Title: Already Wet
Author: Jinni (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Disclaimer: All things Stargate: SG1 belong to MGM, et al. Song lyrics are to “What Can’t I?” by Liz Phair.
Distribution: My site. Others, please ask.
Summary: Is it him that she wants, or just the memory of what she never quite shared with him?
// This is, this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming//
It was like this every time she got word that He was coming. Her heart would beat a little faster, her mouth would go dry, and her palms would inexplicably begin to sweat. Just standing at the bottom of the ramp leading from the Gate was enough to cause a minor case of hyperventilation, knowing that at any second He would be coming through.
It was unnatural.
But it was all she’d known for the better part of a year, Major Samantha Carter reminded herself with a soft sigh of resignation. If the feelings hadn’t gone away by now, they likely never would. If only Jolinar hadn’t –
She stopped that train of thought before it could go any further, cutting it off quite sharply with a stinging mental reprimand at herself. Would she really like to have never known Jolinar, even for those brief hours they were a part of one another? To never have known of the Tok’ra, much less formed an alliance with them? Her father would be dead, without a doubt, if she hadn’t made contact with them. There was so much good that had come of that brief intrusion in her life. So very much good.
And yet –
The gate flared to life, the incoming sirens blaring out their warning. But it was all like background noise to her, hardly audible above the beating of her heart. She licked her dry lips. Was this it? The time when all of these feelings finally came to a head?
Because it was.
Going to get to that point.
The only question was when.
Her father appeared first, but even the joy at seeing him yet again, alive and well, did nothing for that ache that had burrowed its way right into her very soul.
And when Martouf stepped through, face as serene as ever. Blue-grey eyes searching, though so covertly that no one would even realize he was doing so unless they knew him.
The way –she- knew him.
Her heart jumped as his eyes met hers, the bond that they unwittingly shared creating a delicious ached in her very being. She bit the inside of her cheek and forced herself to respond to his glance with only a smile of greeting. It was years of training, she told herself silently, that permitted her the willpower to keep from running to him. From leaping into arms that a part of her knew so well.
Damn Jolinar, she whispered to her conscious mind, even as a part of her was blessing the long gone Tok’ra.
He smiled in return, and her knees turned to proverbial jello. This was what it was like to lose one’s self. This was what it was like to be consumed by a fire that could not be quenched through ordinary means, that knew no bounds or rules – could not be contained.
These were Jolinar’s feelings, a part of her couldn’t help but whisper. Nothing more than memories of feelings that Jolinar left when she died. Remnants of what Martouf shared with Jolinar for that long, long time they were together. Longer than Sam had been alive.
But she –felt- it! The pain when they were apart. The loneliness. And the joy at reunion. It was her heart skipping a beat. No one else’s. It was her body that reacted to just being near him.
Maybe it didn’t matter so much who was feeling what.
Because she couldn’t stop it.
//Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you//
The blonde bit off a sigh. She’d hoped to get away from there. Away from him and the feelings that she was currently awash with. At least until she could get herself under control. But there he was, ever the good. . .friend. Following her out of the briefing room. He wanted to catch up. That was all. They –were- friends, after all. She couldn’t really blame him.
“Martouf,” she smiled as she turned to him. “I was just on my way –“
“I’m sorry. You are busy?”
It was the plain disappointment on his face that caused her to doubt herself and the actions she was taking. This was her problem, not his. Why should he suffer for her lack of control, her inability to think past what was just a phantom of a memory? And not even her own memory at that.
She shook her head, giving him the best attempt at cheer she could manage. “Nothing that can’t wait. What’s up?”
The disappointment faded just as quickly as it had come, replaced by one of those dazzling white smiles of his. She felt her heart flutter, breath catch. It was the same old thing, she told herself.
But now it was getting unbearable.
“I was hoping that we could spend some time together during this visit,” he offered quietly, taking a step closer to her.
“D-doing?” she stammered, looking away. It was silly, she knew, but those eyes of his had always seemed like they could see right into her soul.
“Well, your father has suggested that perhaps I might see some of your world during our stay.”
Sam bit off a groan. She had no doubt that her father also suggested that she be the one to show him around.
“That. . .sounds like fun,” she nodded. “I have some work to finish up first. You can wait in my office if you like.”
If she was surprised to say it, he looked as equally shocked, if not more so, to hear the invitation come from her lips.
“I’d like that.”
The blonde haired Major nodded, tilting her head towards the hall. She took off at a brisk pace, trusting that he would keep up with her. Silence descended upon them during the brief trek, and she found herself once again faced with her thoughts, something she wanted less than anything. Her thoughts weren’t a pleasant place these days, if only for the fact they were filled with such turmoil.
She flipped on her office light, gesturing to a one of only two ‘guest’ chairs in the room. Reports were still waiting to be processed from the last mission. This was the work she needed to complete before she could take Martouf on a short tour around town. Just enough to sate his curiosity for the time being, she warned herself. Not very long at all.
