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Volume IV: Our Sighs and Our Tears

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This story is No. 4 in the series "Scriptificus Totalus". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: The continuing series posted on livejournal written by 4 authors crossing Buffy and Harry Potter and chronicling the rebuilding of the Watcher's Council in that universe.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > GeneralscriptificusFR1872169,121129942,39415 Jul 1223 Oct 12No

The Visitors

It was just after sunset. Meredith and Pevensie were talking to Daisy as Betsy took over the reception area for the night shift. The door opened and three figures stepped in. Every slayer walking by stopped and turned. A few had charged before Pevensie to get her mouth to work properly because she was so surprised to see them again.

“WAIT!”

Almost everyone stopped when Pevensie screamed.

Daisy was staring in shock. “Get Buffy. Get Buffy right now. NOW!”

Pevensie was still staring. “Hey, Spike, Angel. Illyria... what brings you all to Wiltshire?”

“This is Spike?” Lydia choked out.

He was holding her by the throat and her feet were dangling. Angel had a slayer Pevensie didn’t recognize with her arm twisted up behind her back, and Illyria had two in a headlock -- one under each arm.

“These two were concerned about the slayer Dana being not in incarceration,” Illyria said in her formal tone. “Spike thinks to use himself as bait to lure her out. I am against this plan.”

“You should be.” Pevensie looked at Spike. “It’s a bad plan. And can you put Lydia down. No one’s going to attack you guys again. I know you guys are super old, but there’s this new invention called the phone, and you can make calls on it to let people know you’re visiting instead of just showing up in a place with a bunch of vampire slayers when you’re, you know, vampires. In continuance with the bad plan theme here.”

Spike chuckled and set the girl down. Illyria and Angel released those they were holding and everyone backed away. Illyria walked up to Pevensie and held up her hand. Pevensie was confused for a moment then she remembered.

“Oh.” She gave Illyria a high five.

That’s when Buffy came skidding around the corner, her scythe clenched tightly in her hand. The slayer who had come running, shouting about vampires attacking the Council, was right behind her.

When she saw who was actually in the lobby, however, she dropped the scythe to her side. For a moment, she was speechless. “Are you kidding me?” she asked angrily. “What the hell are you doing here?!”

Buffy was in shock. Her last words to Angel had been about him staying in L.A. in case Dana showed up. She didn’t expect to see him, Spike, and not-Fred in her lobby.

“This is his fault,” Angel said, pointing at Spike. “He took off and I caught up to him to keep him from doing something stupid.”

“Good luck with that,” Pevensie said.

“Hey,” Spike said.

Xander and Willow walked in arguing about training procedure. Willow stopped.

“Spike? Angel? Angel!”

Willow shoved her files in Xander’s arms and ran for Angel to give him a hug. At the last moment, Spike stepped in her path and hugged her instead with a very smug look on his face. Xander rolled his eyes, but then he started snickering at the very annoyed look on Angel’s face. He would never get tired of that look. It would always fill him with amusement.

Buffy’s shoulders fell. She was hoping to get them out of the Council without anyone knowing and without them staying, but now there was no hope for that. Then she remembered that she and Theo were going to have another stay-date tonight. So much for that.

She groaned. Theo and her two exes meeting was not going to be fun. “I told you guys to stay in L.A. in case Dana goes home. Last time I checked, this is not Los Angeles. So shoo.”

Angel gave her an incredulous look as he pulled Willow away from Spike and hugged her.

“Is this cos you don’t want them around your boyfriend Theo the necromancer?” Xander said.

“You have another boyfriend?” Spike said.

“And he’s a necromancer?” Angel said.

Buffy turned around and glared at Xander. “Don’t make me take away all your Twinkies, Mr. Big Mouth.”

“Can we get back to the part where you’re dating a necromancer?” Angel asked.

She turned around and glared at him as well. “No.”

“Buffy, now that someone let the raising the dead cat out of the bag, maybe they should meet him,” Willow said. “Theo’s really nice.”

