Not the Missus.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Addams Family, nor do I own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is a fan-made crossover. Please support the official releases.
Xander knocked on the door of Willow's house with a smile on his face. Yes, it was early still, but he was pretty certain Willow would be the only one home. The Rosenbergs were always away at some psychological convention or another this time of year.
It was a few moments later that a groggy looking Willow opened the door, but she perked up on seeing who it was. "Xander, what are you doing here? It's pretty early, is everything alright?" She suddenly looked worried. "You're not a vampire now, are you? Oh, no, it's sunny out--"
"Nothing as bad as that, no." Xander interrupted, quick to reassure her. It was obvious she'd been thinking of Jesse. He wouldn't be surprised if she'd had nightmares tonight. The little sleep Xander had managed to get was fraught with vague and unsettling images. Gathering his thoughts, he continued, "Just a little trouble at home, thought I'd come here to cool off."
"Oh, Xander." Willow sighed, then sent a shy smile his way. "Well, come on inside. It's early enough the morning cartoons are still on."
"Alright!" Xander exclaimed. "Now if only your parents would buy cereal with actual sugar in it, instead of that wheat junk."
"I happen to like that wheat junk." Willow said, as they both wandered inside and started fixing some cereal. They quickly made their way to the couch and turned on the TV. The mood was a little somber, as they both still felt the missing presence of their lost friend.
That quickly changed as Xander took a bite of his cereal. "Ugh, what is this junk?"
"Tastes fine to me." Willow answered.
"This wheat junk tastes even worse than normal now, though- did you guys switch brands?"
"Mom bought organic. She says it's healthier."
"That's the problem, then. I swear anything that tastes this healthy can't be good for you." Xander shivered in mock disgust.
They soon finished up, and sat together in silence for awhile. Finally Xander spoke up. "Hey Willow," he started. "It... it was pretty bad this time. I don't think I can go back there. They kind of kicked me out of the family."
Willow nodded worriedly, asking, "But then, where will you stay?"
"I was hoping to crash here for a few nights," Xander replied. "Just until your parents get home. I'll figure something out after that."
"O-okay," Willow blushed. "But my parents will freak if they find out, so we really have to get you someplace more permanent to stay."
Xander nodded. The quiet was suddenly interrupted by a beeping noise from upstairs.
"That's my alarm clock," Willow said. "Time to get up. I guess I should go get ready for school. Will you be alright?"
"I've got a change of clothes with me, though it's not the best outfit. I'll just borrow your guest shower and we'll head to school."
They both wandered off to get ready, and after a quick shower Xander found himself staring at his backpack. "Well, there goes my reputation." He muttered to himself, pulling out the old suit-- the only clothing he'd managed to grab.
It was still haphazardly attached to the hanger, exactly as it had been when he'd gotten it after Grandpa Harris passed away. It was a dark colored suit with bold pinstripes, and even had a black tie packed with it. There'd never been an occasion to wear it before, but now... now it was pretty much all he had.
Slipping out of his jeans and hawaiian shirt, Xander quickly put on the pants and dress shirt. Looking in the mirror, he was surprised how much it reminded him of his costume from that Addams Family play. "Time to go for broke, then." He shrugged, before slipping on the suit coat and struggling with the tie.
By the time he was finished, he really did look like Gomez Addams again. His hair was the wrong color, and lacked the gel that he'd worn during the play, but the resemblance was there. "Well chap," he joked to himself. "You're an Addams now. Might as well make the best of it."
He stepped out of the bathroom and right into a surprised Willow. "Xander? What are you wearing?"
"Grandpa's suit. I thought I'd practice some of that old family charm," he joked. "But really, it's the only thing I managed to grab before I had to leave. Does it look bad?"
"Uh, n-no." Willow pinked. "It, it actually looks pretty good on you. It just surprised me. It looks kind of like--"
"The school play, I know." Xander nodded.
Willow looked away, her eyes catching on the kitchen clock. "Oh my god, Xander, we're going to be late!" She exclaimed.
Xander chuckled, moving towards the door. "You're right- we'd better hurry," he joked. "We wouldn't want to mess up that perfect attendance record of yours."
