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Volume IV: Our Sighs and Our Tears

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This story is No. 4 in the series "Scriptificus Totalus". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: The continuing series posted on livejournal written by 4 authors crossing Buffy and Harry Potter and chronicling the rebuilding of the Watcher's Council in that universe.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > GeneralscriptificusFR1872169,1211210143,64315 Jul 1223 Oct 12No

Dates and Stuff

“How about this one?” Meredith said. “Willow starring Val Kilmer. It has action, adventure and romance.”

Pevensie shook her head ‘no’ at the DVD. “And magic. Draco will be so annoyed by the way they do magic in it.”

Alice held up Labyrinth. “I like this one.”

“Puppets and David Bowie’s bulging crotch? What watcher are you training with? He’ll laugh at the puppets and make snide comments about the codpieces.”

Meredith sighed. “There has to be something that he and Luna can watch that doesn’t have things blowing up every five minutes but isn’t so sappy Draco will hate it.”

Buffy walked into the large common area to see DVD boxes spanning the floor and covering almost every surface. “Wow. Did someone put the cases out of alphabetical order again? You know that we have way too many OCD slayers for that to be funny.”

Pevensie sighed. “Don’t tell anyone because he doesn’t want everyone to know, but Draco has a date with Luna, and we’re trying to pick out a movie for them to watch. Something fanciful enough for Luna but not too sappy for Draco.”

“You should have heard him during Pretty Woman,” Alice said mournfully. “And the swears he said at the TV when they wouldn’t let her shop were horrible. I don’t think Luna would find that attractive.”

Buffy snorted. “I don’t think you’ll ever find a happy medium.” She didn’t know Luna but she knew enough from her slayers talking that their relationship would definitely be the epitome of ‘opposites attract’.

“Perhaps Lord of the Rings?” Hiran said.

“There are three of them,” Pevensie said.

“Three dates,” Hiran replied.

“What about this?” Alice said, holding up Fatal Attraction.

Pevensie snatched it away. “Luna’s patronus is a bunny. We don’t want to set them up with a movie where the crazy bitch in it boils the bunny.”

Buffy made a face and sat down between towers of cases. “Why do they have to watch a movie? Do wizards even have movie equivalents?”

All four girls looked at her. “No.”

“It’s what Luna decided they wanted to do, and Draco wants to do what Luna wants to do,” Meredith said. “It’s really very sweet, and have you seen the look on his face lately? I suspect she’s letting him hold her hand in private or something.”

Buffy snorted again. “That’s not what we did in private.” When all the girls looked at her, she gave them a panicked look. “Oh god, I said that out loud, didn’t I?”

“Yes, you did,” Hiran said.

“It’s Draco,” Pevensie said. “I’m pretty sure he’s done more than hold her hand.”

Everyone looked at her.

“He’s besties with Blaise - the boywhore of the wizarding world, formerly anyhow, but I refuse to believe Draco spent all that time around Blaise and doesn’t have any game. Not that I go around thinking that kind of stuff about my watcher. He’s got game, right, Buffy?”

There was no way she was going to answer that. “Where’s a troll when you need one?” she asked, looking up at the ceiling. “Just one troll. Please?”

“We’ll accept that as a yes,” Meredith said, grinning.

“What about this?” Alice was holding up Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

“What’s wrong with you?” Pevensie said. “Nothing with any form of blood, killer or massacre in the title.”

“Why not just put My Little Pony on, because with your criteria, that’s all they could watch.” Buffy paused. “Oh wait. It has magic in it. Scratch that.”

Again, she was getting strange looks. “What? Dawn was obsessed with it when she was younger. That damn theme song gets stuck in your head and never goes away.”

“What about this?” Meredith asked.

“Shaun of the Dead? Seriously?” Pevensie snapped.

“What about this one? I like smiling. It’s my favorite. Son of a nutcracker,” Alice said, holding Elf up in front of her face.

Buffy took Shaun of the Dead from Meredith. “Oh, I love this one. The zombies groan on a beat. I wonder if Theo can make them do that.” She paused. “I’m just going to shut up. And no to Elf. Draco will get an eye twitch twenty minutes in and complain for the rest of the movie.”

Hiran plunked down Pride and Prejudice.

Pevensie raised an eyebrow. “You’re kidding, right?”

Meredith jumped up suddenly. “I’ve got it!”

She rushed over to one of the shelves and then held up... Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.


