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Blue Belle: Director's Cut

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This story is No. 2 in the series "Blue Belle Universe". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: He dressed up as his state's senior senator. Now he's a blue woman. How the hell does Xander keep landing himself in these situations?

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Xander-Centered
Marvel Universe > Avengers
Marvel Universe > Spider-Man
(Moderator)JoeHundredaireFR1840204,388126934217,9564 Jun 1215 Oct 14No

Chapter 30

Blue BelleJoe's Note: Back when I wrote the original version of this story, Nomma dropped off review #400 just before this chapter. As part of one of my 'leave the right review and I'll let you suggest a new character to appear' offers, he nominated either Moira MacTaggert or Rahne Sinclair. I'm not going to give a timetable because I'd rather it be a merited use of one or both characters instead of "hey look, here's a random Irish ginger named Rahne!", but I do intend to honor that promise. That being said, it might be fun to have one or both pop up in a variation of Oz's arc rather than connecting them via the Westchester gang…



November 24, 2011
Rosenberg Household - Living Room
Sunnydale, California




     "Thanksgiving is a holiday for family, isn't it?"

     Michelle nodded dumbly, unable to look away from the woman in front of her. Family. As best she could tell, Tony and Jessica Harris hadn't even noticed their son had disappeared yet. Or, if they had noticed Xander's absence, they'd made no move to file a missing persons report. And yet Raven, who was only her mother thanks to Ethan Rayne's spell, had taken the time to track her down and come visit for the holidays. That was… wow. "Do you… uh, do you want to come in?"

     Snorting, Raven's large companion reached out and fisted his hand in Michelle's shirt, lifting her up off her feet and bringing her with him as he entered the house. "That would be nice, yeah." Making his way into the living, he tossed her carelessly onto the couch, looking around the room before chuckling. "Honey! I'm home!"

     Absolute silence reigned for almost a minute, broken finally by the sound of a chair slowly scraping against the dining room's hardwood floors. That was followed by the sound of a cabinet opening and closing, and then another. A few seconds later, Sheila finally made an appearance, stepping into the living room with a glass in one hand and a half-full bottle of schnapps in the other. After staring at the new arrivals for a moment, Sheila glanced down at the bottle in her hand and shook her head mournfully. "There is not enough liquor left in this bottle to make a visit from you tolerable, Victor."

     Eyes widening as her brain put two and two together, Michelle stared up at Victor. Victor Creed, the 'beast with a bit of man in him'. He… Willow was related to? Sheila had slept with? Huh. It kinda made her wonder what James Howlett looked like, if this was his half-brother. Her mind's wanderings were cut short by Victor's deep voice. "Well if you don't want it, I'll take it." Shrugging off his coat, he tossed it onto the couch next to Michelle before walking toward Sheila. Reaching down, he slapped her hard on the ass before taking the bottle from her hand. Laughing at the expression on her face, he stepped past her into the dining room. "Hey, Runt! Come give your Uncle Victor a hug!"

     Looking back and forth between the dining and living rooms, Sheila sighed before deciding which newcomer to concentrate her attention on for the time being. "Victor, I can understand. But really, Raven, showing up out of the blue like this? I know you can use a phone. I've seen you do it."

     The corner of Raven's mouth twitched several times and then she gave into the temptation, glancing down at herself before meeting Sheila's eyes again. "Actually, if you want to get technical, I showed up in the blue." Michelle couldn't help but snicker at that even as Sheila groaned, drawing the attention of the older shapeshifter. "Speaking of which… you can stop pretending you're one of them now. We both know better."

     "Hey, in my defense? It wasn't like you texted me and I hid this from Aunt Sheila. I didn't know you were coming either. I only put this on because I didn't want to freak out whoever was at the door." Michelle let her human skin tone fade away to reveal the blue skin and scales underneath, but opted to keep her brown eyes and original hair. There was no need to be a perfect Mini-Me of her mother, after all. "Although… you were standing out there blue. Is walking around in public that way something you do a lot?"

