August 12, 2012 – National Chocolate Chip Day
Summary: **Part of the 2012 LiveJournal’s Twisted Shorts August Fic-A-Day** series, also known as the ‘Wacky Holiday Series’. Xander and Anya have an idea that ends up making life easier for Buffy after her resurrection. *Crossover with Family Matters*
Challenge: for the livejournal 2012 August Fic-a-Day Challenge
Warning: can’t think of any.
Timeline: starting before season 6 for BtVS; not sure for FM, but change the dates so they line up. Change the airdate for ‘The Gift’
so it happened at the beginning of May, ‘k?
A/N: Brace yourselves people, I’m writing a decent Xander. This is for you, Omegaprime!
Disclaimer: BtVS/AtS characters belong to Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy. Family Matters characters belong to William Bickley, Michael Warren and Warner Bros. Television. I claim no rights to any copyrighted material. Please do not copy or take this story without my permission.
A week after Buffy’s death (May 15th)…
It was thanks to Willow that Xander even thought about the homicidal robot, Ted. Well, a combination of Willow explaining that she was looking into bringing Buffy back from the dead if she could figure out how to do it and a newspaper blurb about May 15th being National Chocolate Chip Day.
How were those two items related, you ask?
Well, to truly understand, you’d have to venture into Xander’s mind…if you dare.
There was one more item that helped draw the connection between Buffy coming back and Ted, and that was the Buffybot. Willow mentioned something about tweaking her programming a bit. Unfortunately, Ted’s programming was beyond Willow’s ability to fix. They’d need a genius in robotics to fix that wacko.
Another blurb in the paper mentioned a bright young man in Chicago who just won some international award in robotics and artificial intelligence. With Anya’s help on the computer, Xander found the phone number for Steven Urkel in Chicago directory. After a brief conversation, he and his fiancée were on their way to the Windy City with the remains of Ted.
“Are we doing the right thing here, Ahn?” Xander asked, worried that this was one of his bad ideas instead of one of his good ones.
Ever the pragmatist, Anya replied, “Assuming Willow is successful in bring Buffy back, she and Dawn will need money to stay in Sunnydale. It doesn’t make sense for the Slayer to work a regular job since it would tire her out and she might not be rested enough to keep us and the world safe. Besides, she dropped out of college during her second year; there aren’t a lot of jobs she could get that paid enough to support two people. I doubt she would take my advice and charge people to save them…even though her vampire ex-boyfriend does. Having a steady source of income just for her and Dawn would ensure she could be a Slayer full-time.”
Reassured, Xander turned to smile at Anya. “Thanks. Have I told you lately how much I love your logic?”
Anya brightened at the praise and smiled back. “And if Willow isn’t successful, the extra money will be useful to the rest of us,” she finished her earlier comments.
Xander decided that he would forget that part and focus on Buffy coming back.
A couple days later…
“Whoa, Mama! This is fascinating work!” Steven Urkel exclaimed as he looked over the android technology. “How old did you say this was?”
Xander shrugged his shoulders. “We aren’t sure. The guy who built it died in the 50s or so, though.”
Urkel’s eyes just about bugged out of his head. “That’s incredible! The man had to be a genius!”
“Yeah, well, he was a psycho, too,” Xander replied with a grimace of disgust. “His robot double there kidnapped a bunch of women to replace his wife, then tried the same thing with my best friend’s mom…after he tried to kill Buffy.”
As he studied the wiring and programming, Urkel remarked, “Well, no wonder! These wires are connected all wrong! And this programming doesn’t have any safeties built in. Apparently he never read any of Asimov’s work or he would have put in some.”
“Asimov?” Xander asked. The name sounded familiar, but he couldn’t quite place it.
Urkel looked up and explained excitedly – the young man was more interested in what he had to say than just about anyone he knew, “Oh yes, Asimov wrote the Three Law of Robotics in ‘Runaround’ in 1942! They state that:‘1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.’”
