Xander and the Evil Colonel
A/N: See chapter 1 for disclaimer, spoilers, notes on AU, and why Xander has his eye back.
Xander looked around. How did he get himself into these things? It was bad enough he got so drunk he let a demon talk him into a quickie against a wall, and more drinking in another bar, and then another
bar, and then ice cream somewhere, and then a marathon sex session that even Anya wouldn’t have lasted through. This demon had inhuman stamina, and a body that just wouldn’t quit. If she ever decided to give up the demon-y stuff and live on Earth, Xander was pretty sure Lorne knew some high-end soft porn producers who would kill for a hottie like her. But now it was dawn of the next morning, and he was sober. Painfully sober.
Emphasis on the ‘painful’ part.
And he was looking down the barrels of two very big guns. He had expected the Evil Colonel Carter to be in her fifties or sixties, and looking like Rosa Klebb. If anything, the Colonel looked hotter than Anise. And it was obvious she was going out of her way not to look hot. Short hair, un-stylish cut, no makeup, man-tailored pants, combat boots. Xander had seen butch dykes who didn’t try this hard to look unfeminine. Well, he could see why. If the Evil Colonel ever went for the ultra-feminine look, with a professional makeover she’d give Buffy a run for her money.
And how the heck did a woman work her way up to full colonel when she couldn’t be more than forty? Maybe thirty-five? Xander was worried that she was a lot older, but the demon side of her was keeping her looking unusually young. Or maybe it was black magic, like The Mayor had gone in for. That was all he needed: a high-ranking member of the U.S. Armed Forces using national defense assets while she Ascended into a giant snake demon.
And she still had the automatic aimed at him and Anise, in a ferocious two-handed grip. Her arms weren’t shaking even a tiny bit. He had a really bad feeling she’d shot people before. There was a good chance he wasn’t going to leave this hotel room, except in a body bag, despite what Anise had just said.
Anise started to climb off him and go for her clothes, which were strewn all over the room. He didn’t remember throwing them all over like that. Mainly he just remembered… umm… okay, he didn’t really remember all that much of the undressing details, except her undressing him with her teeth, and her showing him how to unzip her top, and…
“Anise! Freeze!” the evil colonel barked.
“Is there a problem, Samantha Carter?” Anise asked, in that ‘look, I’m obviously not human’ way she had.
The evil colonel barked, “Teal’c!” The big black guy slid to the side, so he could maintain a pretty nasty crossfire as the evil colonel moved to check through Anise’s stuff. Damn, they were good. Xander wondered how long they’d practiced this stuff. And what they used all that practice for. Because there was no way Deep Space Radar Telemetry needed this kind of skillset. No, this was more like SWAT teams or Special Forces. Or maybe Black Ops. Was Deep Space Radar Telemetry a cover for some kind of ‘black helicopters’ deal? And if so, why would they have an astrophysicist running things? Xander was pretty up with the whole ‘girl power’ thing, but even he didn’t think the old men running the U.S. military would put a pretty blonde in charge of a major black ops set-up. Not even if the pretty blonde was named Buffy Summers and she could bench-press a Humvee.
It took the colonel about ten seconds to come up with Anise’s big wrist bracelet. “Aha!”
Anise calmly said, “Samantha Carter, you will not be able to operate the…”
And that was when the colonel turned invisible. Xander groaned, “Not another freaking invisibility ray!”
The big guy asked, “XanderHarris, you have seen an invisibility device before?”
Xander decided to play it straight, at least on this. “Yeah. Some bad guys used an invisibility ray on one of my best friends. It took us a couple days to get her visible again.”
The evil colonel suddenly turned visible again, and there was no mistaking the shock on her face. She squawked, “An invisibility ray
Anise insisted, “That is not technically feasible. You would have to change the molecular structure of the target and put it out of phase with your dimension in such a way that only the visible spectra of light were perturbed, and everything else would be left unchanged.”
The colonel said, “A quasi-dimensional shift like that wouldn’t work. You’d kill anyone you used it on. Entropic cascade failure would rip him apart in days.”
Anise argued, “But only if you truly shifted the target so far out of your original dimension that you reached intersection with an alternate reality with matching target characteristics.”
Xander stared uncomfortably. These maniacs were messing with alternate realities too? He was so going to enjoy watching a horde of Slayers and witches take them down. Hard. Assuming he was still alive enough to watch.
The colonel looked ready to argue her point some more, but a third guy stepped into the room. He said, “Sam, I think we need to postpone the technical details until we’re in a less… exposed situation.”
The evil colonel actually blushed. She cleared her throat and said, “Right, Daniel. Sorry.”
Xander tried to think things through. What kind of evil colonel lets her minions call her by her first name? What kind of evil colonel lets her minions correct her in public, and just blushes, instead of giving them the ‘you have displeased me’ routine and shooting them? And maybe this guy knew how to point a gun, but he didn’t look all that military. Frankly, he had more of a ‘Giles’ vibe than a ‘Riley’ vibe.
She said, “While we watch them, go through their stuff. Carefully.”
Xander watched as ‘Daniel’ slid behind her, not getting in her line of fire, with his gun pointed at the floor while he moved past her. And he kept an eye on them while he went through their stuff, too. Okay, so Daniel had training in this kind of operation too. Anise had a couple odd-looking demonic things in her clothes. Daniel looked them over, appeared to recognize half of them, and shoved them all into his coat pocket. Then Daniel moved over to Xander’s things…
Oh crap. That was when Xander remembered the phone. The phone was undoubtedly still live, and with Willow’s magic it wouldn’t have run out of power. So the whole call center had to have gotten to hear Porn Star Xander showing Anise the highlights of the Kama Sutra for most of a night. He was never, ever, ever
going to live this down. This was going to be worse than all those ‘Xander is a sex machine’ jokes from back when he was dating Anya, and Buffy and Willow were starting out at UC Sunnydale. Or those ‘Xander is a Viking in the sack’ jokes from when he was living with Anya.
Oh wait! The phone! Yes! “Colonel Carter, before you decide to shoot me and make the killing look like ‘gangs on PCP’…” He couldn’t resist fingerquoting that bit, despite the pain in his head when he moved. “… you ought to know that my phone is live, and someone on the other end now knows who you are, and who your friends are.”
The evil colonel rolled her eyes like he’d said something stupid. She sighed, “Mister Harris…”
“Xander. Mister Harris is my father. I prefer ‘Xander.’” He caught her eyes flickering over to Anise, and he knew instantly what she was thinking. He was absolutely not hitting on a thirty-five year old evil colonel, no matter how hot she was. “No, everybody calls me Xander. Since I was in kindergarten.”
Colonel Carter tried again. “Xander, we don’t shoot people for picking up… foreign nationals and taking them to a motel room for a night. We just need to take you back to base, find out what Anise told you, give you a check-up to make sure you haven’t been exposed to anything that might affect you later, get you to sign some non-disclosure forms so you won’t tell anyone about what you heard tonight, and then you can go…”
She suddenly stopped and stared at the phone. “Live? For how long?”
Daniel just said, “Uh-oh.”