“Oh yes,” Spike said sarcastically. “So was Magnus Hainsley. Great guy until he tried to give me Captain Forehead’s body when I was all noncorporeal.”

“Wait,” Pevensie said. “Necromancers can control vampires? Oh that makes sense, though, because dead things. Oh man, can I take Theo on patrol with me?”

“No,” Draco said as he entered the main hall. Then he saw Spike. “Oh bloody hell. Not you.”

Buffy snorted. At least she wouldn’t be completely miserable by herself. “Look, Junior. We have visitors.”

Anya entered in right behind Draco. “Aw, Draco. It’s your daddies. Go say hi,” she said, patting him on the back.

“What?” Angel said in a disturbed tone.

Pevensie looked at her watcher. “You’re adopted? Because you look so much like Narcissa.”

“I am not the love child of those two,” Draco shouted while pointing.

Xander started laughing so hard he had to lean on Daisy’s desk.

“Anya?” Spike said. “You’re dead. Or you were dead. I heard you were dead. Did the necromancer do this?”

“No one told you guys Anya was alive?” Pevensie said. “Well, that sucks.”

“Especially since I’ve been back almost a year,” she said, pushing a still-laughing Xander out of the way so she could put files on Daisy’s desk. “No, Theo didn’t bring me back. Some demon wanted a queen and here I am. He just didn’t count on the slayer Queen hacking him into bits after he brought me back.”

She looked between Angel, Spike, and Draco. “You are so the love child of their angsty, hate-sex relationship. I refuse to believe otherwise.”

Buffy had a hand over her mouth so she didn’t burst out laughing.

Angel and Spike were exchanging looks of horror. Xander was laughing so hard his eyes were watering.

“I do not find the idea of sex between the two vampires repellant,“ Illyria said. “But it is impossible to produce spawn from such a union. Vampires cannot create life, and neither of them has womb to incubate a child. There is the exception of the miracle spawn, but he is an anomaly, and was incubated in the vampire Darla’s undead womb until such a time as she made herself dust to release the spawn.”

“Oh... ewww,” Pevensie said. “Thanks for the nightmares, Illyria.”

“I agree,” Buffy said dryly, still chuckling. She looked down at her watch. Theo was about to get off his shift and come to her rooms. With a sigh, she looked over at Angel. “I take it you’re staying and doing exactly what I told you not to do?”

Meredith raised her hand. “I would like to talk to Spike before he leaves.”

“Can we spar with them with plastic stakes?” Pevensie asked, eyeing Angel.

“Um...” Angel didn’t know what to say.

Theo walked in then talking to Hannah.

“Oh, Draco, is this a relative?” Hannah asked, then started forward with her hand out. “I’m Hannah Abbott.”

Draco grabbed her and pulled her back. “And Blaise would kill me if I let you go shaking hands with vampires.”

“You have vampire relatives?”

Several people started laughing.

“You weren’t in your room,” Theo said and leaned in to kiss Buffy.

This instantly had Spike and Angel’s attention.

Buffy was aware that everyone was looking at them and she didn’t dare stop Theo. She shouldn’t have to. When he pulled back, she sighed. “We had some unexpected visitors that I had to deal with.”

She gestured to Angel, Spike, and Illyria. “I would have left a note, but when a slayer comes running to tell me vampires have attacked the Council, I tend to grab weapons and run to the action.”

“We were not attacking,” Angel protested. “We were the ones attacked. We just walked in.”

“This looks nothing like slaying,” Theo said. “Unless I’m doing it wrong. Also, not a lot of attacking going on. Willow, did you do a spell?”

“Hey!”

“Sadly, I can’t kill these two,” Buffy replied. “That’s Spike and Angel, the two souled vampires who are supposed to be holding down the fort in America.”

“These are the ones who are your ex boyfriends?”

“Oh so we’re admitting I was your boyfriend now,” Spike said.

“Spike was not her boyfriend,” Angel argued. “They just had sex.”

“In that case, my boyfriend has had LOTS of girlfriends before me,” Hannah said.

