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Summary: In honor of Dogbertcarroll's 'Flickering Lights', a bunch of mostly Xander centered one-shots.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > GeneralCrazyDanFR187074,13440986607,38316 Feb 1230 Oct 14No

Now with a free salad bar!!!

This is a fanfiction, I don't own the characters within. Those belong to their respective franchise owners. Though I do have mad respect for Jon DeBello, Costa Dillon and Stephen Peace for their enjoyably strange films.

Yahf again...Why? Because I like them.

“Mmm... lab-coat and a funny mustache.” Xander mused as he gathered his supplies.

“Mad Scientist?” The shop's proprietor, Ethan Rayne guessed as he walked up to the teen.

“You could say that.” Xander said with a nod. “One of my favorite films was on at the dollar theater last weekend. It's about 10 years old and had George Clooney in it before he became a real star.”

“So... anything else you need?” Ethan asked.

“Have you got any fake fruit?” Xander grinned. “I'm looking for a tomato or two.”

“Let me check the back.” Ethan said with a smirk.

That night....

“Ha ha!” Professor Gangreen said as he pulled out his small tape player to activate his two minions. He pressed play only for Joan Jett's 'I Love Rock and Roll' to come out of the speakers instead of the usual heavy rock he used to make his warriors.

“Well this is different.” Profressor Gangreen said as he visually examined the two female minions that wouldn't have looked out of place headlining at a biker themed strip club.

“Do you want to party?” One of the minions whispered into Gangreen's ear.

“I could be persuaded to.” Gangreen admitted with a grin.

“Let's burn it down!” The second minion shouted.

Many shenanigans ensued before the night was over.

Even after the statue had been shattered, the rest of the Scoobies wouldn't hear from Xander until just before Thanksgiving.

He was too busy fondling melons among other things.

A week after Halloween...

Buffy was torn. She was really into seeing Angel, but there was this new cute transfer. He was Irish and really charming.

The transfer's name was Liam too. It was almost too good to be true. She was seeing two different Irish men. They were both handsome but at times they were like night and day.

Mainly because she only saw them at different times. Liam the younger bought the fact she had a strict curfew like he did.

It was fairly convenient actually.

If Xander had been around he probably would have joked about her life being too much like a TV show.

But he wasn't, and it was sort of tearing Willow apart. The only plus side was that she was very aware that Oz, the bass player for one of the local bands was interested in her.

Buffy really wanted to see that relationship blossom at least a little.

While Xander had vanished after Halloween, many strange things were happening around town.

A local toxic waste repository had been looted, farmers markets had been vandalized and a local 'grower' had all of his potted pot plants stolen.

Only a few of these had been reported since the others weren't exactly... legal. The strangest thing was the upswing in purchases from the mall's Sam Goody by a white haired man that only bought vinyl records and cassette tapes.

Strange happenings indeed.

The old CRT plant...

“Soon.” Xander muttered as he finished tinkering with his latest concoction.

“How's it going boss?” Liam asked as he walked into the lab. He was grinning like a loon.

“Good Liam, good. The second wave is almost ready.” Xander grinned.

“What about the first. Are they still in... isolation?” Liam asked.

“Yes, they are. I don't need you meddling though. You have enough fun with the tanned ones.”

“Ah the carrots.” Liam grinned. “I do love the girls with the golden glow.”

“I know you do you womanizing Irish bastard.” Xander said with a sigh. “I never should have dug up that old limerick about Liam the Careless.”

“Well you did.” Liam grinned. “So... uhh... when are you coming back? The girls are still checking the obituaries for you.”

“Once the second wave is ready.” Xander told him. “After that... I'll let them all know what I've been up to. How is Edgar doing?”

“As far as I know, the cover of him being a gardener is working. He's already getting some positive responses from some of the women in town. Joyce among them.”

“Bless that giant Zucchini.” Xander said with a grin. “We need the money. Just keep an eye on the school for me. I'm very close to getting this right.”

“Will do boss.” Liam said before walking out. “Will do.”

“Just don't do Willow!” Xander called. “I mean it!”

The Day before Thanksgiving...

“They're ready.” Xander grinned as he looked at the two identical looking women dressed for a night of questionable activities on the town.

Liam nodded and began unbuttoning his pants.

Xander sighed and hummed a few bars causing Liam to revert back into the famine prone potato he really was. “Minions.” He said to himself. “I blame myself really.”

“I'm hungry.” One of his female minions said quietly.

“Soon. I need to prepare the others.” Xander told her. “Once you're all ready you can go hunting.”

