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Trading Kids

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Summary: Someone let this kitten, Anko, get her mittens, on three little genins newb...

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Anime > NarutojoshlamontFR15913,780148732,5812 Dec 118 May 12No

And then the plot sailed way

Tired. Will clean up in the morning. :P And fine, I'll mark it incomplete. I'm telling you though, this thing has no direction. It could go anywhere!

As always, I own nothing.

Sakura groaned as she stopped to wipe her forehead. “Eyuech!” She flung the sweat off her hand.

“Asuma-sensei, this is ridiculous!” Ino complained, desperately trying to brush the dust off her clothes. “These don’t have anything to do with being a ninja, they’re just chores!

She squeaked when a piece of dirt smeared into the fabric.

“Now, now…” Asuma rumbled gently. “It’s a good way to learn teamwork. You get to know each other, and how you all work. Plus, it gives us time to train up.”

“Train up?!” Ino exclaimed, wringing her hands free of sweat. “What was the point of the academy if we’re still not good enough?!”

“There’s always room for improvement,” Asuma said, smiling. “Besides, all ninjas have to go through this for the first several months.”

Mwahahaha, run, little mimes, run! Katon: Mime Roast no Jutsu!

“Sasuke-kun, wait up!” Lee cried, chasing after the cackling genin. “We are supposed to hunt the mimes before we root them out! Not after!” There was a large flash in the distance, and a sense of mad gibbering without any sound. “YOSH! If I cannot catch up to you before the next mime, I shall run fifty laps around Konoha! And if I cannot do that, I shall dress up as a mime and divert you as flame-resistance training. GAI-SENSEI BE PROUD OF MEEEEEEeeeeee…!”

“LEE!” Gai appeared on the barn rooftop as Lee turned into a streak of green on the horizon. “My marvelously hard-working pupil! You and Sasuke-chan BURN BRIGHTLY in the spring of your youth! CONTINUE TO BE MAGNIFICENT, MY STUDENTS!”

Tenten landed on the roof just behind him, and caught Sakura’s eye before glancing at Gai and sighing. With a roll of her eyes, she fired a grappling hook at Gai’s belt just as he launched into the air. They both vanished into the sky with a twinkle.

“…well. Sasuke aside, Gai-sensei’s team has been working together for a year,” Asuma said, patting for his pack of cigarettes.

“GANG-WAY, GET TO THE SIDE, BOAT COMING THROUGH!” What could only be Naruto’s voice enthusiastically burst through the crowd. Civilians everywhere jumped out of the way as an enormous boat flew through the streets, carried by a cloud of bugs and flood of Narutos. At the bow, Anko laughed madly beside a blushing Hinata and a silent Shino.

“SHIP TO HALF-SPEED!” she bellowed.

“HALF-SPEED, AYE!” the Narutos shouted back and doubled their pace.

“Naruto, what the hell?!” Sakura roared.

One of the Narutos turned. “Oh, hey, Sakura! Check out this boat we made! Isn’t it cool?!”

“Why would an idiot like you need a boat?” Ino asked caustically.

“We’re supposed to go find the Magu Magu no Mi! It lets you turn into lava!


“Gotta go!” Naruto waved. “Man, I love these missions!” He caught up with the rest of the group and joined in. “FORTY-TWO DEGREES RIGHT, AYE!”


“FULL-SPEED AHEAD, AYE!” With a sudden WHOOMPH, the ship shot into the distance.

Ino’s brow twitched dangerously.

"That does it!” she shrieked, “We're finishing this stupid mission and going up to get something better!"

“Er… well… they…” Asuma said, fumbling for a cigarette to replace the one that dropped out of his mouth. He flicked his lighter several times before it caught. "...before you say anything, consider the source. Do you really want to get into that kind of mindset?"

Sakura winced.

"Still!" Ino said sharply, "I'll bet the other teams aren't just sitting around!"

Shikamaru stared at the sky. "You know... the cloud reminds me of space, and how it... warps..."

"I think I do..." Neji said lazily. "It's like... fate... with all those little threads stretching everywhere. Like a fabric..."

"You mean... like a dog-blanket...?" Kiba asked, taking in a deep breath of leaf.

"Maybe. Does fate smell like dog...?"

“Boys?” A voice called out. “Neji? Shikamaru? Kiba? Where are you?” Kurenai came into view. “What on earth…”

“Sensei!” Shikamaru waved. “Have a seat…”

“What have you boys done?!”

Kiba shrugged. “We were ta clear out the field…”

Neji waved at the smoking inferno. “Mission accomplished…”

“Fine,” Asuma said, taking a deep drag. “We’ll see if there’s anything good tomorrow. But for now, weed.” He glanced around. “Where’s Choji?”

They’re bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy, fun-fun-fun-fun-fun!” Choji sang as he bounced around the field like a rubber ball, crushing plants like a badly-aimed cannonball. “But the most wonderful thing, Akimichis, is we’re the only ones! Weeeeee're-

“He said he needed space to work properly,” Sakura said.