And not because the longer they were out the more they risked someone noticing something off about him. No, this was one hundred percent because she wasn’t sure how long she could stand to be in close proximity to him before she threw caution to the wind and tasted his lips as if she were drowning and --
She jumped, startled, as Lantesh’s somewhat deeper, definitely unique, voice filled the silence where only her thoughts had been the moment before.
“I’m sorry,” he offered by way of apology. She glanced down to see that he had one hand half-outstretched, as if to touch her arm; yet even as she watched he moved it back towards his body.
“It’s okay,” she smiled warmly, just a tad hesitant with her words. “I was lost in my thoughts.”
He nodded, eyes curious. Odd, she found herself thinking, that he could have such different expressions than his host. She could almost tell who she was speaking with just by their mannerisms.
“Martouf is worried that we have somehow offended you.”
She sighed sharply. That was Lantesh – always right to the point. She shook her head. “No, you two haven’t done anything.”
“It’s me,” she cut him off with a wave of her hand. “It’s just me, Lantesh. And –“
She stopped, shutting her mouth. That was already more than she’d wanted to say. Why did she always feel the desire to confide in this man? Both of them, for that matter? Another after effect of Jolinar being one with her, she knew. It was just so. . difficult – especially when what was ‘wrong’ had everything to do with them.
“And -?” he sat back in the chair, regarding her intently. “If there is anything we can do –“
It would be easy, if not rude, to tell him that the only thing they could do was ‘go away’. But she couldn’t. Sending him away would hurt just as much, if not more, than having him sit there with her.
“Please, Samantha,” Martouf was back in control now and while Lantesh managed to sound somewhat aloof, even when it was obvious he cared, his host could not manage such a feat. Everything that Martouf felt was plain on his face as he once again leaned forward in the chair, almost to within touching distance. “Let us help you.”
She laughed brokenly. “You can’t. I wish you could. But you can’t.”
“Because. . .” she sighed, shaking her head. “It’s just memories, Martouf. Nothing more, nothing less. There’s nothing you can do.”
“Memories from Jolinar?”
His voice was steady as he spoke her name, but she knew that he still ached for that loss.
“Yes,” she nodded. “And feelings. Nothing new.”
“I am sorry that those memories and feelings are still causing you discomfort.”
She looked into his eyes, her forehead creasing with worry. Now he was the one that sounded hurt. “I think I’ve said something wrong.”
“No,” he smiled sadly.
“Why else did you just lose that sparkle in your eyes?” she snorted, blushing when she realized what she’d just said.
For the first time since she’d met him, Sam saw Martouf get agitated, almost angry. “What would you have me say, Samantha? That I am happy to hear that the feelings you have for me cause you grief? That I wish I could take them from you?” He licked his lips. “I –am- happy, but not for that reason. When I see you, when I look into your eyes, I see something I thought I would never see again.”
“You just feel that bond you had with Jolinar,” she protested weakly.
“Yes,” he frowned, holding up a hand when she would have responded. “But that is not all.”
Sam felt dizzy, looking into those grey-blue eyes.
“I feel something for –you-,” he whispered, eyes growing distant. A soft smile played at the corner of his lips as she attempted to come to terms with what he’d just admitted. “Lantesh says I have made a mess of things.”
She snorted, breaking into a laugh. “No more than I have.”
“Then perhaps we should try again?”
She stood as he did, allowing him to walk within a few steps of her.
“I like you for you, Samantha Carter. The bond I share with the one you once hosted is a part of that and I would be foolish to deny it. However I would like a chance to get to know you better.”
“So would I,” she whispered, taking the hand that he offered her. Their fingers twined together, as they had once before, during their first meeting. She’d been so sure at that time that he was going to kiss her, and Daniel had interrupted. So much had happened since then. More memories had come to the surface, become a part of her everyday thinking, that she knew without a doubt that he would kiss her now.
It was chaste as far as kisses went. Warm and filled with a promise of what could be, but not overwhelmed with passion. She pulled away, smiling.
“Is this part of getting to know each other better?” she offered with a wry chuckle.
“It is,” he nodded with a playful smirk. “However I believe your father would prefer we choose other methods.”
“Like the sightseeing my father suggested for tonight?” she muttered with a roll of her eyes. Her own father had tried to play matchmaker. Or was it Selmak? Hard to tell which was which sometimes, though this definitely had a woman’s subtle touch. “I have something else in mind, however. I quiet evening at my place – I’ll order some of our famous Earth takeout, and we can watch a movie. Or just talk. I’d like to get to know you. . .both of you. . .better.”
Martouf’s head dipped, and when he looked up again it was Lantesh that spoke for both of them, warming her heart as it gave her hope that things might start looking up again.
“And we look forward to getting to know you better as well.”
// I'd love for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
I'd love for you to pull me under
for this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'//