Despite the chapter title, I honestly have no clue where this came from. As always, I own none of these characters. Marvel does, and JKR, and possibly even KFC. Who knows!
“It’s a cool summer night; the streetlamps have only just turned on after the sun sunk below the horizon. A breeze wisps through the street, shuffling leaves around here and there before disappearing. A silent figure slips through the shadows as they grow longer, working his way across the roofs of these very, very hinky houses. Who is this handsomely masked man? For what purpose does he brave the edge of the world at night? And can you get his number? Maybe! He pauses to scan the area, and then leaps for the next chimney. He is graceful like a greased lemur! Showing all the skills of a pirate ninja! And it doesn’t hurt that he’s quite the dashing-”
Cut that out!
“Hey, I’m just setting the scene!”
That’s what this
is for. Stick to your own script!
“Babe, if you knew anything, you’d know that’s all
I stick to, unless we’re talkin’ a little bow-chicka-”
as he suddenly ran out of roof and fell into a briar patch. Full of briars.
“Oh, no, Br’er Narr’er, don’t fling me in dat briar-” Unfortunately, his loud mouth woke up a nest full of adders.
“Well, now…” Which frightened a family of skunks.
“Oh, now that’s just-!” Who pissed off the snakes.
“Son of a-!”
After several minutes, the shrieks died down, and Deadpool staggered out of the briar patch, puffed and bleeding, and thorns stinging in several uncomfortable places.
“I’d hold a grudge, but this is actually going better than that time I asked the Phoenix out. Geez, you wanna talk about hot! “
As his body slowly patched everything back up, Deadpool looked around.
“So where'm I sposed to be, anyway?”
If he’d paid attention earlier instead of trying to narrate his own story-
“That was quality stuff!”
That he was in Godric’s Hollow.
Deadpool paled. “Oh, no. No, no, you are not sticking me with a kid again! They already tried that in another continuity, and lookit how poor Arthur Bea Wilson turned out! I mean, he kicked off-” he shuddered, “-a superhero team.
Sure, it was an Avengers knockoff, (so that gets the kid some points), but seriously!
No. Nuh-uh. Not happening!”
Fortunately, Harry was much too old for Deadpool to brainwash.
“Are you saying I’m a bad parent?”
In fact, the reason Deadpool was here-
“Is because of me,” a soft voice said. Wait, what? No!
” Deadpool gasped, apparently recognizing the girl.
“Indeed,” the girl said lightly.
“I should kill you right where you stand!” he exclaimed, pointing his finger at her accusingly.
“Probably!” she agreed cheerfully.
“But I won’t until you answer one question, one main burning, important question...” he trailed off, staring at her.
“Who are you?!”
Oh, what the hell!
The girl smiled, stepping fully into the light. “My name is Luna. I’m here to kill you.” DUN-DUNUT-DUNNNNN!A guitar solo to Secret Agent Man begins as the sunrise flares behind the silhouette of a ninja riding a bike.
Meets LunaCredits follow throughout the song as the ninja
Aygent Maaa’aaannnnn…” the guitar fades, and the ninja’s bike runs out of gas.
“Man, I love that song. Wait, what?
” Deadpool slapped himself. “You’re here to what?”
“Kill you.” Luna frowned. “I was given to understand you had a healing factor. Are your ears too badly damaged for it to cope? That was a very nasty family of skunks…”
“Of course not! Why would you ask a silly thing like that?”
“Well, you seemed confused, and you don’t seem to have any wrackspurts floating about your head.”
“Killed ‘em all,” Deadpool said. “Weeeeelll,
kinda. I had Cable do it. While he was sleeping.” He leaned to the side. “Never sleep in the same room with him without a gas mask,”
“Who are you whispering to?” Luna asked.
“Oh, just the audience.”
“Now why would you go and do a silly thing like that?” Luna said, thankfully clueless. “They’re never going to end up in the same room with him.” Dammit.
“Hey, you never know with these self-insert fics!” Deadpool defended himself. “And can we get back to the part where you’re trying to kill me?
I mean, it’s gonna cut into my chai tea time.”
In truth, Deadpool had been hired by Voldemort to assassinate Harry Potter-
“Exactly,” Luna replied, and can we please stop interrupting the storyline?
To assassinate Harry Potter,
Deadpool had to find him. Hogwarts was obvious, but as he had mentioned earlier, it was a cool summer
night, which meant Harry was somewhere else. Godric’s Hollow seemed like a good place to start.
“So you see,” Luna said calmly. “I couldn’t just let you go and kill Harry Potter.”
“Oh, trust me kid,” Deadpool said, “He’s probably happier that way. You know how prophecies go down, all doom and gloom and bitter twist. I’m making the world a happier place by messing with them!”
“Indubitably. But I mean to sex him up by sixth year, and I can’t very well do that if his heart’s not pumping blood anywhere.”
“There’s a trick to that, you have to-” Deadpool inexplicably lost his voice.What? Wait, hey, I didn’t actually- ew! There was this cult in an alternate timeline that had a ritual about doing a corpse to life. It was a whole thing!
“Regardless, I quite like my warm, living Harry, so I’m going to have to shoot you.” She pulled out a pair of doorknobs. “Would you prefer head, or heart?”
Deadpool pulled out a pair of guns. “Might ask you the same question- did I fire five bullets- or six?
Deadpool collapsed to the ground, unconscious. “Head it is, then,” Luna said calmly, picking her doorknob back up. “Hm. I can see why he uses these.” She put them away and rustled around in her backpack. “Ah, perfect!” She took out a cherry-pink bonnet and tapped it lightly with her wand. “Transportus Beamus Cataclysticus!
When Deadpool came to, he found himself crammed into a rather toddler-sized cradle wearing nothing but a bonnet, a diaper, and a paper sack with holes. His bleary eyes landed on the banner hanging overhead. RegressionCon
“Oh. Oh, you’ve done it now, crazy wizarding girl, this means WAR