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Summary: YAHF but why should all the costumes be American when the proprietor isn't? Xander dresses as the last human alive...

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Xander-Centered > Theme: Halloween(Current Donor)dogbertcarrollFR15726,8721911650,16620 Jan 1212 Sep 14No

Chapter 4

“Where can we land without crushing anything?” Xander asked as the view screen showed his house approaching.

“Bob had the scutters box all your stuff,” Holly replied. “I'll land in the street and we'll be loaded up and gone before anyone can complain.”

“We'll need an excuse to skip school and something to calm our parents down if we're going to be gone for a week or more,” Harmony warned.

“Already taken care of,” Holly promised, “the long boring test you took Monday was the GED – you both passed.”

“And our parents?” Xander asked cautiously.

“That's up to you,” Holly admitted, “not sure how you're going to pull it off.”

“We need stunt doubles!” Harmony complained.

“Or android duplicates, like the fake Kochanski,” Xander said perking up. “Holly, change of plans!”

“Yeah?” Holly asked.

“Yeah,” Xander said, “we need a couple of undetectable android duplicates to take our place.”

“One problem with that,” Holly posited.

“Yeah?” Xander asked.

“We don't know how to build them, technology in our universe usually steered clear of android replicas and cloning,” the AI replied.

“What about all the wax droids and Rimmer world?” he asked in return.

“Wax droids melt at temps most humans like to go to the beach at so they were acceptable and Rimmer world was an abomination to man and god that never should have occurred. Plus, we don't have any terraforming pods.”

“Yeah, but the tech was there,” Xander argued.

“I can probably whip up a couple of wax droids to take your place, if they stay indoors and out of the sun,” Holly offered, “but Starbug doesn't have the facilities.”

“Okay, short trip first,” Xander agreed. “When we can get some wax droid stand-ins we'll see about longer ones.”

“Works for me,” Harmony agreed happily.

Xander quickly unstrapped himself and jogged to the airlock, deciding to take the outer stairs down as it'd be faster and the scutters would be crowding the cargo ramp anyway.

Harmony followed, figuring she'd see if he said anything she could use on her parents. Otherwise she'd have to make him talk to them in place of her again.

Xander's parents followed the scutters outside.

“I picked the wrong month to give up drinking,” Tony said as he looked at the ship while the airlock opened.

“You and me both,” Jessica agreed.

Xander hurried down the stairs when he saw his parents. “I don't suppose I can just say I'm going to space camp for a week and get away with it?” he asked them hopefully.

“What about your education?” his mom asked.

“And I don't suppose you have a rational explanation for all this?” his father asked hopefully.

“We already passed our GED's and not really,” Xander admitted. “The actual explanation is less rational and believable than space camp.”

“Have fun at camp,” Tony offered with a smile and a wave just before Jessica smacked him the back of the head. “Owww!”

“Will you be safe, can you call home, who all is going?” Jessica quickly rattled off her parental childrens' trip checklist.

“Unless we're attacked by aliens we should be good,” Xander said.

“Me, Harmony and a Willow are going. Holly, can we call home?”

Holly's voice came from Xander's watch, “The TV in the living room doubles as a subspace transceiver. Just say call Starbug and you'll be able to talk to Xander.”

“Who's that and what do you mean a Willow?” Jessica asked.

“This is Holly, the ship's AI,” Xander explained holding up his wrist so they could see him. “And I mean a Willow because we've had two of them since Halloween.”

Jessica froze up for a second before raising her hand and waving. “Have fun at camp, son!”

Tony laughed. “Be sure to bring back souvenirs, pictures and a rock or something. Now get out of the road before you cause an accident.”

“Thanks dad,” Xander called with a grin as he hurried back up the stairs.

Harmony had watched everything from the airlock. “You are so telling my parents.”

“Why me?” Xander protested, more out of habit than anything else.

“Because if you do I'll do that thing you like so much,” she purred, running a finger down his chest.

“Deal!” Xander said instantly.

“What's that thing you like so much?” Willow asked, never having noticed the two doing anything in particular.

“Sex,” Xander replied, heading for the bridge.

“Yeah, that'd do it,” Willow agreed before switching back to the nav-station.

