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Trading Kids

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Summary: Someone let this kitten, Anko, get her mittens, on three little genins newb...

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Anime > NarutojoshlamontFR15913,780148732,5812 Dec 118 May 12No

N found Rrrr

Not quite what I wanted, but better than I thought. As always, I own nothin'

"All clones accounted for?" Naruto shouted. He looked across a vast sea of orange, thousands of him all lined up in flawless rows, holding themselves stiffly at attention. He waited for the counts to roll down the ranks.

"All clones present and accounted for, SIR!"

"Report the ships' status?"

"All ships complete, SIR!"

"Have they been inspected?"

"Yes, sir!"

"And how were they found?"

"Made of AWESOME, SIR!"

"Very good, Clone Sergeant!"

"Petty Officer, SIR!"


"This clone was approached by Genin Aburame, sir! The correct term is Petty Officer! SIR!"

"That's lame! I hereby dub you Clone Commander!"

"Yes, SIR!"

"Now... ready the ships!"


The clones dispersed in a massive burst of kawarimi, littering the water with pencils.



"-huh?" Naruto turned. "What is it Hinata-chan?"

"Naruto..." Hinata said sweetly, "Were you just about to send thousands of yourself off without supervision?"

"Um... yeeeennnnnmaybe?" Naruto scratched his head. "Who'm I supposed to take with me?"

Hinata beamed. "I'm glad you asked!"

"This is an unwise idea."

"Oh, hush, it'll be fine!" Hinata focused.

"Our chakra systems were not designed to handle this kind of strain."

"I'm watching everyone carefully with my byakugan." Hinata stared soulfully at him. "Don't you trust these eyes?"

"Do I trust a tool? Yes. Do I trust its owner? Never."

"Okay, I think I've got it!' Naruto said, walking up to the group. "I just needed to set up a similar resonance pattern as a stop-gap for any excessive flooding from the natural mental/physical resistance and capacitative differential."

"Did anyone get that?" Anko asking, cleaning her ear out.

"He required a clone to ensure that we do not explode. I highly recommend we reconsider this course of action!"

"Relax," Naruto said, as his clone put a hand on each team member, "And feel the burn! Proxy Release: Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Chakra surged through the four of them, causing the world to warp. Space swelled like errant balloon, before snapping back and hurtling ripples across the area. There was an enormous burst of smoke, and when it cleared, an army of Shinos, Ankos, and Hinatas stood on the ocean.

"This is... odd." One of the Hinatas said, prodding another her.

"Ite!" The other Hinata popped, and the entire crowd of hers went red at the memory of being poked there.

The Shinos adjusted their glasses. "We would suggest," they said, "That you be more careful."

"Creepy," Anko shivered.

"I'll say!" Anko replied.

"This is neat!" Anko grinned.

"PARTY!" A fourth shouted.


They froze before anything could get started. Naruto appeared on the deck of the original ship, wearing a fedora, a bright orange leather trenchcoat, and carrying a thirty-foot bullwhip.

"Kinky!" the Ankos said all at once.

"All right, LISTEN UP!" Naruto shouted. "Four of me and one of you to a ship! No fighting-"


"No biting-"


"And no boinking!"


The Ankos turned to stare in surprise.

"Hinata-chan, I've seen what kind of stuff goes on when you boink-" The slave-pits had actually been very educational for Naruto. "-and it's just not possible with clones. How about this?" He turned to the crowd. "You guys can do anything you want if the ship's going down!"


Hm. He probably should have thought about that statement. Oh, well.

"Bear right four degrees!"

"Bearing right four degrees!"

"No, I mean there's a bear-" An unholy shriek of terror tore through the mist. "Never mind, Hinata got it."


"Yes, Clone-Trooper?"

"We should've let Hinata get the Flo Flo no Mi."

"Agreed, Clone-Trooper."

"Ship bearing sixty-two degrees!"

