Ding, Dong, the Witch is…Chainsawed?
Thank you to Cmiller
, and lanned
for issuing a rec!!!! :D
Willow snuggled closer to Sirius in his four-poster bed, reveling in their post-coital bliss as she ran her hands over his bare chest. A soft cotton sheet hugged their lower halves and cool air brushed across their exposed flesh. She noticed that Sirius’ hair had grown a couple inches in the last two months, a bit past his shoulders, but he was otherwise clean-shaven. In fact, as she nuzzled his jaw line, she could still smell his aftershave; knowing he shaved just for her made Willow smile.
Lazily, her eyes scanned the contents of his room. They had left the party so fast and jumped so quickly into his bed that she hadn’t a chance to take in her surroundings. The room was oddly juvenile, with dark walls and dozens of pictures hanging up. Some of the pictures were moving (wizarding pictures) and others were normal – especially the several centerfolds of nearly naked women. Her brow rose an inch as she looked at that and she gave her lover a perturbed look.
“I can’t say I agree with your decorating skills,” Willow informed him lightly, her finger tapping in annoyance on his chest. Speaking of ‘chest’ she was suddenly very aware of how her chest was not as well endowed as the women’s on the walls.
A bashful expression crossed Sirius’ face. “Yeah…er…You remember how I talked about not getting along with my batshit crazy mother?”
Willow nodded slightly, not wanting to disturb her comfortable position on Sirius’ chest.
“Well she hated muggle things and, well, I loved to piss her off so I hung up muggle posters of muggle girls with a permanent sticking charm.” Sirius winced. “And now I can’t get it off.”
Her lips unraveled from a frown to a slight smile. “Really?” she asked archly, not quite sure about believing him.
“Really,” Sirius chuckled. “I swear Willow, do you really think I would prepare my dank hole of a home for the love of my life, and forget to take down some half-naked chicks from two decades ago?”Love of my life…
. A full smile blossomed over her face, his words watering her ego until it was back to where it had been. “Well, okay then.” She glared at the semi-naked women staring unblinkingly at her. “But by the goddess, I’ll figure out a way to get rid of that damn charm!”
Sirius let out a barking laugh and grasped her around the waist, pulling her close. His nose nestled in her hair and he sighed, his breath warming her skull. “Merlin, I’ve missed you.”
Her eyes stung, but Willow pushed the tears away. She wasn’t one to cry so easily but she was just so happy
right now that she almost couldn’t believe it. “I’ve missed you too,” she said in a choked voice.
Gentle hands grasped her chin and Sirius pulled her face up, to stare into his. “Don’t cry love. We’ve got forever.” Sirius smiled then, and it was a smile full of promises and love.
“Sounds good to me,” Willow whispered, before leaning in for a deep kiss.
The denizens of Willow’s Welcome Home party milled around the Black manor dining room, feasting on a variety of snacks and punch that Molly and Remus had whipped up – they were (unfortunately) the only souls there who were capable of better than adequate cooking and baking. Dawn chattered animatedly to Ginny and Hermione while Tonks displayed her many form-changing talents to the twins, Ron, and Xander; the latter always encouraged the bunny face just because Anya’s reaction was priceless. For that very reason, based on previous experiences this summer, Anya cuddled with Remus far away from Tonks and conversed with Faith, Bill Weasley, and Fleur Delacour (the couple previously unknown to Faith and Willow). The others; Molly, Arthur, Andromeda, and Ted, talked amongst themselves.
A thumping sound above met their ears and each occupant looked up at the ceiling – some with knowing smiles, some beguiled, and others confused.
Ron carried one of those latter expressions. “They sure did leave in a hurry. Think they’re coming back?” he asked in reference to Sirius and Willow.
Fred and George snickered and simultaneously punched him in the arm. “If it weren’t for the red hair, I would swear you weren’t related to us,” Fred sighed dramatically.
“Don’t worry about saving them any punch,” Anya informed the group with an exasperated look. “If I know them, they likely won’t stop having sex until at least tomorrow afternoon.”