“Strap in,” Holly said as Xander and Harmony reached the bridge and took their seats.

“There's enough room to land on your back lawn or over the pool,” Holly told Harmony as they hovered over her house cloaked. “Any preferences?”

“Over the pool will be fine, I don't want to mess up the lawn,” she replied.

“That's considerate of you,” Willow said, “I doubt your gardeners want to deal with the mess this would make of the lawn.”

“We don't have any gardeners,” Harmony said, “daddy said a man should only own as much land as he's willing to care for.”

“Your dad rocks,” Xander said.

“Of course mom said if he tried to make her stick to ‘just as much house as she was willing to clean’ they'd be living in a one bedroom studio apartment for the rest of their lives, so it was reinterpreted to ‘as much house as the maids she was willing to oversee could clean’,” she added.

“Go mom!” Willow cheered.

Xander laughed. “Okay, both your parents rock.”

The ship touched down smoothly.

Xander and Harmony took the stairs down to the cargo hold and saw Xander's boxes of stuff neatly stacked and labeled along with a large black block with a figure frozen in it looking like a Star Wars prop.

“How did you freeze him in carbonite?!” Harmony demanded. “I'm pretty sure it was just made up for the movie and didn't you say he was in a cryo-tube?”

“Holly found the file somewhere and it was easier and safer for long term storage of someone with cancer, as some types aren't stopped by cryo-tubes. I didn't say anything because carbonite slab sounds so evil compared to cryo-tube.”

“Good point,” Harmony agreed.

The cargo ramp was down so they could easily hear the voice of her father, “At least they didn't land on the lawn!”

“Harmony told us where to land,” Xander said as they came down the ramp.

“You're an alien?” Dan asked in surprise.

“Nah, just have a spaceship,” Xander replied.

Harmony rolled her eyes as her parents tried to fit this into their world view.

“It’s a beaut,” Dan said. “What kind of mileage do you get?”

“We took and passed our GED's,” Harmony quickly said, “so can I take a week off to go into outer space?”

“Not even leaving the solar system,” Xander promised them.

Harmony's parents glanced at each other and passed information back and forth at speeds IBM could only dream of before they both stepped forward and talked to one of the teens.

“Have fun but be careful,” her father told her, “there are no hospitals in space.”

“I will daddy, promise,” Harmony said giving her dad a hug.

“Having sex while wearing a condom is like going to a rock concert wearing ear plugs,” Clarissa said, “the pill was invented so you'd actually be able to have an enjoyable sex life, not feel like you were fucking an inflatable doll.”

“Mother!” Harmony screeched, dragging Xander back on board.

“Have fun and remember doggy style has the deepest penetration!”

The ramp pulled up behind them as Harmony drug Xander to the bridge.

“You have an interesting mom,” Willow said having watched everything with the ship's sensors.

“She got pregnant in high school and so did her mom before her,” Harmony explained, “it’s a family tradition according to her. It’s how the last four or five generations of our family have picked their husbands and surprisingly enough we've never had a divorce.”

“Seriously?” Willow asked as they strapped in.

Harmony nodded. “Also the women in our family who don't get married in high school tend not to get married until later in life and don't have children at all.”

“That explains so much about your parents...” Xander mused thoughtfully.

“And why you have a decoy set of birth control pills you keep on you,” Willow agreed.

“Mom doesn't want me to screw up my life like Aunt Amanda,” Harmony said, “so she keeps replacing my pills with tic-tacs.”

“Isn't she a famous actress?”

“And never had a relationship that lasted longer than a couple of weeks,” Harmony said shaking her head, “most of the time she's pretty miserable.”

“You never have a relationship that lasts more than a couple of weeks,” Willow pointed out.

“Most guys are flakes that either vanish or hide what they really are until they get what they want,” Harmony said.

“And your parents scare off the rest?” Xander said.

“Bingo!”

Acceleration pushed the two back in their seats.

“We're landing for supplies in three,” Holly warned.

“Supplies?” Xander asked.

“Yeah,” Holly replied, “the scutters hooked up lines so we have full water tanks, but they couldn't exactly go to the store for food and sundries.”

