Along Came the Intro
This was inspired by Eddie's Team Anko
, but none of us own anything. Especially not Naruto. But then, who could?
"And Team Seven will be Haruno Sakura, Uzumaki Naruto, and Uchiha Sasuke, headed up by... Mitarashi Ank-?
"Kiddos, I'm hoooome!"
A violet-haired woman smashed through the window and skidded to halt. "Now where's mah little minis?"
Iruka blinked. "Anko? You're their jounin-sensei? I thought Kakashi was doing it!"
"Eh, ran into him near the dango stand. He bribed me with a couple sticks, said it couldn't be too hard." She waved him off. "Enough of that, where's my twerps?"
"Er..." Iruka looked down at the list again. "Haruno Sakura, Uzumaki Naruto, and Uchiha Sasuke."
"Right," Anko nodded. "Who are they again?"
Iruka palmed his face and sighed. "Her, him, and him."
"Ah. Cherry, Broody, and Loudmouth-"
"-got it! Hm..." Anko walked up to Sasuke and peered at his face. "Wait a minute..."
She glanced up. "Hey, Iruka, this one's defective, gimme another one!"
" Sasuke barked.
"You..." Anko paused dramatically. "Are a douche. No offense to your kind, but we don't really get along. Kurenai, gimme one of yours!"
"Aw, com'on, pleeeease?"
"Anko, I am not going to help you build your invincible army of doom. At least not for free."
"I'll give you my last dango..."
"Foo. Now what...? Hm..."
"AH! IT IS THE YEARLY DISPERSAL OF OUR YOUTHFUL GENIN!" a deep voice boomed from the window.
"Gai-sensei..." the young kunoichi with her hair done up in buns eyed her teacher doubtfully. "What are we doing here?"
The man puffed his chest out. "I saw the most unyouthfully broken window and thought we might assist! Neji! Use that wondrously efficient cleaning ninjutsu you were taught in the spring of your maturity!"
Neji growled. "It is an abominable perversion of the Hyuuga arts."
"Neji! We are all NIN! The fire of this village! Our duty- no, our RESPLENDENT PLEASURE is to serve!"
The white-eyed boy muttered and fell into a stance. He made a face. "Eight Trigrams Sixty-Four Palms: Glass Removal
Anko watched Neji's palms blast the remaining shards of glass out of the windows. "AHA! Gai! Trade me Eyes for Broody here!"
"Wait a minute!" Sakura exclaimed, "You can't just trade us around like cards!"
"Sure I can!"
"What kind of sensei are you?!"
"The smart kind!"
"Your offer is most intriguing, Anko-san!" Gai boomed, "But I love my precious genin too much to give one up!"
"Yeah, but Sasuke burns with the fire of youth, too," Anko said. "Watch- Sasuke, look, a mime!"
" Sasuke whirled around. "Katon: Mime-roast no Jutsu!
Gai's body shook. "....YOSH! SASUKE-CHAN, I SHALL TAKE YOU ON AS MY APPRENTICE! Together, we shall rid the world of MIMES AND INJUSTICE!"
Sasuke blinked. "Wait, what? What just happened?"
Neji's eyes, if at all possible, became even flatter. "And so a member of the branch family is dumped like so much trash. How expected."
Gai slapped a hand on his shoulder. "Neji-kun, I fully believe you will bloom under the tutelage of such a lovely nova as Anko-san. She holds within her heart the burning passion of youth, and an indomitable will that not even He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named could crush!"
" Naruto exclaimed. "She fought Voldemort?!"
"Don't be ridiculous!" Sakura snapped.
"Actually..." a new voice drawled from the window, "If one considers the snakes, the pale skin, the immortality fetish, that disturbing similarity to Jack-san Mikal-san..."
Anko had started scowling but was grinning by the time the ninja had finished. "That's right kid! I fought Mich-er, Lord Voldemort! Lit his scrawny pale ass on fire. True story!"
"Idiot!" Sakura growled. "She's-"
"Unfortunately, the creep's got like nine lives- only really six, because he had seven horcruxes and I destroyed one by shoving it-"
"Kakashi, it's a surprise to see you here!" Kurenai broke in, speaking to the ninja in the window. Anko pouted. "We were under the impression that you traded off with Anko, here?"
"Well, I'd originally intended to just come and gloat at you suckers, but the little gremlin came up with such a perfect opening I couldn't resist."
"Love you too, Dog-san," Naruto smirked.
"Bite me, street-rat," Kakashi deadpanned, giving Naruto the ANBU bird. "You're legal now. I dare you to try something."
"Wait, wait, wait-" Anko interrupted. "Gremlin? Street-rat? This is the kid? The fox brat? The one that left Yugao in a hundred-gallon drum of syrup?"
"Hey, that was an accident!" Naruto protested. "She was supposed to just knock it over when she tripped and pour it onto that Lizard asshole in the feather bin!"
