ANYA AND TARA'S 'MYSTIC MAMAS DETECTIVE AGENCY' AND THE UNLIKELY CASE OF THE MID-LYCAN CRISISDisclaimer
: I do not own BtVS
or the movie Underworld
, and I make no money from writing bad rhymes about their beloved supporting characters. Author's Note:
In this bit of doggerel (which has been sitting on my hard-drive since January, and is finally being posted in honor of the 5th Annual International Day of Femslash) I’m once again shamelessly ripping off (with permission!) some of the characterization and plot developments in MissMurchison's Tara/Anya non-crossover stories, Resistance is Useless
and Sitting on the Dock of eBay
, at the end of which Anya is intrigued at the money to be made in criminal investigations and bounty-hunting.
In this alternate BtVS universe of MissMurchison's creation, Anya and Tara had become a romantic couple shortly after the abortive wedding in season 6, and so this poem is set sometime in what would have been their AU season 7, perhaps.Warning:
This poem contains slight spoilers for the end of the first Underworld
film, as well as numerous insults to rhyme scheme, meter, and anything remotely resembling literary taste.
Anya and Tara's 'Mystic Mamas Detective Agency' and the Unlikely Case of the Mid-Lycan Crisis:’Twas midday at the Magic Box,
and customers were few,
so Tara was contemplating turning the locks
and studying for an hour or two.
Then in the door a stranger came,
with an otherworldly air.
He wore leather well on his wiry frame
and had flowing ‘apostle’ hair.
His voice was cultured, with a hidden strength,
as he greeted Tara formally.
But his aura spoke of the tremendous length
he had gone to to act so normally.
Just then Anya came in from the back of the store,
greeting her partner with a kiss.
But when she saw their visitor, Anya roundly swore,
causing Tara to ask what was amiss?
“Amateurs!” sniffed Anya. “Something I can’t abide,
stealing work from my former profession.
For six hundred years, this scab Lucian freely plied
my old trade, even through the vengeance recession!”
“Your quarrel is moot,” said Lucian, sans rancor,
“now that I’m getting out of the vengeance ‘biz’.
Since Viktor’s death, I’ve been a ship with no anchor,
wondering what my new raison d’être is.”
“Is that what brings you to us?” Tara asked brightly,
before Anya could continue to vent.
“I sense that you did not journey here lightly
to the Hellmouth, no matter how cheap the rent!”
“I read a glowing review of your services online,"
Lucian said, "written by a woman called Noble.
It suggested that you two were the ones to divine
a new mission for an immortal hybrid who’s mobile.”
"Try being the Dread Pirate Roberts, for all that I care,"
suggested Anya, still holding a grudge.
But, "Of course, we'll help!" said Tara with a glare,
giving her partner an 'encouraging' nudge.
Three hours later, Lucian's tale had been told
(with occasional commercial breaks
for paying customers, whom Anya would scold
into buying her overstocked vampire stakes).
Having heard all the details of Lucian's past,
and studied his aura from every angle,
Tara pronounced herself ready at last
to find a path out of his vengeance-free tangle.
"You're a uniter, at heart," declared Tara, delighted,
"not a divider, in spite of your troubles.
In your future I see a great many troths plighted --
many singles converted to doubles!"
Lucian blinked in confusion, which gradually cleared,
as Anya made her contribution,
in the form of an excellent business plan, geared
for a matchmaking business solution.
"There are many lonely people, both human and non-,"
explained Anya and Tara in tandem,
"And you have a gift for helping disparate couples move on
and find love -- which is clearly not random!"
Lucian left the Magic Box with his new business plan sorted,
seeing the world from a hopeful new slant.
"And if the matchmaking fails, or he gets fed up," Anya snorted,
"he can always give D'Hoffryn a chant!"
Author's Note 2:
Reading between the lines, my personal interpretation of the 'Underworld' canon -- which consists only of the first and third movies, in my private universe (the second and fourth films are strictly AU!) -- has Lucian (having already injected himself with Michael Corvin’s blood on-screen) dosing himself with the vampire elder Amelia's blood off-screen and therefore himself belatedly becoming a hybrid and just barely surviving multiple silver-filled bullet holes.
I figure that Lucian took the opportunity to bow out, realizing that with Selene and Michael giving his own love story a happier ending, and the death of Viktor, he no longer felt any need to continue this warfare or the headaches of being in charge of the entire Lycan resistance. Though Lucian might've hesitated to seek advice from 'mere' humans, he'd definitely be in need of guidance, at some point (like Inigo Montoya, he's been in the 'revenge business' for practically his entire adult life -- in this case, more than 600 years or so -- and there's no Dread Pirate Roberts job opening waiting for him to slip into). If ever there was someone in urgent need of Anya and Tara's particular brand of vocational counseling, it would surely be Lucian!