Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and Marvel Universe characters belong to their original owners.
Striding purposefully down the halls of Avengers Mansion one evening, Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, was already savoring the rare delicacy he would soon persuade Jarvis to again create for him. This loyal manservant maintaining the world-famous residence for a superhero team responsible for protecting humanity always made a truly fantastic chocolate shake. Aye, Midgard had changed greatly over the centuries to possess many more marvels of all kinds now that mankind had learned so much since Thor had last visited this dimension, but nothing comparable to a glorious concoction of milk, ice cream, and the wonder which was chocolate.
The expectant smile on Thor’s rugged face abruptly shifted into a concerned expression when he approached the open double doors to one of the mansion’s recreation rooms. He’d just heard from inside there a word which this god never wished to listen to ever again. Clapping a hand to the right side of his waist where Mjolnir, the mighty uru metal hammer of Thor, dangled from his belt, the blond-haired deity plucked free his weapon and he held it ready as he burst into the room.
Standing there in his archaic costume, eager for battle and searching for likely enemies, Thor cast a swift glance around the room, while also booming in his deep bass voice to the only other occupants there, “Where is the vile creature I heard thee speak of, brave comrades? Show me its lair, and I shalt send it soon enow back to Hel!”
The two humans seated together on a couch in front of a big-screen television just stared in complete befuddlement at their unexpected visitor. This wasn’t how their movie night was supposed to start off.
Cautiously eyeing Thor looking all set to lay waste to everything in his vicinity, Clint Barton, alias Hawkeye the Archer, asked, “Uh, big guy, could you be a little bit more specific? We didn’t hear any alarms telling us this place was under attack.”
At her husband’s side, the superheroine known as Mockingbird to those unaware of her real name of Bobbi Morse Barton nodded her head in quick agreement, until she blinked in sudden comprehension. In her clear alto, Clint’s wife corrected him, “Honey, I think he heard part of what we were arguing about.” Glancing at the puzzled Norse god, Bobbi inquired of him, “Did you catch me mentioning the word ‘vampire’, Thor?”
Relaxing slightly due to there being no evident signs of potential conflict right this minute, Thor courteously replied to a valiant woman he well respected, “Aye, my lady, I hath several unpleasant encounters an age ago with these cowardly blood-drinkers skulking in the night. I did not ken they were still bothering the dwellers of thine homeland.”
Both Clint and Bobbi instantly burst into loud laughter at Thor’s last words, leaving him even more confused. Handing the full bowl of popcorn she’d been holding over to Clint, Bobbi chuckled, “Thor, vampires are still around, but most people here think they’re just a myth. Which is how one of my favorite tv programs got on the air in the first place. I was trying to talk Clint into watching some of the episodes with me tonight.”
Bemusedly glancing at the other man, Thor now heard from Hawkeye while the expert bowman put an impressively-muscled left arm around his wife’s shoulders and gave her a fond hug, “Yeah, Bobbi introduced me to the series. I was still working at the circus when the show was first airing, so I never saw any of it then. She clued me in, and I have to admit, I turned into a fan of ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’.”
A respectful look swiftly passed over Thor’s features, with him then telling the others, “From what I recall, few of thine race could successfully stand in single combat against these fanged monsters. Truly, this Buffy must be a great warrior, tall and powerful.”
This time, both humans just managed to keep their hilarity under control, not wanting to further mystify their oversized friend unfamiliar with virtually all of American popular culture of the twentieth century. Instead, Bobbi gladly announced, “Hey, Thor, I know the perfect show to introduce you to the Buffyverse! C’mon and sit down with us, and we can get started!”
Enthusiastically waving him over, the woman picked up a complicated tv remote from the couch’s side table, and she started to bring up the specific episode from the supernatural television series. Fortunately, Tony Stark had already put up virtually anything ever presented on the airwaves in the mansion’s computers, so the opening credits soon began rolling.