" Anko broke down laughing.
"I don't know whether to be awed or dismayed by the scope of your planning." Kurenai commented.
"I prefer to go with... motivated,
" Kakashi said, staring down at Naruto.
Naruto chuckled nervously.
"Ne, Dog-san- I'm a ninja now, right? You can't do anything to me because of anything I may or may not have been theoretically
peripherally implicated in, right?"
"There are an awful lot of big words in that sentence that don't actually mean anything," Kakashi replied tonelessly.
"Nah, nah..." Anko snickered, recovering, "The kid's mine. Besides, I have it on good authority that you liked the results of that one, Dog-san
Kakashi kept his eye on Naruto. I'm watching you,
his hands flashed.My bologna throbs.
Kakashi's eye widened.
"Wait-" Naruto said, wrinkling his nose and running through the hand-signs again, "I don't think I got that last one right."
"Anyway," Anko said, turning to Neji. "I really just wanted to swap you for mouse girl over there. I figure Kurenai'll be more amenable since you've got that awesome Hyuuga hand dance going on and Hinata hasn't leveled up yet."
"Pawning the lesser Hyuuga off for the heir?" Neji asked bitterly.
"Nah," Anko said cheerfully. "Her dad's an asshole, so I figure she's gonna get sealed down any day, now. You're just kind of a tool!"
"And after a comment like that, what makes you think I'm any more likely to let Hinata go to you?
" Kurenai asked.
"Are you kidding?" Anko exclaimed. "Look at who I've got!" Somebody set up us the bomb.
"Dammit!" Naruto shouted, untwisting his fingers from unnatural positions.
"Naruto-baka!" Sakura cried. She belted him across the room, sure he'd just made some sort of obscene gesture.
"I am," Kurenai said dryly.
"You're right, there's something missing." Anko propped her knee up on a desk. "Let me think, let me think... think, think, think... ah
! Asuma! Give me your lazy-ass!"
Asuma held his hands up. "I'm staying out of this," he said, taking a drag.
"Aw, come on! I'll give you Cherry here!"
" Sakura squawked.
"Come on, old man, you've already got a mind-trapper, you don't need another type! And Cherry here might be crazy, but it's 'coz she's a mind-trap."
"Wait, what?" Sakura blinked.
Asuma took another drag. "What she said. What?"
"Her mind's like an alley-way. Some sneaky-ass mind-tripper walks in thinking he's gonna rob him some bum, only bam,
there's two bums, and the other one lays him out flat from behind! Then they rifle through his pockets and set his coat on fire. Like with mimes."
"Katon: Mime-roast no Jutsu!
Anko snickered while Lee ran around screaming. "Couldn't resist."
"MY FIRES OF YOUTH BURN WITH AGONY!"
"How did you know about the second bum- I mean, me?" Sakura asked.
Anko rolled her eyes. "She only shouts out any time you have a thought bubble, Cherry."
Naruto blinked. "Oh, hey, Anko-nee-chan, you see those, too?"
"How else'dja think I knew Sasuke was a douche, kid?"
"Ah." Naruto nodded wisely.
"A mind trap, hrm?" Asuma mused.
"Oh, kami, Asuma-sensei, please?
" Ino begged. "We won't get anything done with lazy-ass around."
"That... is probably true," Shikamaru said, shifting to a more comfortable napping position.
"Fine," Asuma said. "But only if you two work together."
" Ino exclaimed, her eyes sparkling. "Now get up and go over there!" she snapped, kicking Shikamaru out of his seat. "Lazy-ass!"
"I'm going, I'm going," Shikamaru muttered, rubbing his back. "Geez! Troublesome..."
"Okay, Nai-chan, double or nothing!" Anko said. "I'll trade you Eyes and Lazy-ass for Mouse and Bugs. That gets you a tracker, a trapper, and a handy head-whapper. The trifecta of nabbing. Combined with your genjutsu, you guys could be like the ultimate nin-carcerators!"
Kurenai winced at the pun. "And you?"
"I get the three great aspects of me! Awesome, Freaky, and Silent!"
"H-hey!" Hinata exclaimed softly. “You sh-shouldn't talk about Shino-san that way!"
"I was talking about you, Mouse-freak." Anko leered at her. "It's always the quiet ones..."
"Wait, you're not silent..." Naruto petered off confusion. "AhH!
" he yelped when something licked his neck.
"Awesome, freaky, and silent,
" Anko purred in his ear. "But loud so they never expect it."
Naruto stared at her in wonder. "Awesome...
"Soooo, whatcha say, Nai-chan?"
Kurenai sighed. "If it's what they want. Hinata? Shino?"
Hinata blushed. "A-ano... that is... if you don't mind..."
Shino adjusted his glasses. "I have no preference. Uzumaki is neither better nor worse than Inuzuka-san."
Naruto grinned as he bent his fingers again. "Thanks! I think..." All your base are belong to us.