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The very private diaries

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Summary: Excerpts from the diaries of various members of the IWSC and members of other supernaturally inclined communities. First up-Chao Ahn!

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > ComedyShulikFR1511,8960470624 Oct 1124 Oct 11No
Disclaimer: Kuzui Enterprises own the rights to BtVS.

Author's note: Just a fun little meme that I stumbled upon, on the internet. I thought to myself, "Ooh, clearly you're struggling with writer's block on your heavier stories and have almost stumbled onto madwoman territory with the crazy diagrams and maps- perhaps it's time you relax a little bit, and do something fun. Here, write some more."

Clearly, my idea of fun needs more work.

Mentions of slash and femslash relationships offscreen. Also, talk of Andrew's penis. Nothing explicit here folks, but still- it's there.


The very private diaries of Chao-Ahn Tsu. Slayer.

(Translated from the original Cantonese.)

December 1, 2004

Both me and Kennedy had to come back to Headquarters for the yearly roundup as House Leads. She’s the only one I have kept in touch with from the Sunnydale girls, funnily enough considering that we barely spoke a word to each other while living in the Summers home.

I have not told anyone about my extra English lessons, I fear they’d try and talk to me. The last time this happened, Mr.Giles almost poisoned me and Rona almost roped me into going along with their whole revolt back in the States.

The only one that knows is Kennedy and that is only because she walked in on me singing Baby got Back in the bathroom a year ago. That is now my ringtone on her cellphone. Highly inappropriate.

December 3, 2004

It seems that Buffy’s younger sister Dawn has started dating Xander Harris. Strangely disconcerting news, especially considering that he had helped raise her and had lusted after her older sister for a long time, but what do I know- the last time I had seen a naked man, it was Andrew who had wandered into my room after a drunken shower.

He screamed like a little girl seeing a ghost and ran so fast that the towel slipped anyway and I caught a glimpse of the 'goods' as Kennedy calls it. I had to drink almost two litres of the elf moonshine to wash the memories away.

Kennedy laughed and laughed. I let her, since it was her moonshine I was drinking.

December 5, 2004

Killed three demons, staked five vampires, exorcised two ghosts.

Buffy has decided that the Sunnydale Slayers, as she likes to call us, will be taking some of the newly called squads for demonstration patrols. I think she is just shirking her responsibilities ever since she has discovered that Spike’s alive. The only time I have seen her come up from the lower levels of the castle, it was during the Welcome Dinner and she had disappeared within half an hour of making an appearance.

I suppose everyone deserves someone and she has sacrificed enough to be able to take a sex-holiday if she so wishes.

December 10, 2004

Killed five demons- including one that I had to kill twice since a simple decapitation apparently does not work on Mushalka demons. Had to burn the corpse too and do a ceremonial dance to ensure that it will not rise again.

Suspect the ceremonial dance part was unnecessary but Andrew’s way of, as the Americans say, fucking with me since I told Kennedy about his little incident and she has taken to following him around and periodically leaping out of shadowed places, just so she can hear him shriek again and again.

That boy never learns.

December 11, 2004

Staked two vampires.

December 12, 2004

Staked three vampires, exorcised a ghost and helped relocate a family of gremlins to a magic school located on the Scottish moors. Headmistress of said school looked strangely approving of my battle axes and sword. Name sounded faintly Greek, had a long wooden stick in her hands- thinner than a stake- felt more powerful though. Must go back and explore when I have more time. Saw an interested looking redhead, seemed intrigued by the fact that I could climb a tree with some pretty violent tendencies.

Tree did not compare to the roller coaster that Dawn took me to in Texas. Will never forgive her for ruining my favorite silk camisole.

December 15, 2004

Did not realize that would have to exchange presents with the Sunnydale people. Brought nothing except my lucky stake and my special bottle of holy water, along with my duffle bag of clothes.

Had to ask Kennedy to go into town since she’s the only one that has a driving license and isn’t likely to drive me off the road. Kennedy bitched the whole way. I think she’s still bitter about Tara coming back and Willow dumping her faster than you could say- Ctulthu’s reincarnated babies’, but I reminded her that she is young, single, good looking and easy to get along with (once you have some alcohol in you.)

Kennedy tried to kiss me but I told her I don’t swing that way. Pointed out that Satsu does, who must be feeling lonely since Buffy’s ill-conceived foray into bisexuality.

Kennedy looked a lot more cheery. Did not complain once as I made her try out leather pants since she and Faith are around the same size.

December 17, 2004

Went on patrol with Faith and a squad of newbies. Spent the entire time looking ‘stoic and Asian’ as Faith put it, while she threatened the new girls with bodily harm if even one of them stepped out of line.

Felt oddly nostalgic for the Sunnydale days.

Came across a vampire nest, me and Faith dived in while the minis worked out their formation tactics outside. Had to call it in to headquarters, since the job required two seasoned slayers and someone needed to keep an eye on the younger girls- there is now apparently a remote monitoring network activated by Willow’s magic. A witch can always monitor your activities, even from the castle.