“Psht!” Ino scoffed. “He probably just didn’t want us to catch him eating the darn things.”

Waaaaaahoooo!” Naruto whooped, leaping into the water.

Hinata shrieked with Anko, albeit not with the same enthusiasm, while Shino drew in his kikaichu, staring stoically ahead.

The boat hit the water with an enormous FWOOM, accompanied by the sound of a thousand pops as Naruto’s clones hit the water at a speed most people associate with trains and rocket propelled grenades. Naruto himself managed the world’s most painful belly flop, actually denting the ocean floor below with the impact from the water.

“Man underboard!” Anko called out cheerfully, while Shino’s bugs gently fished Naruto’s body out of the water.

“And down!” she whistled as they laid him on the deck. “Does anybody know CPR?” Shino raised his hand. “Okay, fangirl, looks like it’s on you.”

“Me?” Hinata squeaked.

“What, you think he wants to wake up to Shades’ ugly mug? No offense, kid.”

“None taken,” Shino said. “Though, I do question your motives.”

“Whaaat? Now listen, Wispy, the trick here is to breath, and then suck, ‘cause you’re trying to get his lungs going, right? While you're at it, put your right hand here, and just kinda massage his chest, help stimulate the heart.”

“Among other things,” Shino muttered.

“Okay, ready?”

Hinata started hyperventilating a centimeter over Naruto’s lips.

“Good, good practice! A little slower, though.”

I can do this, I can do this, it’s for Naruto-kun, Naruto needs you, he’s depending on you, you’ve got to do this, you’ve got to- Naruto moaned. Hinata froze.

“QUICK, KID, BEFORE HE GOES INTO DEFIBRILATION!” Anko screamed. Hinata yelped and jerked her head down without thinking. Her eyes widened as she felt his lips press against hers, the heat burning off her face. She felt herself go dizzy, and shook her head. No, focus! For Naruto-kun!

Naruto woke up to feel someone kissing him passionately, almost violently as her head shook. He blinked, and Hinata came into focus, eyes scrunched up tight, face bright red. Holy crap, she just took my virginity! Wait… does this mean we’re married, or that we have to get married? No,wait, that’s only if you’re having a baby, and you can’t have a baby unless you kiss at night. Okay.

Naruto decided to take his cue from Hinata, so when she began sucking, he began sucking, too, which made their mouths slip, and he kinda ended up biting her lip.

Ah!” he cried, scrambling away. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Are you okay?” he exclaimed, getting up on his knees and peering in her face.

Hinata, if at all possible, felt herself go even more red. That… that felt good. Eek, he’s staring at me! What do I do?!

She blinked at the sudden flash.

“Nice one, kids!” Anko said, winding her camera, “These’ll look great in the jounin break room.”

“Wh-what?” Hinata whimpered.

“Aw, I mean you saving his life, of course!” Anko chirped brightly. Shino raised an eyebrow. “First day on the job, already got yer partner’s back. Teamworkmanship test, my ass! My kids already got that shit down!”


“Anko-sensei, what do you mean? What happened?” Naruto asked. “Last thing I remember is-” He winced as he remember hitting the water nine hundred and fifty seven times. “Ohhhhhhh. Right. So. Note to selves- poof before you hit the water. Hopefully after throwing me.”

“Attaboy, kid, treat this as a learning experience!” Anko said, thumping him on the back. Unfortunately, she made him swallow his own saliva and he began coughing and choking again.

“N-Naruto-kun!” Hinata exclaimed franticly.

Anko watched them proudly as Hinata tried to give him CPR.

“Where should I direct this vessel?” Shino asked quietly, walking up beside her.

“Hell if I know!” Anko said. “I just made the mission up! Where’d you think a magma fruit thing would be? I’m good with any island.”

Shino twitched. “…if we’re searching a fictional object, perhaps a fictional island would suffice. Might I suggest we start with the second star to the right, and then head straight on till morning?”

“Great idea! Though, we’ll have to kill time until sunset.”

Shino twitched again.

“Nah, nah, we need to go north!” Naruto exclaimed. He coughed for a second, still breathing a bit harshly. “I looked that stuff up in the library, and there was a book there that told me all about it!”

Anko stared at him in disbelief. “You… you mean you actually found…”

“Hey, I go to the library sometimes too, dattebayo!” Naruto grumbled.

Hinata smiled at him proudly. “Well, then, I think our course is clear. To the north!”

“Hey, I give the orders around here, kiddo!” Anko snapped. She stepped up on the bow and posed. “TO THE NORTH, FULL-SPEED AHEAD!”

“TO THE- hey, Shino, you gotta say it, too, ‘cause you’re the driver. TO THE NORTH! FULL SPEED AHEAD!”

Shino twitched.
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