     "From what Emma told me, you already know what I do with most of my time, Michelle. But I suppose that's a discussion we can have after dinner… in private." Circling around the couch, Raven made her way over to Sheila and offered up a white plastic grocery bag. "I assume you're still against 'celebrating the slaughter of the country's native people', and so takeout is still the cuisine de la soirée?"

     Sheila nodded as she accepted the bag. "Well I'm certainly not going to waste hours of my valuable time cooking for a 'holiday' I don't even believe in. And it's an excellent way of supporting local establishments on what's typically their economically weakest day of the year." Peering down at Raven's dinner, she made a vaguely appreciative noise. "I haven't had decent Egyptian in ages. All Sunnydale has is a single Lebanese restaurant… and a food truck I'm in no hurry to hunt down since it's got a 45% rating on Urbanspoon."

     "Feel free to swap dinners with Victor. I doubt he'd notice the difference between Egyptian and whatever you bought, as long as there's something on his plate." Raven raised her left hand, her fingers elongating into a pair of wicked-looking claws. "You will, however, lose a hand if you touch my kushari."

     Rolling her eyes, Sheila batted the clawed hand away from her. "My daughter's are scarier." Raven shot a curious look over at Michelle, who lifted one hand and wobbled it back and forth. Personally, she didn't think Willow's claws looked particularly scary. The fact that they were long - and sharp - enough to go in one side of her and out the other? Significantly more intimidating. Before the conversation could go any further, there was a loud crash from the dining room and Sheila pinched the bridge of her nose. "For the love of… Victor!"

     Michelle jumped up off the couch and scrambled after her aunt as Sheila turned and stalked into the dining room. Skidding to a stop behind the elder redhead, Michelle's jaw worked soundlessly for a few seconds as she took in the tableau before her, trying to make sense of what she was seeing. "Willow? You, uh, having fun there?"

     "Huh?" It took Willow a moment to process the question, and then she was squeaking and yanking her claws out of Victor's chest. Leaping up off of him, she waved her hands wildly in front of her, her bloody claws on full display. "Michelle! Mom! Other blue woman! It's not what it looks like!"

     Sheila, to her credit, just shook her head before pointing at the kitchen sink. "It looks like you were stabbing your uncle. Considering where he's been… don't retract your claws until after you wash them. The last thing I need is you contracting herpes, or possibly a STD normally only found in bears."

     Taking the bag containing her dinner out of Sheila's hand, Raven carefully stepped over Victor - and the remains of the chair that he was lying on - and began laying out cartons of food on the table. "Speaking from experience there, Sheila?"

     Jaw dropping, Michelle turned to stare at her aunt in disbelief. "No…"

     Victor chuckled lowly as he climbed to his feet, brushing splinters and sawdust off his clothes. "Yup."

     "No!"

     "Yep."

     "Maybe?" Making her way back over to the rest of them, Willow shook her hands rapidly to dry her claws before retracting them back into her hands. Pausing, she looked around curiously. "Wait. What are we not sure about here?"

     Everyone in the room turned to stare at Sheila, who suddenly decided it was absolutely imperative to begin distributing plates and silverware from the pile she'd left at one end of the table, setting a place for each seat. "I may have had a single… counseling session… with Victor before referring him to a more capable coworker of mine."

     Michelle couldn't help but chuckle as she realized that real life had actually managed to one-up the crazy origin story she'd thrown together for her girl self. "All right. Just so we're all officially on the same page here… Aunt Sheila. You had sex with 'Uncle' Victor here? But you also had sex with his brother James… the guy who's Willow's real, non-Uncle Ira father?"

