I don't own Todd and the book of pure evil or BtVS.
I wrote this short fic because I've really wanted to see a Todd and the book of pure evil fic. wont matter if you don't know the show, but if you don't you should really check it out, it's a truly awesome show.
unending thanks to my beta Johnny Napalm
Xander and the Book of Pure Evil.
"Xander, we've all brought you here because we’re your friends and we love you," says Buffy. Xander, who had just been dragged bodily into the library, sits slumped in the chair before her.
He knows this isn’t going to go well… Nothing ever goes well when people start with the Intervention script.
"Xander, we've been friends since always," says Willow pulling a piece of paper out from behind her back.
"Dude, this isn't an intervention is it? Because I am so not stoned enough for that right now," interrupts Xander.
"See that's exactly what I'm talking about, ever since Halloween you haven't been yourself" says Willow, her voice edging on hysterical "You’re ALWAYS stoned, and you always take that sword wherever you go," she says motioning to the massive broadsword strapped awkwardly to Xanders back.
"But Sand Dragon doesn't like to be left alone,” says Xander defensively.
"You're also dressing weirder than usual," adds Cordelia, her expression bored.
Xander looks down to his ‘Within the ruins’ shirt and skinny jeans and biker boots, not grasping what she's trying to say.
"I believe that your friends are trying to say that they don't understand what's come over you, and while I can sympathize with not being nearly stoned enough for this, I have to side with them," says Giles.
"Dude, you're not carrying are you? ’Cause I'm completely dry," says Xander.
Giles sighs in exasperation.
"Fine, it was Halloween, as you all know we were turned into our costumes by the heinous sorcery of Giles man friend. I had planned to go as a super cool solder, but the shop had already sold it's last toy gun." Starts Xander, by now he is really getting into telling his story.
"In despair, I wandered the aisles for a good ten second before finding my destiny sandwiched between a ninja and Wonder Woman. It was sand dragon, I didn't really know the story behind it but I figured a massive sword couldn't be a wrong choice so I went with it, the evil dude totally gave it to me for a song too."
"Xander, could you hurry to the point soon?" asks Buffy.
"Fast-forward to that night, I found myself possessed by Todd Smith, awesome monster hunter. I battled my way through the deadly streets of Sunnydale, rescued the helpless Bufferella, and saved the day."
"Hold the phone, I was there," says Cordelia, "you asked if I was carrying and then tried to hide behind me while screaming like a little girl.
"Also" says Buffy "you didn't really answer the question."
"Well when I woke up from the spell I remembered Todd’s whole life, and it's sort of stuck with me. No big, he was a pretty laid back dude," says Xander.
"So you're saying you dressed up as a stoner so now you are?" asks Buffy in an exasperated voice.
"Yeah," says Xander pulling a joint from behind his ear.
"Don't do that," says Buffy slapping the unlit joint from his hand.
"Dude, not cool!" replies Xander.
Jonathan Levinson is depressed. He had always been sensitive about his height, but today had been an all-time low. Being called a garden gnome and shoved into a locker had a tendency to do that to a person. He is currently hiding in the bathroom. He hears an odd almost electrical crackling, and a massive book drops into his lap. It is ancient and leather-bound, with a hand flashing him the rocker horns. Jonathan hears a whispering in his ears, telling him to read from the book, that it will grant his deepest desires.
Jonathan opens the ancient book to a page, the illustration seems to move as he reads the Latin inscription.
"From shrimp to giant. " then a massive roar echoes from the boys room
Principal Snyder stops outside the door hearing the sound.
"When will these kids learn to chew their food," he says before walking off shaking his head.
At this time Xander was chilling under the bleachers smoking a J. He found himself dwelling on Jenny. He knows that she probably doesn't exist, but Todd’s obsession over her was so ingrained in his character that it had translated strongly into him after Halloween. He was thinking about Todd’s friends a lot recently. It was funny how alike Hanna and Willow could be but he found himself really missing Kurtis, hell he even missed Atticus.
Xander takes another pull on his joint. He's finally found the comfortable spot on the ground under the bleachers, that small patch where there are no stones or shards of glass from garbage leftover from football games. He figures he'll settle in take a little nap. But his plans are altered by a massive roar emanating from the school.
"Shit," he says taking another drag from his joint "that could be serious." Xander debates ignoring it. Buffy was in all likelihood already taking care of it, and he really didn't feel like running, where there were monsters there was always running. But his indecision is canceled out buy the sounds of students screaming, stoner or not Xander would always be too much of a white knight to ignore people in danger.
Stubbing out the last remains of his joint, Xander grabs his sword.
"Sand dragon, it looks like we have some epic ass to be kick-slaying," he says before shouldering the massive blade and heading toward the school.
The first clue of what is wrong is the massive hole on the wall of the Boys room. Xander stares at it for a moment, he could swear that you could see the outline of a massive dude.
Deciding that he's lingered on the clue long enough he heads toward the sounds of screaming.
It doesn't take long to find the center of the disturbance. He finds the lunchroom in chaos, and at the center of it, a massive dude, his muscles bulging disturbingly.
Xander pauses for a moment, taking in the sight.
"Dude, you're totally bigger than Arny! But you know, steroids will turn your grapefruits into raisins," says xander seriously. Then he sees the massive mans' chest. There is an inverted pentagram carved deeply into his skin.
"Cower before me," he replies, not seeming to understand what Xander is saying, his voice is massive, and abnormally deep, but Xander recognizes it.
"Jonathan? Did this start with a book?" Xander’s words seem only to aggravate the pumped up Jonathan. The massive nerd charges him. Xander is only saved by Buffy’s sudden intervention, she crashes into the muscle-bound behemoth stopping his charge.
"Xander, run" she says before she is sent flying by a massive fist.
"Bad move 'roider. Eat my steel," yells Xander rushing the behemoth. He swings his massive blade wildly. It is pure luck that one of his blows lands squarely severing an arm. Xander finds himself suddenly covered in blood as it pours from the massive mans' shoulder.
Blood gushes from Jonathan bringing him to his knees. He starts shrinking down to his normal size. It only takes moments for the behemoth to return to his normal stature. It seems to take him a moment to realize what has happened, then he starts screaming.
"Dude" says Xander covering his ears "take it like a man, it's just an arm."
That night Xander is sitting on the steps of Sunnydale high. He is still covered in Jonathan’s blood. He pulls a joint from his back pocket and lights it. So the Book of Pure Evil was real. Shit.