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Pains of Christmas (SS for Lady Chipmunk)

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Summary: Christmas is a wondeful time of year, especially when it is over.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Anita Blake > Willow-Centered > Pairing: RichardCandleFR1512,346021,51722 Dec 0322 Dec 03Yes
Title: Pains of Christmas (Secret Santa for Lady Chipmunk)

Author: Candle


Category: Buffy/Anita Blake

Pairing: Willow/Richard

Disclaimer: I do not own the character of the Anita Blake verse or Buffydom. They are owned by God...otherwise known as Joss Whedon, and the wonderful Goddess Laurell K. Hamilton.

Distribution: Gotta ask me first.

Rating: Pg-13, for language

Spoilers: Buffy series finale, and Narcissus in Chains for Anita Blake.

Summary: Christmas is a wonderful time of the year, especially once it's over.

Notes: Blame the list mum for being so great that I felt obliged to help her with all those people whose flaky secret Santa's didn't write for them. Hope Lady Chipmunk enjoys. It's a bit more comedy and romance than anything else.

"It's sooooo not funny."

"Yeah, yeah it is."

"I am not lost. I am a werewolf. We have a keen sense of smell, and a fantastic sense of direction. We are not lost."

"Hey, didn't we pass that yellow barn fifteen minutes ago?"

Willow laughed as the only answer from her husband in the driver's seat was a low growl.

"We are not lost." He repeated. In the last hour it had become his own personal mantra, and now his teeth were clenched so tight she worried about him cracking one. It could be fixed with his next shift, but it wasn't a pleasant thing to go through. She had broken enough teeth during her time at the Hellmouth to know.

"Honey, I'm sure we'll find the place, and once we're there, we'll find the perfect tree." Willow smiled at her husband while all the while sending the most pleasant vibes into the car as possible without making him angry with her for using her magic to "play with his emotions". But obviously the happy vibes weren't working, or else Richard wouldn't still be growling. "You do know that I could of used my magic to find us a tree, and magically transport it back to the house. No more traveling in the dark, no needing to search for parking, just us and our gorgeous tree."

"No, we are going to have a traditional Christmas. We're going to find our own Christmas tree, we're going to decorate it ourselves, we're going to throw a great party, I'm going to make a great impression on your friends and everything is going to be great."

"Whatever you say honey." Willow knew how much this meant to Richard. He didn't get to do a lot of things like normal people, but she also knew that searching for a perfect holiday would get them nowhere but frustrated and upset. She would much rather just ride the roller coaster that was this particular holiday season. This was their first holiday as a married couple, and for the first time in a few years her friends would be visiting her, instead of the other way around. It was their first time meeting Richard in person, and she was a little nervous. She could tell that Richard was nervous as well, about making a good impression, just as she had been with his pack. But his nerves were going to give them both a heart attack at this point. Well, at least the First wouldn't show up to cause trouble this Christmas. Now, all she had to do was keep Richard from ruining his "traditional" Christmas and all would be well. Willow smiled at the sight outside her window. Werewolf senses her Wiccan butt. "Yellow Barn."

"Fine, do you wanna ask for directions or shall I?"


"God damn mother fucking sons of bitches!!!!"

Willow sighed into the phone as another round of curse words sounded from the living room. She rolled her eyes as she placed another few cookies in front of Jason and Jamil to be iced.

"Was that Richard?" Anita's sounded more than half amused.

"You could hear that?"

The petite Executioner snorted. "Half of St. Louis could hear that. He never talked like that when he was with me."

"Yeah, well, he was also incredibly unhappy, and refused to accept his beast when he was with you."

"Touché, but what may I ask has drove him to such foul language?"

Willow rolled her eyes at Jason who was decorating the snowman with anatomically correct parts. "Oh, he's decided that he can put up the lights all by himself. Jamil and Jason tried helping him but gave up after the first hundred times he yelled at them for 'tangling' the lights." Willow smiled as her husbands Asian bodyguard entered the room shaking his head. He seated himself at the kitchen table between the J boys. "And Shang Da just gave up after the thousandth." She placed another cookie in front of him. He shrugged his shoulders and began work. At least this lupa baked, even is she did have a strange relationship with Richard's last human lupa.

