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Why Minister Fudge Should Never Be in Charge

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Summary: Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge thought he had a brilliant idea. Little did he know that it would be the beginning of the end.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: ComedyZaionFR1311,8584193,7299 Aug 129 Aug 12Yes
Disclaimer: No wizards were harmed in the making of this fic. One tugly (Toad-ugly) witch did burn out several retinas however.

Why Minister Fudge Should Never Be in Charge of Anything

Wizengamot Chambers, July 20th 1995

Minister Fudge sat in his seat in the Wizengamot, only half listening as a trio of his political advisors led by Lucius Malfoy took the floor to bring forth a bill to the Wizengamot. He was too busy worrying about Dumbledore’s subversive claims that Voldemort had returned and thinking of methods to discredit the Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot.

“Honorable Witches and Wizards of the Wizengamot, the Muggles are a threat to our way of life. Their culture threatens to dilute ours at every turn. You all know that I am no fan of Muggleborns, but it is not their fault. They are raised in an entirely different world, one that we should cut ourselves off from completely. This bill will take a major step towards achieving that. It will make it illegal to use or possess any item of Muggle origin. It is merely the first of many steps we must take to ensure that our world remains intact.”

Fudge heard what Lucius had been saying and began to think. That was a great idea, it would undermine Dumbledore’s platform as well as make it look like he was doing something. If the Ministry was seen enforcing this new legislation it would surely increase the public’s confidence in him. The fact that Lucius would surely increase his contributions to the “Re-Elect Fudge” campaign would be a side benefit.

As Fudge was musing he ignored the speech against the Bill. When the vote was called for he returned his attention to the chambers and cast his vote.

When the votes were tallied and the result announce five minutes later he was disappointed. The Bill had failed to pass by a margin of only three votes.

Well that’s disappointing. The fact it was so close though means lots of people approve of it. Hmm, I wonder if I can use that.

As the Wizengamot closed session and began filing out Fudge began to muse how he could use this information to his advantage.

Office of the Minister of Magic, July 21st 1995

Fudge sat behind his desk, smiling. Across from him sat his three Senior Undersecretaries, all of his senior department heads, and the head of the Ministry’s in-house warding team.

He just knew they were going to love his plan, it was absolutely brilliant. The Wizengamot may have failed to pass Lucius’ bill, but this was the Ministry. Fudge was the absolute authority here, and he could enact rules and regulations within the Ministry without Wizengamot approval. He COULD implement a version of the bill for the Ministry itself. He was certain that after the rest of the population saw how effective it was and how good it was for their world they would surely pass the bill.

Fudge spent twenty minutes explaining the new regulation, having one of his Senior Undersecrataries – the loyal one Delores Umbridge – take down the regulation and copy it to distribute to all Ministry personnel and to post at all entrances.

Fudge had decided to take it one step further than the bill did. Instead of simply banning such items, he was having the warding team construct another layer of wards, designed specifically to remove any and all Muggle items brought into the Ministry.

“Ok, Minister, so you want the wards to remove everything of Muggle origin from the Ministry. Where do you want us to send it?”

Fudge looked at his chief warder like he was stupid. Who cared where it went as long as it wasn’t in their world? Then Fudge had a great idea.

“Send it to the Muggles, send it to that Queenie fellow the Prime Minister is always talking about. The Muggles should take care of their own trash, not let it into our world.”

Several of the department heads tried to speak up but Fudge silenced them, ordering them to facilitate the establishment of the wards and the announcement of the new regulations in any way required before dismissing them. As they left the room his Senior Undersecretary had a delightful smirk on her face that creeped him out.

Fudge made a mental note to find an assignment AWAY from the Ministry that could use her loyalty effectively while keeping her from eyeing him like a piece of meat. Perhaps Hogwarts, that fool Dumbledore still didn’t have a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Yes, Fudge thought to himself. That should work perfectly.

Ministry of Magic, July 30th

Minister Fudge stood in the atrium, before the fountain of magical brethren. He had his Senior Undersecretaries and most of his department heads with him (save for Muggleborn Dirk Cresswell who had stayed home from work in protest today) as well as reporters from all the major European magical publications. He stood proudly, ready to make his speech as the new wards come online.

Most of the reporters were hanging onto his every word as he began to talk about the regulations they had just implemented. A few looked kind of nervous and Fudge suspected they were carrying Muggle artifacts. He would be magnanimous and let them leave this time with a warning. No need to antagonize the press.