     "Sounds about right. Turns out I was too rough for her, though, so she referred me to her husband so she could free up more time for her 'sessions' with Jimmy. Pretty fucked up, huh?" Letting out a low, growling laugh, Victor wandered over to the head of the table and threw himself down in the chair, putting his feet up on the table. "Now that I think about it, it was kinda like a dirty version of Goldilocks. You know… 'this man is too gentle with me', 'this man is too rough', and then 'this man is just right!'?"

     Scowling, Sheila slammed a glass down so hard that a crack radiated up the side. "Victor!"

     "What? It's not like she thinks that a stork delivered her or you picked her up at a cabbage patch or something. It's not going to kill her to know that mommy dearest likes to get tossed around in the sack." Willow let out a faint whimper as her eyes rolled back into her head before collapsing to the floor in a dead faint. Leaning to the side, Victor peered around the table at her still form before shrugging and straightening back up. "Huh. I was wrong. First time that's happened in a while."

     As Sheila hung her head and mumbled about 'bad influences', 'studies', and something involving 'wish he was here as a cleaner' under her breath, Michelle just let out a groan before turning to her 'mother'. It'd be nice to ask the woman a few questions in private before dinner… and Willow wasn't exactly a pixie. "I'll get under her arms if you grab the feet."



November 24, 2011
Rosenberg Household - Michelle's Room
Sunnydale, California




     "So, just out of curiosity, have you slept with Aunt Sheila too?" Michelle bit her lip to avoid laughing at the look Raven shot her in reply, holding her hands up in surrender. "What? It's a valid question. I mean, it seems like everyone else in the world has…"

     Snorting, Raven shook her head. "While I've had many partners over the years and you might even know a few of them, Sheila isn't one of them. Considering how we all fit into the fake history you've cooked up for yourself, that's probably for the best, no?"

     Michelle raised an eyebrow at Raven's reply, having hoped to hear the first half but caught off-guard by the latter. The main reason she'd wanted to get her 'mother' alone before dinner was so they could make sure they were on the same page regarding her fictional history. The last thing she needed was Raven saying something that clashed with the memories the telepaths had implanted in Sheila's head. It sounded like she already had a pretty good grasp of things, though. Maybe… "How long have you been here in Sunnydale?"

     "Twenty-five minutes. We would have been here sooner, but Victor crushed the GPS and refused to pull over for directions. Men. Bah." Raven gave one last look at Willow's still form before gesturing for Michelle to follow her. The younger shapeshifter's suspicions were only heightened when Raven expertly navigated down the hall and into Michelle's room, glancing around curiously. "Hmm. A bit too stereotypically girly for my tastes. For future reference, Xander, you should pick an interest or two and decorate around that. This just screams 'I'm a girl, I swear!'."

     Furrowing her brow, Michelle looked around the room, trying to spot what could possibly qualify as 'stereotypically girly' in Raven's opinion. While there was a singular stuffed animal - a teddy bear in a Yankees jersey - there wasn't any pink or frills or twenty pillows on the bed or anything. Come to think of it, wouldn't Cordelia have said something if her room was that bad? Then again, Raven had been pretending to be… wait a second. Michelle's eyes narrowed. "Xander? Exactly how much do you know about me?"

     "As much as Emma could type up during a non-stop, cross-country flight." In other words, a lot. Raven made her way over to the bed, sitting on the edge and leaning back on her hands as she stared up at Michelle. "But yes, I know who you were before Halloween. And obviously who you've turned yourself into since. Tell me if I miss anything… Michelle Flaherty, born on April 1st, 1995. How very cute, picking April Fool's Day for your birthday. Your mother is Sheila's sister Emilie and your legal father is Albert Flaherty. Except you're not actually his because supposedly I had a one-night stand with Emilie during an off-again period with Irene while wearing a male form, and I got her pregnant with you. They lived in blissful ignorance for a decade and a half because unlike me, you were born with a perfectly normal human form. That all ended when you accidentally shifted into the form of some pop tart whose name escapes me, and then reverted back into a blue version of yourself. Emilie came clean and admitted that she was bisexual, that she'd slept with a blue woman who'd turned into various men and women for her over the course of a lengthy one-night stand, and that you now bore a striking resemblance to said woman. That led to fighting, Al admitting he'd cheated on her too, the two of them reconciling, counseling, and then the second honeymoon that brought you to where you are now: here in Sunnydale, living with Willow and Sheila. Did I miss anything?"