"I'll have you know I work hard to keep those tardies away, mister." Willow mock-growled. The two teens hurried out the door and towards school.
"Hey, you think being kicked out means I can call myself in sick? There's got to be some advantage there." Xander joked.
Willow giggled a bit before giving him a stern look. "No skipping school, buster."
The two continued to laugh their whole way to class, the mood much brighter than it had started that morning. They arrived just on time, much to Willow's relief.
Science class was first, where Xander was a little disappointed to find that Dr. Gregory was out sick... at least, he was disappointed until he met the substitute teacher, Miss Natalie French.
They had an entertaining lesson on praying mantises, and Xander was overjoyed to receive an invite to work with Miss French on a model for the science fair at her house after class.
There was something about Miss French that drew him to her, though he couldn't quite figure out what. Sure, she was an absolute knock-out, but there was something more. She just seemed so unique compared to everyone else.
The rest of school went as it normally did, but lunchtime found Xander meeting up with Buffy and Willow, who were gossiping over some boy.
Xander just poked at his cafeteria food with his fork. "Anyone know what this green stuff is?" he asked. "I think it's kale, or possibly string cheese... but whatever it is, it's delicious!"
Willow and Buffy turned to him in disgust.
"How can you eat that stuff?" Buffy asked. "It's disgusting."
"I don't know." Xander answered. "I must just be really hungry, because this and the mystery meat are the best food I've tasted all day. All week even."
Willow just shook her head. "So... what's this about the vampires?" She asked.
Buffy shrugged. "Apparently there's some new evil sect in town. You know how it is..." She soon was explaining to her two friends about the whole Order of Aurelius thing... at least, until Willow noticed that boy they were talking about sitting alone.
Xander kind of tuned out what followed, half in jealousy and half because he had bigger worries on his mind, but he paid enough attention to know that they were all visiting the Bronze later that night, and apparently Buffy had a date. Just as Buffy and this Owen guy were finalizing their plans, a scream rang out through the cafeteria.
Everyone headed to the source of the scream, where they found Cordelia staring in shock at the corpse of Dr. Gregory. "His head! Where's his head!" Cordelia kept screaming.
The discovery was quite shocking to Xander, Willow, and Buffy, who wound up heading to the library.
Giles jumped a little. "Oh, Xander, it's just you... uh, and the girls, of course. Oh dear," he said, seeing their faces. "What happened?"
"It's Dr. Gregory," said an inconsolate Buffy. "He's dead. Cordelia found him in one of the school refrigerators."
"Who would want to kill Dr. Gregory?" Willow asked.
"N, no one that I know of," said Giles. "He had no enemies among the staff. A civilized man... I rather liked him." He shook his head.
"We're going to find out who did this, and we're going to stop them." Buffy said, determination in her voice. "I got a warning earlier today, from Cryptic Guy, about some vampire with a fork for a hand. Fork Guy. Do you think that's who did this?"
"I don't think so. The texts speak of a vampire who displeased the, the Master, the local vampire king, and so cut off his own hand in penance. But I don't think the killing fits."
Giles pulled out a newspaper article about a murder in Weatherly Park. The corpse had been shredded, and the blood drained- nothing like Dr. Gregory.
"So you're saying that we've got two supernatural menaces in town?" Xander asked.
"No," Giles replied. "There's likely many more, but, three current concerns. We have whatever killed Dr. Gregory. We have, as Buffy so succinctly put it, 'Fork Guy', and finally, we have the order of Aurelius."
"Just great." Xander said. "Maybe we'll get lucky and they'll decide to leave us alone and start a band. 'Fork Guy and the Order of Aurelius.'"
No one laughed. Giles shook his head. "With the order of Aurelius in town I've found myself particularly concerned, especially as we are unsure of their goals." He looked down at the book he was holding, then corrected himself. "Were unsure of their goals."
"So what's the deal, then?" Buffy asked.
"There's an ancient prophecy," Giles explains. "It says here that on the evening of the thousandth day after the advent of Septus, the Anointed One, a, a, a warrior will rise from the ashes of the five, and, well, return the Master to his power."
"Not of the good, then." Buffy said. "So when is this thousandth day after the September thingy?"