As he got to the height of his speech and introduced the top-secret new wards that were about to be enacted he watched as the gathered public cheered him on. Lucius Malfoy stood nearby with a confident smile on his face. Fudge just new he’d be getting a few gifts after this. He noticed that one of the European reporters, a witch he recognized as working for the big French paper and wife of the French Foreign Minister was talking quickly into a small item. He ignored her and turned to face where his chief warder was waiting to activate the new wards.

“And now, Chief Warder Simon Dunkirk will initiate the wards and usher in a new era for our world.”

As Fudge turned back towards the front he saw the same French witch as before frown, grab her photographer and apparate away. The crack of her disapparation caused everyone to duck just as the wards washed over them in a wave of magical energy.

Fudge basked in the adoration of his public for several long moments before he became aware that what he was hearing wasn’t cheering, but screaming.

“What the hell?” “Someone help me!!!” “Where are my clothes?” “Someone stole my camera!!” “My wand is missing, has anyone seen my wand?”

As Fudge became aware of the chaos around him he blanched. As far as he could see every person in the room was standing completely butt naked. Very few had any remaining personal belongings and what they had were mostly odds and ends. Only a few witches and wizards still had their wands and he recognized all of them as being foreign. All the reporters had lost their quills and parchments.

As the cries began to include information about the Floos no longer working and the Fountain behind him had gone silent Fudge paled further.

A rumbling sound as the building shifted slightly, groaning loudly, would have made him fudge his pants robes, had he still been wearing them.

What have I done? He thought, realizing that something had gone horribly, horribly wrong.

“Hem, hem.”

Fudge turned instinctively to find out what his Senior Undersecretary wanted.

He caught sight of her sans clothing and his retinas began to burn. Before he passed out from the horror he mused that Delores Umbridge’s naked body should be added to the list of Unforgivables.

Buckingham Palace

The Prime Minister stood surrounded by a team of Royal Marines and SAS, staring at the mass of clothing, parchment, quills and even piles of what appeared to be mortar that were spilling out of Buckingham palace. He easily recognized the sticks that appeared in a pile outside the doors as wands and became certain that whatever was going on was the fault of the wizards.

He groaned and rubbed his head.

How the hell were they supposed to maintain the Statute of Secrecy when the wizards did something like this? At least the Royal family wasn’t in residence at the time.

His eyes widened when he heard groaning from the mass and ordered the soldiers aiding him forward. The panicked servants had reported everyone had made it out safely, so who was still in there.

When a pile of debris shifted and a confused looking man wearing robes sat up, covered in mortar and plaster dust, the Prime Minister couldn’t help laughing. He recognized the man, and now it finally explained all the odd coincidences that happened around him.

“Jones? Henry Jones? God man, what are you doing in the middle of this mess.”

The wizard addressed looked around and paled when he realized just where he was.

“Bugger. That damn Fudge just screwed the pooch.”

Upon hearing the name of his opposite number in the Wizarding World the Prime Minister grinned.

“Tell me Jones, just what did Fudge do this time?”

He was going to see Fudge nailed to the wall, and he knew just what to make the first step.

Little Whinging, Surrey July 31st 1995

Harry Potter sat at the breakfast table silently eating his egg on a piece of toast for breakfast. Across the table from him his Uncle Vernon was reading a newspaper. Harry idly tried to read the front page and nearly dropped his toast at what he read.

“Terrorist Attack Damages Buckingham Palace, Royal Family Not In Residence”.

Harry had to fight not to shake. Voldemort had been resurrected only two short months earlier, surely he couldn’t be striking at such high profile targets so soon?

Harry finished eating quickly and rushed through the dishes before heading up to his room. Once there he closed and locked the door. He was about to lay down and read one of his text books when there was a tapping at the window. An unfamiliar howl sat on the sill so he quickly opened the window and let it in. The owl dropped a rolled up newspaper on his bed before flying out the window again.

Harry looked at it in confusion for a moment before picking it up and unrolling it.

The headlines on the front were huge but as unaccompanied by any pictures.

“Ministry Violates Statute of Secrecy, Threatens Entire Wizarding World”
“ICW Forced to Step in to Prevent Catastrophic Collapse of Wizarding Britain”
“Minister Fudge Arrested For Collapse of Ministry”
“Voldemort Returns? Ministry Propoganda Covering Up the Truth?”

Harry sat down hard on his bed.

Just what the hell was going on in the Wizarding World?

Special thanks to sharradragon who developed this plot bunny and put it up for adoption. Without you the chaos that follows would not be possible.Note: This is the first of a series of disconnected ficlets. It is the earliest point of divergence in the timeline and all future oneshots and multi-shots will be posted under the same series as this story and will take place later in the timeline than this chapter.

The End

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