"Really, he even scared away the body guards? I don't know if I should come to this party now or not."

Willow winced as a roar came from the other room. The three men at her table began playing rock scissors paper. She could only assume they were fighting over who would check on their Ulfric. "You should definitely come. I promise king of the scrooges will be in a better mood." Jason scrambled back into the room as the noise of shattering glass filled the house. "I got to go. See you Wednesday."

"Where the hell are all the extension cords?!!!!"


"I hate you, soooo much."

"No you don't."

"Ya huh, I do." Willow pouted as she pressed her forehead against the porcelain in front of her.

"Getting me drunk is not the only way to get me to calm down." Richard placed a cold rag against the back of her neck. She shivered as a small drop of cold water slid down the back of her neck.

"I wasn't calming you down, all that yelling and breaking you were doing was frazzling my nerves. I was calming me down" Richard arched an eyebrow, as his wife waved her hands about her head. "Connected to all of the Earth and all. Breaking things tends to add tension."

Richard laughed at his hung over wife. "You did not have to drink as much as I did, and you were the one shoving that awful concoction into my face, not the other way around. Not my fault your metabolism can't keep up with a drinking were's."

"Why didn't Jamil or Shang Da stop me, or help me?"

"Cause your cute when your drunk on eggnog?"

"Oh, bite me."


"Ya know, this was a good idea."


Willow curled closer into her husband's arms while she watched the small fire cast flickering lights across the twilight woods. "Burning all the holiday cards. It's like recycling, only more pleasing to the subconscious."

Richard smiled down at his wife. "So we're sending e-cards next year?"

"And let our friend's miss out of having their own bonfire, no way mister."

Richard sighed. "I was worried you might say that." The couple sat in silence for almost an hour, just enjoying each other's company and the company of the night. It was amazing. In Willow's time away from the now nonexistent Sunnydale, she'd relearned how to enjoy the night.

"Hey, do you think we can burn the next five months of Christmas bills this way?"

"The way you shop, it just might cause a forest fire." Willow stuck out her tongue. He should be glad she didn't take up Buffy's offer of help in shopping for the pard. He would never have seen any of his platinum cards again.

He smirked at her childish tongue antics. "Don't make promises you can't keep little girl." His eyes turned dark with desire, that were mirrored in her own.

Laughing huskily she pushed him onto the ground. "Oh, this is one promise I know I can keep." Willow jumped on top of her husband only to be pushed off again. "What?!"

"Fire, pant leg, auuugh!!!!"

"Ummm, ooops." Willow cringed as Richard began to hop around the fire trying to put his pant leg out. Well, romantic moments weren't helping his mood. Maybe she better wait till after the part to cheer him up. Or at least wait till he was away from fire. "Stop, drop and roll honey! Stop, drop, and roll!!"


Richard sighed and straightened is tie for the millionth time. He had faced crazy werewolves, crazy vampires, the millions of Salvation Army Santa's with their little bells, and Anita with PMS and nothing in the house but decaf coffee. He could so do this, it was just one little party after all. It wasn't like he didn't know everyone there.

"Buffy!!!" Oh, well, everyone but Willow's bestest friends from Sunnydale. The Slayer and her friends had received special permission from Jean Claude to visit this Christmas. And now they were here. His new wife's adopted family. He was a big strong werewolf, he was a big strong werewolf. But what if they didn't like him?

"You must be Richard." Richard gave a nervous smile to the perky blonde in front of him. His body was screaming for him to runaway from the Slayer but he barely managed to stay in place. He was amazed when he was able to stick his hand out in greeting.

"Yes, it's nice to finally meet Willow's 'bestest buds'."

