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You'd Be Amazed What You Can Find On The Internet

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Summary: Like the title says, people, you really will be amazed what you can buy on the Internet, as Xander and Andrew prove to the rest of the Scoobies.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > Action/AdventureGreywizardFR1812,9511194,4212 Aug 122 Aug 12Yes
Disclaimer: They all belong to Crack-Head Joss and ME. Deal with it. I have.

Time Frame: Some indefinite time post 'Chosen.'

Spoilers: None whatsoever.

Character Bashing: Again, none whatsoever.

Feedback: Of course!

Archiving: Talk to me first, please.

Author’s Note 1: Many thanks to Bill Haden and Theo (Starway_Man) for beta-ing this story.

Author’s Note 2: This story is not really as crack!-ish as you would think after reading it. I'll explain why, after you finish reading the story.

Author’s Note 3 As usual, “word” indicates speech, :: word :: indicates mental communication and { word } indicates a character's thoughts.

Author’s Note 4: This is story #2 for the 2012 August Fic-A-Day Challenge.

~~~

"Xander! C'mon over here! You've got to see this!"

Andrew Wells' insistent voice jolted Xander Harris from the semi-somnolent daze he was in as he stared out the window of the second story of the Sineya Foundation headquarters.

{ Great, I wonder what's caught his attention this time? } Xander wondered to himself as he gave a weary sigh and pushed himself out of the overstuffed chair he was currently lounging in, before moseying over to where the Council's resident head of Technology Implementation was huddled over his keyboard.

"I was talking with some of the guys in one of the chat rooms I check and he clued me in about this incredible website he'd heard about from one of his other friends and after he told me about it I had to check it out and when I did I discovered that it's got a whole lot of stuff available on it that we could probably use what with our wanting to provide all the new slayers with as much equipment as we can and while I was checking things out to see what else was available I found this and I knew you'd want to see it even if we can't really buy it because we really should be using the Council's money for stuff that's practical but I figured that you'd want to at least have a chance to check it out so that's why I called you over to see this and don't you think that this is actually something that we should at least talk to Giles about maybe thinking about getting if not now then sometime in the future right?" the clearly hyper-excited blond computer and science geek asked.

Xander sighed again as Andrew finally managed to pull his attention away from the image currently displayed on his laptop's screen to look up at the Scooby Gang co-founder with a fervor in his eyes that Xander had only previously seen matched when Andrew had been bidding online for an unopened, mint condition die-cast Millennium Falcon. { Good Godfrey Cambridge, why *me*? }

"Okay. Calm down, Andrew, and take a deep breath, okay?" was the first thing Xander said as he mentally began parsing the other man's somewhat Willow-esque reminiscent soliloquy into smaller, more intelligible fragments – a relatively easy task, given the monumental near-monosyllabic orations the aforementioned redhead had been capable of, he thought to himself facetiously. "Give me a few seconds to try to make sense out of what you just said, and then we’ll talk."

"Okay, Xander, but you have to look at this!" Andrew agreed as he followed his larger companion's suggestion and took a deep breath to calm himself, even as he pointed at the screen in front of them.

"This is an actual, honest to goddess shot of what the photographer was able to reconstruct, using parts he bought from this site!" Wells said, looking as though he were about to hyperventilate as he pointed again to the screen.

"I verified all of the documentation he put up – I, uh, kinda hacked into the site's actual inventory records, to check," the blond confessed, in a semi-embarrassed tone of voice, "and he really did buy everything from here and then he cleaned them up and refinished them wherever it was necessary before reassembling them, and that is what he ended up with!" Andrew declared in an almost reverential tone of voice.

"Holy shit! He really built *that* from the parts he bought here?" Xander asked in an equally respectful tone of voice, as soon as he saw what was on the screen.

"Yeah," Andrew nodded. "And you won't believe what he paid for everything. Look – here's what they're charging."

"Are you shitting me?!" Xander declared in a disbelieving tone as he checked the new screen Andrew had pulled up during the course of their discussion.

"Uh-uh," Andrew shook his head in denial of that possibility. "These're all the current prices."

"Goddess! I can't believe I'm actually saying this," Xander quietly announced, after staring at the price list on the screen for a handful of seconds, "but I'm actually thinking that I could possibly afford to buy at least the majority of the parts for one of these babies."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!"

Andrew's high-pitched, hyper-excited squeal felt like an ice pick had been jabbed in his ears, but Xander reluctantly acknowledged that he could very easily understand the other's enthusiastic response, given the circumstances. Not to mention, sounding like a credible audition to the Vienna Boy’s Choir soprano section.

"Just keep it down to a bloodcurdling scream, okay, Andy?" he cautioned the almost visibly quivering nerd, as he made a calming motion with his hands in Andrew's direction.

"And yeah, I'm serious, little buddy," Xander confirmed with a nod of his head.

"Remember how I mentioned, before Dawn and Willow managed to locate those Council funds in the Caymans, that Anya had left me everything she owned, in addition to those super-huge insurance policies we all took out, with everyone else named as the beneficiaries?" the one-time, so-called Zeppo said.

