Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and The Dukes of Hazzard characters are the property of their original owners.
He was having so much fun tonight that the vampire couldn’t make up his mind on whether to stop right now and eat all the coppers who were chasing him, or keep on driving and watch their cars collide with each other in his rear-view mirror. Flashing every single fang in a delighted grin, the demon performed a skidding turn down a dimly-lit side road, with Spike not particularly caring where he was going, just as long as he could keep on enjoying himself in his stolen car.
Back in the pursuing law enforcements vehicles, other people weren’t so happy. Sheriff Roscoe Coltrane angrily yelled orders at the top of his lungs into the microphone he was tightly gripping. As he held onto the automobile dashboard with his other hand, the police car’s driver also swerved into the road their quarry had just taken. Giving a quick glance over his shoulder, the sheriff noted with satisfaction the headlights behind which showed his men were still faithfully following him in their own vehicles. Turning back to look ahead at the glowing rear red lights a hundred feet further on rushing down the side road, Roscoe had a quick change of mood while realizing something. He whooped with glee at finally getting a chance to catch those infernal Duke relatives now that they weren’t driving their usual speedy stock car.
“Yeah, ever’one, we’re gonna lay our hands on Luke and Bo this time, yessir! Y’all stay with me, men! Them rascals can’t possibly get away now!” And so on, and so on, while the sheriff continued to joyously babble into the car radio.
A few miles away, hidden behind Miz Ellie’s Diner, two young men stuffed full of fresh pecan pie were sprawled out on their backs side-by-side atop the General Lee’s hood. As the police scanner inside the car continued to broadcast an exultant sheriff’s voice, Lucas Duke and Beauregard Duke twisted their necks to look each other in the eye, both having identical confused looks on their handsome features.
Bo was the first to speak in his soft Southern accent, “What do you think, cousin?”
Luke tilted his head back to look straight up into the full moon shining brightly above in the cloudless night sky. After mulling it over for a few more moments, he casually shrugged, feeling the hard metal of the hood rub against his shoulder blades, before answering, “We better check it out. ‘Sides, it don’t feel right or proper, ol’ Roscoe chasin’ someone what ain’t us.”
Rolling off the hood to bounce up onto his shitkicker boots by the car, Bo beamed at his dark-haired relation, cheerfully agreeing, “Yep, kinda like havin’ your girl kissin’ somebody else.”
Getting to his own feet, Luke cocked a sardonic eyebrow at the other Duke there, who’d been enthusiastically chasing after every unattached pretty gal in Hazzard County for the last couple of years, before snorting, “Y’all should know, right?”
Bo merely thumbed his nose at Luke, right before this smirking blonde male made an expert entry feet-first through the driver’s side open window, plunking himself down in the seat and reaching with the same smooth movement for the ignition key. A quick twist of this caused the General Lee to start with a powerful roar of its overbuilt engine. Right after Luke had just as quickly gotten into the passenger seat, the orange 1969 Dodge Charger shot forward past the diner, leaving behind only an immense cloud of dust.
Several minutes later, Spike yelled in pure alarm when another car abruptly burst out in front of his own vehicle hurtling down the road. After smashing through the bushes lining the dirt lane, this other vehicle swerved dangerously until it straightened out and matched Spike’s speed. Now only a few feet ahead of him, the bright orange car was zooming forwards while staying in the middle of the road like it was on rails.
Savagely cursing, the vampire stomped on the gas pedal to ram into that bloody idiot ahead who was currently spoiling his fun. Unfortunately, in the very next instant, Spike had to hastily lift his foot off the accelerator, as both cars then entered a series of S-bends. Barely staying on the road, an undead Englishman’s vehicle skidded from one side of the road to the other, with Spike fighting for control of the wheel lest he humiliatingly crash into the trees and bushes lining the road and turn into a heap of flaming wreckage. To make it even more insulting, the other car was being driven by someone flawlessly taking all the curves in the dark at the highest possible speed, indicating they knew every inch of their home terrain.
Hunched over the steering wheel, Spike grimly concentrated on just how he was soon going to catch up with and then kill those sods in the other car as horribly as he could, using all his expertise that decades of torturing people had given this demon. Which meant the vampire hadn’t been paying attention to anything behind himself for the last couple of minutes.
During that time back there, Deputy Enos Strate shouted at his boss in the passenger seat, “Sheriff, the General Lee’s in front of the other car! I kin see ’em, easy!”
Roscoe looked totally flabbergasted, as he spluttered, “Well, then who in Sam Hill we been chasin’, anyway?”
Speedily taking a curve, Enos winced at the pained screeches from his tires, to then say in absolute exasperation, “Who the blazes cares? Listen, the Dukes know where they’re goin’, we
know where they’re goin’, but the other guy in between, he don’t know! How ‘bout for once, we just forget the whole thing and go watch what happens next?”