“Point,” Xander agreed, “got a list of what we need?”

“Just food for a week and odds and sods,” Holly said, “figured I'd let you guys work it out, we've got a shoebox filled with cash that the scutters dug up from somewhere.”

“Do we have a microwave and freezer on board?” Harmony asked.

“Just like the original minus the malfunctions due to extreme age,” Holly promised.

“Keep the cloak up and an eye out,” Xander said, “the last thing we need is someone in the parking lot crashing into the ship. We shouldn't be too long.”

“I'll keep an eye out,” Holly promised as he brought them in for a landing.

“Where are we?” Xander asked as they headed down to the cargo deck.

“New Jersey,” Willow replied, “I figured a Quick-E-Mart would have everything we need and be far enough off the beaten path that we wouldn't have to worry about credible witnesses.”

The three walked down the cargo ramp and found two stoners staring at them as they stepped out of range of the cloak.

“Would you consider yourselves credible witnesses?” Willow asked.

“Shit no,” the skinny stoner said, “I don't even believe half the shit I say and tubby here don't say shit. Walking out of thin air is a neat trick though, want to buy some weed?”

“Weed does nothing for me, got any cat-nip?” Harmony asked.

“I think they got some herbal teas and shit inside but I still say THE herb is superior.”

“I'll take a lid and some papers,” Xander said.

“Xander?!” Willow screeched.

The fat guy held out an ornate cross.

“What?” Xander asked. “It was legal in Dave's time.”

The fat stoner's cross sank into Willow's hologram when he suddenly thrust it forward.

The three Sunnydale teens froze, but the skinny stoner just shook his head. “Stop fuckin' with the hallucination and make change, lunch box!”

The fat stoner pocketed the cross and pulled out a wad of cash, peeling off a couple of bills and passing them to Xander.

“I'm not a hallucination!” Willow complained.

“You cast no shadow and the sun's still up, so if you're a ghost you're stronger than fuck!” the skinny one retorted.

Deciding not to argue Willow turned to Xander. “I'm going to see what movies they have in the video store.”

“I'll pick up whatever you decide on after I get done,” Xander promised.

“You're going to get stuck with a bunch of chick flicks,” the dealer warned.

“Be sure to pick up a good selection of porn too,” Harmony added.

“Will do,” Willow promised before walking through the doors.

A skinny guy with blondish brown hair looked up from the paper he was reading when he spotted Willow. “How'd you get in here? I haven't unlocked the doors yet.”

“I walked through them; now give some help to your disabled customer or I'll get a bunch of hippies to stage a sit in.”

The clerk winced. “Shit, that'll be all I need! Who's disabled?”

“I am, I can't touch anything,” she replied. “Now, let’s go see what you've got on sale.”

“Hold up, you can't touch anything?!”

Willow passed her hand through the counter.

“This isn't going turn into some crappy three spirits of Christmas rip off is it?” Randall according to his name tag demanded. “Because if you pull that shit on me, I swear to god I'll find some way to make your afterlife miserable!”

“Halloween was just last month,” Willow said.

“Well, we're already getting ads for Christmas specials,” he argued.

“Look, I don't like the over commercialization of Christmas any more than you do and I'm not related to Christmas in any way shape or form; besides I'm Jewish.”

“Oh, okay sorry about that but being stuck in a Christmas tale is my third worst fear.”

Willow opened her mouth to ask what his two worst fears were but stopped herself. “I don't want to know what your two worst fears are, do I?”

“No, probably not,” Randall admitted.

“Okay, I'm buying not renting movies. I need a load of chick flicks, guy films, and a credible amount of porn.”

“Gimme a ball park here,” Randall said, “a load could mean anything; that could be five or fifty.”

“We'll be trapped on ship for about a week,” she offered.

“Twenty of each then,” he decided, “that'll give you enough to last a week without running out or feeling short on choice.”

“If you've got some cartoons and bollywood films get us some of them too.”

“Okay, we're looking at about a hundred tapes and two grand,” Randall said, “and I'll need you to pick the porn. Watching someone else's choices is like having someone else make you a cup of coffee with no input – it never tastes right.”

“Okay,” Willow agreed.

