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It Had To Happen

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Summary: Just before the start of term, Severus Snape had his fondest wish come true. No, not the one with boiling alive in an oil-filled cauldron that Potter brat, but the other one, him becoming at last the Defence Against the Dark Arts instructor.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy(Current Donor)ManchesterFR1554,5500104,1011 May 124 May 12Yes

Tuesday:

Mistrustfully edging down the Hogwarts corridor to his assigned DADA classroom, Snape held his wand ready for anything.

The tale of yesterday’s fiasco had been joyously recounted to everyone else in the castle by those students fortunate enough to have seen their Slytherin teacher affected by the mysterious magical curse laid upon his position. Dumbledore, rot him, had a few chuckles of his own over it all, and this other elderly wizard also benignly repeated his inability to do anything about the Defence Against the Dark Arts curse. Nor would he wipe away those little buggers’ memories, “…since that would rather defeat the purpose of being taught, don’t you agree, Severus?”

At least Snape managed afterwards to terrify his students back into their normal cowering anxiety in his potions class later that afternoon. Draco Malfoy had acted idiotically as usual by walking right up to the darkly brooding Head of Slytherin House seated at his desk in the classroom. Once more proving the pureblood of the British wizarding world were getting a little too inbred, that tow-haired teenager had completely overlooked Snape’s smoldering attitude, akin to a vulture suffering from severe hemorrhoids. Instead, Draco then arrogantly congratulated Snape for no longer looking like a detested mudblood--

A full hundred points confiscated from Slytherin and a month’s detention for Malfoy with Argus Filch, the castle caretaker, for insulting a professor right to his face ensured nobody else would ever openly mention this again. Unfortunately, there wasn’t anything he could do about the muffled giggles following in his wake as Snape irately stalked through Hogwarts throughout the rest of the day.

It was now the next morning, and once again time for his DADA class, just a few steps further on to where he’d been hit by the curse yesterday. Waving his wand to strengthen his personal shields, Snape cautiously approached this specific point, only to have nothing at all happen to him. His spirits actually lifting at this good news, Snape advanced a bit further, reaching out to touch the doorknob--

Inside the expectantly awaiting classroom, the entire student body suddenly flinched in shared shock when the room’s door burst into flame, before completely crumpling into ashes. These cinders were then trodded upon by an ablaze form grandly sweeping through the now-open doorway, with this creature composed of pure fire unfolding gloriously glowing white wings stretching across the entire room. In a voice of thunder which shook the very stones of the castle, Severus Snape now declared, “I AM THE METATRON!”



Folding away his napkin on the staff table after a most delicious lunch, Albus Dumbledore glanced up from this to meet the eager gazes on the young faces of the castle students seated at their own tables. This same expression was also shown by some of the school’s faculty, so without further ado…

Standing up from his chair, the Headmaster cleared his throat, and with a steady twinkle in his eyes, he announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, the DADA class detention for the full school year as punishment for attacking a professor is hereby revoked.”

Dumbledore patiently waited for the cheers from every House table (even the Slytherins) to die down, before continuing. “According to Miss Grangers’ very logical arguments, having a burning man unexpectedly walk into your classroom would naturally produce from anyone here, myself included, the aguamenti charm. After all, it would’ve made perfect sense to direct that strong stream of water from your wand right at this person in order to extinguish the flames covering them. In fact, I’m awarding ten points for all the students who were there as a reward for their class solidarity, given how all of those very…powerful jets of drenching liquid were done in perfect cooperation and with dead-on targeting.”

Again, the deadpan Headmaster waited for the laughter rocking the whole Great Hall to finish. Going on in his remarks, Dumbledore mentioned, “Oh, by the way, for the next few days, the potions classes from Professor Snape will be in abeyance. Assignments will be left on the room blackboard, and you’ll be expected to complete these on your own. Apparently, our fellow Hogwarts teacher will be spending all his time in the school library doing research on the DADA curse. I’m sure we wish him the best of luck in his scholarly endeavors, but it wouldn’t be at all advisable to disturb him in this. One last note: despite the numerous requests I’ve received lately for transfers into Professor Snape’s Defence Against the Dark Arts classes, that course is full for now, so we’ll have to see what happens in the future regarding this. Thank you, and carry on.”



Author’s Note: The Metatron, also known as the voice of God, is from the 1999 film comedy Dogma. For some reason, the curse managed to transfer onto Severus Snape both the appearance and unfortunate timing regarding fire extinguishers used against that angelic being (but not the actual powers, of course), as portrayed in the hilarious movie by nobody other than Alan Rickman.

Yes, I also know the aguamenti charm is taught to sixth-year students at Hogwarts in the books. In case you haven’t noticed, this is decidedly an AU story.
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