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Xander And The Cougars

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Summary: Okay, so maybe a little bit of this is Buffy’s fault, but Dawn and Willow and Giles and even Faith are to blame, too! All they did was to urge Xander to see new people when he came back from Africa, but nobody anticipated this.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Xander-Centered > Ficlet Collections(Current Donor)ManchesterFR1895,94544639,12720 Apr 1221 Aug 14Yes

Is There A Problem?

“She’s so pale, she makes any vamp look tanned, right?” demanded Buffy to the top of Xander’s skull.

“Yeah, but--” grunted the New Council troubleshooter, just before his Slayer friend interrupted him in her interrogation.

“And that woman’s also got such an icy personality that being around her feels like paying a visit to the South Pole in your undies, or so I heard!”

Still held immobile in Buffy’s unyielding headlock, a bent-over Xander didn’t bother saying anything in direct response to this while staring down at the carpeted floor of his hotel room with a superstrong arm tightly gripped around his cranium. Though, his exasperated growl did indicate both annoyance over how Buffy was thoroughly insulting his latest relationship, plus there was the minor detail of right at this precise moment, he was dressed solely in his eyepatch and a set of Scooby-Doo boxers.

Ignoring everything else as she continued her rant in the living room of Xander’s hotel suite in Boston, Buffy triumphantly delivered the conclusive argument for proving her nearly-nude Sunnydale High pal had finally crossed the line, just like she knew he would at some point in his squicky dates with older women:

“Worse of all, her name means ‘of the night’ and that made me come straight here from Cleveland, when I found out from the others there exactly who you were shacking up with!”

What?!” yelped Xander in shocked astonishment, abruptly trying to break free out of Buffy’s clutches. He succeeded, but only because the Slayer had already let go, with Buffy taking a step back and jauntily resting the haft of the Scythe upon her right shoulder. Smirking with pride, this young woman now observed a gaping male straighten up and stare back at herself in an incredulous daze.

After a few more seconds of this, Xander managed to splutter out, “Why-- Who-- How the hell did you know that?

Bestowing upon her friend her dirtiest look for his supremely disbelieving tone, Buffy snootily replied, “Hey, I was actually paying attention during all our research parties back at the school library when we went through Giles’ dusty books trying to find some info on our latest Big Bad!” A somewhat sheepish expression momentarily flickered over this Los Angeles native’s face, before she amended, “Well, okay, most of them…some…a couple…one or two, maybe…look, it doesn’t matter! The important thing is, like back then, you’re now dating a demoness, who had the nerve to use her own, real name when seducing you! But, don’t worry, Xan, I’ll take care of it for you, just for old times’ sake!”

Brandishing in her right hand the mystical axe which had created a world with thousands of Slayers instead of a single one, Buffy then stalked through the open bedroom doorway, bearing a truly resolute air throughout it all. She disappeared out of sight into this room, to confront yet again another unholy creature out to menace humanity. Or, with perhaps a more worrisome potential threat, against what was making that…impressive…bulge in Xander’s underwear.

Gazing after his departing friend, Xander thoughtfully scratched his bare chest several times, before lifting his remaining eye upwards to the ceiling, in a clear appeal to whomever deity(s) had been watching of what he had to suffer from his bestest buds. Too, making things even more awkward was his absolute conviction that in the next few minutes, Buffy was gonna completely and lastingly lose in her clash with the Slayer’s latest opponent in the bedroom.

So, what exactly should he do about that?

Shrugging, Xander padded off to the suite’s kitchenette, and he made some fresh coffee. Eventually returning to the bedroom while carrying two cups of steaming liquid, Xander handed one of these to the mature, dark-haired woman wearing nothing but a hotel bathrobe while sitting in an armchair placed at the foot of the hotel bed. Absently taking her cup with slim fingers matching her slender figure, this engrossed female paid no attention to Xander placing the other cup of coffee on the nightstand by the bed’s headboard.

