Sam and the Spy
A/N: See chapter 1 for disclaimer, spoilers, notes on AU, and why Xander has his eye back.“I believe this man is James Bond.”
Xander suddenly burst into laughter. And Sam could make out a lot of giggling going on over the phone. Someone who sounded like Rona called out ‘Harris, Xander Harris!’ to even more hilarity. Sam was pretty sure it was Andrew who insisted, “He could
be James Bond! Can I be Q?” Someone whose voice she didn’t recognize called him ‘Miss Moneypenny’, and it sounded like Andrew took offense at that. But none of them seemed overly concerned with Xander’s health or with Teal’c inductive prowess. Sam figured that meant Teal’c still hadn’t pegged the mysterious Mister Harris.
Sam figured Xander had a hell of a hangover, based on his expression once he stopped guffawing. He still grinned as he said, “You do know James Bond is fictional, big guy?”
“Indeed, XanderHarris. But you are clearly an agent of some repute, working for a clandestine international organization and putting yourself in harm’s way in order to protect others. Therefore, you are much like the fictional James Bond of the exciting movies.”
Xander grinned, “As long as I get to be Sean Connery or Daniel Craig, and not that really lame guy.”
“Which ‘really lame’ guy?” Teal’c asked. “The ‘Roger Moore’ James Bond, or the ‘George Lazenby’ James Bond? Neither is a warrior that lives up to the name Bond.”
“Both. I take it you’ve been on Earth long enough to see a lot of the James Bond movies?” Xander casually asked.
“Indeed, XanderHarris. I have seen all of the James Bond movies, including the original Casino Royale
with Peter Sellers. Some of them I have seen on DVD, thanks to J- Thanks to a friend.”
Sam didn’t say anything about the fact that Xander had more or less tricked Teal’c into agreeing that he was not from Earth. Maybe Xander really was some kind of agent. If only Xander didn’t have this weird thing about demons. Demons, for God’s sake!
Then it hit her. What if it was a codeword
? A codeword for something that couldn’t be discussed in public? Like, say, alien incursions? Or threats running around with hideous snake-like things inside them? If he called them ‘demon attacks’, he could pretend he was crazy, or even that he was involved in some sort of Dungeons & Dragons game, or perhaps LARPing. He was young enough to pull that off, too. He could easily pass for a college student. Did that explain the gear in his gymbag? She thought for a second and decided it could explain some of the bulkier items, but definitely not everything in there.
Maybe the SGC could take a few lessons on cover stories from Xander Harris and his organization. Deep Space Radar Telemetry made sense as a cover for her and Hailey, but not for Daniel or Teal’c, or most of the members of the SGC. And it had been a remarkably lame cover for Jack.
It was becoming clearer and clearer to her that they needed to get Harris into the SGC, debrief him, and find some way to get him enough clearance to explain to him just what he was really fighting out there. After all, this was what the SGC was tasked with.
It was also clear to her that he was not going to go willingly, unless she came up with some adequate compensation. Maybe compensation wasn’t the right way to go with someone like him. Perhaps lures. Things that would interest him enough that he would willingly come with them. Plus, she needed to get NDAs on everyone at the call center who had heard all of this mess. Hmm… Maybe she could make that look like an olive branch, if she played it right…
She holstered her automatic, and nodded at Teal’c to do the same. She picked out one of the chairs over by the window and sat down. Then she tried her sales pitch. She wasn’t the salesman of the team, but she needed to give it a try before Daniel had to step in.
She said, “Okay Xander, we really need you to come back to our base. All we’re going to do is give you a complete check-up to make sure Anise’s invisibility device didn’t do anything to you, and you haven’t picked anything up from this contact. And we need you to sign some NDAs – non-disclosure agreements – so we can rely on you not to discuss this with anyone.”
He rolled his eyes like she had to think he was stupid. “You mean like sign it in blood? No thanks.”
She glanced over at Daniel and mouthed, ‘sign it in blood?’ “Surely you don’t mean that literally, because-”
“Yeah, I mean it literally.”
