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Trading Kids

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Summary: Someone let this kitten, Anko, get her mittens, on three little genins newb...

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Anime > NarutojoshlamontFR15913,780148732,5822 Dec 118 May 12No

Hey, sand and mime!

As always, nothing is owned!

Konahamaru raced through the streets as fast as he could. Aniki was back! He’d tried so hard to snuggle himself away on aniki’s boat, but their sensei had something called Brat Detection no Jutsu that let her kick him out no matter where he hid. Even in that top cupboard with all the old spice packets that nobody ever checks!

He’d sworn vengeance and immediately set out to train for weeks and weeks, at least two. But then he got hungry and had to come in around noon. And then his sensei found him and talked and talked for hours and by that time it was dark and he had to go home for supper. He set out way early in the morning, like, before school even started, and even had a distraction to knock the truant ninja off his tail, but then they used the nin-dogs to track his stink bombs to him and he had to scram. Truly, the life of a ninja was fraught with peril!

Anyway, that was ages ago, and he’d finally found a sweet spot to train in the secret ninja arts his aniki had imparted to him. It was this super-awesome place where steam billowed up everywhere and you had to practice water-walking to hide in it so nobody saw you naked when you screwed up. An’ apparently training there was like, adult level, ‘cause he only ever saw lotsa women. Well, and this weird old man with crazy hair, but he ignored the dude. Obviously he was woo-woo.

Konohamaru’d trained there for ages, and now that Naruto-aniki was back he could totally show him how awesome he’d got! That was until he slammed into this weirdo wearing make-up in a cat suit.

Kakashi’s day had gone from bad to behold, the time for murderous vengeance is nigh. First, he spilt milk on his brand new premium gold-platinum copy of Icha Icha Madness. Then, when he went down to the bookstore, he discovered his precious Icha Icha shelves had been replaced with Murdernation: Ninja vs. Renegade, some crap about an idiot who swooped in to save a town after escaping the slave-pits of an evil empire. Even worse, he discovered the new upcoming Icha Icha: Icha movie had been dropped into favor of a serialized Murdernation television show!

It was about this point that he heard Naruto had returned. Perfect, he thought, someone to talk it out on.

He vanished in a swirl of leaves and reappeared just behind the main entrance to the mission hall. He’ll never suspect an attack such an obvious hiding spot! Kakashi thought, clinging against the wall.

“DESK WEENY!” Anko cried, smashing through the side of the building. She paused when she thought she’d heard a pitiful moan, but then the desk weeny’s senbon were there and wrapped in explosive notes. “HaHA, like you could catch me with those!” she cackled as she leapt to the ceiling. The senbon detonated when they hit the rubble below. Strange, she could swear she heard a cry that time. Oh, well. Those kunai weren’t blocking themselves!

“That wall is coming out of your pay,” the desk ninja stated calmly, whipping off her belt. She straightened it with a single crack and lanced it at Anko, who poofed into a log. The log then exploded and peppered the hall with sharp splinters.


Everyone froze.

The desk ninja slowly stalked forward. “Did you just send fire near the records?” she asked softly.

Anko swallowed nervously. “No…? It was really more of a heated wood kinda deal, y’know… er… the not fire kind?”

Seconds ticked away at an achingly slow rate.

The kunoichi nodded sharply. “See that it isn’t.” She turned and started walking back toward her desk. “You finished your mission, I assume?”

“Er, yeah, one Magu Magu no Mi, as, ah, requested.”

“Excellent.” The kunoichi straightened her files. “Place the fruit in the holding field to my right, sign here, here, and here, and tell the med-nin Kakashi needs their attention. You will be paid the standard A-rank pay for a mission in hostile territory with hazard pay for enslavement and torture and a bonus for toppling a corrupt regime.” Her eyes glinted. “When and if we find a use for the fruit.”

Anko gaped. “How did- when did you-” She turned to her genin. “Did you…?”

“Please.” The kunoichi adjusted her glasses. “I may have to deal fools like you all day, but I still have time to read a novel.”

“Oh,” Hinata gasped softly, blushing as she covering her mouth.

“Huh?” Anko grunted in confusion.

“The Hokage wishes to see you once you’ve finished cogitating,” the kunoichi said, turning back to her work. “As he simply requested you, I highly suggest you release your genin to shower. They are…” she wrinkled her nose. “Quite pungent.”

“Hey!” Anko protested. “I’m not that slow, and- hey!”

“As you say.” The kunoichi stamped a file and charged the seal with her chakra.

“Hey, that looks kinda like what I useta use for my boxers!” Naruto exclaimed.

Everyone paused.

“This seal makes the file unalterable,” the desk ninja said blankly.

“Ninja wedgies,” Naruto said firmly. “Never take any chances.”

Konahamaru bounced back several feet. “Ack! Sor- whoa! A mime!”

The catsuit mime scowled. “That hurt, you brat.”

“A mime that can talk!” Dollar signs chachinged in his eyes. “Double!

The mime’s eyes narrowed. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Konahamaru’s finger shot out. “You! You can talk! I’ll bet the bounty is double on talking mimes!”

The mime snatched Konahamaru up. “What did you call me?” he snarled.

“This one is tough! Konahamaru Corps, Pattern Delta!”

Silence. The wind blew a leaf across the street.

“Konahamaru Corps, Pattern Delta!

A woodpecker started tapping on a tree somewhere.

“I hate midgets,” the mime growled. “Especially younger ones-”

“Everybody knows that!” Konahamaru yelled. “Who do you think put the bounty on mimes, huh?!”