Very disturbingly ‘big brother’: Dawn had a thing for reality television while she was rooming with me.

Weird moment once we finished off the last of the vamps: Faith had turned to me for a high five and had said, (I’m not sure if I’m phrasing this correctly), ‘Excellent synchronized slayage.’ The look on her face reminded me very much of Kennedy in the car and I took a hasty step back, giving myself the blankest gaze I possibly could and shrugging like I didn’t understand her.

Seems like both of the original slayers are at the very least bi-curious. I wonder if anything ever happened between the two of them?

Total kill count for the night: 15 vampires.

December 21, 2004

Odd and fairly thought provoking day. Was walking down the hallway after a workout session in the gym. Had kicked Molly’s ass much to Kennedy’s amusement and glee. She’s in a much better mood now that her and Satsu have started their, what Kennedy likes to call, ‘thing’ and was thus pretty startled when I heard someone crying across the hall.

It was Caridad, from Sunnydale. She’s now a House Lead with Andrew in Italy. I had never become friends with her though, despite that pesky going into the mouth of hell thing. I didn’t know enough English to stop Mr.Giles from offering me ice cream whenever he thought I looked upset, and she was riding high on not getting killed. Also, she and Rona were pretty close and I had never liked her. Even despite everything.

Was trying to be supportive when Caridad kissed me. Happened so fast that didn’t have a chance to properly react to situation but finally, after much staring and muttering, managed to convince her that I wasn’t gay.

Feeling worried about the sudden onslaught of lesbianism in headquarters. Perhaps we should be recruiting from the magic school, since they seem to have young men there. Maybe even that cute redhead. We, clearly need more males in the school. Maybe girls turning to each other since there is no other alternative?

Will suggest the idea to Faith. She’s been worryingly silent though much more violent than usual, stalking the hallways and terrorizing every mini that looks at her twice with a set of drills hard enough to make a vampire weep with exhaustion.

December 22, 2004

Staked one vampire while on the way to town. Was walking with Kit and Dawn, both of them discussing magical theories when Kit stopped- pointing out that if we looked at it from a certain angle, there was a village nestled where we only thought there to be a forest.

Strange and exciting occurrence. Dawn said that she’d come back with Willow to find out if it was benign in nature, this village and whether we should try and make contact or leave it be.

December 23, 2004

Cordelia had made something called eggnog. Seemed highly proud of herself, despite Xander’s comments that it was the only thing she could make well.

“Those of us dating our ex-babysitting charges should probably be quiet,” she told him.

I like Cordelia. She’s feisty.

I couldn’t drink the eggnog since it was some unholy mixture of milk and alcohol but it was fun watching the rest of us get drunk.

Who knew Giles could bend that low while doing the limbo? I’m betting his ex-boyfriend, the one that Buffy freed from Twilight will be real happy to know that he’s still got it.

December 24, 2004

Kennedy, the evil bitch, had slipped me some elf moonshine when I wasn’t looking.

Couldn’t get out of bed until night patrol due to hangover.

Total kill count: 8 vampires, one demon and one water sprite that was possessed by an incorporeal demon.

I hate having to slay with a hangover.

December 25, 2004

Everyone exchanged presents in the morning. Main Hall of castle chaotic like the last days of the world, what with slayers rushing about, witches floating up in the air and various couples enthusiastically sucking face in various corners.

I’m not bitter, I’m not, but I think it’s about time that I got someone for myself- apparently things have gotten so bad that various lesbians and bisexual females have started throwing themselves at me.

Maybe it’s my hair?

Presents Received this year:

A leather-bound notebook from Mister Giles. ‘Better to record your thoughts in, my dear,’ he said in English, looking shiftily in Kennedy’s direction.

A lace teddy and a new katana from the bitch herself.

A new, jade handled dagger from Buffy. She managed to stop stroking Spike’s blindingly bright hair long enough to tell us that she was giving all the House Leads their individual presents, a new tradition. Having regular sex is clearly good for her moodiness.

An aluminum crossbow from Faith.

A scarf from Cordelia.

A t-shirt from Andrew and a narrowed eyed reminder to knock next time. To which I replied that it was him that walked into my room and I haven’t been able to have sex since I saw his penis, flapping around wildly when he almost dropped his towel.
He looked quite huffy at that.

A gift certificate from Spike to a weapons store.

A book of poetry from Angel who didn’t come this year but instead, decided to stay behind in LA with Nina.

Conclusion: A really good haul.

Little later: Dawn just came into my room saying that she talked to Willow about the hidden village. Remember that magic school? They have a whole village hidden a couple miles away from the castle. Tomorrow- Dawn, Willow and Kit are going up to the school to discuss the possibility of slayers learning about their type of magic.

And guess what? They need a slayer squad to go with them just in case.

Guess who was the first volunteer?

I wonder if that cute redhead will be there. I wonder if he’s single.

Maybe I’ll get a chance to wear Kennedy’s present before the year’s over. Here’s hoping!

The End?

You have reached the end of "The very private diaries" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 24 Oct 11.

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