Arthur Weasley started choking on his drink and Molly clapped him several times in quick succession on the back. The twins started snickering, as did Ginny, and mostly everyone else looked amused – Remus, being the more proper of the couple, did not smile but he did not roll his eyes either; dating Anya for almost half a year had made him loosen up quite a bit.
“Honestly, Anya!” Molly scolded in an appalled voice. “Between you and Faith, I feel as though I should just charm my children’s ears shut!”
Faith chuckled darkly. “Hey, they’re not little kids, Mol. And with a big war going on a little sex talkety-talk ain’t gonna hurt them.” She shrugged her shoulders for emphasis.
Molly bristled. “Well Faith, when you
have children you can do as you see fit, but—”
“—I am zorry, but I do not zee ze problem here. In France ve are verrry open about our sexuality. It is far better than zome of ze violent games uzzer countries’ children engage in,” Fleur spoke up thoughtfully from her place at Bill’s side.
“Well, Fleur, this is not France,” Molly said heatedly, even as her husband caressed her hand soothingly.
“Molly?” Andromeda asked peacefully as she rose from the dining room table. “Would you mind helping me look for the wine in the kitchen? I know you’ve been cleaning in there and would likely be able to find it sooner than I.”
Molly let out a noise of disgruntlement but proceeded into the kitchen, Andromeda following her.
“Vell, you’re muzzer zeems to get angrily verrry easily, Bill,” Fleur commented in a low voice that none but Bill, Anya, Remus, and Faith could hear. She fingered the hem of his leather vest idly as she spoke.
Bill shrugged, his fang earring dangling as he moved. “Mom’s never been the rational sort but the falling out between my parents and my brother Percy have unnerved her – not to mention Voldemort being back again.”
Fleur shuddered. “I hate ze thought of that snake. I hope ze Order can kill him.”
“Please,” Faith smirked. “Our posse has gone up against worst than some impotent wizard with a bunch of Death munchers running around.”
Fleur giggled, her silvery-blond hair swishing across her face. “Death munchers? Zou must be verrry brave to call zem zuch a thing.”
Brave? Faith shrugged carelessly but her lips twisted into a faint smile. “Nah, just seen a lot in my day.”
Billy eyed her carefully, his green eyes running over her form. “Is what my brother Ron said true? You’re one of the original vampire slayers?”
The collapse of Sunnydale had not even been a blip on the news feed in Britain since they were so worried about their populace being frightened of the Voldemort rumors that they didn’t want to frighten their people of any major threats – and the collapse of a Hellmouth was a large threat. Fortunately, until a couple months ago Bill had been stationed at the Gringotts in Egypt so he was privy to a much different news source.
Biting her lip uncomfortably, Faith shook her head. “Naw, that’d be B, she’s the big time boss of us all, the original.”
“Actually Faith, you are one of the originals – it’s both you and Buffy that the girls are descended from. In fact, it is possibly that it is just you since, as I’ve thought about it, you came from Kendra, the second branch of the slayer line,” Remus suggested.
“Wha—? Nah,” Faith shook her head nervously. “I’m not the special one.”
Fleur grasped Faith’s hand and gave her a thoughtful look. “It zounds to me like you are verry special, Faith.” The place on her wrist where Fleur’s skin made contact with her own became heated, and it wasn’t too long before another part of Faith became heated as well.
“Thanks,” Faith grinned, this time with a great deal more confidence.
Dawn observed the older people in the corner of the room – Remus, Faith, Anya, and that attractive ‘bad-boy’-looking guy and pretty foreign girl. “So, who’s the hottie?” Dawn whispered to Ginny and Hermione.
The day after Willow left with Buffy for their Asia travels, Dawn had moved into Grimmauld Palace with Sirius. Her older uncle-type friend had decided to move into his childhood home since Dumbledore asked for the home to be used as the secret headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. Of course, since Sirius was still considered an outlaw (even though the American Department of Magic had cleared his name this stupid tea-drinking Ministry refused to believe Sirius was innocent) he couldn’t leave.
