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The Author as a Lesbian - Season 1

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This story is No. 1 in the series "The Author as a Lesbian". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: The first season. No true pairings at this point.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Daria(Current Donor)DeacBlueFR181431,67951010,2305 Dec 115 Dec 11Yes

Episode Two

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters are owned by Glenn Eichler and MTV; no infringement is intended, and no money is being made. Also, close paraphrasing and some verbatim use from various episodes, again, no infringement intended.

Jane walked over to Daria, who was sitting on Jane's bed while looking through her sketchbook. They had managed to get out of the self-esteem class, though at the cost of having to be in a schoolwide assembly, which they both felt to be a fair trade. "These are really good, Jane," she said, looking up. "I didn't know you studied life drawing."

"Yeah, last summer."

Daria stopped at a page and said, "You're really bursting out of the picture plane here." They both smiled at the wording used by Ms. DeFoe, their art teacher, earlier that day.

"Oh, yeah. That particular model was quite bursty. I think she had her bursts done," Jane said with a snort.

"Speaking of which... Brittany invited me to her party." Daria blushed slightly.

"No kidding. So 'bursty's your thing? I have to warn you, she's dating the quarterback, who likes bursts himself." Jane winked.

"Um, no." Daria was blushing a deeper tint of red. "Brittany's sweet and all, but when it comes to my - so far non-existent - partner's physical attributes, I prefer slender, even willowy girls, though I'm attracted to some athletic types, as well, and... I just gave you soo much ammunition, didn't I?"

"Oooh, yeah." Jane covered up her wide smile with her hand.

"I hate you," Daria said as she glared.

"So, are you going?"

"Sure. And after that, I think I'll swallow glass. Why? Do you want to go?" Daria lifted her eyebrow.

"Oh, no, I'd much rather stay home and listen to my brother practice the opening to 'Come as You Are.' I bet I could get some great sketches there..."

"Well, I'm sure there'll be plenty of people posing. If you want to go, just make believe you're me. When you're popular, all unpopular people look alike anyway."

Jane thought for a while and then took Daria's glasses off, putting them on her own face. "Hi, I'm Daria. Go to hell. Unless you're a hot chick." She took the glasses off and handed them back. "Won't work, my face is too expressive."

"Tell Daria she can't go to Brittany's party. My popularity is at stake." Quinn fumed at the dinner table.

Daria leaned forward and let out a "Hmm." When it seemed that her mom was about to say something, she held up her hand and said, "Hold it, Quinn. Not that I care about your popularity or anything, but you're saying that it would take a hit because you have an unpopular sister around, right?"

"Yeah, and -" Quinn was stopped by her sister's hand.

"But that doesn't make any sense, since you've told the whole school that you're an only child, how could I have any effect on your popularity?"

"You - they - Auugh!" Quinn put her hands on the table.

"I think it's great that you two are going to be spending time together," Helen said. "Dad and I would be happy to drive you to the party and pick you up."

"No!" was chorused from both girls.

"Thanks, but I'll find some other way to get there." Quinn said as she got up and left.

Helen turned to Daria. "Daria, I'd like it if you'd keep an eye on Quinn at this party."

"I don't know what I did, but it couldn't have been that bad."

"I mean it. And she doesn't have to know about it."

Daria sighed. She could fight it, but - "I'll take that as a ringing declaration of parental approval."

"Just the way it was intended, sweetheart."

Jane and Daria waved at the blue car as it drove off, a, "don't do anything I wouldn't do," wafting back to them on the wind. Jane turned to Daria and said, "So, that's my brother Trent. The only other one of the Lanes that hasn't headed for the hills."

Daria smirked, and as they headed for the guard house, said, "That might have something to do with the fact that the hills would crumble if he sang in them."

As they came up to the gate, Daria told the guard, "We're here for Brittany Taylor's party."

He nodded and checked his clipboard. "Names?"

"Daria Morgendorffer," Daria said, suddenly very aware that Jane had wrapped their arms together.

"Okay, and you? What's your name?" The guard asked Jane.

"I'm Tiffany, but I don't know if I'll be on there. I'm Daria's date!" Jane said brightly, laying her head on Daria's shoulder. "She didn't ask me until this afternoon. Isn't that right, sugarplum?"

Daria muttered, "Um, yeah, right."