"The advent of Septus. By my calculations, well, it's... it's tonight."
Willow interrupted with information and Buffy's date, and the conversation soon dissolved into a half-hearted argument, which Giles summarily won. Xander only paid half attention, still thinking about his experience in the park.
"... and that is why we will have to postpone all other engagements... even, unfortunately, tracking down Dr. Gregory's killer." Giles was saying. "If the master rises there will be nothing left to--"
"Hey, Giles?" Xander interrupted. "Have you ever heard of anyone bluffing a vampire out of eating them?"
"Bluffing?" Giles shook his head. "I suppose it is possible, but generally speaking a vampire has nothing to fear from a, a human. There are a few demonic species which induce a natural fear reaction, but I'd really be rather surprised to hear of any such thing working with an ordinary person."
"Well, surprise!" Xander shrugged. "I, um, I kind of bluffed two vampires in the park this morning. Before sunrise."
"You what?" Buffy interrupted, as Giles removed his glasses and slowly started polishing them.
"Hey, it's not like I planned it!" Xander made excuses, not liking the looks of worry on his friends' faces. "It just kind of happened, you know?"
"I don't really know, no." Giles said. "How, how exactly did you manage to find yourself in this situation? What were you doing outside before sunrise?"
"My parents kind of kicked me out for being out so late last night."
"Well, then you'll just have to endeavor not to anger them again." Giles said. "Sunnydale is much, much too dangerous for you to be out alone after dark."
"I don't think that's going to work." Xander replied. "They kind of kicked me out... permanently."
"Oh dear, are you certain? Sometimes parents say thing that..." Giles trailed off, the look on Xander's face answer enough.
"It's why I'm wearing this suit. It was pretty much the only thing I could grab on my way out."
"I had noticed," Giles said. "I just wrote it off as another of the vagaries of, of teen fashion. Well, this, this just won't do. We'll have to make some arrangements. But, you say you bluffed two vampires?"
"Yeah." Xander said. "I thought I was done for, so I just kind of joked around, acting like Gomez Addams, and--"
"Gomez Addams?" Giles interrupted.
"From the Addams Family," Willow explained. "There was this middle-school play, it was a whole thing."
"Y-yes," Giles looked slightly peeved. "I am not so totally cut off from society as to be unaware of the source material. But why Gomez Addams?"
"Well, I couldn't exactly be Xander Harris, what with just being kicked out of the Harrises. So I decided to be Xander Addams."
"I see." Giles replied. "And how exactly did the vampires react?"
"Well, they seemed pretty spooked, to be honest. I was smiling pretty widely as I invited them to play a game, and the one vampire said that with the slayer in town, well, I guess they didn't want any more surprises."
"So then they just let you go?" Buffy asked. "That's not normal behavior."
"Not exactly." Xander replied. "I, I kinda sorta maybe... chased them a bit."
"You chased them." Giles stated, his voice flat. "Xander, this is no time for jokes. If you really did meet up with vampires, then it's, it's a miracle you're still alive."
"I'm not joking," Xander defended. "The other vampire said I didn't look human, and they started to run, so I just kind of ran after them for a few blocks. Shortly after that it was light enough I felt I could go to Willow's."
The conversation continued in this vein for awhile, with more incredulous and worried comments from Giles, Buffy, and Willow. Once it became clear that there wasn't anything else, the conversation turned to Xander's living arrangements.
"I believe I'll be having some words with your parents, Xander," stated Giles. "Abandoning you to the streets, especially in this town, is not just negligent- it's tantamount to murder."
"Don't bother," said Xander. "I'm actually kind of glad to be done with them. There's enough bad blood there, why not just let things end?"
"Be that as it may, though," argued Giles. "You will still need a place to stay."
"It's okay. He's staying with me, at least until my parents get back." said Willow.
"I'm not entirely certain that's appropriate." said Giles. "But I suppose it will suffice for now... what of when the Rosenbergs return?"
"I haven't really thought that far ahead." admitted Xander.
"Well, I suppose this offer isn't entirely appropriate either, but you're welcome to stay at my apartment. At least, until we find a more permanent solution."