0oOo0

“What is he doing?” Xander asked the clerk.

“Trying to find a perfect dozen eggs,” the dark haired clerk with the badge reading Dante said. They watched as the middle aged man in an out of date brown suit tested and examined various eggs, crushing some against the glass.

“And you allow that?” Harmony asked.

“I've got a couple of people who do it; guidance counselors mainly. They pay for what they break and clean up after themselves, which is better than most customers,” Dante replied unconcerned.

“Okay,” Xander shrugged off the weirdness, “I'm just here to buy out most of your food anyway.”

“Seriously?”

Xander placed a shoebox full of cash on the counter.

“I'm not on a hidden camera show, am I?”

“Nope, going on a long trip and won’t be able to stop for supplies, so we figured a Quick-E-Mart would be the best place to buy out.”

“Some of this milk only has a day left before it goes bad,” Harmony called from the dairy isle.

“We got an additive that'll keep it good for about a decade,” Xander told her.

“Really?” Dante asked, “I'd think if there was something like that out there corporations would kill for it.”

“You know when you get some milk a day or two past the date it tastes just enough off so you're not sure if it’s safe to drink or not?”

“Yeah?” Dante asked curiously.

“It makes it all taste that way, so the time testers marked fail for all the tests, not realizing that it was the same for all the past due dates.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, only one type of milk lasts longer,” Xander said.

“Really? What kind?” Dante asked curiously.

“Dog’s milk.”

“Why?”

“No one will drink it.”

Harmony set a dozen gallons of milk on the counter. “Ring em up.”

Dante did, noting that as each one was rung up she placed them on the floor. “I can bag these for you and you can probably get Bob to help you carry them out.”

“Bob?” Xander asked.

“Fat stoner out front,” he explained, “I'd say bribe Jay to help out as well, but he always messes things up.”

“The scutters have got it,” Xander said, holding open the front door for a moment.

Dante leaned over the counter and saw the milk was gone. “Midgets?”

“Robots,” Xander replied.

“Cool!”

Willow walked in through the wall. “Any preferences in porn?”

“Parody,” Xander replied, “I prefer porn with either a good plot or some decent parody.”

“Harmony?”

“No interracial ones that make a big deal out of it, they've always felt condescending to me,” she said wrinkling her nose.

“And at least a couple girl on girl ones,” Xander added.

Willow rolled her eyes. “Like there's a decent porn movie without at least one girl on girl scene.”

Dante stared as Willow left. “Did she just walk through the wall?”

“Yeah,” Xander agreed, placing another bag of assorted food and snack items on the floor for the scutters to take.

Randall came in carrying a large box of tapes. “Ghost girl says you have the cash?”

“Shoebox,” Xander replied, gesturing to the counter as he collected all the Hostess products.

“Cool, mind if I take an extra hundred for pizza?”

“How long do they take to deliver?” Xander asked.

“Quarter of an hour.”

“Order two large, one Hawaiian and one meat lover for us and we'll spring for the rest,” Xander replied.

“On it.”

An hour later...

“And that's the last of it,” Xander said shaking the empty shoebox.

Dante looked around the Quick-E-Mart. “I've got diet soda and menthol cigarettes left and that's about it.”

Harmony and Jay were arguing and passing a pair of joints back and forth while Willow and Silent Bob discussed something quietly.

“So, what’s the what anyway?” Randall asked as he finished off a slice of mushroom pizza.

“Someone called on an old god during Halloween and we ended up of a future that's a TV show here,” Xander explained, figuring the truth would be a lot more confusing than a lie at this point.

“Weird,” Randall said.

“That sums up my life nicely,” Xander said, “well, people to do and places to see. Later!”

The four watched as the three visitors vanished into thin air and a cloud of dust was blown about for no apparent reason.

“So...” Dante asked.

“Scutters and holograms are straight Red Dwarf; British scifi series,” Randall said. “The amount of dirt kicked up in their take off says a cloaked Starbug.”

“They all carry an aura of darkness and pain that make me think either mimes or Hellmouth,” Silent Bob offered.

“Sunnydale,” Jay added, “I remember from when we went there and kicked that Angel dude's ass for his comments on how we were the perfect example of how far modern entertainment had fallen.”