“Good.” the woman grinned. A feral look on her face that was very different from the identical looking woman next to her.

Xander just nodded as he escorted them to their 'barracks'. He had several more groups to prepare for tonight. He also needed to prepare a little arm candy. It was time to see if tinkering with seedless watermelon was going to pay off or not.

Later that night...

“It's quiet but some of the alleys smelled funny.” Buffy said as she reported in after her first half of her patrol route for the evening.

“Smelled funny how?” Giles asked.

“Like... you know.” Buffy trailed off blushing.

“Buffy please elaborate.” Giles sighed.

“I'm not finding it but everywhere I go I swear I smell sex.” Buffy said quickly.

“She's not wrong.” Angel said as he came out from the stacks. “Willie's is practically empty and so is Spike's lair. Both places smell like an orgy of some type happened.”

“I don't have to fight sex demons do I?” Buffy almost screamed. “I saw a cartoon like that once. I don't do tentacles!”

Giles fought the urge to slap the nearly hysterical teen. “I highly doubt it Buffy. Those types have been isolated to Japan for well over two centuries. We will figure this out and stop whatever is behind it.”

“You'd stop me from ridding the town of bloodsucking demons? Really?” Xander asked as he came into the library. “What's the matter, don't like the competition?”

“Xander?” Buffy asked as she stared at her lost friend in shock. “You're alive!”

“And I have friends.” Xander said as two very beautiful women came into the library and stood next to him.

Angel couldn't help but stare at the two women. They were... mesmerizing. One of them gestured for Angel to follow her as she stepped out of the library and Angel found he couldn't help himself. He had to have her.

“Angel what are you doing?! Get back here!” Buffy called out.

Angel ignored her completely.

“That is probably going to be the last we see of him unless something interferes.” Xander grinned.

“What is going on?” Giles asked Xander.

“I am...a genius.” Xander told the Watcher.

“And I'm the bloody Queen of England. What is going on?” Giles repeated.

“On Halloween I turned into my costume.” Xander explained. “I dressed as one Professor Mortimer Gangreen. He was the 'mad' scientist in the Killer Tomato movie franchise. He was capable of turning tomatoes into humanoid minions via methods I'd rather not discuss. I just expanded the scope of his operation and came up with a revamped version of an old classic.” Xander grinned as he he rubbed his hands together.

“What's that exactly?” Giles asked.

“Why the old Bait and Switch of course!” Xander told him with a laugh. “You see I can make just about any plant into a humanoid. Sometimes the characteristics carry over. So I used a rather potent strain of female marijuana plants to act as the bait for vampires.”

“How would that work?” Giles asked. “Oh... right.”

“They're ripe and ready for fertilization.” Xander said with a nod. “Trust me it was hard work to keep them pristine for tonight.”

“And the switch?” Giles asked.

“Venus Flytraps.” Xander told him before giggling.

“You don't mean... You utter bastard!” Giles said before laughing himself.

“Wait... what?” Buffy asked.

“Oh dear.” Giles said. “You're not planning on killing Angel are you?” He asked Xander.

“He is a vampire.” Xander shrugged. “He has his instincts. and my girls have theirs.”

“You're going to kill him?” Buffy asked. “I've got to get to him.”

“Are you sure you wouldn't spend more time with Liam?” Xander asked her.

“How do you know about him?” Buffy demanded. “You've been gone for a month.”

“Here.” Xander said as he handed her an ugly looking potato and a piece of paper. “All you have to do is sing the song and you've got your boyfriend back.”

“You should probably run.” Giles told Xander.

“Eh. I've got a squadron of Cherry Tomatoes outside. They should distract her long enough for me to get away.” Xander told him.

“What is going on?” Buffy demanded.

“May I?” Giles asked as he took the paper and potato from Buffy. He looked at the paper and scowled. “Bloody Irish limericks. They're worse than genital warts.” He said before clearing his throat and singing.

Xander took that as his cue to skedaddle.

He was off school property before the Irish Lumper that was Liam turned back into his humanoid self.

He was well hidden by the time Buffy realized he was missing.

Angel was nowhere to be found. But two of his girls had been interrupted by a weird guy in a fedora.

Now he just had to tell Willow he was in a torrid relationship with two pumpkins and a cantaloupe.

He tried dating an apple and an orange at the same time, but they were just too different.


AN:Got the urge to revisit stuff so bad they still haven't rifftraxed them.

AN 2:Why hasn't anyone done a harry potter fic where Harry is the illegitimate grandson of Gangreen the Strange? The Darkest Herbologist in all of Europe? Timelines pretty much synch up since the first film came out in '78
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