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Haunted Houses

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This story is No. 14 in the series "Wishlist 2011". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Teal'c wants to visit a Haunted House. The Scoobies are in Colorado Springs for a 'school trip'. What are the odds of them meeting up? Or of them meeting a vampire?

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > General > Theme: HumorMissEFR1311,8381214,02616 Dec 1116 Dec 11Yes
Prompt/Prompter: lj user: twisted_slinky; Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Stargate SG1 [Scoobies/SG1]; Either Teal'c or Vala (take your pick of alien-born buddy/seasonal setting) wants to see a haunted house and talks some of their team into taking them off base. As it turns out, it's not all make-up and fake blood. Buffy-related high jinks ensue.

Warnings: er… Paper-thin excuses?

Notes: Set Halloween Season 3 (no actual Halloween episode, and they could feasibly have fitted in a quick 'school trip'.)

Disclaimer: Don’t own or claim rights to Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Stargate SG1


“I wish to see this thing you call a ‘Haunted House,’” Teal’c announced.

“Now?” Jack asked, surprised.

“Is it not the seasonal festival you call ‘Halloween?” Teal’c asked. “Is this not the time for Haunted Houses?”

“Well,” Jack drawled, “it’s not really a season thing. It’s more of a side-show kind of thing. Though I guess they would have one or two set up for Halloween,” he added.

“Is it possible to attend?” Teal’c asked.

Jack looked at the rest of his team, and shrugged. “I guess so.”

“Then I would like to attend, O’Neill,” Teal’c intoned gravely.


“‘Let’s go to Colorado,’ she says, ‘it’ll be fun,’ she says, ‘there’s absolutely nothing happening in Colorado,’ she says,” Xander grumbled as he ran.

“‘Dead horse is dead,’ she says,” Buffy shot back, ducking around the plastic skeleton, “‘so stop damn well beating it,’ she says.”

“To be fair,” Willow added between puffs, “Colorado Springs is notorious for being dead for the undead, let alone at Halloween.”

“And can we just say ‘jinx’ here?” Xander demanded, looking around. “I mean, it’s statistically the slowest place on the continental US for vamps, plus it’s Halloween, and we’re here: obviously the place is going to be overrun with vampires.”

“To be fair,” Willow nodded to Buffy, “he has a really good point.”

“Speaking of points,” Buffy muttered, “stake!”

Xander dived into his satchel and tossed his favourite Slayer a stake, which she deftly plunged into the vampire they’d been chasing. Said vampire vanished in a cloud of grave-dust which Buffy promptly batted away from her.

“Right,” Willow puffed as she caught up to the other two, “what’s next?”

“Well,” Buffy indicated with her stake, “there is the Haunted House over there.”

“Haunted House?” Xander scoffed. “Right. That’s so lame there has to be something wrong with it.”

“Maybe it’s another of those fear demons,” Willow suggested chirpily.

“That I could handle,” Buffy grinned.

“Yeah, but no taunting,” Xander reminded them. “Giles says it’s tacky.”

“Yeah, but Giles says using a teabag is tacky,” Buffy dismissed.

“Point,” Xander shrugged. “So… Haunted House?”

“Haunted House,” Buffy nodded.


“What is the reason for such things, O’Neill?” Teal’c asked as he looked around the foyer.

“Well, supposedly it’s to scare little kids,” Jack shrugged. “But really, I think it’s a chance for adults and near-adults to drink alcohol and be silly.”

Teal’c’s eyebrows shifted slightly downwards. “Indeed,” he intoned.

“Theoretically, it’s a chance to face your fears, and come out the other side a stronger person,” Daniel offered, eyeing the plastic spider sitting on a bed of supposed web. “But it is pretty much as Jack said. Get drunk, act silly, tease girls.”

“Tease girls?” Teal’c asked, eyebrow lifting slightly.

“They squeal,” Sam explained, making a face.

The door opened, and a young man walked in, looking over his shoulder instead of where he was going. “And I’m saying ‘bite me’ is probably not something you should be saying tonight, of all nights. It’s just tempting Murphy,” he explained.

The blonde following him snagged his shirt just in time to stop him from walking straight into Jack. He promptly turned around and blushed, apologising profusely.

Teal’c turned to Jack, and said, quite solemnly, “It would seem this young person also worships your god, Murphy.”

“Oh, no,” the young man shook his head urgently, “there is no worshipping of Murphy; that just makes him want to screw your life up even more!”

“Very true,” Jack nodded, trying to control his grin. “When it comes to Murphy, you just keep on walking. Don’t tempt him, don’t pay him any attention.”

“Finally,” the young man threw up his hands, “someone who understands!”

The blonde rolled her eyes then waved. “Hi. Guess we should introduce ourselves, since Xan, here, nearly walked right over you. I’m Buffy, this is Willow, and ‘See No People’ is Xander.”

Jack grinned, and bounced on his toes. “Hi, I’m Jack, and this is Sam, Danny, and Murray,” he introduced, indicating each in turn.

“I’m not sure I understand the reference,” Teal’c cocked his head. “What do you mean by ‘See No People?’”

Danny perked up. “Oh, that would be a reference to the three wise monkey?” he guessed. “Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil?”

Buffy beamed. “And a cookie for the smarty-pants. So, you here for the grand tour?”

“Yep,” Jack nodded. “Murray is still learning some of our customs, and wanted to see a Haunted House, so here we are.”

“Cool,” Xander grinned. “We’re on kind of a school trip, and, well, Halloween, so here we are.”

“Well, maybe you can help us show Murray, here, what Haunted Houses are all about,” Jack suggested.