     Michelle shook her head slowly as she stared at Raven with wide eyes. "No. Uh, that's pretty much it. Just so you know, though, my public excuse for staying here in Sunnydale with the Rosenbergs is only good through the end of this school year. The summer if I'm really lucky. So I might need your help down the road. Maybe have you and Victor put in an appearance as Emilie and Al when I have a friend or two over… maybe pretend the reconciliation didn't work out and so you want Sheila to keep me here so I'm not caught in the middle of an imploding marriage?"

     Her nose scrunching up in disgust, Raven shook her head. "I'll help you if you need it, but I'd prefer to keep Victor as far away from things as possible. He's already making jokes about us being family because of our supposed connection through Sheila and Willow. The last thing I need is to add fuel to that fire by asking him to pretend to be my husband. Especially since I'd probably have to pay him for his help." Raven shuddered before adopting a more contemplative expression. "Hmm. Considering 'Al' isn't actually your father, I could get almost anyone to play him since he doesn't need to look anything like you. Maybe my subordinate Forge? It'd take a bit of makeup to make him look old enough, but he's expressed an interest in meeting Willow… hacker stuff, evidently."

     "Ah. Well, you're the sneaky infiltrator woman. You'd know better than me." The room descended into awkward silence, making Michelle shuffle from foot to foot before clearing her throat. "Is there anything you want to ask me? It sounds like Emma covered pretty much everything, but-"

     Straightening up, Raven nodded in the direction of the white case sitting on the floor beside Michelle's dresser. "Speaking of Emma, she mentioned she was sending you a few gifts. I'm pretty sure you can guess which ones I want to look at." Well yeah. Dropping to her knees, Michelle quickly dug out the three handguns nestled in grey foam at the bottom of the box, carefully handing each one to Raven. She placed the two smaller pistols on the bed on either side of her before hefting the third and examining it. "I'm assuming you have no idea what to do with these? Well, apart from 'point it at something and squeeze the trigger'? That's okay; means you don't have any bad habits I'll need to break. We'll go out into the woods after dinner and shoot Victor a few times."

     Michelle mouthed 'shoot Victor' a few times silently, but ultimately shrugged it off. While her memories showed Raven to be dedicated to her cause and willing to sacrifice one for the good of many, she wasn't a psychopath. If she was suggesting shooting Victor… maybe he could heal like Willow and her real father could? And so instead of questioning her mother's sanity, she opted to stick to useful questions. "I can get why three guns instead of four because I need two hands to fire that one, but do you know why she sent me three instead of just two?"

     "Simple. This is a fifty cal Desert Eagle. I've never seen a white one before, but I've never gone shopping with Emma Frost, either. A single magazine holds seven rounds, each of which can bring down a medium to large game animal." Reaching down with her free hand, Raven picked up one of the smaller pistols. "These are P228s. Or possibly M11s, depending on whether Emma got them through civilian means or a friend in the military. Depending on the magazine size, you can carry between twelve and twenty rounds."

     "Okay…"

     Sighing, Raven gestured with the smaller of the two guns. "Gun to use on normal targets. Maybe even dual-wield if you have decent hand-eye coordination. This, on the other hand…" She looked over at the Desert Eagle in her left hand again. "This is for when you've already emptied twenty rounds into something and it's still moving. Or if you catch Victor staring at your chest or ass, because nothing good ever comes from that." That thought elicited another shudder from Raven. "I already had to suffer through listening to what he thought of your half-sister…"

     Wait, what? Considering Emma knew a whole bunch about Raven - was still in communication with her, even - how had that little tidbit gone unmentioned? "I have a half-sister?"