"I know, took us long enough to visit right?" Richard relaxed at the easy laughter from Buffy, he even managed to laugh along with her. "Well, just to let you know, if you hurt her, I'll beat you to death with a shovel." Buffy reached up and gave a quick kiss to his cheek. "K?" The whole meeting lasted less than five minutes, but Richard was already scared to death of the Slayer.

He could only nod and smile. But the shriek from the background made him even more nervous. "Xander!!!" More in-laws.


"Well, that wasn't so bad." Willow plopped into the couch and let her head fall back onto Richard's arm.

"Wasn't so bad?" He snorted. "Let's see, Xander and Vi's kids, at least one of them threw up, and the oldest one kept asking me if I 'was really a big doggie'? One of the pack children burst into tears and threw his toy at me when he realized that we hadn't supplied batteries with his Supermega-whatsit. Jamil and Shang Da insisted on watching "White Christmas" no matter how many times I begged them to change it. Paris was so drunk that she kept singing kinky lyrics to all of her favorite Christmas carols. I hate this holiday!" He let his head fall onto the back of the couch, and closed his eyes in exhaustion.

"Feel better now?"

Richard nodded without opening his eyes. "All I wanted was a nice and normal holiday. So much of our lives is determined by pack and slaying, and the supernatural. I wanted one normal traditional holiday."

Willow smiled at her tired husband. He had been so busy trying to do everything by the book, that he hadn't stopped to enjoy anything, "Well, I can think of one tradition that I don't think we can screw up."

Richard cracked one eye opened and he gave his first real smile of the holiday, at the sight of his wife bending over him with a small decoration in her hand. "Good idea, my lupa." He pulled her across the couch and into his lap. Their kiss was tender and passionate and started something that lasted long into Christmas day. They kept the mistletoe close long past new years.

"After all, after the horror of this Christmas, what can go wrong next year?"

"You haaaaaaaad to say it."


The song that sparked the idea. "The Twelve Pains of Christmas"

The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

Is finding a Christmas tree

The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:

Angry husband:

Rigging up the lights

And finding a Christmas tree

The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

Man getting over being drunk:


Rigging up the lights

And finding a Christmas tree

The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

Exhausted man:

Sending Christmas cards


Rigging up the lights

And finding a Christmas tree

The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

Five months of bills!

Sending Christmas cards


Rigging up the lights

And finding a Christmas tree

The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:

Nervous wife:

Facing my in-laws

Five months of bills!

Oh, I hate those Christmas cards!


Rigging up these lights!

And finding a Christmas tree

The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:

Nervous wife's husband:

The Salvation Army

Facing my in-laws

Five months of bills!

Sending Christmas cards

Oh, geez!

I'm tryin' to rig up these lights!

And finding a Christmas tree

The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me:

Whining kid:



And whataya mean "YOUR in-laws"?!?

Five months of bills!

Oh, making out these cards

Honey, get me a beer, huh?

What, we have no extension cords?!?

And finding a Christmas tree

The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

A tired father:

Finding parking spaces



Facing my in-laws

Five months of bills!

Writing out those Christmas cards


Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!?

And finding a Christmas tree

The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:

A mother:

"Batteries Not Included"

No parking spaces


Get a job, ya bum!

Oh, facing my in-laws!

Five months of bills!

Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards

Oh, geez, look at this!

One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!

And finding a Christmas tree

The eleventh thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:

A male couch potato:

Stale TV specials

"Batteries Not Included"

No parking spaces



She's a witch...I hate her!

Five months of bills!

Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!

Oh, who's got the toilet paper, huh?

Get a flashlight...I blew a fuse!!

And finding a Christmas tree

The twelfth thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:

Two men:

Singing Christmas carols

Stale TV specials

"Batteries Not Included"

No parking?!?



Gotta make 'em dinner!

Five months of bills!

I'm not sendin' them this year, that's it!

Shut up, you!


And finding a Christmas tree

The End

You have reached the end of "Pains of Christmas (SS for Lady Chipmunk)". This story is complete.

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