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Most Definitely NOT A Candy-Gram!

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Summary: An outside organization proposes a possible solution to the Ori problem to the SGC.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > General > Team: SG-1 Seasons(s) 9 & 10GreywizardFR1512,3031224,7877 Aug 127 Aug 12Yes
Disclaimer: They all belong to whoever currently owns the Buffy and Stargate properties – which is most definitely not me. Deal with it. I have.

Time Frame: A couple of years post 'Chosen' for the Scoobies, and somewhere around the start of Season Nine for Stargate.

Spoilers: None intended, but if you don’t know what happened up to this point, why are you reading this story?

Character Bashing: None whatsoever. Would I lie to you? (Please don’t answer that.)

Feedback: Of course!

Archiving: Talk to me first, please.

Author’s Note 1: Many thanks to Bill Haden and Theo (Starway_Man) for beta-ing this story.

Author’s Note 2: As usual, “word” indicates speech, :: word :: indicates mental communication and { word } indicates a character's thoughts.

Author’s Note 3: This is story #7 for the 2012 August Fic-A-Day Challenge. This is also a semi-follow-up piece to my earlier Challenge submission, 'An Admittedly Different Solution.'


Stargate Command (aka 'Area 52')
Deep Space Radar Research (aka the worst cover EVER!)
Cheyenne Mountain Air Force Station

July, 2005

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Stargate Command. I'm Major General Hank Landry; your host for today," the commanding officer of the SGC introduced himself to the rather – eclectic – group of people he'd been instructed by the President to welcome to the SGC, for the purpose of developing a coordinated plan to respond to the Ori threat.

Looking over the people who'd been identified as the Board of Directors for the Sineya Foundation, Landry decide that it appeared that it would be difficult to come up with a more unlikely group of people to run what was one of the most insular and publicity-shy organizations in the world.

At the same time, the Sineya Foundation was famous for its worldwide generosity and philanthropy, and for the surprisingly large number of scholarships it issued to students who met its admittedly stringent criteria, regardless of their financial circumstances or place of birth.

And, according to the conversation he'd had with the President the previous day, the Foundation was evidently quite highly regarded for its highly original, imaginative and 'outside the box' manner of thinking when it came to producing innovative solutions to problems posed to them.

Taking a moment to evaluate the visitors, Landry allowed himself to wonder exactly who these people were and what they must have accomplished for President Hayes to have given them such an enthusiastic recommendation.

Certainly, Dr. Rupert Giles – who had unsurprisingly been identified as the Chief Executive Officer of the Center Foundation – appeared to be the embodiment of the upper-class British CEO, with his three-piece tweed suit, horn-rimmed glasses and reserved manner.

But the two women who'd been identified as the Co-Directors of the Personnel Acquisition and Deployment group, Ms. Buffy Summers and Ms. Faith Lehane, couldn't have been farther apart in demeanor and dress if they'd tried. Ms. Summers was wearing a dark blue business suit and shoes and a pale blue silk top which were, without a doubt, from one of the top fashion designers (and probably personally fitted by said designer), while Ms. Lehane was wearing black leather pants, a sea green muscle shirt over a sports bra, black combat boots and a black leather motorcycle jacket, and looked as though she'd just climbed off her Harley before walking into the meeting.

Ms. Willow Rosenberg, the Foundation's Director of Information Acquisition and Compilation Group, was dressed in a manner which some people of his generation would, back in the day, have politely termed a 'New Age' hippie, while Ms. Dawn Summers, the Director of the Linguistics Group, was attired in a manner similar to, but less haute couture, than her sister.

Mr. Andrew Wells, the Director of the Technology Assimilation and Integration Group, seemed to embody the essence of what some people termed 'the nerd,' with his slightly unfocused manner and marginal social skills. And based on what he'd heard in the course of their conversation, Landry suspected he'd probably do well to make sure that Wells didn't get involved with any of the techs from the Ancient technology labs.