“Think about it,” Meredith said. “It’s fanciful, so Luna will like it, and she’ll probably adore the Oompa Loompas.”

“And for Draco?” Pevensie prompted.


Buffy nodded after a moment. “I approve. Except he’ll probably want to crawl through the TV to get to that chocolate river, and that would be hilarious to watch. And now I have the golden ticket song stuck in my head.”

“Hold your breath. Make a wish. Count to three,” Meredith said, then she started singing. “Come with me, and you'll be in a world of pure imagination. Take a look, and you'll see into your imagination...

Pevensie was making a face as she slowly put her hands over her ears. “Stop it.”

Meredith sounded like a dying cat.

“And there went my eardrums,” Buffy muttered. She still had Shaun of the Dead in her hand. Perhaps she could convince Theo to watch it on their next stay-date. “Okay, so, and I can’t believe I’m asking this, are we all agreed on chocolate and oompa loompas for Draco’s date?”

“Yes,” Pevensie said. “I just have to make sure the house elves make good snacks. Buffy, why are you holding onto Shaun? You’re not going to watch that with Theo, are you?”

Alice started giggling.

“It’s a good movie! It’s not like we can watch any other zombie movie. It’ll be like Draco and magic. He’ll criticize the zombies. This is a comedy so he can make fun of them all he wants.” Buffy leaned back against the arm of a couch. “I can watch movies with my boyfriend, too.” She made a face at herself. “And I’m the head slayer. No need to explain myself.”

“So I’ll just set aside American Werewolf in London for when Rowan gets back from Ireland,” Pevensie said. “What if you hurt his feelings?”

“Theo doesn’t have feelings,” Meredith said. “No Slytherins do.”

“Not true,” Pevensie said. “Blaise had all kinds of feelings when Hannah didn’t remember him. I’ll bet Theo has all kinds of feelings when he’s alone with Buffy.”

All four of them looked at her.

Buffy was reading the back of another movie case. “Not even gonna touch that one,” she replied, not looking up at them.

But Buffy didn’t think Theo would take this as her making fun of him. Hopefully he would see this as a step in the direction of her accepting more of it. Hopefully.

“Well, if you’re not touching it,” Alice said. “That might be part of the problem.”

Pevensie was gaping. “You did not just say that.”

Buffy was starting to understand why Draco kept getting sour lemon face when the four girls hung around for a while together.

“We’re not going there. Drop it,” she replied.

“But if you-”

“Alice,” Meredith snapped. “I refuse to hear you speculate on Healer Nott’s man-business.”

Xander had picked that moment to walk in. He blinked and gave Buffy a disapproving look.

“Now I would have expected this conversation out of Anya,” he said. “Buffy, you should be deeply shamed.”

Meredith had turned bright red, Hiran was looking away awkwardly, and Alice and Pevensie were laughing hysterically.

“Oh my god, I told them to drop it!” she said, pointing at them. “Multiple times. I can’t help it if they’re perverted and won’t shut up.”

“You told them to drop Theo’s man-business?”

When Xander said that, Pevensie and Alice went into fresh peals of laughter. Buffy gave him a glare.

“What are we doing in here? Besides having inappropriate conversations about Buffy’s boyfriend’s penis?”

Buffy threw a DVD case at him, making sure it wasn’t the zombie one. “I am leaving because this is so not appropriate and those two over there won’t leave the topic alone.”

“Draco has a date and we were trying to pick out a movie for them,” Alice said.

Pevensie elbowed her.

“Ooooooo,” Xander said. “Who’s the desperate and mentally-challenged victim?”

“You know, your girlfriend Pansy doesn’t think he’s so horrible,” Pevensie snapped. “And Buffy thinks he has some game since they’ve done more than hold hands.”

“First, Pansy is not my girlfriend, and second, I do not need to know about Draco’s... game. Third, Buffy, what are you teaching here?”

“You told Oz you were going to visit her and took a big black box with a green ribbon on it,” Pevensie said. “She’s the only girl I know you’ve talked to who doesn’t live in the house. Unless you have a secret Thai hooker girlfriend we don’t know about.”

Buffy groaned and covered her face with her hands. “I am teaching nothing here. They did not get this from me. And really? You’re taking presents to strange women? Where’s the love?”

“I do not have a secret Thai hooker girlfriend,” Xander said.

Pevensie made a face. “That’s what I’d say too if I had a secret Thai hooker girlfriend.”