     Raven nodded and handed the guns back to Michelle, taking a moment to collect her thoughts as Michelle packed the weapons away before replying. "Actually, you have a half-sister and a half-brother. Victor said he couldn't pick up her scent near the house… did either of the groups from Xavier's have a girl your age with brown hair and pale skin who was deathly afraid of being touched?" Michelle shook her head. "So you haven't met Marie. And Kurt is still an acrobat in the Munich Circus, so I'm guessing you haven't met him either."

     "Seriously?" Raven nodded and Michelle let out a snort of laughter. "I have a half-brother in the circus. Damn. There goes a perfectly good threat. I mean, why would I want to run off and join the circus if someone else in the family has already done it?"

     Chuckling softly at that, Raven nodded again. "He has a career and a happy life already; I can't really see him getting anything out of meeting the woman who abandoned him as an infant so she could save her own skin. As for Marie…" Trailing off, Raven winced. "I may or may not have been part of a scheme of Erik's that almost got her killed. So trying to talk to her might be pretty difficult too."

     Michelle stared at her mother in disbelief as she rose to her feet. "You 'may or may not have'?"

     "Okay, I was. Although in my defense, I didn't recognize her until after we'd already kidnapped her and Victor pointed out that we smelled similar." Raven let out a wistful sigh. "You know, it's a real pity that she's fallen in with Charles's group of do-gooders; I spoke with her a few times in disguise as part of the mission and she seemed like a nice girl." To quote the world's most awesome dog… ruh roh. Michelle had known about some sort of conflict between her 'mother' and the adults at Xavier's - Summers's reaction to her had made that abundantly clear - but she had hoped it was something easily solvable. Evidently not. That promised to be awkward if - or more likely, when - they visited the school in the future. "I didn't see it until after Victor said something, but she reminds me a lot of her mother. Other parts of her are pure me, though."

     "Oh?"

     Before they could continue, they were interrupted by the sudden arrival of Willow. The dark-haired girl's eyes flicked from Michelle to where Raven was still sitting on the bed and then widened. Grabbing Michelle's biceps in a surprisingly strong grip, Willow started shaking the shapeshifter as she babbled. "Oh my gosh, Michelle, I had the strangest dream but if your mom is really here then I don't think it was a dream. Did my mom really sleep with my uncle and my father, which is really Jerry Springer-like and even worse because she was married to Dad at the time?" Michelle nodded slowly and Willow's eyes did the impossible, growing even wider as she began to shake the redhead harder and babble even faster. "Ohmigosh! My mom's a skanky ho! Does that mean I got skanky ho genes from her? I already wear leather and sexy underwear that guys from the Internet buy me and Janet was complaining I get kind of Gwen-ish in my sleep and I thought Julian and Remy were yummy even if there wasn't relationship sparkage with either of them. And Ivette was kinda cute too, and so's Cordelia as long as she keeps her mouth shut because the bitchiness kinda ruins it for me. Ohmigosh! I am a skanky ho! I'm going to end up buying super short skirts and dying my hair blonde and chewing lots of bubblegum and talking like Harmony and waving pom-pons while wearing a tiny outfit and doing dirty stuff in the back of a bus on the way home from an away game and-"

     "You mean like this?" Michelle glanced back over her shoulder at that, only to find herself staring at a Willow with long, curly blonde hair. A blonde Willow in a familiar maroon, gold, and white cheerleading uniform, who was holding a pair of matching maroon and gold pom-pons for good measure. There was a squeak and Michelle brought her gaze back around just in time to see Willow collapse to the floor in a dead faint for the second time that night. As she let out a sigh of exasperation, Raven chuckled. "There's something to be said for cheap thrills. Although… would you mind if we left her in here? That girl is ridiculously heavy."



