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A Barbarian's Conquests

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Summary: Xander loses a bet and has to dress up in Willow or Buffy's choice of costume.This time Xander dressed up as a different kind of Soldier,Conan the Barbarian! Xander/Buffy, Xander/Willow

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > Conan the Barbarian/DestroyerjujukittychickFR2135,35954812,32328 Oct 119 Mar 13No

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Part One

Title: A Barbarian’s Conquests
Author: jujukittychick
Paring: Xander/Willow, Xander/Buffy
Rating: NC-17
Warning: m/f sexual relationship
Disclaimer: I do not own anything except the computer I'm typing this on and am making no money. Buffy:TVS and Conan belong to their respective creators and owners who *are* making money off them. I'm just doing this for my own fun and entertainment; in general, if you recognize something, I don't own it.
Beta: NONE! Any mistakes are mine, sorry
A/N: I’m playing loosely with the Halloween ep, mainly ‘cause I barely remember it beyond the main points, but Cordy and Angel aren’t really going to factor in

Summary: Based on Challenge 1857:Barbarian Halloween at Twisting the Hellmouth - Xander looses a bet and has to dress up in Willow or Buffy's choice of costume. This time Xander dressed up as a different kind of Soldier, Conan the Barbarian! Forget those wimpy M-16's. He's wielding a Sword now.

Part One

“Come on, girls…ladies! Fabulous, wonderful lady-friends that you are, you’re not really going to go through with this right? Right?!” Xander started casting a practiced look around the costume shop for any potential exits as his two best friends in the world, Willow and Buffy, dragged him, pretty much literally, through the racks. So he had made a little bet with them and lost; who would’ve guessed that Buffy could actually make it a week without destroying some article of clothing. He chalked it up to a slow Slaying week and a severe lack of apocalypses…apocalypsi? He’d have to remember to ask Giles about that one later. Regardless, he lost the bet, so now they got to pick out all their Halloween costumes instead of him. It was like they were afraid he was going to pick out some Princess Leia slave girl outfit for them or something, not that the thought hadn’t crossed his mind, but he kinda liked all his important bits in their current locations and knew better than to voice the idea.

Though apparently they didn’t have the same reservations as him. Blinking rapidly in the vain hope that what he was seeing would be a figment of his imagination, he began shaking his head, a steady stream of “Nononono, oh hell no!” babbling forth from his mouth. Staring in horror at what looked like a fake fur Speedo and those furry boots that Eskimos wore in cartoons, he turned a wide-eyed look at his so-called friends. “What…you can’t be…Seriously?! The Xan-man can so totally not pull that off. Have you looked at me recently? Not that you guys would be looking at me that way, ‘cause you know, just friends, but honestly, you’re just joking right?”

Willow and Buffy looked at each other and rolled their eyes at their friend’s melodramatics before Buffy spoke up. “Oh come on, Xander. It’s Conan and you like those fantasy actiony type movies. You can even use one of my swords for a prop instead of this cheap plastic thing.” Dropping her voice and looking around to make sure nobody else was near, she continued. “It would probably be a good idea anyway. I mean, I know Giles totally said that nothing ever happens on Halloween, but seriously, it’s the Hellmouth and when has anything gone like it’s supposed to, right? Besides, we’ve seen you at the beach, you’ll look just in fine in this.” Glancing at Willow as Xander continued to give them the “are you absolutely insane?” look, she pulled out the big guns and bit her bottom lip just as it started to quiver, her eyes blinking rapidly. “Don’t you trust us? You know we wouldn’t do anything to embarrass you.”

“Oh no! No! Stop that! I will not be conned by the quivering lip and oh gods, tears?! Really? Come on, don’t…not you too, Willow! Fine, but there will be no picture taking! This will go down in the books as a lost Halloween, no proof allowed after.” Xander hesitantly took the costume while a little bit of him cried at the unfairness of the world that he, definitely not of the macho type, was stuck going as one of the biggest macho men there were.

Willow finally spoke up, a happy smile on her face. “But look, Xander, they have a whole set of coordinating costumes. I can go as a priestess and Buffy can go as a princess. We’ll be a matched set, and you can be our protector!”

“Yeah, until someone tries to kick my ass and Princess Buffy has to protect me.” Watching the hurt looks cross his friends’ faces, Xander continued quickly. “No, no, it’s alright. You guys will look stunning and draw all the attention off of me. It’ll work out just fine.” I just hope Larry and the rest of the jocks don’t get a good look at me, or even worse, Cordelia; I’ll never live this down.

“That’s the spirit, Xan! Come on, let’s get these paid for and get back to the library, Giles told me at lunch he was getting funny feelings or something and wanted us to start researching…um…something-or-other, I forget.”

