If you can't get the stains out, use Bleach!
BTVS was created by Joss Whedon and produced by Mutant Enemy. Bleach and all characters involved were created by Tite Kubo and published by Shueisha Publishing Co.
AN: This is the first of probably a whole hell of a lot of different one-shots that leak from my ears as my brain over-percolates.
Somewhere in Soul Society's outer districts....
“Interesting.” Captain Aizen muttered as he started his examination of the hollow in front of him. This particular Hollow's special ability was to transverse dimensions. While a somewhat standard Holow power, this particular beast's power was capable of going to more places than just Soul Society and the human world. It was capable of slipping into alternate realities.
In case things went horribly wrong, which he doubted..... it would be nice to have a back-up plan. Such an ability would be useful. He was about to begin dissection on the Hollow when it managed to open a garganta around itself, completely bypassing the containment Kido he'd set up around the room they were in.
“Well shit.” Aizen said. “Note to self... make sure they stay unconscious.”
The real question was...where did the Hollow go?
Another reality and time.....
“We have slain the beast!” A man shouted. “It cost one of our bravest knights his soul and one of his swords, but Acathla is dead!”
Many cheers rang out as the army celebrated the fall of the hated demon.
The man waved for silence. “Our seers however have come to realize that while dead, it is only mostly dead. The beast who has sent so many to hell still has one portal left in it. That is why we need our bravest to take this beast's body and bury it far away from the hands of man and demonkind alike.”
There were a lot of boos to this.
“I know. It is a long and treacherous journey. We have to head to the west and traverse the seas until we reach the land of sun and sand past the land of silk.” The man said. “I will be leading this journey and will take all comers that will volunteer.”
Very few people did, but they had enough for the journey. Half died on the way there and most of the rest on the way home, but they succeeded. Acathla was buried and would remain so for all time.
Well, until someone decided that spot would be a good place for low income housing.
Crawford Street Mansion...
“It's always about the blood isn't it?” Angel sneered at Giles after having Drusilla pry the answer from the man with her hypnotic abilities. “The blood and soul of a noble knight slew the beast... and I know just the Knight to awaken it.”
“What are you on about?” Spike asked his Grandsire.
“We're going to use one of my beloved Buffy's friends for this.” Angelus said. “A human will send the world to hell, just like it was always meant to happen.”
Spike fought the urge to roll his eyes. Angelus had truly gone around the bend. If Hell came to earth, they would be just lower than humans. Something that he didn't want to see happen. He had to do something.
Something he'd probably regret, but something.
Before the big showdown....
“Will someone just shut him up!” Angelus said as Xander Harris sang another round of “It's a Small World”
“I have this Daddy.” Drusilla said as she started to unbutton her bodice. “Look into my eyes, see me, be in me.” She said as she started playing with her breasts.
“Dru, he's not looking at your eyes.” Angelus threw in.
“He's quiet isn't he?” Drusilla said with a mad grin. “Boys are so easy.”
“Your wish is my command master...” Xander said with an unblinking stare.
“Ohh.... I can have fun with this.” Drusilla purred.
“Dru I need him in one piece for the ritual...” Angelus muttered.
“Oh, he'll be intact.” Drusilla said with a wicked smirk.
“Oh for god sakes, do I have to be conscious for this?” Giles sighed. “Or in the same room?”
Angelus did the Watcher a favor and knocked him out before walking out of the room. He really didn't want to see this.
“Now... where were we...” Drusilla said as she straddled the bound teen.
“I feel...dirty.” Xander said as he woke up.
“You should.” Giles said. “You really should. I never did anything like that when I was your age and I was evil.”
“She hypnotized me.” Xander defended. “She has magical mind powers.”
“Yeah... 'mind powers.'” Giles muttered. “I'll see you in Hell Xander.”
“Hey, Buffy might show up in time.” Xander offered.
“When has she ever been on time for anything?” Giles asked.
“We're boned.” Xander sighed. “At least I won't die a virgin.”
“Grab him.” Angelus told his minions “It's time.”
“And here we go.” Xander said as the vampires untied him and dragged him towards Acathla. “You can't make me do it.”
“Bazooms.” Drusilla intoned softly.
“Yes master.” Xander said before reaching for the sword in the stone demon. He grabbed the hilt of the sword and pulled.
Both Xander and Acthla disappeared into a white void that closed up behind them.
“Well... that was anticlimactic.” Angelus said. “Dru?”
“Huh.” Drusilla said. “I didn't see that coming.”
“Am I in hell yet?” Giles called from the other room. “The suspense is killing me!”
“Will someone go kill him please?” Angelus sighed. “I need to think.”
That was when the front door was broken down by an angry Slayer.
“Nevermind.” Angelus grinned. “New plan. Get her!”
“Am I in Hell?” Xander asked the little green haired girl that was staring at him.
“Yes!” the little girl said. “You're in Hell, with Nelliel!”
“Super.” Xander said as he sat up and looked around. “ I somehow imagined lakes of fire and clowns and instead I get preschoolers and a huge desert.”
“Did someone say clowns?” A masked individual with a huge head asked as he popped up out of the sand.
“AAAHH!!!” Xander screamed before reaching for the sword he'd arrived with.
“Was it something I said?” Dondochakka asked as he scratched his huge head.
“Stay back!” Xander said as he started swinging the sword wildly.
“Say... do you think he's a Shinigami?” Pesche asked as he popped up out of the sand as well.
“In that shirt?” Dondochakka snorted. “I think he's a tourist.”
“Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on and why am I talking to two Beetlejuice knock-offs?” Xander shouted.
“You don't know where you are do you?” Nelliel lisped.
“No, I don't. Last thing I know I was saying I wasn't going to pull this sword out of a demon and....stupid post-hypnotic suggestion!” Xander swore as he stared at the sword in his hand.
“Hypnosis huh? Been there.” Pesche said with a nod.
“Bare breasts get me every time.” Xander sighed as he looked around. “So... now what?”
“I think I have a pamphlet somewhere.” Dondochakka said as he reached into his pockets. “Ah! Here!” He said as he handed Xander a folded piece of paper.
“Hollows and You.” Xander read aloud as he looked at the cover. “All right, I'll bite.” He said before turning the page.
“Me Too!” Nelliel said before biting Xander's ankle.
“Get her off!” Xander said as he started shaking his leg.
“Conga line!” Pesche shouted. “Everybody Dance!”
And so Xander was introduced to his insane new family. It was a fun life of killing hollows, eating them and listening to the new voice in his head who called itself 'Bob' of all things.
'Bob' was a battleaxe of some sort but Xander ignored him most of the time.
Well he did until he started running into those Espada guys. 'Bob' was real handy then.