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It Had To Happen

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Summary: Just before the start of term, Severus Snape had his fondest wish come true. No, not the one with boiling alive in an oil-filled cauldron that Potter brat, but the other one, him becoming at last the Defence Against the Dark Arts instructor.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy(Current Donor)ManchesterFR1554,5500104,1511 May 124 May 12Yes


Severus Snape roared “I QUIT!” at the top of his lungs.

This deafening bellow was loud enough to cause items scattered throughout the Headmaster’s office to vibrate in place, with the mysterious metallic items arrayed along the shelves of the bookcase on the far left wall tinkling faintly in response. It also sent a startled Fawkes ducking his head under one wing as the phoenix perched on his stand in the room corner tried to protect his ears. A few seconds later, when nothing further injurious occurred to this bird’s hearing, Fawkes warily peeked out from under his feathers.

At the middle of the room inside the top of the magical castle’s highest tower, his master was thoughtfully regarding the other wizard standing in front of Dumbledore’s desk and at the moment bearing an irate face and fists clenched in absolute fury. In his typical grandfatherly tone, Albus then solemnly stated, “That isn’t a decision to be made lightly, Severus. Have you really thought it through, resigning from Hogwarts?”

What?!” yelped Snape, abruptly distracted from his towering rage. He gaped with disbelief at where the Headmaster was placidly gazing back, until Snape suddenly realized he was being teased simply for the other’s amusement.

Sending towards the elderly wizard a supremely poisonous glare which should’ve slaughtered the impish school administrator on the spot, Snape then snarled, “I mean, as you quite well know, that I’m here to give my notice about the Defence Against the Dark Arts position! Enough’s enough! I won’t do it any more! Give the bloody job to someone else, and I’ll gladly go back to teaching potions, even with the newest crop of dunderheads there! Anything to get away from that damned curse!”

Quizzically lifting a bushy eyebrow at the younger man’s vehemence, Dumbledore reasonably pointed out, “I do believe I mentioned that detrimental consequence laid upon the DADA position whenever you previously petitioned for it, Severus. Furthermore, the topic was also raised at our last meeting concerning this, and you were most dismissive--”

“Fine, I was wrong!” gritted Snape, looking as if he’d swallowed something even more foul than usual. This wizard then forced out through reluctant lips, “Headmaster, I’m unable to effectively complete my teaching duties as the Defence Against the Dark Arts instructor due to the nature of the numerous unwanted magical transformations during this -- all through no fault of my own! -- and I’m here to formally request your permission to vacate my post…please!

Well, now. The original magic word had at last been invoked from Professor Severus Snape, for the very first time in that difficult man’s entire career at Hogwarts. Beaming at the glowering younger wizard, Dumbledore mentally marked this date as a day to indeed happily recollect in the future. Besides, of course, the other, equally treasured spectacle of exactly what’d happened today after the skilled potions master had ventured once more through the door to the DADA classroom--

Hmmm, Severus definitely did appear as if he’d either explode or start hexing everybody within range in the next two seconds, so it’d best be done quickly. Maintaining an utterly straight face yet with his eyes twinkling more brightly than before, the wizard well past his first century sat up in his desk chair, and he sonorously recited, “By the powers vested in me as the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, do hereby terminate the employment of Severus Tobias Snape as the Defence Against the Dark Arts educator. So mote it be!”

At once, a flash of enchanted illumination burst in the office, a white light momentarily brighter than the sun, leaving two wizards blinking away their dazzlement at this sign the magic of Hogwarts had surely done something. Eagerly looking down at his transformed self, Snape’s impatient expression soon changed into growing anxiety at witnessing no change at all to either his body or his clothing.

Glancing back up with an actual pathetic stare sent appealingly at the other man behind his office desk, Snape then heard from a musing Dumbledore, “I must admit, Severus, given how the curse was beginning to noticeably expand in its effects on both you and elsewhere, it was rather prudent to end it today. Oh, don’t worry. I think the last of it will wear off in no more than a few minutes, at the most.”

A rare expression of genuine thankfulness blossomed upon Snape’s normally sour countenance, only to alter into just as honest puzzlement. This same confusion was apparent in the professor’s voice when he asked, “Wait, what’d you mean, about the curse--?”

It wasn’t solely the twirled forefinger in which Dumbledore had now used to urge him to turn around which stopped Snape halfway through his question. There’d also been the disquieting suppressed snickers coming from the open room door behind the younger wizard, left ajar when Snape had barged into the office after his frantic sprint all the way up here from the DADA classroom.

Slowly glancing over his shoulder in sudden dread, Severus Snape gazed straight into the joyous face of Harry James Potter standing in the doorway. Behind this teenage boy, in a single line reaching down the office stairs as far as Snape could see, were the rest of today’s DADA class, who were all sustaining their own looks of utter glee. Even Malfoy and the other Slytherins there presented identical malicious smirks to their Head of House. Seeing the latter, Snape felt rising in his mind a sense of righteous outrage over such insubordination coming from his own snakes.


Professor Snape was unfortunately beginning to remember what else had also happened during his mad dash to the Headmaster’s office. For some odd reason, instead of heading directly there, he’d run rampant throughout the entire castle, and during this, the potions master had gathered up along with him virtually everyone there in the whole building. No matter who they were, what they’d previously been doing, or their personal feelings about being swept up in today’s chaos, all of the teachers and students at Hogwarts had chased after Severus Snape racing to Dumbledore’s office. Even now after coming to a halt, they were still standing there in their single long line, reaching from that Potter brat to probably the youngest first-year wizard or witch somewhere back at the Great Hall.

It had to be the curse! But why would--?

Still frozen in looking over his shoulder, Snape now watched that bastard James’ son smile wickedly, and Harry Potter now started loudly humming a jaunty tune. This jingle was picked up immediately by Hermione Granger close behind, who shook with silent laughter while still joining in perfect harmony with her green-eyed friend. A pureblood Ron Weasley just stared in bafflement at his muggleborn pals, until with an accepting shrug, the redhead boy quickly picked up the simple melody, and he too started humming. The same thing passed down the line of people, whether from the wizarding world or the mundane one, until the entire castle resounded with a musical din.

Whipping his head back around to start demanding the Headmaster do something about this sheer defiance against a staff teacher, Snape then gawked in pure betrayal at Albus Dumbledore using his wand as a baton to extravagantly conduct his own cheerful humming. The really absurd culmination of this was when even Fawkes became involved, with the phoenix still seated on his perch enthusiastically bobbing his head in time with “Yakety Sax.”

The dissipating curse took this opportunity to get in one last lick against its latest victim, whether he liked it or most decidedly didn’t. A bespectacled Fred Scuttle snapped his pudgy body overflowing out of a hotel doorman’s scarlet/black/gold uniform into a preposterous semblance of attention, to then bring up his right arm at just below the brim of his cap worn to the side. This ended with a delighted Dumbledore being delivered a flawless, open-palm Benny Hill salute.

Author’s Note: Well, how could it have ended in any other way, but by an appearance of Alfred Hawthorne Hill’s most famous character? Hope you liked this story! Here’s a link to explain why Snape was never again feared by anyone at Hogwarts, no matter how impressively his robes billowed…

The End

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