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Split Banana

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Summary: Xander Harris is in the mood for a snack. Emma Frost and Jean Grey are in the mood for… something else. Hungry versus naughty. Who will win?

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Xander-Centered(Moderator)JoeHundredaireFR2113,5845195,08312 Feb 1212 Feb 12Yes

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Hello, everybody, and welcome to Joe's Twelve For Twelve: twelve stories in twelve hours on February 12th, 2012. They're a bit of a mixed bag: six are FFAs that I found while digging through the database to help jrabbit clean things up, while six are just weird assorted ideas that were on a 'someday, maybe' list I've had on my computer for years now. Then my sister asked me to pause on Wand of Uru so we can synchronize our designs for a number of minor characters that she'll be borrowing for her upcoming Harry Potter-themed fan comic No Second Chance, this idea popped into my head, and I broke out my list of 'someday, maybe' and decided to turn it into 'now, definitely' in the interim. Enjoy.

Title: Split Banana
Author: JoeHundredaire (
Rating: NC-17/FR21
Disclaimer: Right, I actually went and checked to be sure this time… Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel: the Series, and all associated characters belong to Fran and Kaz Kuzui. With a myriad of writers, artists, and editors, actual rights are a nightmare when you go near a comic book universe. Suffice it to say that Marvel Entertainment LLC owns all of the property printed in their comics, along with the television and movie adaptations of said same property. Not mine, don't sue, and so forth and so on.
Summary: Xander Harris is in the mood for a snack. Emma Frost and Jean Grey are in the mood for… something else. Hungry versus naughty. Who will win?
Joe's Note: The seeds for this story were planted back in November 2006 with a same-named ficlet I did for 'Kink Month' because Jinni nagged me into it. The original copy disappeared from the site years ago because A.) it wasn't even a crossover and B.) I was never really satisfied with it. Found it a few months back while cleaning and decided to bring it out of mothballs to serve as the base for a Xander-centric crossover I had in mind. Eventually I rewrote it and upgraded it to match my current style and level of ability, and reposted it as part of my Twelve For Twelve bombardment. Enjoy.

     Xander Harris hummed along to the radio as he moved around one of the two small kitchens on the first floor of the Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. Being here was such a change from his life in Sunnydale, and not just because he was now a member of Homo sapiens superior these days. Located this far away from a major metropolitan area - and without a Hellmouth to serve as a draw - the nightlife was fairly non-existent and so Xander found himself lounging around the mansion most nights with far too much free time on his hands. His newfound powers a massive caloric drain, he'd found himself turning to snacking to fill much of that time… which had brought him to the kitchen for the third time that night. He'd contented himself with a sandwich the first time around and a plate of nachos the second. Now he was in the mood for something… sweeter.

     First came a large dish from one of the cabinets, followed by cartons of both vanilla and strawberry ice cream from the freezer. A bit of digging uncovered a bottle of chocolate sauce stashed all the way at the back on the second shelf of the fridge - Marie's, according to the note stuck to it, but he'd paid for it and therefore felt little guilt for 'borrowing' a bit himself - and the new doctor's health food kick meant finding a banana wasn't nearly as hard. A knife, an ice cream scooper, and a tablespoon later and he was ready for his not-quite-midnight snack.

     Grabbing his banana split, Xander turned and made to leave the kitchen only come to an abrupt stop when he found the doorway occupied by… well, Emma Frost could easily be characterized as the Cordelia of his new school, but it was a bit harder to find a neat little box for Jean Grey. Mostly given she occupied a spot somewhere in the middle of the triangle created by the three girls who had defined his life before Xavier's: Cordelia's popularity and wit, Willow's intelligence and helpfulness, and Buffy's beauty and obsession with jumping around in a short skirt while waving pompoms. Not that he minded the latter one bit. As the seconds continued to tick by in silence, Xander started to fidget and then finally decided to end the bizarre game of chicken he was stuck in. "Ladies…"

     "Hi, Xander." Oh good, at least once of them was talking now. And Jean was smiling, even. Granted Emma was still standing there studying him with an unreadable expression on her face, but Xander would take what small wins he could get. "Late night munchies?"