"Thanks, G-man." Xander said, feeling a sense of gratitude towards the watcher. "It'll be nice not to risk sleeping in the... park... again..." Xander trailed off as a thought occurred to him. "Oh no! I'm going to be late to meeting with Miss French. Blayne's going tomorrow, and if I miss this he'll never let me live it down."
"You go off and do that," Buffy said. "I'll just be out patrolling the graveyards. Every girl's dream, you know?"
The group split up, with Giles following Buffy, and Willow staying at the library to see if she could track down more information on Dr. Gregory's killer.
Xander made his way to Miss French's office. A short conversation with the sexy substitute had him agreeing to head to her house instead, where she'd left the materials for the project. She gave him the address, which wasn't far from school, and told him to meet her there in ten minutes. Apparently she had some cleaning up to do first.
Xander was glad that the rest of the Scoobies were busy tonight, because he had a feeling that they'd do their best to prevent him from going. He knew nothing sexy was going to happen-- Miss French was a teacher, after all-- but just being invited to her home was amazing. You couldn't blame a guy for fantasizing a bit, anyways.
Making his way leisurely to his teacher's house, Xander started humming the Addams family tune again. Arriving at the house, he was greeted at the door by his teacher in a low cut dress. He had trouble tearing his eyes away from her... assets, but after a deep breath convinced himself not to stare too much. After all, he didn't want to be kicked out.
"Would you like a drink, Xander?" Miss French purred, pouring two margaritas. She seemed to notice what she was doing a second later, because she said "Oh, I'm sorry- would you like me to get you some soda instead?"
"N-no." Xander replied. "This is fine." He sat down and took a big sip. The flavor was sweet, with a strong alcoholic aftertaste, and something else he couldn't quite figure out. Whatever that secret ingredient was, it really made the flavor of the drink. He'd never had something that tasted so good.
"Are you nervous, Xander?" Miss French questioned. "I only ask because being around you like this... all alone... together... makes me as nervous as a schoolgirl on her first date. But oh, you're probably as cool as a cucumber, aren't you?"
Xander babbled on a bit about greek food and cucumbers, nowhere near as cool as his teacher apparently thought he was. The two talked a bit, with what even Xander could tell was a not insignificant amount of flirting, even as a somewhat oblivious teenage boy. As the conversation wore on, however, Miss French (who had since asked him to call her Natalie) seemed to get more and more impatient.
Finally getting a clue, Xander asked, "Oh, are you waiting for us to get started on the project? You seem a little preoccupied."
"No, you silly boy," Miss French laughed. "I was actually waiting for the sedative."
"Sedative?" Xander asked, completely nonplussed. What did she mean by that?
"It seems waiting isn't getting us anywhere, however," said Miss French, her voice oddly changing timbre. She stood up, and her form shifted into some hideous insect, reminiscent of a giant praying mantis. "I guess we'll just have to do this the hard way." the monster said.
Xander noticed the creature's arm heading towards his head, but it was too fast to dodge. He was hit, and instantly blacked out.
He came to an indeterminate time later, locked in a cage. The monster-- Miss French-- was over by a large bed, adjusting some leather straps.
"What do you want with me?" Xander shouted. He was hoping he'd be able to distract her long enough for Buffy, or anyone else, to find him... but then he remembered that Buffy was busy patrolling with Giles on the other side of town. There'd be no help for him tonight.
"Oh, Xander, it's good you're awake- we're about ready to get started." Said the mantis-lady. "But really, what a silly question. I told you before, we're making egg sacs." She turned her head completely around, so that her body was still facing the bed, but her head was facing Xander. "Didn't you know I invited you here to fertilize my eggs?"
"F-fertilize?" Xander muttered. He had actually been paying attention in class when they'd gone over praying mantises, and knew very well what happened to the male after mating. Suddenly everything made sense. "You're the one who killed Dr. Gregory!" he exclaimed.
"He got in my way." said Miss French. "Now be quiet, I'm laying our babies."
More than a little freaked out, Xander did as he was told. This was just great. After escaping the vampires this morning it seemed he was destined to die to some oversized insect. And there wasn't going to be any bluffing, or a last minute rescue this time.