“Janus ritual?” Dante offered.

“Yeah, but there's not a whole lot of his worshipers about these days,” Randall said.

“Probably enchanted costumes and sold them,” Jay said, “it’s a dick move but good for some yuks.”

“Hope they come by again,” Dante said, “they really kept us in the black for this month.”

0oOo0

Holly turned the forward view screen on and the teens watched in excitement as the blue sky darkened to black and they left the Earth behind.

“We're in space!” Willow said in awe.

“Yeah,” Harmony and Xander chorused with matching smiles, both feeling as if an invisible weight had been removed from their shoulders.

After a few minutes of quiet Xander spoke up, “Okay, let’s do something before the boredom drives me crazy. Suggestions?”

“Porn, sex, food, sleep...” Harmony quickly counted off.

“The AR suite!” Xander said as an idea hit him. “Holly, does the Starbug have a working AR suite?”

“Yeah, but we still only have the same dozen games that came with the original,” Holly said, “so really you'd be better off making your own.”

“Load up the Starbug simulator and have it run at double speed,” Xander ordered.

“I guess we could re-qual so we could fly ourselves around,” Harmony said unenthusiastically.

“I know that grin,” Willow said, “you've got something planned.”

“Yes I do,” Xander admitted, “follow me and find out.”

The two girls looked at each other and shrugged, getting up to follow Xander down to the artificial reality suite.

0oOo0

“Okay, so what's the big surprise?” Willow asked as Harmony jacked in and joined them, meaning all three teens were now in an artificial reality indistinguishable from the one they’d just left.

Xander stepped forward and kissed Willow.

“You can feel me!” she exclaimed, having forgotten about the AR suite's properties with her excitement over being in space. “I'm real here!”

Xander and Harmony hugged her in between them.

“Yep,” Xander agreed, “we get twelve hours a day in here and then eighteen on the outside so we don't overload our brains or end up like some BTL junky.”

“BTL?” Willow asked.

“Better than life, an addictive game that people wasted away and died playing,” Xander explained.

“There's no chance of that here is there?” Willow asked.

“Nah, that game connected to your subconscious and removed the knowledge you were playing,” Harmony said, “this is just running at double speed, we'll sleep a little more and be fine.”

Two days later...

“We're approaching the asteroid belt,” Holly announced.

“Is what you wanted to show us out here?” Xander asked as Holly changed their course.

“Yes, feast your eyes on this!” Holly announced grandly as they zipped around a large asteroid and came within view of… the Red Dwarf.

“How?!” Xander demanded in shock.

“Kryten's nanites,” Holly explained, “it was easy for them to rebuild the Red Dwarf since they took it apart once before. Of course they had to replicate themselves an ungodly amount of times to do it and they found some interesting heavy elements and large mineral deposits so it didn't take the projected four months to get it this complete.”

“They didn't recreate the crew did they?” Xander asked.

“That didn't work out very well last time so they skipped that bit,” the AI replied.

“Could we use the nanites to build Willow a new body and cure Ford?” Xander asked excitedly.

“'Fraid not,” Holly said, “Kryten's nanites created nanites specifically programmed to rebuild the Red Dwarf since it was disassembled after they'd rebuilt it but they have no function beyond that.”

“So we still need to find a way to cure cancer and clone people,” Xander said to himself.

“Just clone people really,” Holly said, “you can move them to the non-cancer ridden clone and call it a day.”

“True,” Xander said cheerfully, “and heck Earth technology is getting close to that.”

“Earth technology?” Willow asked curiously. “What were you planning on for cloning me?”

“The Holly-hop drive,” Xander admitted, “it doesn't do deep space or anything but it does do alternate dimensions fine, and one of them is bound to have the tech we need.”

“You'd jump blindly from universe to universe for me?” Willow asked teary eyed.

“You're my Willow, of course I would.”

Willow sniffed and vanished.

“Holly, where'd she go?!” Xander demanded.

“She's working on a simulation,” Holly said, “she was getting a bit emotional so she went to cool off.”

“Not like she can retreat to her room or bury her face in your chest buddy,” Harmony pointed out.