“Do me a favor,” Buffy said to Theo. “When I kill myself with my own weapon, don’t bring me back. I can’t listen to this and remain sane.”

Theo pulled her close and whispered in her ear. “Do not ask such a thing of me because you know I could never just let you die.”

Spike and Angel both bristled. Their vampire hearing had allowed that whisper not to be so whispery for them.

Buffy glanced over and did a double take when she saw their faces. “Stop listening in on private conversations. And don’t even deny that you were. You’re both wearing your bitchfaces.”

“Are you certain you aren’t related to them,” Pevensie asked Draco. “Because you can make a bitchface too. Really well, in fact. So much so that I thought is was your natural facial expression for the longest time.”

“I think you need laps in the training room - instead of the nice light watcher-slayer training session I had planned,” Draco snapped.

“You lot made him her watcher,” Spike said, then he started laughing.

Pevensie puffed up. “He’s a good watcher. Keep chuckling, blondie, and when we spar, I’ll fight dirty. I’ll pull your hair.”

Spike stepped into her personal space and smirked at her. “Bonus.”

Buffy was right by his side and pushed Spike back. “I don’t think so. You aren’t here to antagonize my slayers, especially the younger ones.” She could see that going oh-so-well.

“Wha’ ‘bout the older ones?” a new voice with a decidedly Scottish lilt said.

Draco threw back his head and cackled when Mac and Kasie walked in.

“We could charge money for that,” Draco said. “I’ll place mine on MacDougal.”

Spike’s head tilted slightly in appreciation. The woman moved like a fighter. She was tiny and compact, as was the blonde with her, both were dangerous, but the raven-haired one would hit first. The blonde had something unhinged about her.

“Spike,” Angel said in his warning tone.

“Don’t even think about it,” Buffy said sharply. She really did want to see them fight, but it wouldn’t be in the middle of the lobby and it wouldn’t be without Oz’s permission. “You want to spar, you ask their watcher and do it properly in the training rooms. That goes for both of you,” she said, looking at Angel.

Pevensie looked at Draco with her best begging face on.

Draco sighed. “Fine.”

She let out a whooping sound. Then she pointed at her eyes with two fingers on one hand and the pointed at Spike as if to say I’m watching you.

Spike chuckled. She was sort of adorable in this I’d like to strangle you a little kind of way.

“All right,” Spike said, eyeing the dark-haired one. “Who’s the watcher then?”

“That would be me,” Oz said.

No one had even heard him come in.

“Angel, Spike, Blue girl.”

“Oz,” Angel said.

“Dogboy,” was Spike’s greeting.

Buffy sighed and almost crossed her arms, forgetting she had her scythe. She put them back down. "If you're staying, we'll get you rooms. I'll let Giles know. But you are all to be on your best behavior."

She turned to Theo. "Raincheck on the date?"

“No,” Theo said. “We can meet up later. I know you don’t have an early bedtime. Or I could help. I won’t mind if I get to be with you.”

Draco and Spike both made yuck noises that sounded eerily alike. Angel was looking pinched.

"You'll definitely be needed on spar day." Buffy looked at both Spike and Angel. She might want to take a crack at them as well. "But stick around. You get to watch the craziness. At least Spike isn't still insane."

"Ooh!" Kasie said loudly. "I've never met an insane vampire. That could be fun!"

Spike grinned at her.

“I hate to be buzzkill guy,” Oz said. “But this is a school and a place of business. I know Mac, Kasie, and I have work to do.”

“Oz is right,” Willow said. “If you guys will be here for a while, I’d like to catch up. Xander and I were sort of arguing about the training schedule, and I’ve slacked off enough in the last few months.”

She moved over next to Xander. He nodded at Angel and Spike.

“Forehead, Peroxide,” Xander said before Willow pulled him away, her muttering things about not-so-nice nicknames.

“Anya, these are for Giles,” Daisy said, handing Anya a stack of papers and getting back to her business face. The demon nodded and went back upstairs after waving over her shoulder.

Betsy started signing on to the computer and getting settled in for the night shift.