Still, that meant there was nothing to lose. If he was going to go out, he'd die on his feet, fighting. Like an Addams. Quickly taking stock of the situation, he found a weakness in the cage that, with the help of a nearby iron bar, he was able to pry apart. Grateful for the fact that Miss French was occupied, he gingerly made his way past the sharp edges of the mesh cage and into the basement room.
The door was only a dozen steps away. Unfortunately, the bed, and Miss French herself, were in between him and his escape.
Even worse, Miss French had finished with the eggs, and had noticed him. "So eager, Mr. Harris? I guess you do find me sexy." said the She-Mantis, her voice horribly disturbing to the youth.
Taking a deep breath, Xander steeled himself. He'd seen those discovery channel videos with Jesse, of the praying mantis fighting hummingbirds and various other things. He knew they were fast. He knew there wasn't a chance in hell that he could beat her. Still... he'd fight. And besides, there was a correction to be made. To hell with this!
Straightening up, he slipped into character. "My name isn't Harris, Madam. I am an Addams! EN GARDE!"
He lunged forward, swinging the iron rod with all of his might. Miss French was quicker, though, and a swipe of her blade-like arm knocked it from his hand.
"I don't care who you are, boy. Now, mate with me!" Miss French reached forward, planning to capture Xander between her arms, but he ducked and rolled out of the way. Spotting the iron bar in a corner of the room, he ran over quickly and picked it up, just barely dodging another strike from the She-Mantis's arms.
"Lovely offer, my dear lady," joked Xander. "But I'm afraid I'll have to decline. My wife would kill me!"
"You don't even have a wife!" shouted the enraged Mantis Lady. She jabbed forward with a serrated arm, then swept a leg out to trip him.
"Not yet!" Xander quipped. He quickly sidestepped the jab, then jumped over the sweep. He had no idea how he was dodging these strikes, but he was already tiring. This couldn't last long.
Quickly coming up with a plan, Xander tossed the iron rod at his substitute teacher's head. She tried to swat it out of the air, but misjudged the hit, so that one end knocked her across the face. She looked dazed.
Taking advantage of the situation, Xander rushed past the monster and up the staircase, coming out into the house's kitchen. Unfortunately, the Mantis Lady wasn't stunned for long, and quickly caught up with him. Xander found himself backed up against the kitchen counter, with nowhere to run, and nowhere to dodge.
Knowing he had nowhere to go, the She-Mantis stopped to gloat. "Any last words I should tell our children?"
Noticing something behind him, Xander smiled. "Oh yes, please, teach them our family motto. Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc!" he said.
The mantis looked perplexed. "What does that mean?"
"We gladly feast on those who would subdue us!" Xander shouted, reaching behind him for the knives in the chopping block. With a speed that would have surprised even Buffy, he tossed one knife after another at the creature.
Each shot hit a joint in a limb, and the final hit struct directly at the neck joint. With an odd sort of gasping noise, the She-Mantis quivered and fell to the ground, great spurts of goo splattering across the kitchen, and across Xander himself.
"Okay," Xander panted. "That was NOT normal." He then licked some of the goo off his fingertips. "Mmmm, it tastes like twinkie filling!" Then he realized what he'd done. "Okay, that wasn't normal either. Really freaking out here!"
Xander groaned. He was alone in his substitute's house with the corpse of a giant praying mantis sprawled across the floor. This wasn't good. When Miss French went missing, Xander'd probably be the prime suspect. There was only one thing to do-- it was an unofficial tenant of being an Addams that, no matter what an Addams does, he never gets caught. Unless he wants to, and Xander most definitely didn't want to. He found a pack of matches in one of the kitchen drawers, then headed down to the basement and grabbed some cans of gasoline, spreading them around the house. A spark later, and Xander was on the front lawn, watching the flames through the kitchen window.
"Sorry madam," Xander chuckled. "I guess I'm not ready for children yet. Still, I'll always remember you as one hot lady! Heh." He paused a moment, watching the flames reach the second floor, then headed off to the other side of town. Maybe he could catch Buffy on the tail end of her patrol?Author's Note: The incredible response to the first part of this convinced me to continue. You guys are awesome. Getting reviews is so cool!