Xander and the Medical Exam
A/N: See chapter 1 for disclaimer, spoilers, notes on AU, and why Xander has his eye back.
A/N2: The previous chapter has been corrected, thanks to the sage observations of khagler, Speakertocustomers, CattyNebulart, clei, Kremer, and Bill.
Xander walked into the infirmary and met the smiling doctor. She put out her hand and said, “Hi. I’m Doctor Lam. You can call me Carolyn, if you’d rather, since you’re not military. We’re just going to run a few quick tests on you, so you can get out of here. Okay?”
Xander grinned, “Umm, you’re not going to say ‘I’ll be your server today’?” The cute blond nurse snickered into her hand, and the black orderly looked like he was biting the inside of his cheek. Xander decided he was going to pretend to overlook the two MPs stationed outside the infirmary, even though they had walked with him and Daniel Jackson down to the place.
He really wanted to know what the hell was going on around here, but he wasn’t going to let his anxiety or his curiosity show. This place was so highly classified it was under NORAD. He was over twenty stories below the entrance level, and he knew from glancing at the elevator buttons that there were more stories below this one. If he knew his evil lairs – and no one knew evil lairs better than the Scoobies did – then the really good stuff would be on the bottom level.
And he figured that the longer he spent down here, the more intel he’d pick up for when Willow and company had to mojo his butt out of here. Because he really didn’t believe the ‘oh so nice and friendly’ colonel. Full bird colonels were not nice, friendly ‘let’s feed you breakfast and help you move your friend’s folks in’ people. So he wasn’t buying Carter’s act for a second. No, he had come along so that he didn’t have to worry about Colonel Carter sending an assault team after Vi, which he was worried about ever since the colonel spotted that Vi was way too fast and too strong for a human. So he was here to play along and keep an eye on Carter and her pet demon Teal’c. Sooner or later, the mask would slip, and then he’d know the truth. He might not survive it for long, but if necessary that would be enough for Willow to do a little ‘ghost whisperer’ bit and avenge his gruesome death by crushing this mountain like a stack of Denny’s pancakes under a troll hammer. But whether he survived it or not, Vi would be safe, and she could identify all of Colonel Carter’s buddies when Buffy and Willow or whoever showed up at her parents’ house. And he knew the really important part was making sure the Scoobies would finally find out just what Colonel Carter’s wacky pals were really up to, not keeping some beat-up carpenter in one piece.
Oh, sure, he wanted to buy into the whole ‘Anise isn’t a demon from another dimension’ fantasy, but it was obvious she wasn’t human. She didn’t even dress like a human! How could they think he wouldn’t notice things like that? And that ‘lightshow behind the eyeballs’ bit she did sometimes when she was switching back and forth from Anise to Freya. What sort of human did that? Okay, that was something Will could probably fake with no trouble at all, but Will was Willow the Red Witch. There wasn’t much she couldn’t do if she tried.
At least Doctor Lam was about a jillion times more pleasant than Maggie Walsh. Not that that was a shock. Fyarl demons were more pleasant than Maggie Walsh. Fyarl demons that had been set on fire were more pleasant than Maggie Walsh.
Doc Lam said, “Okay, now for your exam.”
Xander grinned, “Is there a written portion?”
The nurse turned away and clapped a hand over her mouth. The orderly covered up his laugh with a fake cough. The doc just smiled and said, “Have you by any chance been taking lessons from General O’Neill?”
He hadn’t ever met General O’Neill – who he was pretty sure had to be the Jack O’Neill he’d heard about at Vi’s folks’ house – but by the reactions of the nurse and orderly, they sure had. And he was guessing this O’Neill was as big a smartass as the Xan-man, which was weird, because he didn’t think of generals as being all that big on the funny. The people heading up The Initiative had been about as funny as a rectal exam done with a Roto-Rooter.
Doctor Lam gave him another smile. “First, we need you to put on the embarrassing hospital gown, so you won’t run away while I’m taking a blood sample. Then we’ll give you a little privacy so you can give us a urine sample. Then we’re going to do an MRI with you lying in a big tube; it’s pretty loud but perfectly safe. After that, if nothing’s wrong, we have two more quick checks, and then you can get dressed again. Okay?”
“Sounds like more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Not that I ever figured out why a barrel full of monkeys would be that much fun. You’d think the monkeys down at the bottom of the barrel would definitely be not of the fun sort, what with monkeys standing on their heads and getting monkey poo dumped on them and all that.”
She grinned at his rambling and gave him the skimpy hospital gown to change into. Then the orderly showed him to a little privacy: a curtained-off area with a hospital bed in the center. He figured he might as well get it over with, so he started changing.
Once he was in the skimpy hospital gown – which was in hospital green instead of a more embarrassing color – Doctor Lam had her nurse take some blood and a quick scraping from inside his cheek. He had been in hospitals and ERs enough to realize that they weren’t even taking as much blood as a normal hospital might do if the doctors wanted to run a full spectrum of blood tests. That was of the good. He didn’t want to be passing out from low blood pressure right when he might need to be fighting his way out of an underground military base full of interdimensional demons and who knew what else.
Then Doctor Lam gave him a quick physical before the MRI. He knew his reflexes were extremely good. About a decade of fighting supernaturally fast foes helped on that. Andrew liked to claim that video games helped too, but Andrew routinely got his ass handed to him by even the newest Slayers. However, the doc wasn’t happy about his scars.
Okay, so he wasn’t a Slayer, and he didn’t have Slayer healing. He had some scars. And some of them were clearly not normal.
Doctor Lam sounded concerned as she asked, “These are bites marks on your neck and shoulder. What are they from?”
“Angry puppy.” There was no way he was telling her they were from vampires.
“Hmm.” So she didn’t believe him. No one except a Sunnydale doctor would. “What about these clawmarks on your side… and your leg… and your arm?”
“Oh them?” he said airily. “Those are from breaking up a fight between Wolverine and Sabertooth. Y’know, those cosplay guys at the comics conventions really get carried away with the whole authenticity deal.”
She didn’t say anything, but she made some more notes on her clipboard. He could tell she was freaked, even if she wasn’t acting like it. Good bedside manner.
“And what about these burns on your chest? The edges are oddly jagged, and the pattern is… strange.”
He said, “Oh those old things? Accident with a barbecue grill… and some bad hotdogs.”
No one bought his story. He didn’t expect them to. But there was no way in any kind of hell that he was admitting the jagged-edged burnmarks on his chest were from when his bestest friend in the world tried to wipe out the human race and destroy the planet.
Then the nurse helped him onto the padded tray that slid into the MRI machine. He knew from uncomfortable experience that the better a job you did holding still inside the thing, the sooner they would let you back out of it.
As he lay there trying to ignore the noise, he wondered what Carter and her team were up to while he was in here. Probably debriefing the head honcho about him and Anise. He really hoped no one was showing that video footage around. No, he REALLY hoped no one was going to let the Scoobies and the Scrappies get hold of that thing. He’d never hear the end of it. It was going to be bad enough that everyone in the call center got to hear the entire Porn Star Xander Sex-a-thon while his phone was live.
Man, oh man. Rona and Faith were never going to let him hear the end of that one.