But Dawn tried to keep him busy. Dumbledore had promised her that if she reached at least the fifth year level of the Hogwarts curriculum – even though at her age she should be a seventh year – then she could attend school this year. Otherwise, she’d be forced by Buffy to attend some normal school somewhere near Kidlington, the current headquarters of the Watchers Council. So Sirius, once again, was her tutor.
Of course, this house sucked and was a disaster from years of being abandoned, so Dumbledore had asked Molly Weasley to help make it suitable for human living. She had brought her entire brood – the twins, Ginny, and Ron – to help her clean pretty much right after Dawn moved in. Not too long after, Hermione came to move in and help as well. Dawn was glad they had all come because Sirius had gotten awfully depressed when Willow left so she liked having some friends around.
Ginny Weasley’s nose crinkled in disgust and she shot Dawn an exasperated look. “Dawn
, that’s my brother, you know.”
“Well, yeah,” Dawn smirked. “But that doesn’t mean he isn’t hot.”
Hermione, always the provider of information even when it was more gossip-focused and less academically inclined, leaned towards Dawn on the bench. “That’s Bill, he’s twenty-four and the oldest of the family. Apparently he’s a little bit rough around the edges. Oh, and he works for Gringotts, the goblin bank, in Egypt.”
“Well, now he works in London, ever since he decided to join the Order and help out here,” Ginny pointed out. She smirked. “Apparently his new girlfriend, Fleur, got a job at Gringotts to eemprove ‘er Eeenglish
and Bill’s been giving her lots of private lessons.” Ginny snickered after performing a mockery of Fleur’s French accent.
“Ow-owww,” Dawn sniggered. “Such a shame. I saw him and thought he actually might be decent for Buffy.”
“Buffy, the sister with the world’s worst taste in men?” Ginny asked with a deadpanned look. The past two months had given the girls a lot of time to talk and Dawn had confided considerably in her new friends, especially about all things Sunnydale.
Dawn laughed. “Look, the big bad evil is over—”
“—But Voldemort is still alive,” Hermione reminded her, negating the mention of the First Evil.
“Right,” Dawn rolled her eyes sarcastically. “Trust me, he’s not high on our Big Bad list. Remember – First Evil and Hell goddess? Yeah, he’s no big. No,” she sighed as she switched topics, “I feel like Buffy deserves something nice for once, ya know? I mean, she can kinda retire now, especially with Faith who – according to Xander – is doing pretty well as the lead slayer at the Slayer Academy with Giles while Buffy travels. And while she and Spike had fun together when the three of us traveled right after the Hellmouth collapsed, I feel like she deserves someone more normal.”
“Well, I think Bill’s taken,” Hermione pointed out as the wizard in question wrapped his arm around Fleur.
, maybe he’s into threesomes,” Dawn joked with a sly smile.
“Oh god, no
!” Ginny said with a laugh that was half-disgust, half-hysterical. “My mom would drop dead from shock!”
“Mum would drop dead in shock from what?” a voice interrupted their conversation. Dawn looked up to realize the twins were standing on each side of her, their heads almost parallel with her own.
“Jeez! What is up with you guys and sneaking up everywhere?” Dawn cried out in exasperation as she pressed her palm over her heart.
Fred, to her right, smiled and shrugged before forcing Ginny to scoot over so he could squeeze in between her and Dawn. Likewise, George forced Hermione to move so he could sit on Dawn’s left. “It’s fun!” Fred chuckled.
“Now what were you saying about our dear ol’ mother?” George inquired, leaning over the table and raising a brow in Ginny’s direction.
“None of your business,” Ginny responded with a saccharine smile. “In case you didn’t notice, this is a private witches-only conversation.”
George smirked and threw his arm around Dawn’s shoulders, ignoring the indignant look that his twin shot him. “It’s a party
, lil sis. We’re here to all hang out.”
Dawn, taken aback from George suddenly touching her, felt flustered. The twins were the same age as her and she got along with them really well, but they flirted with and teased her so often that she really didn’t know what to think when it came to them. She knew their type – confident, loud, slighty-obnoxious but in an adorable way, and well-liked by everyone; they were like the cool jocks at school. And if there was one thing Dawn had never been, it was cool. She just didn’t feel like she fit in with them, but then when they did touchy-feely things like this
…well, there was a little part of her that got excited, like maybe they did like her.