Kasie made a pouty face at Oz. "Mac gets to let off steam by having sex with her boyfriend. I have to de-stress somehow. I haven't gotten to steal anything in ages. Are you sure I can’t fight them?"

Spike raised a hand. “I don’t know about the stealing, but I’d volunteer to help you relieve stress Mac’s way.”

Pevensie looked from Kasie to Spike then she looked at Draco. “I’ll take those laps now.”

Draco chuckled.

“Meredith, I think it best we go with Draco and Pevensie,” Hannah said.

She did not like the way her slayer was looking at Spike. Sure, he had a soul, but lots of people with souls were still quite dangerous.

Buffy pointed at Spike with her scythe. “You are not to have sex with any of my slayers. The only touching you get to do is when they kick your ass on the mats. Got it?”

Kasie pouted. “But I finally found someone I won’t break.”

Spike pouted as well. “She’s not opposed to the idea, and she’s an adult if I am not mistaken.”

“Gonna chime in and say I’m opposed to it, “ Oz said.

“It’s not like he can get her pregnant like Sveta,” Pevensie said.

Hannah glared. “Not helping.”

Kasie crossed her arms and pouted, turning to Mac. “Why do you get to have sex and I don’t? So not fair.”

Buffy turned to Theo. “Take me away. Far away. Please.”

“She can’t watch you all the time,” Spike said with a smirk.

Draco made a face. “Let’s go. Now.”

He ushered Pevensie, Hannah and Meredith away.

Oz sighed loudly and gave Mac a look that said he thought this was her fault.

“Wha? I canna help iffen m’Nev is a virile man.”

“Her words are strange to me. They are spoken in a way that differs from the others. I find them difficult to translate, and I am unamused by this,“ Illyria said.

Theo just smiled and gave Buffy a bit of a hug.

Buffy leaned into him. “If either of you make a face or crack a joke, I am slicing off important parts of you and sending them back to L.A. where they belong,” she said with a growl.

“I’m not joking,” Spike said. “I’d like a crack at the blonde.”

“I don’t think anything’s been funny so far,” Angel said, looking severe.

Buffy rubbed her forehead. “Someone go to the schedule and tell whoever has patrol tonight that they get a free night. I need to kill something.” She looked at Theo. “Want to patrol with me? I’ll even let you set them on fire and imagine it’s those two.”

“I don’t need to imagine such things, but if you want to visualize it, that would be all right.”

Now Spike and Angel were glaring.

Oz nodded at his slayers to leave. Mac and Kasie followed him out.

Kasie threw a grin over her shoulder at Spike.

Buffy groaned. She would have to keep an eye on those two. Most of the slayers had scattered now that the fun was over. She was grateful.

“Let’s get you all set up in the guest rooms. Did you even bring anything?”

Spike looked down at his clothing. Then he gave Angel a look.

“Spike,” was said in that warning tone about one moment before Spike charged the new boy.

It was just to see what he’d do. Spike wasn’t expecting to be frozen in his tracks.

Theo hadn’t drawn his wand. His instinct took over, and he raised a hand. The energy crackled over it.

“Interesting,” Spike said.

“I can’t move either,” Angel said in a tone that suggested he did not like this.

Buffy sighed loudly. “Really? Not only are you adults, but you are in a school. Start acting like it.” She glared at Angel. “You’ve already done this once. Do it again, either of you, and they will not be able to find all the pieces.”

She was slightly worried about Giles getting onto Theo, but as far as she was concerned, he didn’t need to be monitored any longer. Spike did try to attack him and it was simply self-defense.

“Why couldn’t you have thrown him out the door?” she asked him.

“I didn’t do anything,” Angel protested.

“I think I could make him walk out if you like,” Theo said.

“Release them, Necromancer,” Illyria said. “Spike will not test you again.”

Buffy sent Spike an amused glance, but nodded at Theo. “They can stay. Angel may be able to give us extra insight on Dana. Giles would be ticked if I kicked them out before we grilled them.” She kissed his cheek. “Thank you for the offer, though.”