“Shut up!” the mime shouted. “You-”

“No, you shut up!”

“No, you shut up!”

“Shut up!”

“I said shut up!”

“So did I!”

You shut up!”

“No, you-”


The two froze.

That-” a voice rasped. “Was the sound of thirteen metric tons of sand moving two millimeters at supersonic speeds.”

They both turned their heads slowly.

Sand swirled into a body and then washed away to reveal a red-headed stepchild who didn’t get no sleep.

“The both of you,” the boy said in a dead voice, “Will shut up.

They nodded frantically. The mime quickly put Konahamaru down and patted his head, while Konahamaru straightened out the mime’s catsuit and lightly dusted it.

“THAT WAS SO COOL!” Naruto exclaimed, suddenly beside the temperamental redhead.

Aniki! ” Konahamaru exclaimed.

“Hey, brat!” Naruto said. “Hey, guys did you see that? Wasn’t that like the coolest thing you’ve ever seen?!”

“A-ano, i-it was quite impressive, Naruto-kun,” Hinata stuttered gently.

“What? Hina-chan, what’sa matter?”

Hinata flinched. “N-nothing, it’s just-”

YOU.” Anko’s finger shot out at the redhead. “I want you!

Cool!” Naruto exclaimed, “He’d be so awesome on our team!”

“On your team?” a blonde girl exclaimed, walking up. “What the hell do you mean by that?”

“I feel the need to point out that Konaha team standards limit us to three people.” Shino adjusted his glasses. “Are you suggesting a trade, Mitarashi-san?”

“Exactly!” Anko declared heroically.

Shino sighed. “Very well. I shall-”

“HINATA!” Anko said, “You have performed well and above and beyond the line of duty, finding the best bars, the best beds, making us buku money and keeping Naruto’s wandering eye busy with your sexy body! I see myself in you, sometimes, and not in a dirty way, though come see me if you’re free in ten years. SO! In line with that, I now promote you to TEAM LEADER and assign you to the TEAM STICK-UP-OUR-ASS from the SAND! Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to remove the stick from their ass. Make no mistake, it will be a difficult, treacherous, and sometimes downright barbaric mission, but should you succeed, I believe you ready for the next phase in our plans to TAKE O-”

“Sensei!” Hinata hissed as she snapped to attention. Her eyes jerked over toward Naruto meaningfully.

Anko shot a quick glance to the side. “Oh. Right. Sorry. Forgot he doesn’t- ahem. I believe you will be ready for- whatever coincidental events might happen in the future! DO YOU ACCEPT?

“I do!” Hinata snapped off a sharp salute. “And I shall not fail!”

“That’s my girl!” Anko purred.

“Wait, what?” the blonde sputtered. “Are you guys crazy? You can’t just- what are you- Gaara, say something!”

“Yeah!” the mime said, “And I take exception to being considered part of Team Stick Up Our Ass! I’m more of an adjunct advisory-” He hissed as the blonde’s foot dug into his ankle.

Gaara’s eyes slid over the teams, and then into the air. He watched as a paper fluttered down and snatched it gently with his sand.

“According to this…” he said, reading it slowly, “…”

He silently walked over to Naruto’s team, stopping briefly as he passed Hinata. “If they give you any trouble,” he said quietly, “I suggest you try to kill them. That usually works.”

“Ah…” Hinata floundered, trying to think of something equally useful. “Don’t let Naruto eat chili ramen, no matter what he says, unless you’re planning to attack someone.”

Gaara nodded and passed as Hinata made her way over to Team Suoa.

“Let me see that!” the blonde girl spat, swiping the paper off the ground. “…it… it really says that swapping teams is legal. What the bleeping hell?

“Huh, really?” Anko asked, leaning over the blonde’s shoulder. “Oh.” In all fairness, the last time she saw that notice, it was scribbled on the back of a bar napkin and taped into a law-book as a gag justification for her team. She hadn’t realized anyone was stupid enough to take it seriously. (And they weren’t; it’s just that causing shit like this was the Hokage’s prime-time entertainment.)

She shunshined over to her team cackling madly. “Alrighty, Horsemen- MOUNT UP!”

“Horsemen?” Naruto exclaimed. “Nee-chan, I’ve never even seen a horse! Though I think I’ve had some…” he added thoughtfully.

“Never mind that! We are now Team HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE! You’re War, Sandy’s Famine, Buggy’s Pestilence, and I’m Death!”

Naruto scratched his head. “I dunno, I still don’t think we can be horsemen without horses…”


Hinata turned back to her new teammates after Team HORSEMEN left and smiled weakly. “Well… I guess we’d better get to know each other. I-I’m Hinata; I like Naruto, hanging out with Naruto, and having Naruto on those sweet, sweet nights of wild abandon. I dislike fighting, unfairness, and mean people. My hobbies are Naruto, and supporting Naruto. My ambition is to make Naruto worl- ah, Hokage.”

“What the hell?” the mime exclaimed. “The putz’s just a dumb blonde!”

Hinata’s smile suddenly became… sweeter. “Oh. I forgot to mention one other thing I dislike…”


Kankuro groaned as he just... laid on the ground. What the f***ing hell? Who the f*ck used their ****ing ***** to **** someone up like that?!

A blurry face interrupted his nice, pleasant very of the sky.

"So. I hear you don't like midgets."


"The name's Schwartz, Killer Schwartz," responded Killer Schwartz. "My friends call me Killer Schwartz but my enemies call me…Killer Schwartz."


The End?

You have reached the end of "Trading Kids" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 8 May 12.

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