Willow and Xander looked at Buffy, who looked back at them, wide-eyed. There was a brief non-verbal conversation then Buffy smiled and nodded. “Sure. What could go wrong?”

“Buffy!” Willow and Xander hissed in unison.

“You shouldn’t say things like that,” Jack smirked. “We might get vampires jumping out at us.”

“Yeah,” Xander laughed, though it seemed tinged with desperation, “‘cause everyone knows vampires don’t exist.” He finished that with a glare at Buffy.

Sam frowned at Jack, who was frowning at the kids. There was something off about their responses. Still, it wasn’t like anything like that was going to happen. Now if a Goa’uld happened to jump out at them, he wouldn’t be surprised, given Buffy’s little gaffe. Pissed, but not surprised.

“So,” Buffy chirped, “Haunted House is a go!”


Teal’c leaned forward to examine the bowl of … “What is this?”

Xander leaned forward to have a look. “Oh. Peeled grapes,” he nodded. “Apparently you blindfold the girl, stick her hand in it, and tell her it’s eyeballs.”

“Why?” Teal’c asked, puzzled.

“So they’ll squeal and go ‘ew’ and jump in your arms,” Xander nodded certainly.

Teal’c gazed at the young man, disapproval evident in his serene expression.

“Hey, don’t look at me,” Xander shrugged. “I don’t do that, I’m just explaining why other guys do it; you know, like jocks?”

“What are jocks?” Teal’c asked.

“Oh, uh, sports guys,” Xander grimaced. “Guys that do really well in sports, and are on a team or two, and pretty much get by in school because of how well they do at sports.”

“You do not like these … jocks?” Teal’c considered.

“Well, I’m not a sports-type guy,” Xander explained, “so the jocks pretty much see me as a target. Plus, they get it easy just because they’re good at sports. It just doesn’t seem fair,” he shrugged.

Teal’c nodded, and moved on to the next exhibition: chopped junket. “What is this?”

“Brains,” Xander moaned. “Well, you know, stick the girl’s hand in, and tell her she’s touching brains.”

“So she may squeal and jump into the boy’s arms?” Teal’c suggested.

“Now you’re getting it,” Xander grinned.

“Personally, I don’t like brains,” a new voice offered. “They get in my teeth.”

Xander spun to face the newcomer, and immediately backed into Teal’c. He tried to push the older man back, but was not currently successful. “Buffy!” he bellowed.

“Aw,” the vampire crooned, “you’re calling for seconds and I haven’t even started on my entrée yet: how kind of you.”

“If you will get out of my way, Xander, I will deal with this person for you,” Teal’c offered, frowning at the strange appearance of the new person.

“Yeah, not so much,” Xander muttered, reaching into his satchel for a spare stake. He was about to bellow for Buffy again, when she raced into the room.

The vampire spun. “Slayer,” he hissed. “You’re supposed to be in California.”

“Well, aren’t you in luck,” Buffy smirked. “I decided to take my show on the road. Unfortunately, my schedule’s pretty tight, so we’re going to have to wrap up the banter portion of this session, and get down to business. Tonight it’s a magic trick: now you see him,” she darted forward, stake out, “now you don’t,” she finished, watching his dust fall to the ground.

“What the hell was that?” Jack demanded.

Buffy stopped, and stared at the others for a moment, then smiled brightly. “That was the live action part of the Haunted House. After all, you can’t have a Haunted House without a vampire or two.”

“Ah, yeah,” Xander nodded. “Don’t worry, though: there’s no charge for the show.”

“Uh huh,” Jack grunted, folding his arms as a scowl settled into place. “Right, a show. Sorry, Xander, but I’ve heard calls for help before, and that one was real. Now you lot are going to tell me what the hell is going on here, and you’re going to do it right the hell now.”

“What do you want me to tell you?” Buffy demanded. “He was a vampire, I got him in the heart with my wooden stake, and – poof! – instant dust.”

“Don’t be silly,” Sam scoffed, “vampires don’t exist.”

“Oh, you got me,” Buffy rolled her eyes, “it’s all an elaborate ruse, complete with complex laser show just to fool you. After all, I was the only one to touch the ‘vampire’,” Buffy added, going out of her way to use air-quotes.

“Vampires don’t exist, sir,” Sam added firmly.

“Although, culturally, it was a good example of the myths,” Danny offered.

“A laser show,” Jack scoffed.

Willow raised a hand. “I’m pretty good with the technical side of things,” she offered meekly.

“Pretty good?” Xander grinned. “You’re the best.”

“And if you don’t mind, we’ve got more people to do the show for,” Buffy added, tapping her foot. “You know, people that might actually enjoy it?”

Jack stared at the little blonde for a long moment then sighed. “Fine. Well, if we’re finished here, how about we go home,” he suggested to his team.

“Beer and buffalo wings at your place?” Danny grinned.

“I’ll even spring for pizza,” Jack nodded.

“Can we watch Star Wars?” Teal’c inquired.

“We can even watch Star Wars,” Jack conceded.

“Sounds great,” Sam nodded, “let’s go.”

The three teens watched the four adults leave. “That was so close,” Xander breathed.

“I can’t believe we got away with it,” Buffy nodded, wide-eyed.

“Do you think Sunnydale Syndrome actually goes this far, or do we carry it around with us?” Willow considered.

“I think they’re just too smart for their own good,” Buffy frowned. “Which, you know, makes it easier on us.”

“Point,” Xander nodded. “So… Do you think there’s any more fang-faces in this place?”

Buffy sighed. “Better make sure.”

“Maybe they have chocolates at the end of the tour,” Willow suggested.

“Ooh,” Buffy cooed. “Chocolates.

The End

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