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Summary: In honor of Dogbertcarroll's 'Flickering Lights', a bunch of mostly Xander centered one-shots.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > GeneralCrazyDanFR187074,13440986608,24516 Feb 1230 Oct 14No

A different reason to beat the first....

AN: This is weird one. you've been warned....

An alternate Take near the end of Season Seven...

Or the real reason they wanted to win....

Xander Harris sighed as he folded his clothes in the bedroom of his now very overcrowded apartment. This room was his haven, his sanctuary... his place away from the gaggle of teenage girls that were so not what he fantasized about at first.

“You know... I imagined this place would be bigger.” Faith said as she stared at the walls of Xander's bedroom. “Or at least have a sex swing with the way Anya still talks about you.”

Xander just shrugged and reached into his laundry basket and picked something up and sniffed it.

“Smell these.” He told Faith.

“Dude. I am not smelling those.” Faith said with a shake of her head.

“You've got Slayer Senses. Smell these and tell me if they smell funny.” Xander told her.

Outside of Xander's Room....

“Shhh!” Rona hissed at the other girls. “Something's happening.” She said before going back to listening at the door.

“Seriously Xander I'm not going to smell your balls. You don't need my opinion to tell if they're funky or not.” Faith told him.

“I've already washed them, but I still think they smell.” Xander said. “Just smell my balls Faith.”

“You're just going to keep asking aren't you?” Faith sighed.

“Seriously, is this any worse than what you dealt with in prison?” Xander asked.

“Not worse, just different.” Faith said before relenting. “You're right. Your balls smell.”

Outside the door....

“He did not just make her do that.” Kennedy said with wide eyes.

“Shh!” Vi said. “They're still talking!”

“You try bleaching them?” Faith asked Xander.

“That seems a tad extreme and not really worth it.” Xander said. “Still... maybe as a last resort.”

“You could always get rid of them. Get some new ones. They still make 'em right?” Faith suggested.

Outside the door....

“What kind of deviants...” Rona muttered before both Vi and Cho-Ahn hushed her.


“I checked. They've already been phased out of production. I could probably get some knock-offs but it wouldn't be the same.” Xander told her. “So... how would I go about bleaching my balls?”

Outside the door....

“Wouldn't that burn?” Dawn whispered.

“When did you get here?” Vi asked.

“Please. I'm always here.” Dawn said as she rolled her eyes. “I've got a key.”

“Does Xander know that?” Willow asked.

“Does he need to?” Dawn countered.

“Point.” Willow agreed before starting to listen in herself. The door groaned a little but they all ignored it.

“Fine, just give them here.” Faith said as the door fell off it's hinges due to the sheer number of people leaning against it.

“Ummm..... we can explain?” Dawn said from the top of the pile. “Wait... what are those?” She asked as she pointed at the blue semi-spiked spheres in Faith's hand.

“My dryer balls.” Xander told her. “Anya was big on not using fabric softener. Something about the Snuggle bear being a conduit for pure evil.” He shook his head and sighed “You know what... I'm gonna go fix this whole First problem.”

“How?” Willow asked.

“Dunno. When all else fails you hack the shit out of it right?” Xander shrugged. “Faith you in?”

“Sure.” Faith said with a nod. “This place is getting kind of crowded anyways. Why is everybody here and not at B's place?”

“Slayer level cramps and the supermarkets are all out of her favorite ice-cream.” Willow explained.

“Ah. In that case, let's go.” Faith told Xander.

“Guns and Ammo?” Xander asked her.

“Could work.” Faith agreed. “Is that military whatever still there?”

“Should be.” Xander agreed. “Tonight... we improvise!”

The girls watched them as they left.

“So now what?” Kennedy asked Willow.

“We try and find that darn sex swing.” Willow said. “I mean... they have to have one.”

“They don't. Not on this floor.” Dawn blurted.

“Floor?” Vi asked.

“Technically, Anya owns the apartment over and under this one.” Dawn told them. “Not sure where she got the money though.”

“So... there's more room?” Cho-Ahn asked in clear English.

“I guess.” Dawn shrugged.

“And you haven't mentioned this until now because why?” Kennedy demanded.

“It hasn't come up.” Dawn said. “Besides. Only this one has cable.”

“Oh.” All the girls said together.

“That makes more sense then.” Willow agreed.

With Faith and Xander...

“You need better shocks.” Faith told Xander after she put her pants back on.

“I know.” Xander told her as he got his breath back. “Believe me, I've noticed.”

“Also... your balls do smell. You try talcum powder or anything?” Faith grinned.

“I work construction. It's going to happen. Shower after work or not.” Xander said flatly. “Not that I can with girl central in my place. I'm lucky to use the hose from the utility shed.”

“Point.” Faith agreed. "We really going to blow up something that's a ghost?"

"Nah. We'll just blow up the school. It worked before." Xander grinned.

"Stick to your guns huh?" Faith grinned.

"I would but mine are mainly of the caulk and nail variety. Sticking to those generally means OSHA being all over my ass." Xander told her.

"Instead of you being all over mine." Faith snorted.

"Hey... you weren't complaining." Xander shrugged.

"'I just got out of prison' sex in your backseat is still better than your apartment X." Faith deadpanned.

"I know. Let's go blow some shit up so I can kick them all out." Xander said as he restarted his SUV. "Then maybe we can get some take out. I think at least the demon run Chinese place is still open."

"The one with the Sour Chicken?" Faith asked.

"Yeah. Though they have improved the menu since you've been gone." Xander told her.

"Good." Faith grinned. "Cause their Egg Foo Yung was more like Egg Fu Yuck."

"That was actually made from pureed Bezoars." Xander corrected with a shudder.

"Gross." Faith said with a shudder. She'd heard that particular story already.

Back at Xander's.....

"Whee!" Dawn said as she swung around.

"I knew it was real." Willow muttered as she opened a closet to find a vast array of sex toys. "Those receipts I deshredded were real."

"You know the strangest people." Kennedy said as she picked up a ball gag with a pair of tongs.

"Ummm... not to point out the odd but where have those tongs been?" Rona asked.

"Eww!" Kennedy said before dropping them like they were on fire.

"Maybe coming in here was a bad idea." Vi said.

"That's what he said." Clem joked.

"How did you get in here?" Willow asked the big friendly demon.

"Please, I have a key." Clem chuckled.

"He's my locksmith!" Dawn told them.


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