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Trading Kids

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Story

Summary: Someone let this kitten, Anko, get her mittens, on three little genins newb...

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Anime > NarutojoshlamontFR15913,780148731,4992 Dec 118 May 12No

Carrying a drinking Anko

Aw, man, I missed three days! Ah, well. Hopefully this chapter makes up for the last one. As always, I own nothing.



One Month Later...

"Ohhhhhsupercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Even though the sound of it something quite atrocious! If you say it LOUD ENOUGH, you'll always sound precoghgt."

Shino's kikaichu tightened their grip on his neck. "I would suggest, Uzumaki-san, that you endeavor to avoid sounding precocious. It could save your life."

"Now, now, Shino-kun, I was enjoying that last verse," Hinata said pleasantly, coming down from the aftcastle. She fluttered her eyes at the gagging genin. "What happened after you said it to your girl, again?"

"SHADDUP up there! -ow..." Anko's voice bellowed from below decks. Three weeks without hard liquor had driven her to making up her own fermenting jutsus; the results (i.e., side effects) were still rather negligible.

"So!" Hinata asked brightly, "Have you figured out where we are, yet?"

"Hchkkct!" Naruto coughed and massaged his throat. "I think so! That last whirlpool actually threw us back into charted territories!"

After leaving the island, they had to run from a giant lion-whale, who chased them into a typhoon, where they nearly sailed into a gigantic sea of lava, only to discover there were three seas of lava trying to sail around it. Arriving at shore got them thrown in prison for counterfeit money and then sold into slavery for lying when they said they came from beyond the lava's edge. After sparking an epic revolution that involved a lot of tears and flashbacks and face paint, they escaped the slave pits of Ascending Empire, melted through the southern ice wall, and fought through murders of vampire crow-fish in the ocean jungle, only to run into an endless expanse of whirlpools. Needless to say, this did not help with Anko's hangovers.

"If I'm right, all this mist means we should be just passing the Land of-" bump.

"Bump? We're not supposed to go bump! DAMN YOU BOB, I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH VAMPIRE CROWS!"

"ShadDUP!" A whiskey bottle flew out of the lower decks.

"Naruto-kun-" Hinata hesitated.

"Naruto," Shino adjusted his glassed. "It appears to be a bridge."

"In the middle of the ocean?" Naruto asked. "What the heck-OI! YOU UP THERE! YOUR DAMN BRIDGE IS IN OUR WAY!"

"LIKE I GIVE A CRAP, Y'DIRTY MERCENARY!"

"MERCENARY? YOU WANNA START SOMETHING?!"

"YOU STARTED IT, YOU COWARDLY THUGS! WORKING FOR THAT MONEY-GRUBBING MURDERER!"

"ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT, I'M COMING UP THERE AND KICKING YOUR ASS!"

"THE HELL YOU ARE!"

Naruto jumped up to be smashed in the head with a pail of concrete. It was followed by a two by four, a load of bricks, a gallon of oil, a lighter, a rat trap, and a great many others things including but not limited to five large geese and a vicious, rabid midget. Naruto dodged most of it and blocked the rest with his face, bouncing several times across the deck before landing at Hinata's feet.

"OI! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE THROWING THINGS! YOU ALMOST HIT-"

"Is that a fork? That's a fork! In your-! YOU JERK, YOU ALMOST HIT MY PRIVATE... ah... eto..." Hinata blushed as everyone turned to look at her.

Shino sidled up beside Naruto. "My condolences," he said quickly.

"What?" Naruto shot him a confused look and then scowled and gave him a shove. "Shut up, I still own them!"

Shino raised an eyebrow.

"For now," Naruto grumbled.

"Run back to Gato and tell him he don't scare me none at all!" a hefty old man snarled from up top the bridge.

"Tell him yourself!" Naruto shouted. "I don't know who the hell that is!"

"WILL ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT THE HELLOuwww..." Hinata ran over to Anko and helped her over to a barrel.

"Fiction Release: Silencio no Jutsu. Fiction Release: Stupefy no Jutsu." She patted Anko's arm. "Sleep well, sensei." Shino's kikaichu buzzed agitatedly. "Aw, what's got them all fussy?"

"They have just mastered theoretical astrophysics and began working on advanced quantum science. The concept of Naruto's... jutsus is most distressing. They should not exist. Why? Because they rape the laws of reality. Or would, did it not seem reality begs Uzumaki for more."