“True enough,” Xander agreed, “well our quals are up to date, so how far are we out from the ship?”

“Ninety three minutes and some change,” Holly announced.

“That's enough time for a nap, or sex, or a movie, or sex,” Harmony said, “I know what we should do!”

“Have sex?” Xander asked.

“You read my mind!”

0oOo0

Xander took another drag of his cigarette and waited patiently as the mostly rebuilt Red Dwarf swelled in their view screens.

“Now,” Holly announced, causing Xander and Harmony to explode into action, flipping switches and rattling off data.

The majority of it was needless and originally just done to make Rimmer worry, but it was tradition so they did it anyway.

Xander and Harmony brought in Starbug as smoothly as Dave and Cat ever had, even if they cheated a bit by having Holly assist them.

“We did it!” Willow cheered excitedly. “We’re home!”

“Yes,” Holly agreed as Xander and Harmony undid their restraint harnesses, “however the ship is only 93% complete which means you'll need to wear space suits outside of the few areas already pressurized and connected to life support.”

“Any good news?” Willow asked.

“The vending machines are fully stocked on deck 337,” Holly replied cheerfully.

“Isn't that a three hour trip from the bridge?” Xander asked.

“And mostly in vacuum at the moment,” Holly agreed.

“Still better than high school,” Harmony offered.

“Amen,” Xander said.

“Hey!” Willow complained as the two opened the lockers to get out the evac suits.

“You may like school,” Xander said, “but me and Harmony rate it somewhere below plucking nostril hair as favorite pass times.”

“And considering the growing hostility from certain people lately that's being generous,” Harmony said with a frown as she pulled out a black … suit.

“Our space suits are Darth Vader outfits?” Xander asked in disbelief.

“The design was far superior to anything the space corps ever managed,” Holly pointed out, “so I downloaded the files from the one you found and convinced the nanites to use it instead.”

“Really?”

“Yes, well except from the communications system – it always sounds like you're a carton a day smoker with a head cold.”

“Yeah, imagine that,” Xander said dryly as he and Harmony started stripping down and donning the suits.

“One for me too Holly,” Willow said, a holographic Darth Vader suit forming around her. “I didn't want to feel left out,” came James Earl Jones' voice from Willow.

Xander laughed, the sound echoing loudly and evilly.

“Good god that's creepy,” Harmony said. “You are so lucky black is always fashionable or I would stay behind, because this makes me sound like a dude.”

“Luke, I am your father,” Xander answered and the three went back and forth doing various movie quotes as they walked through the airless halls toward the bridge.

SGC

“Deep space telemetry is picking up some unusual readings in the asteroid belt,” Sam reported as she typed away at the keyboard.

Jack looked faintly shocked as he said, “We actually handle deep space telemetry here? I thought it was all just a cover.”

“Partially,” Sam admitted, “but we do have and run the equipment as part of our cover, so we do have the data.”

“So what's the unusual data?” Jack asked.

“A magnetic anomaly,” she replied.

“Translation?”

“A large metallic mass in the asteroid belt,” she explained.

“Like a rogue asteroid?” he asked.

“No, that wouldn't be stationary and would have trajectory data to show where it entered from.”

“Like something being built?” Daniel suggested.

“That would help explain things,” she said softly as she sorted through the data, “any metallic source that entered a 15 mile sphere around the anomaly didn't leave.”

“How about non-metallic?” Jack asked.

“We can only read magnetic patterns at this point, we have no visual references for that area.”

“Road trip?” Jack asked hopefully.

“Road trip?” Teal'c repeated curiously.

“He means we should take a trip out there and investigate,” Daniel explained, “a road trip is usually just a bunch of friends using something as an excuse to spend time together.”

“I doubt General Hammond is going to allow us to borrow a ship and go traipsing around the solar system,” Sam said.

“Yeah,” Danny agreed, “would be nice though.”

“SG1,” General Hammond called out over the 1MC, “I need you to investigate an in system anomaly. Meet me in conference room 3 in thirty minutes.”

“Then again we might get lucky,” Jack said.

0oOo0

“How long until she's fully operational?” Xander asked, setting his helmet on a chair as he looked around the bridge.