"Bearing ship-"

"Not us, you idiot! Looks to be a brigantine, sir! And they're flying the-"

A boom echoed in the mist.

"They've fired on us, sir!"

"Fiction Release: Protego no Jutsu!"

"They're flying the Jolly Roger, sir!" Naruto told Naruto as the ball impacted against the sp-jutsu.

"Pirates!" the Clone Captain growled.

"Shields at forty-three percent!" Clone Science Guy reported. "Sir, we can't take another hit!"

An armada of eerily creature-like ships floated through the mist, womaned by hundreds of identical, bandaged, blue-haired women.

"We are the Rei. Lower your shields and surrender your weapons. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Resistance is futile."

"Then we'll hit them first!" the Clone Captain crossed his fingers and quickly made a weak clone. "Disperse and tell the others!"

"There, see? Good as new! I told you're I'd fix the- pirates!" Naruto suddenly growled. "I hate pirates. The only thing I hate more than pirates is-"

A ginormous sword flew through the air and slammed into the ship's deck.

"-nukenin." Naruto glared at the rough man that appeared beside the sword. He subtlely taunted him with his hands. I see your schwartz is as big as mine!

The nukenin scowled. "Lies! No man's schwartz is as big as mine!"

"Wait, what?" Naruto blinked. He tried again. Your kiss is soft! Ponderous death in my sight!

The man ripped his blade out of the deck. "Boy, I will cut you!" he said, pointing the sword at Naruto.

"Bring it on, mummy-face!"

Hinata watched gleefully as Naruto went hammer and tongs with the nukenin. Her byakugan gave her a wonderful view of that action, and-

"Oh, hello!" She patted the spot beside her. "Would you like a seat? They haven't started losing their clothes yet, but I have faith in Naruto's destructive capabilities."

"..." the young ninja quietly sat down beside her.

"So, I'm assuming the masked ruffian is yours?"

Haku started. Hinata continued on easily. "I must admit, that is a tempting proposition, but black hair doesn't really do it for me. I see ever so much of it in my family, you see. Still, there is something to be said for the dark, rough type..."

Anko plopped down beside them. "So who wants to take bets?"

"On Naruto?"

"Are you kiddin'? On whether him and Gruff bond."

"I should think that would make Nin-san here jealous."

"Psht, if Blondie's competition, then Girlie here's already out of the running."

"I am a boy!" the quiet ninja exclaimed.

"What? No way!"

"You didn't know?" Hinata asked innocently.

"Dude looks like virgin princess!"

"Well, you can see why he might be worried. After all, Naruto-kun is quite the catch."

"But I'm straight!"

Hinata stopped. "You're what?"

Anko burst out laughing.

"B-but the voice! And clothes! And make-up!" Hinata sputtered.

"What, I cannot wear something that looks good simply because a female wears it?" Haku replied scathingly. "Perhaps you ought to be wearing a skirt, hmm? It would not do to have a woman wearing men's clothes!"

Anko cackled. "She's got you there, kiddo!"

Hinata harumphed and turned back to the fight.

By now, Naruto had thrown off all pretense of polite conversation. "I spit on your mother's pantry!" he shouted, loosing three hundred loogies at once.

"Your mother cost more than your entire education!" Zabuza retaliated, using kawarimi to replace himself with Naruto. "And I did her for a nickel!"

"Your ancestors were radioactive fish!"

"Yours mated with hay-stacks- Dick Thrust no Jutsu!"

The observing nin had to cover their eyes, and Naruto barely escaped by sacrificing one of his clones.

"Art of the Second Resort:" he cried,"Dance of Taunts!"

This one caught the kunoichis' attention.

"Sh-shouldn't we do something?" Haku asked, still recovering from his master's technique.

"You're right!" Anko exclaimed. "Hinata?"

"Dotun: Mud Pit no Jutsu!"

"I don't have enough bleach this time..." Haku cried.
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