     Xander nodded, thrusting out the sundae he was holding. "I had a Danger Room session this afternoon, before the adults got called away on… whatever it is they're up to. Since I'd probably get in trouble for eating one of the professor's horses, I had to go with dinner and three snacks instead. But I'm smart." Grinning, he gestured in turn to the two halves of banana bracketing the ice cream in his dish. "Banana split. This way, I'm not totally lying next time Bones asks me if I'm eating my fruits and vegetables." That didn't get the laughs he was hoping for, and awkward silence quickly descended once more. But while they didn't talk, neither did they move. Xander was stumped. What was he missing. Maybe… "Either of you want one? Wouldn't take me long to make another. Or two."

     The first real proof that something was going on was when the girls' eyes met and began to glow, Emma's an icy blue while Jean's were enveloped by a swirling mix of fiery orange and red light. Xander knew that when it came to the house's psi contingent, glowing eyes generally meant telepathic communication… or major telekinetic feats in Jean's case. But since nothing was flying around the kitchen, Xander felt it was pretty safe to assume the two girls were chatting where he couldn't listen in. After a few seconds, they ended their little stare off, eyes returning to normal as they turned their attention back to him. Stepping forward, Emma reached out and ran one finger up the length of one of the banana slices in his sundae. "A banana split. That sounds… positively delightful. Doesn't it, Jean?"

     "I don't know…" Jean's tongue flicked out over her lips as she stared at Xander and then her eyes dropped to the banana split, her own hand coming up so she could rub her thumb back and forth over the tip of the banana slice sitting opposite Emma's in a blatantly sexual manner. "I mean, it sounds good to me but I thought you were more of a salty snack type."

     Emma's lips finally quirked up in the faintest hint of a smile at that. "Touché. I wouldn't mind one of those either right about now. Depends what Alexander here is interested in serving up at the moment…"

     Shooting a quick glance down at where Emma was now running three fingers up and down the entire length of the banana slowly, Xander found himself wondering when he'd stumbled into one of the bad pornos he kept torrenting using the school's ridiculously fast Internet access. This was the kind of stuff that girls told the 'delivery man' in Big Sausage Pizza videos; it wasn't supposed to be directed his way by the two hottest and most popular girls at Xavier's. Not to mention that both girls had boyfriends at the moment, and one of them was even a fellow mansion resident. For all he knew, he'd done something to piss off Scott and the moment he agreed to anything, a head would peek around the corner and send him through a wall with one bright red optic blast. That thought over all others served to dampen his hormones and Xander cleared his throat, taking a few steps backwards and placing his dish on the counter. "Right. Ice cream it is, then." He took a step to his right…

     …and the girls struck, pouncing and taking his hands in their own as they molded their bodies against his. Emma's pale blue lips immediately made their way down to his neck even as Jean kissed him hard, her breasts pressing into his ribs as her tongue teased its way between his lips and into his mouth. They were the second biggest pair he'd ever gotten to experience up close, running close behind the pair belonging to her blonde companion. And while Emma was open about the fact that her body was 'the best that money could buy', he sure as hell couldn't tell hers weren't natural. And large. And amazing.

     When Jean pulled back and Emma took her turn with his lips, Xander found it interesting - and a bit amusing - that she was actually a good deal gentler than the redhead. Tentative, even. Then again, the girls had only acted when he'd failed to make the first move. Maybe… wiggling his arm out from between his body and hers, Xander wrapped it around Emma's waist and pulled her closer as he took a page from Jean's book and teased Emma's lips with his tongue, waiting until they parted before slipping it inside. Emma let out a little whine at that, hands fisting in his shirt and pulling him closer. Huh. Jean not only knew what innuendo was but could be sexually aggressive when it suited her. And Emma preferred not to be. Xander wasn't quite sure which was more surprising.

     Although he did know what was significantly more surprising than either: the fact that the words 'Jean', 'Emma', and 'sex' were being used in reference to him without 'never' factoring into things.

     The two traded him back and forth for somewhere between a few minutes and forever; exactly how long it lasted, Xander had no idea. Eventually they broke away, both girls flushed and grinning, and Jean held up one hand. There was a faint tearing noise and then something yellow came floating into view from the left. Blinking, Xander turned his head to track its progress through the air until it landed in Jean's hand. A banana? So was this it then? Tease him a bit and then grab food and run? But even as Xander steeled himself, contemplating how to exit with as much dignity as possible, Jean offered the banana up to Emma tip first, the blonde meeting his eyes as she gave it a slow and sensuous lick. "Well, if you've found your banana… I think it's time for me to find mine."