Buffy also showed no sign of noticing either action. This Slayer was laying on her back atop the mattress’ rumpled sheets, with the Scythe placed next to her body. Stretched out with her arms folded across her chest, Buffy continued to stare fixedly at the ceiling during her maniac venting, “…from what I remember, it started at my very first kindergarten dance recital! Afterwards, Daddy claimed he was kept late at work, but all I knew, I was the best ever dandelion in my flower costume, and he wasn’t even there to see it! I never got over it, even when he brought me a pony! My issues with Daddy didn’t stop there, either…”

Knowing this was going to take a while, Xander wandered back out into the living room, where he dropped onto the sofa there in front of the suite’s big-screen television. Grabbing the remote, the man turned the tv on, hit the ‘mute’ button, and he surfed the channels for a baseball game.

In the bedroom, Dr. Lilith Sternin, M.D., Ph.D., Ed.D., A.P.A., took a sip from her cup, to then return to intently listening to her newest patient. Apparently, Ms. Summers had transferred her paternal affection from this male relation to someone else during high school immediately after being abandoned by her father. It was highly suggestive that this new authority figure bore the cognomen of ‘Angel’, given this described a heavenly being, or some individual who served as a guardian and guide. Equally fascinating was how this young woman’s first adult lover had his own severe obsession about hair products and devotedly applied these to such a masculine symbol of virility as his coiffure. The connotations with a certain Biblical personage known as Samson were obvious, and in her bedroom chair, a pallid psychologist experienced a vast internal satisfaction over the unquestionably well-received scholarly paper she was going to write concerning this session.

It felt almost as good as the numerous orgasms that delightful lad in the other room had earlier given herself and surely would do so again later on. Taking another sip of her coffee, Lilith allowed a rare, thin smile to appear on her pale complexion, and then she went back to her normally somber expression. All while noting the new name of ‘Spike’ which had just been uttered by Ms. Summers. Really, even Frasier couldn’t have missed this representation of the male sexual nature, though there’d admittedly been a number of times when they’d been married…



Author’s Note: Well, that’s all for now! The previous chapters were those fine cougars I could think of to hilariously pair with Xander. I’ve come up with a few more ideas, but there isn’t at this time any likelihood of a sequel. Maybe much later, but I’m not promising anything. Thanks for all the reviews and hits! Keep sending in those suggestions, just for the heck of it. I might be inspired.

The following identifies the television series and people mentioned elsewhere in this story by the chapter titles:

Freud Was A Dick - The Big Bang Theory with Johnny Galecki as the long-suffering Leonard, who has to deal with an imperious Beverly Hofstadter, deliciously presented by Christine Baranski.

Take That, Bitches - Desperate Housewives with Teri Hatcher as Susan Mayer, a genuine hottie even compared to the other ladies at Wisteria Lane.

No Way, Not Ever - Dexter with Michael C. Hall as Dexter Morgan, the avenging serial killer of other and much more foul murderers, and Julie Benz as Rita Bennett (and yes, she also portrayed Darla the vampire on BtVS).

It’s Not Like He Inhaled - Weeds with Mary-Louise Parker as Nancy Botwin, the drug-dealing suburban mom, who makes crime sexy.

When In Doubt, Go To Oscar - Gilmore Girls with Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel as Lorelai and Rory Gilmore, respectively. A riff on those two female characters’ incessant dialogue.

Detailed Notes Will Be Necessary, Dear - Friends with the six people in the apartment played by you-know-who, but it was Morgan Fairchild amusingly acting as Chandler’s mother on several episodes, all while being an author of several erotic novels (probably the only books Joey ever read since high school).

Is There A Problem? - Both Cheers and Frasier were blessed with Bebe Neuwirth’s presence as Lilith Sternin, who married Frasier Crane and then divorced this good doctor. Indeed bearing a menacing first name variously attributed to Adam’s first wife (before Eve, as a matter of fact) and a Hebrew demoness, Lilith’s arrival anywhere is usually presaged by having the walls dripping blood, among other signs of the apocalypse. Which is just one of her minor foibles, in Xander’s opinion, who’s dealt with worse. Much worse.
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