"Well, as it turns out, Ahn made a *lot* of really good investments…"

~/~/~

A month later


"You know, Xander, the girls are gonna throw a fit, if they ever find out what we're doing in here."

"Yeah, I know, Andrew. But, hey, no one was using this barn for anything at all, and since you put up those SEP wards, and no one's gonna accidentally wander in here and find this, I'm figuring that we really don't have anything to worry about."

"I suppose you're right. But if they ever do find out, I'm gonna go on record as saying, 'I told you so', okay?"

"Sure thing, man. Hand me that belt sander over to your right, will ya?'

"Okay, here it is. You know, I checked the original specs, and I figure that if we ever really use this thing, we could fit in at least four times the original load out, if I used the same spell Willow used on the trunks of the School's cars, so that they can carry all the girls' supplies."

"You're talking about that TARDIS spell she figured out, right?"

"Uh-huh."

"Hmm. Let me think about it for a while, okay?"

"Sure, Xander. I just figured that if we did that, then this baby could present an even more frightening image than Luke's X-Wing when it was swooping down and making his final run on the Death Star."

"You know, man, just when you've almost talked me into an idea, you have to go and say something like that."

~/~/~

"Are you absolutely and completely sure this is gonna work, Andrew?"

"I am absolutely one hundred percent sure that this will work perfectly, Commander Harris, sir. I even had the Red Witch check over my calculations, and she confirmed that this spell will allow the operator to pilot through the air any object upon which the magicks are cast, without any problem whatsoever."

"Andrew, what exactly did you tell Willow you were gonna use her spell on, 'cause I know for a fact, since she's not here screaming at me, that you didn't say anything at all to her about our baby here!"

"I told her I wanted to be able to fly around on a broom – like Harry Potter did in the movies."

Xander sighed yet again. "Of *course* you did. Why did I even ask?"

~/~/~

Several months later


"I'm pretty sure I already know your answer, Xander, but I feel like I have to ask, anyway," Andrew as he watched his fellow Scooby settle his broken leg into a comfortable position in front of him before he started buckling the pilot harness around himself. "Are you *sure* you want to do this? Because I have to remind you, we've never taken the 'Wolf, here, out for any really significant test of her capabilities."

"Andy, old buddy, I've never been more sure of anything in my life," Xander replied grimly as he began checking the instrument panel. "The girls are getting overwhelmed as it is, because our soon-to-be-extremely-dead informant lied to us about exactly how many Shin'fa'ree demons were holed up inside their lair.

"Willow's still busy dealing with that necromancer down in Costa Rica, so she's not available to help out, and even though Rona's, Vi's and Siobhan's teams are the closest ones available, by the time they get there to provide backup – Buffy's and Faith's teams are all probably gonna be extremely dead.

"If I don't at least try this, I'll never be able to look at myself in the mirror again."

"Okay then, I just wanted to make sure," Andrew nodded as he climbed in, too, and began strapping himself into the copilot's harness. "You wanna let me pilot this thing, and you handle the weapons systems?"

"Works for me, buddy. Did you ever get around to doing that TARDIS spell on the supply consoles?"

"As a matter of fact, I did. We've actually got six times what would be our normal carrying capacity, and we're topped out on everything."

"Good work, man. Now let's go kill us a shitload of demons."

~/~/~

"What the *hell* did you just say, Xander?" Buffy Summers yelled into her throat mike as she sliced the Shin'fa'ree demon in front of her in half, since she was certain she couldn't have heard him properly the first time he'd called her on the command frequency.

She could only spare a fraction of her attention to him, since there didn't seem to be any lack of demons looking to kill her and anyone else around them, and what she thought she'd heard didn't make any sense whatsoever.

"I said, can you and Faith get both your teams together in one place, and then possibly get the Shin'fa'ree to chase you outside their nest?" the Alpha Slayer heard her oldest friend repeat himself.

"If we do that, they'll overrun us and kill us all in just a couple minutes, Xand!" Buffy answered as she gutted the arachnid-like demon closest to her.

"Buff, trust me, we've got you guys covered as far as that goes," Buffy heard him reply. "Once you get outside, I'll make sure that not even a single Shin'fa'ree gets close to anyone.

"Just trust me on this, Buff, okay?"

Buffy scowled. But she knew that both Slayer teams were in *really* deep trouble, since there had to be at least eight times as many Shin'fa'rees present as they had been told to expect, so the eldest Summers woman just went with her gut and said, "Okay, Xand. We were already on our way out when you called, so we should be outside in just a couple minutes."

"Sounds good, Buffster. And once you're all outside, tell everyone to head east, away from the nest, and run their asses off as fast as they can. We want to make sure we don't risk any blue on blue casualties," Buffy heard the Council's Head of Security instruct her.

And even though she didn't understand what Xander had meant by his last comment, she contented herself with a simple, "Will do, Xand," as she began signaling for both teams to begin their retreat.

~/~/~

The Slayers had just managed to escape the extremely narrow and uneven entrance to the demons' nest, which very much resembled a gigantic termite mound, and had begun a desperate dash across the rather desolate plain surrounding the nest – when they heard a vaguely familiar droning noise begin to fill the air, and everyone began glancing up towards the sky as they ran, in an effort to avoid being taken by surprise twice in the same night.

