms over her chest. “She never licks my palm.”
Xander kept his mouth shut while Willow blushed. Eventually Willow got herself under control and waved them off, preparing to teleport herself to Chicago, “Don’t worry. I’ll be there before you guys know it and we’ll all get this sorted out. We can even make it a holiday.”
“Just don’t forget the sunscreen, Lobster Woman.”
Willow glared at Xander and he waved cheerfully at her before she shook her head and muttered the incantation, vanishing with a flash of light and a crack.
“I still think she could get the spell to work with her snapping her fingers.”
Kennedy rolled her eyes, shaking her head at his antics. “Dweeb.”
“That’s geek, Kennedy. Get it right. Geekus Rex.”
“No, _that_ is Andrew. You’re… Indiana Xander.”
Xander sighed, shaking his head and grumbling, “Oh, for the love of… that was just one Halloween!”
“Hey, you didn’t have a problem with me showing up as Lara Croft,” she pointed out.
“Considering how you looked in those shorts? I think the only person who minded was Buffy.”
Kennedy smiled at the memory. “I know. Who talked her into going as the princess?”
“Who said anyone _had_ to talk her into going as it? She’s had the whole princess thing since 1997. You know, I’ve told you about it. Lady Useless?”
“I remember it fondly. Buffy has ordered us to never mention it again.”
“Ah, got it. So… do you want to stand here and try to stall for more time or should we get on the plane?”
“Was it that obvious?”
Xander declined to answer that.
Kennedy sighed and nodded, “Alright, let’s go. What about our weapons?”
“They’re in the hold already and we’ve got them marked. No big.”
“Alright. Xander, I want you to be honest with me about this. What are the chances that we’re going to get this straightened out?”
“We’ll get it straightened out, Ken,” he told her, pulling her into a side-armed hug that she returned as they walked towards the plane. “We always get it straightened out in the end.”
“Yeah, we do. How much property damage do you think we’ll have to cause first, though?”
Xander paused for a second before he shrugged, “I don’t know. Your parents _are_ up on their home and life insurance, right?”
AN: A little something that's been kicked around for a while and, by no means, is it meant to be taken too seriously. Reviews would be nice.