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The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates

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Summary: Mag 7 drabbles based on some of the Schlock Mercenary rules.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Magnificent Seven, The
Comics > Schlock Mercenary
(Past Donor)HiltonKFR151864382,44111 May 1211 May 12Yes
Disclaimer: The rules come from Schlock mercenary and I don’t own that or the Magnificent Seven.

For Duchess, who needed a little cheering up. :)


Rule 14 – ‘Mad Science’ means never stopping to ask "What’s the worst that could happen?"


“What does it do?” JD asked the grinning pair.

“No idea.” Ezra answered distractedly. “Careful, Mr. Tanner, I believe it will be advisable for us to withdraw somewhat before our little diversion initiates.”

“Er, guys, I’m not sure this is a good idea.” JD knew time was of the essence if they were going to get Buck & Chris out alive but this looked… dangerous.

“I saw something like this on YouTube, JD. It’ll be fine.” Vin rubbed his damp palms on his jeans before making the final adjustment.

“Coming from you two those are not comforting words. Is it supposed to be doing that?” JD was alarmed at the sudden hissing coming from the drum that had been set against the wall.

“Of course,” Ezra began before hesitating. “Perhaps we should…”


‘The April Estate was rocked by a mystery explosion last night. Fortunately, no one was injured. However the subsequent fire, started by the initial event, led to the discovery of what has been described as one of the larges caches of illegal arms that Denver has seen in recent years…'


Rule 4 – Close air support covers a multitude of sins
Rule 5 – Close air support and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart.


“Standish!” The black clad team leader stormed across the warehouse floor causing the milling agents assisting in the clear-up to part like the Red Sea.

“You called, Mr. Larabee.” The green-eyed man subtly braced himself for the oncoming storm.

“You nearly killed us, goddamnit.” Chris slammed his undercover agent up against a pillar.

“I was left with little choice; we were out-gunned and out of time.” Ezra met the fierce glare with a studied calm. His voice dropped. “As an unintentional bonus it will also save Mr. Wilmington from a lot of awkward questions.”

Buck had reacted badly to the way one of the gunrunner's treated JD. In the current climate of political correctness, beating a suspect to pulp was an invitation for trouble. The man was a pervert and the world was better off without him - all of team 7 knew that -- but it wasn’t the kind of thing you could easily justify to the chain of command.

Chris sighed and let the other man drop.

“Where the hell did you find a bazooka?”


Rule 1 – Pillage then burn.


Chris clenched his fists as he took in his soot covered undercover agent.

“Goddamnit, Ezra! Tell me you at least got Bateman’s files before you razed his office to the ground.”


Rule 35 – That which does not kill you has made a tactical error.


Chris tried to clear his eyes of the blood. He knew he wasn’t hurt badly, head wounds just bled like a bitch. He felt Vin shift beside him. Moving was good, moving was alive. In the aftermath of this little clusterfuck, heads were going to roll. He’d seen Buck drag JD to safety and Nathan was outside still tending Josiah. Chris’s thoughts shied away from the big man; he’d seen the pain and fury in his eyes as Ezra had…

“…you’ll not be the last that comes for me, Larabee.” Chris rolled his eyes, why do these bastards always have to monologue? Well, he’d shut him up soon enough. No one k… hurt one of his men and went unpunished.

“Are you listening to me *Agent* Larabee.” The mark was starting to get irritated at his lack of audience.

“Quit the grandstanding. You haven’t won yet, asshole.” Chris heard Vin mutter from beside him. He felt his lips quirk into a grim smile.

“I don’t think you have anything to smile about.” Chris looked up to pin a glare on the man when he caught an unexpected movement behind him. Chris’s smile got wider.

“I’ll send your miserable souls to hell, just like that duplicitous…” Chris began to laugh. “Shut up, damn you! You’re going to die badly.”

“You first.” The man spun at the sound of the croaking voice. Even as his weapon came up the sound of a gunshot rang out striking him between the eyes.

“Jesus, Ez, I thought you were a goner for sure that time.” Vin smiled at his friend.

“His attempt was slipshod and amateur.” Ezra summoned a pained smile.

“Sit down before you fall down, Ezra, I can see you’re still bleeding from here.” Chris growled out. He was surrounded by children; lucky, lucky children.


Rule 2 – A Sergeant in motion outranks a Lieutenant who doesn’t know what’s going on.
Rule 3 – An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody.


“Chris,” JD called out. “We got one, running straight for you.”

Vin took a quick look before turning to their leader crouched beside him. “It’s Ezra.”

Ezra rapidly approached their position before running straight past.

“Gentlemen, may I suggest a retreat?” He called out barely slowing.

“Hold your positions! Damn it, Standish, get your ass back here…”

Buck interrupted Chris’s angry cry. “Er, has anyone seen the dynamite?”

“Oh shit!”


A/N If anyone else wants to add anything for these or any of the other rules, please do!

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