"You should have had them major in Language Arts."

"So what you're saying is," Naruto concluded, "Gato, who may or may not be named after a giant robot-"

"Like hell, you brought that up, you crazy nut!"

"-is trying to take over Wake-"

"Wave."

"-by controlling all the ships-"

"...close enough."

"-so nobody can trade anything with anyone else. And you're building this monstrosity so ships don't matter."

The old man sighed. "I suppose that's as good as we're gonna get."

"And to make sure nobody beats him, he's hired a bunch of thugs that look vaguely like us, hoping to capitalize on our awesome."

"...no. Just hired thugs. That kill."

Naruto nodded. "I see, I see..."

"What are you thinking, Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked, pausing her explanation of Chaucer to Shino's kikaichu.

"I'm thinking... ships!" he said excitedly, staring into the mist. "Hundreds of ships. Tens of hundreds! Thousands! Enough deck a man could walk from Greenland to Iceland to Scotland without getting his feet wet!"

"Where?" the old man asked bewilderedly.

"Snow to Lightning to Anesland of the Ascending Empire," Hinata whispered.

"Again, where?"

"They'll sail the nine seas-"

"Nine?"

"Giving free rides to anyone who asks!"

"Now hold on just a minute-" the old man sputtered. "Just where are you getting all these ships?"

"I'll make 'em!"

The old man laughed. "Just you? With what? There aren't enough trees in all of Wave!"

Naruto leapt up to the bridge and clapped the old man on the shoulder. "Believe in the log, my friend," he said earnestly, "And when you call the log, it will answer."

"What?"

"Kage Bushin no Jutsu! Kawarimi!"

Before the old man could blink, the bridge was filled with thousands of Naruto, and the second after he blinked, they were logs. Great, big, ginormous logs, the size of houses.

"My bridge!" he screamed, as the half-finished structure groaned and collapsed under the weight.

"Oh... heheheh..." Naruto chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his head. "I can fix that."

Hinata blinked. "Naruto-kun, I think your logs actually reach to the mainland."

"Oh, hey, they do!" Naruto cheered up. "Too bad I need 'em for my ships!"

"I'm going to kill you for real this time, you bridge-wrecking, hope-killing dirty son of a-"

"Hey, I said I could fix it! Just give me a minute, it's been a month since I did this." He turned to the clones filtering back in. "You guys know what to do, right?"

"RIGHT," the shout thundered back.

"Though-" one clone said. "We've got a thousand guys for a thousand ships, and it took like four of us to build one last time. I may be awesome, but-"

"D'oh!" Naruto crossed his fingers again. "San-kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

This time, there wasn't a clear foot of water left in the ocean.

"Alright, get cracking!" Naruto jumped back up onto deck from the collapsed bridge.

"W-wait! Get back here! What about my bridge?!"

"I'll fix it, old man, I'll fix it! Just wait a bit, geez!"

An hour or so later, Anko woke up to the sound of sawing and pounding. "Aw, fsck, the lumber mill again? I've got to kick it into my head, it doesn't matter how many muscles the guy has down there, it never makes up for-"

"Heya, nee-chan!"

Anko shrieked and then groaned.

"Hey, kid." She put a palm to her head. "Wait-" The last month rushed back into her head. "Oh, thank God."

"What?" Naruto peered at her curiously. "Is this about the lumber mill you were talking about? What's that got to do with muscles, anyway?"

"Ask Hinata, ramen-brain," Anko smirked. She got up and stretched. "Now, what's all this..." Anko stared at the mass of jumpsuits working on the slowing forming ships around them. "Violet..." she breathed, "Did it finally happen? Did Sparky finally snap and decide to take over the world?"

Hinata fumbled. "Well..."

"'cause that would be awesome. I've been waiting for this! Ever since that dip kicked the empire in the balls at the slave pits and left it crying!"

"He's not exactly..."

"Tell me I get to be the pirate queen!" Anko begged Naruto.

Naruto scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "I'm just kinda building a travel fleet, nee-chan."

"With armor?"

"Well, yeah."

"And cannons?"

Naruto shot her an incredulous look. "Of course!"

"I can work with that," she muttered, walking away. Shino watched her leave and turned to follow before pausing.

He turned to Naruto. "Should that scenario ever come to pass," he said quietly, "I respectfully submit myself as the Minister of Agriculture."
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