Although…George was nice and all…but Dawn would really prefer Fred to have his arm around her right now. The twins were identical in looks and so similar in personality that it seemed at first that they actually were the same person, but Dawn had begun to notice the differences. George was spent more time contemplating decisions while Fred was more rash. Fred was insane with how extroverted he was, while George was slightly more mellow. But then again, just when she thought she had them pinned they switched ‘roles’ and acted more like the other – it could be confusing, trying to figure them out.
Ultimately, both of the twins were hilarious and fun to hang around, but Fred’s energy drew her in like a flock of vampires to a Hellmouth.
“And you know what?” George added with a sly smile. “The best way to party is to dance!” He stood up and held out his hand to Hermione. “My dear madam Gryffindor, care to dance?”
“Uh.” Hermione’s jaw dropped in surprise. “I don’t…well…” She looked from Ginny to Dawn and shrugged. “Alright then.” She offered her hand to George and he led her out of the dining room and into the living room – leaving Dawn, Fred, and Ginny to stare at each other.
Fred covered up his shocked look with a bright smile. “Dawn? Wanna dance?” His red hair hung slightly his eyes, which were a warm amber color; a shade lighter than George’s.
Dawn’s teeth bit gently into her lower lip as she tried to fight a huge grin. “Sure,” she agreed nonchalantly – even while she screamed happily inside her mind as Fred led her into the living room.
Ron, who had been watching Tonks turn her ears pointy like a goblin, looked up as he saw the twins, Hermione, Dawn, and Ginny head for the living room. “Hey, what’re they up to?”
“Probably no good,” Tonks smirked.
Without a word Ron got up to go investigate, not wanting to be left out of whatever his friends and family were doing. Xander pulled Tonks against his chest, enjoying the feeling of her soft body molding against his own. They were sitting at the other end of the dining room table, their backs to the table with their feet outstretched across the dark tiles embossed Black family crest.
Xander and Tonks were enjoying the peaceful moment – with Tonks working overtime at the Ministry and Xander working day and night to help make the Slayer Academy succeed, they rarely saw each other. Unfortunately, the moment was broken by a loud bloodcurdling scream.
As Willow lay on her stomach, Sirius amused himself by tracing idle patterns on her back with his fingers. She turned her head towards him and he loved the way she smiled; it worked onto her face slowly when she was languid like this, but once it was on, it was brilliant, radiating light into his very soul.
Sirius smirked and mentally rolled his eyes at himself. Merlin, if Prongs could hear him now. Back when James was obsessed with Lily he used to speak all flowery and dramatic just like that, and of course he, Moony, and Wormtail used to laugh riotously at their lovesick friend.
Something twisted in his gut at thinking of Peter. Memories were difficult for him because his life before Azkaban had contained so many happy moments that were now stained for him, like how tea residue creates a dark ring inside a cup. James and Lily were dead and Peter was to blame. And not only had Peter sold his best friends out but he had also attacked Sirius’ godson with a knife and used his blood to bring back Voldemort.
,’ he thought viciously as a dozen mental images of what he would like that traitor’s fate to be. James, Lily, Harry…Peter deserved to be killed horribly.
On top of those crimes, he was still working for Voldemort and likely informed him of Sirius’s animagus status. Dumbledore said that it wasn’t safe for Sirius to leave the house as a human – thanks to the Ministry – or as a dog, thanks to Peter; Voldemort would know his hidden form.
Which meant he had been stuck in this fucking house for two months, unable to leave or do anything
to help Harry and the Order. Sure, he had been helpful tutoring Dawn but that was boring
. He wanted action. He needed
“Sirius?” Willow’s voice was thoughtful, perhaps even worried. He tore himself from his thoughts and gave her a gentle smile.
She reached over to stroke his cheek, her green eyes alight with concern. “You…you looked like you were somewhere far away for a moment, somewhere bad. Are you okay?”
Sirius loved Willow more than life itself. He never wanted her to be worried and he never wanted to lie to her.