Xander nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah! I’ve seen that in some sci-fi movies! So do you think you can fix it?”
Blowing a raspberry as an answer, Urkel said, “No problem! I could do it in my sleep. What do you want the robot to do anyway?” He listened as Xander gave him the edited plan – leaving out any mention of resurrection spells or demons or Slayers – then considered whether he should help them.
In the end, he decided that the young woman who had been traumatized by the robot before should receive some kind of compensation for what she went through. And if she were raising her teenage sister, the extra help would be invaluable.
It would take a few days for the repairs, and since they were so excited about their success, Xander and Anya eloped before they could talk themselves out of the idea. When they went back to Sunnydale, they were sporting golden bands and had a freshly-programmed and non-homicidal Ted in the back seat.
A few days after Buffy’s resurrection…
“Umm, Xander? Why are we standing outside a bakery?” Buffy asked in confusion. It was a very busy bakery…and a new one, too. She didn’t remember it before…well, before the previous spring.
Xander took a deep breath, knowing this had the possibility of blowing up in his face when she saw who was inside. He just hoped that the money would help her get past that. “It’s like this, Buff…Ahn and I thought that it would be nice if you didn’t have to worry about a job, but we knew that your mom’s insurance money wouldn’t last very long, so we came up with a plan. Now before you freak, we found somebody who is a genius when it comes to stuff like this and he fixed the problems we had before.”
Instantly wary because of how nervous he was, Buffy narrowed her eyes. “What problems?” she demanded.
“You know, trying to kill you, kidnap your mom and drugging people?” Xander rushed to say, then flinched as he prepared himself for her reaction.
As her mind put the pieces together, Buffy pinched her nose in an eerily similar manner to Giles. “Are you telling me that Ted
is in this bakery?!” She had another thought and growled, “Was it Warren
who ‘fixed’ him?” Her voice made it clear that pain was in his future if his answer was yes.
Xander immediately put up his hands and shook his head vehemently, “No, no! It’s this kid from Chicago! And Urkel put in safety features that the original Ted missed…and probably Warren did, too. New and improved Ted can’t hurt people and can’t let them be hurt.”
“Okay, but I’m still fuzzy on why you had him fixed,” Buffy said, letting the anger subside when she heard Ted was supposedly non-killing now.
“He was a fabulous cook, Buffy,” Xander reminded her. “Even without the added ingredients that the FDA wouldn’t approve of, his food is still amazing. So we thought he could run a bakery, but the profits would go to you and Dawn. Anya has already gotten back the money she put up to start the business and there’s a nice little amount in the bank waiting for you. Ted’s even started a mail order business to increase profits.”
Feeling a bit overwhelmed again, Buffy just nodded numbly. She hadn’t considered the issue of money yet. It was just another one of those things her mom took care of before she died.
Anya surprisingly took pity on the stunned Slayer and suggest, “Why don’t we go in and check it out? I’m sure Buffy could use something to eat.”
“Yeah, you’ll love his calzones!” Xander added.
While they were eating their food a few minutes later, a bell rang throughout the bakery/restaurant, and Ted came out from behind the counter. “It’s three o’clock, and you know what that means!”
The customers apparently did know, because they cheered, “Time for the Urkel!”
“What’s going on, Xander?” Buffy asked, starting to feel defensive again.
“Not sure,” Xander answered, getting nervous himself.
A fast song they had never heard before began to play and Ted sang loudly:“If you want to do the Steve Urkel dance,
All you have to do is hitch up your pants,
Bend your knees, and stick out your pelvis;
(I'm telling you, baby, it's better than Elvis!).”
To Xander and Anya’s shock, Buffy started laughing hysterically. Through her tears, she explained, “Okay, this proves to me that Ted isn’t a killer anymore. Unless he’s trying to kill us with laughter.”
Additional disclaimer: I don’t own the Laws of Robotics; as the story said, Asimov is credited with coming up with them.
A/N: Couldn’t have a story with Urkel in it and not put in something like his dance in it.