     Ah, so here was the part where they walked away giggling and… Xander's jaw dropped as Emma instead dropped to her knees in front of him, her hands sliding up and down his thighs a few times before wandering up to his fly. Tugging it down, she slipped one hand inside and wrapped her fingers around his cock, pulling it out and stroking it slowly. Having never gotten to this point before with a girl, even during his rather physicality-centric relationship with Cordelia, Xander could only stare at her in disbelief for a few seconds and then looked back up at Jean, half-convinced he'd find some sort of monster or clown standing there ready to scare him straight out of this amazing dream. Instead, he discovered that not only was Jean still deliciously Jean-shaped, but that at some point between arrival and now, the redhead had unzipped the front of her green and gold leather catsuit to just below her breasts. She offered him a smile and a lascivious wink as she stood there, casually peeling the banana she was holding in her hand.

     Being a teenage boy who'd grown up attending public schools, Xander had heard pretty much every joke there was to hear about the phallic nature of a certain yellow fruit. He'd even seen a few YouTube videos illustrating the concept for the particularly dense specimens of humanity out there. But actually involving the banana in some sort of sexual act… that was definitely a street or two over from the gutter his mind normally operated in. It had the potential to end up either incredibly epic or incredibly weird, and while he was definitely hoping for the former? Given the insane level of hotness being offered to him at the moment, Xander was willing to be a bit more flexible than usual about how weird was too weird…

     Given that while Emma seemed to enjoy being encouraged along while Jean did not, Xander wasn't quite sure how to progress. Especially given he wasn't sure how Jean even fit into things, apart from standing there looking pretty while holding her now-peeled banana. Then Jean's green eyes disappeared beneath that roiling fiery glow again and her tongue slowly slid out from between her plump lips, flicking over the tip of the banana. Xander nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt Emma's tongue mimic the action, brushing over the head of his cock. When his eyes instinctively left Jean, shooting down to stare at Emma in surprise, the blonde froze in that position, glowing blue eyes peering upward as she pressed her tongue against him. Confused, Xander retuned his attention to Jean, the redhead raising an eyebrow and then swirling her tongue slowly around the banana. A few seconds later, Emma's tongue repeated the motion around his cock. Wanting to test a hypothesis, Xander looked back down at Emma and she froze.

     Well, that explained a whole lot. How Jean fit into things, for instance. The banana, too, which was a bit of a relief because he'd been worried on that front. Why two girls who were hardly the best of friends were cooperating for once, even. After all, telepaths in their age bracket were in fairly short supply around the mansion at the moment and so it was either play nice for a bit, try to convince shy British Betsy to do something other than squeaking and running when she came within ten feet of a boy, or use Marie… somehow. And being halfway to a coma from sharing one's powers with her would probably make anything sexual fairly unenjoyable, Xander figured. Why they felt the need to do this at all - and with him of all people - was something he didn't know and doubted he'd figure out… but he sure as shit wasn't going to complain.

     And so, after using a big mental plunger to cram the analytical part of his brain into a shadowy back corner of his mind, Xander returned his attention to Jean and grinned, gesturing for her to continue. Her tongue retreated, allowing her to return his smile, and then she opened her mouth wide and engulfed the first two or three inches of the banana. Her cheeks caved in slightly as she slurped noisily on it, pulling her hand back slowly to reveal the fruit was now slick with her saliva. Remarkably intact too, Xander noted, making him wonder if-

     "Oh God!" Xander's fingers curled around the edge of the kitchen counter and squeezed hard as Emma did the same to him. He desperately wanted to watch her but with their psychic link, she'd know via Jean's eyes the second he moved his head and then everything would stop. So instead he forced himself to stare at Jean, although that wasn't exactly something that qualified as a hardship in his book. She began tilting the banana up and down then side to side, running her tongue all over as Emma slid her hand down to encircle the base of his cock, imitating Jean's movements to give herself better access as her soft tongue lapped at his flesh.