The guard looked at his checklist. "Tiffany Hodge, Tiffany Duke, Tiffany Fairchild or Tiffany Blum-Deckler?"

"None of those. I'm Tiffany...Quinn. And I'd really like my honey here to show me a good time tonight..." Jane trailed off as she kissed Daria's cheek, by now beet red. "Can we go?"

"Um - er - Oh, hell. Get outta here," said the guard, now with a goofy grin on his face.

"I hate you," Daria muttered as they walked, arm in arm, down the road to Brittany's.

"Just as long as you wipe the lipstick off your cheek."

After a short walk, they came to the Taylor residence and rang the doorbell. Soon, Brittany opened the door. "Daria, you're here. I'm so glad. Now we're even!" she exclaimed.

Daria nodded and gestured to her companion. "This is Jane. She wasn't invited, but she's good in art."

"But I have you for that." Brittany put her finger to her lips, then turned to Jane. "Hmm... what do you know about geometry?"

Jane smiled. "Lots of circles, squares and triangles."

"Wow! Come on in!" Brittany escorted both girls in, none of them noticing Quinn hiding behind one of the tigers.

They were at the snack table, commenting on the selection ("Wow. two kinds of chips." "Flat or Ridgy, you make the call."), when, suddenly, an arm draped over each of their shoulders.

"Hi, Chuck Ruttheimer here, and you are?"

They both looked back to see a lanky boy with curly red hair right behind them. Jane had opened her mouth, when Daria beat her to it. "The person who will kick your kneecaps off if you're still touching me in five seconds." She seemed ready to go further when Jane put her hand on Daria's shoulder.

"I thought we were here to have fun," she said. "And as much fun as it would be to see him writhing on the floor, I'll take the enjoyment of watching him bother other people over having to talk to the police all night." She looked up at the boy. "As far as that goes, Upchuck, how'd you wangle an invite?"

He looked down. "I dissected her frog for her." As one, the two girls turned and walked away.

Later, once they had made it down to the main room, (and Daria had stopped to tell Quinn's dates just how much she loved her sister) Jane looked around, then said softly to Daria, "Those guys are looking at us."

"Oh, Joy." was the reply.

"Hey, the one in the green shirt is cute... in a head-too-big-for-his-body kind of way."

Daria's eyebrow shot up.

"I hate you," Jane said, then turned as the boys came up.

"Hey. Partying hard or hardly partying?" the first guy said.

"Hardly interested," Daria shot back.

The second guy, not discouraged, made his sally. "So... where you girls been all our lives?"

Daria sighed and crossed her arms. "Waiting here for you. We were born in this room, we grew up in this room, and we thought we would die here... alone. But now you've arrived, and our lives can truly begin," she said as she rolled her eyes.

The first guy went up to Jane. "I'm Bobby. Wanna go to the laundry room?"

Daria turned to Jane. "But I thought you were my date, Tiffany."

Jane smirked. "True. Oh, well, sorry, guys." She linked her arm in Daria's as they both walked off. "Ready to go?"

"I was ready to go before we got here."

As they walked down the street, Jane bumped Daria. "So, have fun?"

Daria bumped back. Well, I didn't talk to a whole bunch of new people, I made Quinn want to throw herself down a well, and I got a date with a girl." She smiled softly. "All in all, a great night."

They had just reached the gatehouse when several police cars passed them. "Damn," Daria said.


"Those cops are heading towards Brittany's. Quinn's still there, and I promised to keep an eye on her. Let's hang here, and hope she has the sense to get out of Dodge."

About ten minutes later, with fists clenched, Quinn stomped her way to them, her shoes squeaking and squishing water. "Don't ask," she said. "Do you guys have a ride home?"

"What happened to your fan club?"

"They beat each other up. It was kind of... what's that thing, when stuff turns out funny? Moronic."

Daria smirked. "You mean- nah, it works either way."

Quinn looked up. "You want to call Mom and Dad?"

"And shift the balance of power?" Daria shook her head. "We walk." Just as she finished those words, Upchuck drove up in his pimpmobile.

"You ladies in need of a knight in shining armor?" smarmed Upchuck.

"Can we just take the armor and ditch the knight?" Jane said, grinning.

"Hey, it's a package deal, toots."

"All right," Daria said as they got in. "But no tour guide tonight."
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