She stared at him. Harris was one weird guy.
Daniel said, “According to classical myth and folklore, signing a contract in one’s own blood bestowed mystical connections to the contract, and often the signer might later realize those connections were impossible to sever.”
Xander gave her a goofy grin and said, “Yeah. That stuff. I’m really superstitious. I don’t walk under ladders, either.”
Sam gave him a returning smile. Did he really think she would fall for a dopey smile and a lame story like that? No, he had some other reason, but he wasn’t going to tell her. She just said, “We don’t do stuff like that. We’re the United States Air Force, not some Anne Rice story.”
Harris groaned, “Ugh. Don’t mention Anne Rice. Not nearly as bad as Stephenie Meyer, but still…”
Daniel jumped right in. “Yes, as I’ve pointed out before, they’re complete corruptions of the original mythos, even the distorted version written down by Bram Stoker has-”
Before Daniel could pull the entire discussion off into an utterly irrelevant tangent, Sam insisted, “Xander, look we just want you to use an ordinary ink pen, on ordinary paper. It’s a simple non-disclosure agreement that says you won’t tell people about the stuff you’ve heard in the last ten or twelve hours since you met Anise. That’s all. Now I know you don’t trust us. So I’m going to make two suggestions. First, I’ll send one of our people to your call center in Cleveland to get more NDAs signed by all your call center people who have heard you and Anise. Your people will have him there more or less as a hostage until we let you go. And second, Daniel and Teal’c and I will help you get your friend Vi moved before you go to the base.”
Xander turned his head and listened to the sounds of Anise showering. “Can I take a shower and change clothes first? Maybe some breakfast?”
She smiled, “Sure.”
Teal’c said, “As long as you do not intend to shower while Anise is still in the shower with you, because given the length of recorded intercourse on that video camera I fear that you might miss any appointment you would have arranged with your associate Vi.”
Xander gave Teal’c a studied look, and then once against became a relaxed goofball. Sam had seen Jack pull this off often enough times to recognize the warrior underneath the pretense. Xander casually asked, “Assuming I go for these wacky hijinx of yours, who are you going to send over to my call center?”
She said, “Lieutenant Colonel Paul Davis, who’s currently working out of the Pentagon with General Jack O’Neill in DHS. Colonel Davis has served in this capacity enough times that he knows how it works. And he can get an Air Force jet into Cleveland and be there before we’re done unloading Vi’s truck.” She turned her head to face Harris’ phone and said, “So, Rona, how does that sound?”
Rona asked, “Is he hot?”
Sam wondered if her leg was being pulled. “He’s married, with three daughters. I think he’s a little off-limits.”
Rona said, “Just wondering if he’s old or ugly or fat or something. If I gotta show him around and keep him around here for a day or two, I wanna know if I should be looking to dump him off on Emily.”
“Hey!” another girl squeaked from the phone.
“Yeah! Hey!” complained the young man – Andrew – that Sam had guessed might be gay. Apparently, he wasn’t. Sam glanced over at Harris, who had a ‘some people are just too easy to tease’ smirk on his face.
Sam said, “Yes, he’s hot, for someone around forty.”
There were several giggles on the other end of the line, including someone who quite clearly said, “Then he’s too young for Buffy,” which cracked up the whole call center.
Sam had to wonder about that, but she filed it away for future reference. She looked over at Harris and asked, “Do we have a deal?”
Xander nodded. “Yeah, I think so. Hey Rona, you know where I’ll be. Just in case, go ahead and set up Plan C. And, you never know, let’s get permission and arrange for Plan H also.”
Sam wondered what that meant, given that Andrew and Rona both laughed out loud.
Andrew checked, “Plan H1, H2, or H3?”
Harris grinned, “I’d like to be ready for all of them, just in case, but I’m figuring on Plan H2 right now.”
Rona and another girl chorused, “Eww.”
Sam really wondered what the hell Plan H was, and how she was going to prepare for it when all she knew about it was a single-letter designation.