Before then, Thor had given an accepting shrug, and putting Mjolnir back on his belt, the god walked over to the couch. Sitting down at the far end, the massive weight of this superhero squashed flat the cushions there, making it necessary for Hawkeye in the middle to tilt over in the opposite direction to keep his balance. Not to mention holding onto the popcorn bowl to prevent its contents from spilling. Taking this in stride, the human began to recite for an increasingly-interested thunder god about such topics as Sunnydale, the Hellmouth, and the Scooby Gang. Clint went on speaking without a break, confining himself to only an irritated glower, when Thor absently took a good half of the popcorn in a single grab of an enormous hand and tossed this snack into his mouth.
Nearly an hour later, Clint and Bobbi cuddling together at the other end of the couch broke apart when the end credits appeared. Both stretched and then glanced over at where Thor was still sitting, only to abruptly shift into full alertness at seeing the look of absolute wrath now upon their companion’s face. In the next instant, this champion of Asgard surged upright onto his feet, to then angrily shake a clenched fist towards the now-dark television screen, all while bellowing at the top of his lungs, “I SAY THEE NAY! ‘TIS ONE THING TO TAKE A DEFEATED FOE’S WEAPON AS A TROPHY, BUT TO FURTHER USE SUCH A BASE TOOL SHALT NOT BE COUNTENANCED FORTHWITH!”
Bobbi and Clint traded identical incredulous stares at how much thicker Thor’s absurd phrasing was developing in his rage. Not even Doctor Strange had ever come up with any reasonable explanation of just why the mystical translation spell accompanying Thor and other Asgardians when they paid a visit to Earth, which allowed these deities to be understood by humans when speaking their native language, always resulted in them sounding exactly like mediocre actors in a fifth-rate Shakespearean production. Privately, most of the Avengers suspected it had something to do with Thor’s half-brother Loki, a malicious trickster of no small renown.
Wisely decided now was not the time to bring this up, Clint instead tried to divert Thor now stomping back and forth across the room, and making the entire mansion shake in its foundations, “Hey, fella, what’s the problem? There’s no point in being so excited over a made-up television story! It’s like, like…getting mad about tall tales told around a campfire!”
For some reason, this comment caused Thor to halt in his tracks and turn to where the two superheroes on the couch were worriedly watching him. With a very grave expression now upon his face, the thunder god slowly shook his head in stern disagreement, rumbling, “Ye know not of what ye speak, Hawkeye. We Asgardians are aware of the Nine Worlds, and also those other uncountable dimensions we rarely venture into. But now that I have seen with mine own eyes, I am forced to travel to what thou hast named the Buffyverse, and end a blameless woman’s act of dishonor.”
Reaching down to once more take up Mjolnir, Thor grasped his hammer by the strap at its end, and he started to spin this weapon around over his head. Calling out to the gaping humans over the growing rush of his magical hammer beginning to dimensionally transport him, Thor informed the couple, “Mention to the other Avengers that I wilt be away for a time, first to mine home in Asgard, and then to meet Buffy Summers.”
A concerned Bobbi shouted over the enchanted winds, “Wait a second! Maybe you should come back here before that, so we can talk about this some more!” Mockingbird barely got out her final words when Thor vanished from sight in a bright flash of light. At least he’d heard her, given the sudden pensive look on his face right before disappearing, and hopefully the thunder god was considering this. Bobbi now turned to her husband still next to herself on the couch, who lifted both hands in a who-me? gesture.
Smirking at his wife, Clint sardonically commented, “Dear, I think you shouldn’t have shown Goldilocks the ‘Triangle’ episode, with Olaf the troll and all. I read once those ugly critters, along with the ice giants, were his usual opponents, so he might’ve not particularly cared about seeing another one of those guys he couldn’t clobber right away.”
Bobbi sent an evil glare towards somebody who was going to spend the next couple of nights sleeping elsewhere besides their connubial bed if he didn’t immediately knock it off. In a very frosty tone, she snapped, “Listen, you jerk, it’s not like I picked a really awful episode like ‘Beer Bad’ or one of the others!”
Enjoying how his wife was really getting into it, Clint snickered, “Hey, Sarah Michelle Gellar was pretty funny in that! Though, I gotta agree with you, ‘I Robot You Jane’ was the lowest point of the series.”