“Yes,” Sirius told her softly, pulling her closer to him.
But sometimes you lie to those you loved.
They lay there for sometime in silence until a bloodcurdling scream reached their ears. Willow pulled away, shocked, and stared wide-eyed at the door. “What is that?”
Sirius grimaced. “That would be my mother.”
Turning to him slowly, Willow gave him an incredulous look. “Your….dead mother?”
He sighed. Pushing the covers off he slid off the bed. If he could just wipe his past clean – family and all – he would be a happy man. “Let me show you,” Sirius said with a deep frown.
Willow followed Sirius down the stairs, her wide eyes now taking in the space that she had passed by too quickly less than two hours ago. As her pink slippered feet (not
bunnies, out of respect for Anya) padded down the rickety staircase, she noticed something like plaques on the wall leading down the staircase. Except, there was something on them…as she got closer her mind computed the sight before her and Willow let out a little shriek.
Sirius whirled around to check on her, his hands protectively going around her waist. “What is it, luv?”
She struggled to find the words, unable to avert her eyes from the grotesque sight. “Sirius…there are shrunken mutant heads on your wall,” she answered slowly, her voice filled with disbelief.
Sirius glanced at the wall and his eyes widened before he grimaced. His shoulders stooped down, minimizing his presence, and he appeared embarrassed. “Er, they’re not mutant heads…they’re house elves.”
“H-h-house elves?” Willow repeated. “As in, those little guys who are slaves for wizards?”
His posture turned defensive as Sirius’ head cocked back and he held his hands up as if to ward against her argument. “Hey now, house elves like
doing household tasks. Please don’t tell me you agree with Hermione and her whole ‘SPEW’ nonsense – she’s been jabbering on about that since she got here.”
Willow had no idea what ‘SPEW’ was but thought it sounded gross. As for what Sirius said… “Wait, you mean you’re for having elf slaves?” she asked slowly, cautiously.
“Uh…” Sirius looked around wildly and gestured towards the wall of dead house elf heads. “Listen, I think it’s fine to have house elves but I would never put their heads
on my bloody wall. That’s the family madness right there, hung up with Permanent Sticking Charms that I can’t get off.”
Appalled, Willow just shook her head. Her nerves were grating from the combination of the shrill screaming and Sirius’ apparent lack of concern for other living beings. “Okay, okay,” she murmured as she waved away his explanation. “Just show me your crazy mother.”
Pursing his lips, Sirius nodded and led her downstairs to the living room, where the rest of the party had gathered. Andromeda and her husband Ted, a wiry man with sandy blond hair and brown eyeglasses, were yanking thick moth-eaten black curtains over what looked like a portrait. Willow realized now that Tonks had disturbed the portrait earlier but she had been so caught up with Sirius that Willow had not even paid attention to the disturbance.
“Whoa-ho-hooo, look who’s up and at ‘em!” Faith called with a wicked smile playing along her lips. She leaned against the arm of a dark blue couch, her red tank top rolling up slightly to expose her lean stomach.
Willow blushed. She really hated attention being called to her sexy fun times. Yes, she was an adult but she still found it embarrassing.
“Who woke up my mother?” Sirius growled, looking annoyed. However, Willow noted that his voice wasn’t very loud – nor was anyone else’s.
Dawn raised her hand with a guilty expression on her face. “Sorry,” she winced. “We were dancing and I kind of tripped and fell. Then Mama Black’s curtains flew back and she went all psycho again and yelling at us for besmirching her house.”
“Oh no, it was my fault,” Fred amended quickly with a shake of his head. “I should have watched where I spun you.” He ran a hand through his long locks as he studied Dawn’s reaction with an equally guilty look.
Arms crossing over her chest, Dawn shook her head. “No, it’s cool,” she promised in an embarrassed tone. “I’m like, super clutzy.”
“This is getting ridiculous,” Sirius sighed irritably. He gestured towards the aged curtains. “My mother hung up a portrait of herself with a Permanent Sticking Charm so I can’t get it down.”
“Oh.” Then the pieces fit together in her head. “Oh! So she’s a wizarding portrait and that’s why she screams?”