November 24, 2011
Rosenberg Household - Dining Room
Sunnydale, California




     "So, Michelle, I couldn't help but notice that the mess in your room included an overstuffed dresser, a closet that wouldn't quite shut, et cetera. Are you still actually wearing real clothes?"

     Frowning, Michelle paused with a piece of General Tso's chicken halfway to her mouth. "Real clothes as opposed to what?" Then realization dawned: while they were upstairs, Raven had transformed from a blue woman in a white sheath dress to 'skanky ho' Willow in a cheerleading uniform and back. "Your clothes. You can make them change with you. Your clothes are part of your shapeshifting?"

     Raven nodded. "No offense, dear, but… duh. How else would I be able to pretend I'm Raven Darkholme, Robert Kelly, and a handful of other people, all at the same time? Maybe carry a giant bag of clothes around with me so that I always have just the right outfit for the right form for any occasion that may arise? And what if I need to make an emergency shift into a new form, like when I infiltrated the security around the Statue of Liberty with Erik?" Shaking her head, she used her fork to gesture up and down at Michelle's body. "I'm a little surprised you can't, to be honest. I figured out how to do that when I was twelve, give or take. I actually learned it before learning to shift my features, if I recall correctly, because it meant I could have any pretty dress I saw."

     Hmm. To be honest, Michelle had never actually tried because to her, her new wardrobe was a necessary evil of femininity rather than an obsession the way it was for most girls. Maybe… she furrowed her brow in concentration, trying to create a simple pair of gloves around her bare hands. After nearly a minute, she gave up and slumped in her seat. So much for that idea. "Well, Willow has three claws like her father but they're not in the same places. Obviously I'm a shapeshifter like you, but maybe I'm not exactly like you. You can create clothes. What if I can do… something else?" The two pondered that for a moment before shrugging almost in sync and returning to their respective meals. Silence reigned for a few minutes as the foursome at the table enjoyed their unusual Thanksgiving dinner, eventually broken by Michelle clearing her throat. "So, what happened to that poor chair? Well, obviously Willow tackled Victor onto it and it broke, but that seems pretty out of character for Willow. I mean, she's not really the randomly attacking type." Except for that one time with Scott Summers, the redhead mused, but there had been extenuating circumstances behind that…

     Sheila and Raven exchanged surprised looks at that; had they actually forgotten what had happened only fifteen minutes ago? How would that even work, what with the remains of the chair leaning against the wall as they waited to be taken out to the curb for pickup? Then the pair of redheads realized who the only possible source of the answer was, turning to look at Victor. Unphased by the scrutiny, the blond proceeded to stuff several more forkfuls of Szechuan beef into his mouth before shrugging. "Hell if I know. All I did was sniff her and ask who her girlfriend was."

     One red eyebrow slowly rose as Raven stared at Victor. "And..?"

     Two more slow forkfuls later, Victor cracked. "…and then I grabbed her ass and asked if she thought her girlfriend would be up for a threesome." Raven groaned even as wine shot out of Sheila's nose, making Victor chuckle before looking over at Raven and scowling at the expression on her face. "What? She's cute."

     Sheila coughed a few times to clear her windpipe before shooting Victor a scowl of her own. "That's inappropriate on so many levels, I don't even know where to start! Willow is your niece, Victor!"

     "She's my cute niece." A small snort escaped Michelle, followed by a giggle, both of which she quickly found herself regretting as Victor's eyes jumped to her. After a second, the corner of his mouth twitched up and he looked back over at Raven. "Fine, fine. No trying to fuck Jimmy's little girl. Raven, I'm not related to you, right?"

     "Not as far as I…" Trailing off, Raven looked from Victor to Michelle and back before narrowing her eyes. "No. Don't even think about it. Just… no."

     Leaning in toward Raven, Victor's smile grew. "Aww, what's the matter, Red? Worried she might be a better lay and I'll leave you to work for her?"

