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Utterly Deplorable

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Summary: Oneshot crackfic. Contains character deaths and one bad pun.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Literature > Chronicles of NarniaRebeccaAshlingFR1313440466728 Dec 1128 Dec 11Yes
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon and his corporate affiliates own "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". CS Lewis and his estate own the "Chronicles of Narnia". I own neither of these and am writing this for fun not profit.

 

Utterly Deplorable

 

Buffy found Xander crouched over Andrew's corpse, his hand covering Andrew's nose and mouth. "Xander! What the hell!"

 

Xander sighed. Buffy was too chicken-hearted to be the Slayer. Look what happened with Angelus. It took a man to make hard-headed decisions. "You heard the tweedly one at the Scooby meeting, Buff. We had to stop the White Witch deploying the Deplorable Nerd." Xander liked the sound of "deploying". It sounded so military and manly.

 

"Deplorable WORD, Xander." Buffy's voice was impatient and exasperated. Also a bit freaked. Just like a girl. Squeamish.

 

"Oops, my bad." Xander had to admit this did made him look a little incompetent. Still, this was a war and blue-on-blue incidents were bound to happen. There wasn't always time to confirm intel. "But I did take out the White Witch so everything's hunky-dory."

 

Buffy just stared at him with those big, hazel-green eyes. Wow, she was really impressed! As she damn well ought to be. "And yesterday, I stopped Dawnie from being eaten by that talking lion." Xander continued in satisfaction. " Ain't rocket launchers cool!"

 

"You destroyed our house!" yelled Buffy. "And we have to stay in this fricking fleapit, hiding from the ATF!" She waved her hand at the shabby and frankly shitty room they were in. "And-" She stopped as she took in Xander's words. "Wait! The White Witch?" Yep, Buffy was always a bit slow. Blonde. "Xander, what have you done?"

 

"Your job, Summers." Xander was getting a mite pissed off with Buffy's attitude. It was that ego of hers at work here, he thought sadly.

 

Dawn burst into the room, tears tracking down her cheeks. "Buffy, oh my god, Buffy!" she sobbed.

 

"What is it Dawn?" Buffy took a steadying grasp on her distraught sister's shoulders. "Take a deep breath. Tell me!"

 

"Tara-" Dawn gasped for composure. "Tara's dead. Someone shot her."

 

Buffy froze as icy realisation gripped her. She slowly turned her head towards Xander and the rage in her eyes was terrifying. "XAANNN-DEERRR!

 

The End.

The End

You have reached the end of "Utterly Deplorable". This story is complete.

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