“Screams, belittles, scolds, you name it,” Xander commented with a roll of his eyes. “That woman makes my
dad look nice.”
“Oh,” Willow said again as her best friend’s words sunk in. She knew just what Xander’s dad was like - poor
“Maybe we could cover her up with curtains that permanently stick?” Hermione ventured. “Would that work?”
“Possibly,” Sirius mused. “We need to do something because if it doesn’t stop I’m liable to rip it down with my bare hands.”
The conversation paused and then Xander pumped his fist into the air. “That’s it!” he shouted.
Immediately the black curtains flew apart to reveal a sickly older woman screaming loudly, her mouth a wide ‘O’ of anger.
“Bloody hell, Xander!” Sirius swore as he directed a fierce look towards the carpenter.
Everyone else began to grumble but Xander shook his head, his face brightened with a smile. “I’ll be right back!” he called as he ran out the door.
Gritting his teeth, Sirius moved towards the portrait; Willow his silent shadow. As soon as the woman in the portrait saw him, her eyebrows furrowed even further.“YOUUUUUUU! MUGGLE LOVING SCUM, BESMIRCHING THE HOUSE OF MY ANCESTORS WITH YOUR COMMON GARBAGE! I REGRET THE DAY I EVER BORE YOU, CHILD!”
Willow noticed how Sirius’ face tightened painfully as he placed his hands on the curtains, struggling to pull them closed. “Hey!” she shouted, angry that this dead woman could have such a damaging effect on her boyfriend.
The woman paused to turn towards Willow. “HOW DARE YOU ADDRESS ME, MUGGLE! WHO ARE YOU TO SPEAK TO ME IN SUCH A TONE?”
Perhaps it was just Willow’s imagination, but she reckoned that one strand of her hair turned black as night. “I’m the one sleeping with your son, you bitch! And stop your yelling just because your house actually has nice
people living in it rather than jerks like you!” she shouted hotly. “And you’re lucky that you had Sirius as a son!”"FILTHY WENCH! TRESSPASSER! WHORE OF BABELYON, LEAVE MY HOUSE!"
Permanent sticking charm, huh? Well, Willow would see how permanent that was…
A sudden roar ripped through the air. Startled, Willow looked back to see Xander holding a chainsaw, one of the many tools in his truck, and that an extension cord peeked out past the front door and outside. There was a great deal of screaming, for the wizarding folks were not used to the instrument of death and construction (depending on the wielder); strangely Arthur Weasley looked fascinated.
“Sirius!” Xander shouted above Mrs. Black’s screaming and the chainsaw. “Mind if I use some of my ‘muggle’ moves?”
A smile broke out on Sirius’ face. “By all means,” Sirius said with a sweeping of his arm.
Grinning, Xander walked towards the painting, his chainsaw spinning and screaming. “WHAT IS THIS FOUL CREATION? WHAT MUGGLE GARBAGE DARE YOU BRING INTO MY HOME, YOU FILTHY DIRTY-BLOODED ANIMAL? I SHOULD—”
Xander’s chainsaw tore into the top corner of the painting and Mrs. Black looked up in fright, her words dead in her mouth.
“Now I’m no art critic, but I know what I like – and I don’t
like you!” Xander called out cheerfully as he ripped into the canvas. Mrs. Black began screaming as she ran into the farthest corner of the portrait, but eventually Xander’s chainsaw found her there as well. Her scream was cut short and within minutes the magical portrait had been slashed into strips and fell onto the floor.
Xander shut off the chainsaw only to be overwhelmed by loud applause. He grinned, his stance a’la Superman’s famous pose. “Should I go after the creepy elf heads next?”
Aaaaaand we’re back again! I’m trying for weekly or biweekly updates, depending on the Muse :) So be sure to feed the Muse! ;)
Thanks for reading, everyone :) It’s most definitely appreciated!References:
*Harry Potter timeline: http://www.hp-lexicon.org/timelines/timeline.php?startyear=1995&endyear=
*The difference between the Weasley twins: http://www.sugarquill.net/index.php?action=gringotts&st=fg