     Raven took a deep breath before calmly picking up her butter knife, wiping it clean on her napkin. "Let's get something straight, Victor. I may be stuck hiring - and 'paying' - you to do certain things for me these days, but we are not friends. You may or may not be joking, but I'm going to assume you're serious. And so know that I am deadly serious when I tell you that if I ever so much as catch you even looking at my daughter inappropriately, I will castrate you." Leaning in, she held up the cleaned butter knife between her and Victor. "With this knife. Using the blunt side."

     "Save the threats for someone who can't choke you out and then throw you through a wall, Red." Planting one massive hand on Raven's face, he pushed her back before turning his attention to Michelle, looking her up and down slowly before smiling and licking his lips. "So, Lil Red… think you and your girlfriend would be up for some X-rated fun?" Before she could reply, he perked up and reached down, pulling a small pad of paper and a pen out of his pocket. "Heh. 'Use X-rated when hitting on a mutant'. Another one off the bucket list."

     Why was that even… oh. Mutants had the X-gene. X-rated. Heh. That actually was kinda funny. Then Michelle remembered who he was hoping to be 'X-rated' with, and suddenly it wasn't so funny anymore. Wait a minute. Michelle furrowed her brow. "Since when do I have a girlfriend? Isn't that the kind of thing I should know about? For that matter, when did Willow get a girlfriend? I mean, we have the same friends and live together. That doesn't seem like the kind of thing I should have missed."

     Victor speared a piece of broccoli with his fork and held it up. When Michelle just stared at him uncomprehendingly, he sighed. "Magnette. Green hair, stacked as fuck, a bit homicidal… ringing a bell?" What the hell did Cordelia have to do with- "If you two aren't dating then I'm a vegan. You're always together, you've slept in the same bed, you spend so much time with her that you still reek of her even after showering this morning…"

     "Well, I guess you're giving up beef because it's called having friends, Victor. You should try it some time." Not that Michelle hadn't entertained such thoughts both before and after her transformation. But with how close they'd grown over the last month… she hadn't officially friend zoned Cordelia, but she was close. Not that it really mattered, though, considering Cordelia had absolutely no interest in her. "Cordy's my best friend. Of course we spend a lot of time together and I smell like her. The sleeping thing… is a little weird, sure, but being touchy-feely seems to be a cheerleader thing and so it's not like it's just us."

     Rather than be offended by her comment, Victor just chuckled and went back to eating. "Friends. Uh huh. If all friends smell the way you two do when you look at each other, sign me up. I want a whole bunch of 'friends' like the two of you."

     Now what the hell was that supposed to mean? Did Cordelia actually find her… Michelle shook her head, pushing the thought out of her mind, at least for the time being. Something she could ask about tomorrow if she felt brave. It did help her solve the mystery of Willow's 'girlfriend', though. Victor probably assumed she was dating Harmony for the same reason he thought Michelle was dating Cordelia. Possibly Janet. Probably Harmony. And considering that particular pairing was about as likely as Victor turning into a vegan… the train of thought petered out, leaving Michelle staring at Victor. Who was still leering at her. Awkward. "So, I'm sure I'm going to regret asking this thirty seconds from now, but… you and my mom? And Aunt Sheila? And I'm pretty sure Emma Frost?"

     "What can I say? I'm the best at what I do." Spearing another piece of broccoli, Victor waved it back and forth slowly before stuffing it into his mouth. "Oh, and yours wouldn't be the only mother-daughter set I'd be completing if I hooked up with you and your girlfriend. Just putting that out there."

     While Michelle was tempted to argue the 'girlfriend' thing again on general principle, something far more important took precedence. "Wait wait wait. You've had sex with Miriam Chase?"

     "Well, she was still Lorna Lehnsherr back then, but yeah."

     "You had sex with my best friend's mother?"

     "Yup."

     "Oh my God, is there anyone you won't have sex with?"

     Victor actually had to think about that for more than a minute. "Dunno. Lemme get back to you on that."
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