Mr. Alexander Harris, Director of the combined Security, Field Equipment Procurement and Deployment Groups, looked like nothing more than the guy you hire to build your deck, with his unbuttoned dress shirt, black tee shirt with the slogan "I'd like to help, but I can't fix stupid", cargo pants, combat boots and worn leather jacket. Still, Harris obviously had to have something more going for him, if he was part of a group that the President recommended he consult about a possible solution to the Ori problem.

Redirecting his attention to the task at hand, Landry cleared his throat, a basic attention focusing device, and nodded at his audience before beginning the orientation briefing he'd had Colonel Carter prepare for him to present.

"As you know, the President has instructed me to brief you on a problem we have recently encountered in the course of the Stargate Program," Hank began, "and he has expressed a personal hope that you people might be able to come up with a potential solution other than the ones which we have developed ourselves.

"To put it in the most basic terms, the Ori are a race which we believed initially Ascended to a non-physical form of existence several million years ago," Landry stated. "Unfortunately, however, despite their physical evolution to their current state of being, they apparently did not evolve past the state of mind or belief that, because of their achievement of a higher state of being, then they must, of course, know what's best for any lower forms of life such as our own.

"Since our initial encounter with the Ori in their home galaxy, we have managed to determine that they have enslaved, both through standard proselytizing and through direct application of force, all of the human-inhabited planets in their local area of space to their religion, which is known as Origin.

"We also know that the Ori somehow gain additional power by converting the worship of human beings who have been taught that the Ori are – pardon the expression – gods, into some sort of energy source. The larger the number of people worshipping them, the greater the amount of power the Ori can access," the General informed his audience, and was pleased to see the various frowns his news had produced among his guests.

"It has also recently come to our attention that the Ori have begun sending missionaries to our galaxy, genetically altered human beings calling themselves ‘Priors’. Evidently, their intention is to convert our branch of humanity to the Origin religion, whether we wish to convert or not," Landry summarized the problem facing them all.

"So what we’re hoping to accomplish with your presence here, is to develop one or more plans which we can use as possible responses to the Ori's efforts at conquest and colonization..."


"Well, it sounds to me like what we really need is an unending supply of troops we can just use as cannon fodder, as well as the ships to transport them, like you can use in 'Command and Conquer,'" Andrew commented, several hours later as everyone paused in their various discussions with the SGC personnel Landry had brought in after the initial briefing, in order to answer the Foundation personnel's rather detailed and insightful questions.

"Yeah, that's pretty much exactly what we need, Geekazoid," Faith agreed with a snort.

"What would be even better, would be us having an endless supply of demons from some convenient hell dimension we can just send out against these Prior fuckers the Big Guy told us about," the Slayer went on. "Unfortunately, though, there doesn't seem to be all that many of those fuckers around who're willing to talk, instead of just trying to kill us the second they see us, for us to ask to help out."

"Yeah, it's a damn shame we can't just send these guys straight to hell. But it’s not like we've got your handy-dandy portal maker we can just dial up and use," Dawn snarked as she took a sip from her orange-banana-strawberry-avocado-chocolate smoothie.

The former Key grinned as she remembered how the cook down in the SGC cafeteria had merely given her a single glance before verifying the ingredients and the various proportions of each she wanted in it before turning around and whipping up the smoothie as she waited, before then frowning as Dawn considered how easy things could be if she still possessed the powers of the Key.

Unfortunately, however, given the numerous and diverse stellar configurations and metaphysical cycles involved, access to those capabilities wouldn't be available to her for a very long time.

{ Oh well, if everything worked out the way I wanted it to, then Mom would still be alive, I'd be Queen of the World, Buffy would be my maid and cleaning out all of the stuffed-up toilets in my castle, and Brad Pitt and Colin Farrell would be heading up my stable of hotties to sleep with, } Dawn reflected to herself with a smirk.

"Yeah, something like that would make things a whole lot easier if you could just decide where and when you wanted to open up a portal to hell," Willow agreed, her tone of voice making it clear she was being facetious.

"Like back in junior year, when Angelus…" the redheaded witch's voice trailed off in the middle of her musings about their high school years, and Buffy, Willow, Xander and Giles looked at each other with stunned expressions as realization abruptly dawned on them.