Their conversation turned to a discussion of homework and classes as the three paid for their costumes and left the shop, never noticing the calculating look on the shopkeeper’s face.


It was Halloween night and the three had met in the library to change into their costumes before having to lead the munchkins on their rounds through the neighborhood. They were each taking turns using Giles’ office to change and Xander had considerately wolf-whistled as each of the girls had stepped back out in their new identity. Even Giles got in the spirit and clapped while stuttering out an embarrassed compliment.

Xander had to admit, he couldn’t have picked better outfits for the girls if he had tried. Willow, preferring more reserved clothing, had picked the priestess costume, a startling white dress that was just begging to be stained as soon as she walked outside, that managed to cover her from head to toe while still accenting her burgeoning curves. It had a cowl type hood that she currently had down as Buffy had arranged her hair in some kind of elaborate up-do with curly ringlets framing her face with the front of the dress dipping in a gentle scoop to just show the top of her cleavage. The sleeves were tapered down to her wrists and the skirt flowed loosely around her ankles.

Buffy, on the other hand, had gone with what was supposed to be a barbarian princess costume that Xander personally was calling a slave girl outfit, though not out loud. At first glance it looked innocent enough, the top looking much like one of her normal crop tops she wore out Slaying with the skirt falling to her ankles as well. Unlike Willow’s though, the costume seemed to consist of little more than layers of nearly transparent fabric, layered just enough that all the important bits were covered.

Yeah, it wasn’t hard for him to applaud their costumes, his however…

“Come on, Xander! We’re going to be late.” Willow’s voice, muffled though it was through the closed office door, held a distinct note of disapproval.

“Yeah, Xan, I’m sure you look just fine, and you know Snyder is going to jump on our cases if we’re even a little late. Besides, it’s too late now to back out.”

“Says you,” Xander muttered to himself. Sighing he looked down at himself one last time and shook his head. The things he let his girls talk him into. Steeling his nerves and closing his eyes, he opened the door and stepped out into complete silence. Peeking through his eyelashes, he saw the stunned looks on his friends’ faces. “See, I told you I was going to look ridiculous.”

Willow stared in surprise. Sure she had seen Xander in his swim trunks, but that had been back at the start of the summer, and his day-glo swim trunks were nothing compared to…this. He didn’t look like her normal Xander-shaped friend, that was for sure. Wow, maybe she should start listening to Buffy when she suggested trying to move their friendship into a more romantic type relationship.

Buffy gaped in surprise, her main thought being, Damn I’m good. Even under the unflattering fluorescent lights, Xander looked amazing. Still carrying some of his tan from the summer, he looked long and lean, and though not as ripped as some of the jocks, he had the start of a six-pack and strong looking arms and legs. The “furry swimsuit,” as Xander was calling it, left his entire upper body bare except for the strap of the sword sheath that crossed his chest and showed off muscled thighs before his lower legs disappeared into the furry boots. A plain leather band tied around his forehead made his normally messy hair look a little longer and more like a statement than a lack of caring. If Angel hadn’t been in the picture, maybe…hell, who was she kidding, she knew after that night, she wouldn’t be able to look at Xander the same again.

It was Giles that finally broke the tense silence and settled Xander’s nerves, though even he had to admit the boy no longer looked like the careless teen he normally portrayed, and more like a man…a warrior. Perhaps it was time he started training him to fight along side Buffy, he certainly had the build to handle some of the larger weapons that were just too awkward for Buffy to easily handle. “You…you look just fine, Xander. It was a very fitting costume choice. Were you able to handle the sword alright?”

Xander reached back to grasp the hilt of the broadsword that was strapped to his back, pulling it out about halfway, unknowingly causing his muscles to ripple and flex, much to the girls’ fascination. “Yeah, G-man, didn’t have any problems at all with it. Think I’m just glad it’s not too cold out tonight. Wish this thing had a cape or something.” Crossing his arms self-consciously over his chest, he made his way out into the library proper. “So, can I escort you ladies to our funerals? I mean, to the lovely little monsters that are waiting to torture us for the next couple hours.”

The girls laughed and flanked him, each tucking their arm through one of his. The group would never realize the envious stares they received as Xander ushered the two young beauties over to the milling group of children and teens. They did notice Snyder’s unhappy look, not to mention the smart-ass comments about their outfits. Xander pointed out that their participation was strictly volunteer and they could always go home so Snyder could supervise the kids in their place. Not surprisingly, he wandered off to go berate another costumed classmate of theirs and left them alone.

The rest of the evening started well enough; they should have known to take it as a sign. Xander, Willow, and Buffy took their little legion of trick-or-treaters out of the school and started down their designated side street, waiting patiently as the kids went door to door begging for their ration of candy. They were about half way down the street when a sudden tingly wave seemed to sweep over them, leaving them looking at each other in surprise before everything went hazy.
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