Theo nodded and did a motion with his hand. He could visibly see both vampires go a little slack.

Angel sighed and actually stepped forward with his hand extended. “I’m Angel.”

“Theo,” he said and actually shook the man’s hand.

“Theo is the healer here so be nice,” Buffy said. She was proud and impressed that Theo was taking this all in stride. Although, after Dawn’s inquisition, she did warn him this might happen.

“I’m not the one that decided a pop quiz was in order,” Angel said, casting a glare at Spike.

“Perhaps he’s undead cookie dough,” Theo offered.

Angel gave Buffy a very incredulous look.

“What?” she said defensively.

“You told him the cookie dough metaphor?” Angel asked.

Buffy gave him a blank look before rolling her eyes. “Are you jealous? Are you seriously jealous about that?”

Spike looked between them strangely. “What’s this about dough?”

Angel then turned to Spike. “She told him the cookie dough metaphor.”

Spike made a face, still not grasping the significance.

“Are you twelve?” she asked slowly. “And here I thought you were actually being an adult for two seconds.”

“Oh no, first you tell me that we can’t be together because you’re not finished baking, but then Spike’s at the all you can eat cookie dough buffet, and now you tell Dr. Frankenstein, here, about the metaphor. That metaphor was ours.”

Spike moved up next to Theo. “I don’t get upset about weird crap. My jealousy is sensical and pretty straightforward in this fucked up sort of way.”

“I appreciate the warning,” Theo said.

“Don’t call him that!” Buffy snapped, ignoring Spike and Theo for the moment. “I can tell anyone I want to about the cookie dough. Want to know why? Because I’m the dough and I get to decide who gets to come into the bakery to eat m--” She stopped. “I can’t believe I did that again.”

Theo started snickering. “It’s my fault for mentioning the bakery.”

“You let him add to the cookie metaphor?”

Spike was starting to chuckle.

Buffy glared at him, not believing the incredulous turn in conversation. “He can do whatever he wants since he’s the one I’m dating. So yes, there were additions to the metaphor and nicknames and everything.”

“This really makes me look less ridiculous,” Spike said to Theo. “I’m so glad he decided to have a tantrum. Usually I’m the one who looks like an arsehole.”

“Shut up, Spike!” both Buffy and Angel snapped.

“If you can’t get over the fact that I’m seeing someone else who knows many different parts of me, then you can march yourself right back to L.A. He knows about the cookie dough metaphor and he knows about me. Get over it.”

“You are upsetting the slayer,” Illyria said. “You both gave me words to say you would not. You are breaking those words, and now there will be hitting.”

She started moving towards Angel.

“Easy, Blue,” Spike said, getting in her path. “Angel promises to behave. Don’t you, Whiney?”

Theo had slid his wand out of his sleeve this time. He didn’t know what the blue woman was. He just knew she could not be human.

Buffy raised her brow at Angel, who nodded, even though he looked like he would rather not.

“Good. Now, back to my question from an hour ago. Did you bring anything with you? And how many bedrooms do I need to put you up in?”

“I will not sleep,” Illyria said. “One room will suffice, slayer.”

“Two,” Angel and Spike said at the same time.

“That is unnecessary,” Illyria argued. “They need their rooms for legitimate endeavors. SInce you disobeyed the slayer, one room will hold both your undead bodies sufficiently. You do not require more space. Though he walks with a cane now, I am of the belief that Charles would have been less trouble for this excursion. Or the spawn, were he not attending to his schooling. Yes, I believe I would have liked this journey better with the disabled and the spawn.”

Theo didn’t know who “the spawn” or this disabled Charles was, but Spike looked very offended.

Buffy snorted. “One bedroom, coming up. Since I know you won’t actually stay there, just stay away from the slayers and the training rooms. And their bedrooms. In fact, why don’t you stay in the room?”

“Maybe I’ll just stay with Willow or Anya,” Spike said in a haughty tone.

Angel actually rolled his eyes. “Thank you, Buffy. We promise not to be any trouble.”

She shook her head. “I don’t believe that for a second.”
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