“You’ve been around Malfoy too long,” Xander said. Then he looked at Buffy. “Fine. I’ll take you out and buy you shoes too.”

“You bought Pansy Parkinson shoes,” Meredith said in an excited tone.

“I’m also supposed to get her a bottle of wine,” Xander replied conversationally. “She didn’t think I would, so that’s why I did it. The look on her face when she realized the shoes were real was priceless. It was Xander one, Frost Queen zero that day.”

Buffy perked up at hearing she could get new shoes. “Do you have a new project, Xander?”

“If you need help with the wine,” Meredith started.

“I will not be asking the underaged slayer,” Xander finished, then he looked at Buffy. “I don’t want to say anything in front of the younglings.”

She snorted. “It isn’t like they won’t know by tomorrow anyway.” Then she turned to Meredith. “No underaged drinking. At all. Even if an adult offers it, you do not drink. Slayers and alcohol do not mix. They are completely non-mixy things.”

Buffy stood and smoothed out her pants, snagging the zombie movie. “The Willy Wonka movie will work, but I want all of these put back in the order you got them out of. If they’re not, you will come put them back later and do extra laps. Clear?”

All four girls groaned.

“Or we could just show this mess to Luna,” Pevensie said. “She’d have it alphabetized in no time.”

“Absolutely not. You made the mess and you can clean it up. And no asking the elves to do it either.”

Buffy shook her head when they all groaned again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you say yes, Buffy quite loud enough.”

Pevensie made a face and starting putting things away. The other three provided the sought after yes. Xander chuckled. Little Pevensie had lots of attitude. It was probably good Draco was her watcher.

He snatched up the DVD in Buffy’s hands. “You’re going to watch this with your boyfriend, aren’t you? You should watch Re-Animator.”

Buffy thought about it. “We’ll see. I want to watch a funny zombie movie and not a blood, guts, and brains one. But he’s a Slyther-whatever and their humor is odd. Maybe he’d like it.”

All of the girls were sorting and shelving so Xander nodded his head to the door signally they should leave.

Before they left, Buffy glared at them all again. “Back the exact same way you found it and done tonight!” She closed the door firmly. “So. We’re buying expensive shoes for bitchy women. This sounds familiar. Have I heard this tale before?”

“She’s like Cordy, but not,” Xander said. “It’s different because she can actually make intelligent conversation. Not that Cor was dumb, but... I don’t know how many more times I could have partaken of in-depth talks about lip gloss. Ironically, part of me did actually miss that when she moved to LA and got her reality all checked, though.”

Buffy looped her arm through Xander’s as they walked down the hall. “Yeah, but she did a lot of good in LA. She helped Angel way more than any of us could.” They walked a little farther in silence. “So, you’re actually having intelligent conversations over shoes? What kind of shoes did you buy this chick anyway?”

“Gianmarco Lorenzi? I went to this fancy smancy shop in London too. They were all spike-heels with a silver snake that had a green eyes. Very Slytherin apparently.”

She immediately pulled her arm away from his and slapped him on the shoulder. “Shut up. You bought her Gianmarco Lorenzi heels? Even I don’t have a pair of those. Wow, she has you whipped already, doesn’t she?”

“No,” Xander said honestly. “I just felt like doing it. Because I can. It’s been so long since I had someone to buy gifts for that wasn’t you or Willow. Not that I mind that, but you two are my bestest buds.”

“Aw,” she said with a grin, looping her arm through his again. “You’re our bud, too. I’m glad you’re back. You’ve always been an extra voice of reason for us. You see things we don’t.”

“Very funny,” Xander said. “The one-eyed man sees all. It’s my carnival trick.”

“Hey, I mean it. I’m glad you’re here. Are you sticking around for a while?”

“Yeah, I am,” Xander said. “I mean, if Draco can get dates then I can get dates, right? It’ll be easier now since I got a shave and a haircut, though. Kinda hard to find a girl willing to go out with a guy who looks like the unibomber.”

Buffy smiled. “I think you look dashing. And it’s definitely an awkward conversation starter.”

“I decided I’d give Oz a break from being the smaller of the beard twins and keep shaving for a while. Plus, you should have seen Pansy’s face when she saw me all cleaned up and washed. A part of me understands the insane Spike logic of doing things just because now.”

“If you start watching soap operas and waxing poetic about buffalo wings, I’m kicking you out.”

“Shoot me, stuff me, mount me,” Xander said. “And it was the deep fried onion, not wings.”
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