The early pre-dawn darkness was suddenly split apart by the thundering 'Ka-Boom!' of explosions – and the entrance to the Shin'fa'ree stronghold abruptly erupted in a blinding blaze of fire and light, while the high-pitched death screams of the dozens of demons filling the passageway behind the entrance could be easily heard by the band of retreating Slayers.

Stumbling to a stunned halt at the devastation they'd just witnessed being unleashed in just a few seconds, the Chosen Ones watched with shocked incredulity as a slim-bodied, lethal-looking silhouette swooped down from out of the heavens towards the demonic tower again, the voracious, but triumphant song of a three-barreled 20 mm cannon joining the symphony created by the swarm of AGM-114 Hellfire Missiles which were now systematically eradicating the base of the malevolent citadel.

Two more high-speed, rapid-fire strikes resulted in the Shin'fa'ree's base crumbling to the ground to form a blazing pile of rubble, which was then reduced to an even finer pile of debris by a magnum launch of the remaining rocket pods.

As the eighteen surviving women warriors stared in amazement, the thin-bodied shape which had rained inescapable devastation upon their now clearly deceased opponents swung down from the skies to settle a hundred feet away, the dust from the backwash of air forcing the Slayers to squint and turn their faces away for a moment.

When the vortex generated by the rotors finally died down, everyone present stared with open-mouthed shock at the pair of widely-grinning figures seated inside.

"Good morning, ladies," Xander greeted the pride of slayers gaping at him. "So, how are you all doing this fine morning?"

"I’m good, stud. Geek," Faith greeted the pair once she finally managed to gather her composure sufficiently to speak.

"And just where the fuck did you get your hands on a fuckin' SuperCobra attack helicopter?"

~/~/~

"I'm sorry, Buffy – but at the present time, I simply cannot, in good conscience, approve funds for you to buy a twin-engine attack helicopter, no matter how much you and the other slayers might want one."

"But, Giles! Xander won't let me fly his! He said he paid for it with his own money, and it's not Council property, so he gets to say who can fly it, and he keeps bringing up me flunking Driver's Ed and crashing Mom's SUV whenever I ask him to let me fly it!"

The blonde Slayer's vociferous whining could be heard quite clearly from his hiding spot in the library, and Xander Harris made no effort whatsoever to hide his near-euphoric smile as the two bickering voices receded down the hallway

"Always remember the golden rule, Andrew," he confided to his co-conspirator, with a grin, as he settled himself more comfortably on the couch. "Whoever has the gold, makes the rules."

"I haven't heard Buffy complaining this much since Giles cancelled her platinum card after the infamous Roman shopping spree of '06," the other remaining male Scooby commented with his own smirk as he settled himself in one of the overstuffed chairs flanking the couch.

"And I'd also like to remind you that I *told* you the girls weren't going to let us hear the end of it if they ever learned you now had your own attack helicopter," Andrew cheerfully reminded his companion as they relaxed after what could definitely be described as a thoroughly enjoyable pre-dawn flight. "Now, they're all gonna want to fly it, just like Buffy."

"Yo, Boy Toy!!" Faith's voice echoed throughout the library. "Where the fuck're you?"

"And after having said that, I'm out of here," Andrew grinned gleefully as he quickly got up and abandoned his fellow aerospace ace to his upcoming fate.

"Traitor," Xander muttered as he realized he currently wasn't nearly agile enough to avoid the Bostonian Slayer's search.

"So, X," the brunette smiled seductively as she spied him on the couch. "I was wondering if maybe you're interested in making a trade?"

"What kind of trade, Faith?" Xander asked wearily.

"You know – I get to ride your helicopter, and you get to ride…"

FIN

~/~/~

Okay, I know most of you won't believe that you can buy parts for an attack helicopter on the 'net, but it's true. The Defense Logistics Agency has a program they call 'Demilitarization' which basically amounts to selling military material once it is determined that it is no longer useful or they don't want to store it any longer. Parts from military equipment are 'demilitarized' and are then sold to anyone who's interested in buying them.

Last week, on the day I wrote this story, I watched a rebroadcast of a news report from a Seattle news bureau I had seen several years back, covering a local helicopter company which had purchased demilitarized parts for several Bell Cobra helicopters and then reworked and reassembled the parts into several complete Cobra helicopters, complete with all equipment except the 20 mm canon and the various rocket launchers that they're usually fitted with.

And the best part about it is that it was all perfectly legal, then, and it mostly still is now. I don't know whether a private citizen can purchase Tomahawk, Hellfire, Hydra 70 or TOW missiles, but I'm sure it'd be quite difficult, if it is legal.

In any event, it struck me that Xander and Andrew are exactly the type of people who could, and would, conceivably do something like that, if the opportunity ever came up, so that's why this showed up.

And you can get more information on the AH-1W Super Cobra (which is the one Xander bought) here: http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/systems/aircraft/ah-1w-specs.htm

The End

You have reached the end of "You'd Be Amazed What You Can Find On The Internet". This story is complete.

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