“Depends on how good you are at pool,” Holly replied.

“What?” Harmony asked, pausing as she tried to get rid of her helmet hair.

“The placement of the Red Dwarf was optimal for absorbing asteroids with heavy metal deposits, but we're going to need you to nudge several more asteroids into the absorption field to complete the process and due to the number of asteroids in your way they're all going to have to be bank shots,” Holly explained.

Xander grinned. “Now that sounds like fun.”

Willow looked up from one of the displays she was examining. “Can we get some basic upgrades? I mean, we've got tiny light bulbs where we'd be better off with LEDs and I'm reasonably sure that Earth's current selections of monitors and cameras are superior to some of the ones you have here.”

“The cameras and monitors are more robust than the ones used on Earth right now,” Holly explained, “I think you're right about the LEDs though. Unfortunately you'll have to have them replaced by hand or scutter since the nanites are already programmed.”

“Fifteen miles long and five miles wide,” Harmony said, “that's a lot of bulbs.”

“More than you could fit in Starbug in one trip,” Holly agreed, “I'd suggest we only replace the frequently used ones that tend to blow out.”

“That sounds reasonable,” Willow said, “but where are we going to get all the parts?”

“We'll have to order them,” Harmony said, “the LEDs we can get made specially, if we order in large amounts, but we'll have to use Blue Midget to move the cargo container. Paying for it shouldn't be a problem; there's enough gold and gems floating around out here for us to buy a country.”

“We're rich and have a space ship bigger than our home town,” Xander said in wonder.

“Yeah!” Harmony said the enormity of it hitting her.

“This … is wow,” Willow finally said.

“We'll need to load up on gems and such and we need a way to explain how we got them that doesn't include the words 'outer space'.”

“You work on your pool and I'll see if the nanites won't save us a load of gems and precious metals,” Holly said.

Six hours later SGC…

“There was delay after delay, why the sudden rush now?” Jack complained.

“Because now our readings show it on the move,” General Hammond replied, popping up behind him. “Before it was me, figuring a nice quiet mission would be as close as I could come to getting you guys a vacation – now it’s an actual emergency.”

“Any good news?” Jack asked.

“I'll be in charge,” Colonel Maybourne said as he entered the room.

“I said good news,” Jack replied flatly. “You'll forgive me for not thinking that you and whatever rogue NID agents you bring with you, will actually be useful on a peaceful mission.”

“Rogue?” General Hammond asked.

“Every single mission we've been on involving NID agents has them screwing things up and being declared rogue,” Jack said dryly. “Why should I believe this peaceful little mission will be any different?”

“And how are you sure it’s peaceful?” Maybourne demanded.

“Well I'm sure it won't be once you attack it,” Jack replied, “oh excuse me I mean when one of your NID agents goes rogue and attacks it.”

“That's dangerously close to insubordination,” Maybourne said.

“Name one mission with NID personnel involved when they didn't screw things up and get declared rogues,” Jack challenged.

Maybourne ignored him. “General Hammond, along with SG1 I have a first contact team and we're ready to go when you are.”

Red Dwarf

“Where are we going to park this and how're we going to keep people from noticing it?” Xander asked as the Red Dwarf's engines slowly came online, massive amounts of energy pouring forth to move the city shaped like a star ship.

“Lagrange points and a cloak,” Holly replied.

“We can cloak the Dwarf?” Willow asked in shock.

“When it's sitting still yes,” Holly replied, “a cloak doesn't take that much power when you're sitting still.”

“Any way we can cloak our suits?” Xander asked.

“It'd be like that Predator movie you watched,” Holly said, “and only when in range of a holo-emitter.

“So on ship or while wearing the watch?” Xander asked.

“Basically,” Holly agreed.

“So how're we going to keep people from noticing the Red Dwarf as we move into position?” Willow asked.

“We're not,” Holly replied, “it'll be like seeing pictures of Superman, everyone will believe its fake.”

0oOo0

“We have a match,” Sam announced.

“Go'auld?” Colonel Maybourne demanded as it was one of the most likely suspects.

“British broadcasting company,” she replied, drawing everyone's attention.

“What?!”

AN: Typing by Godogma!
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