"Oh my God! I can't believe we completely forgot about it!"

"Good Lord! Do you think it's possible it's still there?"

"Goddess! I forgot completely about it!"

"Almighty Zeus! G-Man, tell me that Council *did* eventually come around and pick it up! Right? Right?!"

A high-pitched, piercing whistle made everyone grab at their ears, silencing the babble long enough for Dawn to declare, "All right, enough with the babble! Just what the Hellmouth are you guys jabbering about?!"

"A possible solution to the problem we've been discussing for the past two hours, Dawnie," Buffy replied as she pulled out her cell phone, before then refocusing her attention on her fellow core Scoobies and she began issuing orders.

"Giles, you call and check with whoever's in charge of the Council archives, in case it was put into cold storage somewhere.

"Will, you start checking with the tech people here to make sure that their transporters, or whatever the hell they call them here, are going to be able to handle something that big.

"Xander, you check with whoever's on phone duty at the coven, and ask them if they can scry the Sunnydale crater, so we can make sure whether or not it's there, if it's not in the Council archives!"

"I'm gonna check with Angel, 'cause we're gonna need a lot of his blood if this works out like we're wanting it to!"


Command Deck
USS Odyssey
Orbiting the planet Celestis

"Very well, then. Everything, uh, appears ready for us to proceed," Giles announced as he looked over the group responsible for the operation they were about to initiate.

"Colonel Carter, once we initiate the operation, please direct your people to send the initial cargo down to the planet's surface whenever you wish," he directed the woman who had worked so diligently with Willow and Andrew to ensure that their plans would go forward as smoothly as could be hoped for.

"Once the primary cargo has been delivered via those ‘ring’ thingies, have whichever, uh, M.A.L.P. device which will be carrying the activation pack transported down and then initiate its program," Giles went on, still somewhat unsure of the proper terminology to use when discussing SGC technology.

"We will then see to it that the portal remains open for eight hours," the head of the Foundation outlined the planned sequence of operations one final time, "after which point, you will have your technicians beam down a second M.A.L.P. device and have it use the termination pack to close the portal. The primary cargo will then be ringed back up to its container, and we will then proceed on to our next target.

"Does anyone have any questions?"

Seeing that no one had any, Giles nodded, searched himself for any qualms or misgivings and, finding none, quickly announced, "Very well then. Commence operations!"


Three shimmering rings appeared in an empty area within the capital city's largest temple and, an instant later, a massive, hulking, stone figure materialized within them before they disappeared.

The statue's grotesque-looking face was covered with white paint that highlighted its bright red nose and black-rimmed eyes, making the guard, who first observed its appearance, wonder as to their possible significance.

An instant later, the rings reappeared long enough to allow a smaller multi-wheeled gadget to trundle away, the long nozzle on its top pointed towards the statue. A moment later, a bright red fluid squirted out of the nozzle and struck the statue, splattering all across it and apparently somehow triggering a previously dormant process.

As a red glow began illuminating the statue, the stone figure’s previously closed mouth opened wider and wider, as flames also began flickering outward from the ever-growing maw, until the diameter of the now-wildly flaming orifice equaled the statue's overall height, and vague, shadowy figures could be glimpsed hovering inside the still growing portal.

As the now extremely curious guard completed calling for assistance from the Prior and began walking towards the never-before-seen phenomenon –

Acathla ROARED!!

The Doci (the equivalent of a high priest for the Ori) and all his Priors never knew what hit them, until it was far too late. The entire planet of Celestis was swallowed into a hell dimension where anything with a soul began to be horribly tortured for the rest of eternity.

Granted, the operation resulted in one hell of a lot of collateral damage, in terms of the human worshippers of the Ori who had been sent to Hell along with all the bad guys.

But then, there were always casualties during war time; and if those ascended beings were to be stripped of the extra power their worshippers supplied them with, then any and all worship of the Ori had to be eliminated throughout the universe.

By whatever means necessary.


The End

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