There was silence in the car for a moment, and the road became straight enough for the deputy to risk a quick peek at where the older man was sitting. There, a very wicked grin had appeared on the sheriff’s weathered features, as that man now chuckled evilly, “Enos, it don’t happen too often, but sometimes you act so sharp you gotta be keerful ’gainst cutting’ yourself. Hell, yes, we’ll do it!” Grabbing the car radio’s microphone again, Roscoe happily yelled into this communications device, “Boys, change of plans! Y’all keep your eyes peeled, and foller Enos when he takes the next turn!”
It ended up with the numerous headlights which had formerly been following Spike soon vanishing. This vampire didn’t notice at all, with his awareness totally fixed upon the car ahead, impatiently waiting for the first chance to overtake them. This happened shortly when the road permanently straightened out and then went uphill. Ramming both feet on the gas, Spike felt his ride rapidly accelerate and the distance between the two vehicles quickly shrank. By the time both autos went over the top of the hill almost together, they were going fast enough that these machines actually came off the road for a few seconds, until they dropped back to earth. During this, Spike had the chance to look over the roof of the other car, and the vampire’s eyes widened with pure horror at what was there only a few hundred yards ahead.
Previously, there’d been some sort of wooden bridge crossing the fifty-foot wide creek below, but it’d either been washed away or otherwise nearly completely destroyed. The only thing remaining now of this structure were the decaying stumps of both ends on either side of the waterway, with the nearest remnant sloping upwards in a crude ramp before it ended in thin air.
Spike recklessly shoved down on the brakes, desperate to stop before he shot right off the road into the creek. However, the car he’d been chasing didn’t slow down at all. Instead, it actually went even faster, aiming itself right at the inclined planks of what had formerly been a bridge. The vampire’s mouth dropped open in total shock, as he watched the orange car nimbly launch itself through the air in a graceful arc that covered the entire width of the creek. Successfully landing on the other end of the bridge, the Dodge Charger then slowed down on the dirt road there, to finally slew to a stop in a triumphant dust cloud.
At that exact point, Spike now realized there was no way he could come to a halt before going off the end of the bridge himself. There was clearly only one thing to do, so the vampire hurriedly stomped on the gas to give all the power he could manage to the engine, and in turn he drove straight at the makeshift ramp. Spike hit the incline, felt his car raise into the air-- And then he understood the ghastly truth as his ride descended, that it just hadn’t been enough.
With an immense splash that sent spray rising a hundred feet straight up, Spike’s vehicle dropped right into the middle of the creek.
About a half-mile away on Lookout Point, several lawmen standing on this hilltop in front of their parked cars whooped and guffawed at the tops of their lungs after watching it all in utter glee. Slapping his knee in delight, Sheriff Coltrane bellowed for the entire world to hear, “Dadgummit, it’s much funnier seein’ someone else do it this time instead of us!”
“You kin say that again, boss!” gasped Deputy Strate. Wiping away a tear of mirth, the police officer continued to gaze at the car resting in the creek, with water halfway up the sides of this automobile. Peering closer, this man then incredulously remarked to the others, “Say, boys, the durn thing’s floating away!”
As they all watched, it was indeed true. The flowing creek was pushing along the car and its occupant, who hadn’t made any move to escape. Thoughtfully scratching his chin, Roscoe mused, “That feller inside, if he ain’t been knocked senseless, he better get outta there quick. The dam’s only a couple miles downstream, so whoever was drivin’, he don’t have but mebbe a half-hour or so ‘fore that there car goes over the sluiceway. Well, boys, we might as well as mosey down and watch this, too.”
Just after everyone turned to get back into their police cars, Enos eagerly suggested, “Hey, guys, I hear Miz Ellie’s done baked a heap of her famous pecan pies. Why don’t we stop off there along the way, get a couple with whipped cream on ‘em, and eat the pies while we wait at the dam?”
Pausing to look approvingly over the hood of their vehicle, Sheriff Coltrane nodded, “Son, your brain’s been workin’ right fine tonight. That’s exactly what we’ll do!”
Back in the drifting car, while sullenly sitting in chest-deep water, Spike’s temper would’ve ordinarily exploded over hearing this casual discussion of the coming fate awaiting him, except his bad mood was already at record levels. There were two reasons for this:
One, a tiny catfish which had swum inside the car was beginning to investigate his groin.
Two, at the other side of the creek where the bridge had been, a pair of hairy male rears were proudly displayed in the silvery light from the nighttime orb on high. After getting out of the General Lee, both Bo and Luke had advanced to the edge of the rickety wooden structure, turned around, dropped their trousers and underwear, and mooned the latest defeated challenger to the Dukes of Hazzard.