     Eventually, Jean tired of teasing the banana with her tongue and slid it back between her lips, tiny motes of orange red light dancing around it as it bumped against one of her teeth. Xander blinked; some sort of new application of her telekinesis? Then Emma followed suit and the little head told the big head to shut the fuck up, leaving Xander capable of doing nothing more than watching as Jean's head bobbed back and forth, taking the banana a bit deeper each time. Oh shit. Thank God he wasn't one of the mansion's superhumanly strong mutants, Xander thought as Emma imitated Jean obediently, or he'd be denting the counters right about now. Then Jean tipped her head back, holding the banana by its very end as she forced the entire thing down into her mouth.

     Xander's eyes closed as he moaned loudly, feeling Emma's lips slide all the way down to the base of his cock, but that was evidently allowed as she continued to please him, her lips sliding back to just behind the head and holding there for a few seconds before taking his entire length back into her mouth and throat. The blonde swallowed a few times, the muscles of her throat tugging at the head of his cock in a strange but pleasant way, and then she was rubbing her tongue along the underside as she bobbed up and down it again. Eventually, Xander forced his eyes open and found Jean smirking at him, her eyes back to normal and the banana nowhere to be found. Instead, her hand was… Xander's eyes ran down the length of one pale, freckly arm and found it tangled in Emma's hair, guiding the blonde's head back and forth on Xander's cock. Groaning at the eroticism of the sight, Xander felt it only fair to warn the girls… "I'm gonna cum."

     "I know." Jean reached up to tap one finger against her temple. "I'm in here, remember. And…" Lowering herself to the floor, Jean made her way over to kneel behind Emma, one hand still fisted in the blonde's hair as she guided it back and forth, the other tapping the side of her fellow telepath's head. "…in here. We knew before you did, and Emma can't wait for it. Turns out that for all her 'top class breeding', she's just an eager little cumslut at heart. Ever wonder what she sees in Scott? The fact that he's down the hall from her. He's just a means to an end for her, and so are you. And she really wants that ending. It's all she can think about."

     Math problems. The cafeteria lady. Linoleum. Cafeteria food. Sunnydale High had served fruit in the cafeteria, just like Xavier's. Including bananas. Bananas. Xander groaned as his attempt to delay the inevitable by distracting himself failed. "In her mouth?"

     Using her grip on Emma's hair, Jean slowly pulled the blonde backwards until Xander's cock slipped from her mouth with a wet pop. Jean's free hand rose to grip his cock, pointing it down at Emma's chest as she jerked him off. "I say put it on her chest. Make her work for her snack."

     If Emma had a problem with that plan, she certainly didn't feel the need to share it. Quite the opposite: she perked up a bit and brought both hands up to cup her breasts, pressing them together to present a better target. The hungry look in her eyes, her pose, Jean's eager expression… a dozen little pieces snapped together in his mind and Xander grunted loudly before throwing his head back, his cock throbbing as he came across her chest in four big spurts…

     Xander gasped as he shot upright in bed. Panting, he looked around. Where was the kitchen? Jean? Emma? His ice cream? Suddenly, reality set in and he flopped back down onto the mattress. A dream. Damn. Well, it'd seemed a bit too good to be true. Still, it would have been nice to finally have Lady Luck smiling on him for once in his life. Plus he was kinda hungry now.

     Not horny, though, surprisingly. Probably because he'd already finished taking care of that problem, Xander realized as he shifted a bit in bed and winced. Grimacing, he looked over at his roommate… but thankfully Bobby was still asleep and snoring loudly enough to wake the dead. Grabbing a t-shirt and a clean pair of boxers, he slid out of bed and shuffled awkwardly towards the bathroom.

     Rolling over in her bed, Jean snuggled in against the stuffed volleyball she'd stitched together - badly - in Home Ec. earlier that semester. Her tongue flicked out over her lips and then she smiled faintly. She did so love the taste of bananas…

     There was something touching her skin and it wasn't one of her white silk sheets. Frowning, Emma brought one hand up and swiped at her chest, smearing something warm and sticky sideways along the top of her breast. So much for it being that she'd gone to bed actually wearing something for once and forgotten it. But if that wasn't the case… then what?

     Thankfully, her clean hand was also the hand nearest her nightstand and Emma flicked the light on before retrieving her glasses. After blinking a few times both to adjust to the light and having perfect vision again, she focused on her fingers. Even half-asleep, it didn't take her long to recognize the viscous, off-white fluid that was already stretching downward from the tip of one finger into a long tendril as it battled with gravity. Popping her finger into mouth only confirmed her suspicion.


     …what the hell?

The End

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